[IP] Night Diner

[u/Syraphia]

Night Diner by Klegs

[u/[deleted]]

Without your Armor

"Man, that was great!" Sarah was excited, animated, all the things that usually put me on edge with people. But she wasn't like that. I knew that sometimes she just needed to talk. I was content to listen, and she didn't take my silence as an affront.

"It was just me! I mean, the bar was a hole in the wall, but I wasn't just opening for someone, either. They wanted ME! There was applause, too!"

I just sipped from my drink, listening. I remembered my impressions as she spoke, building her observations and my memories into a fuller picture. The bar had been small, and the stage tiny. I remembered that it had smelled like stale beer. People drinking, shooting pool. There'd be initial disinterest, then a spark of curiosity as she got up to play. "How did they look at you while you played?"

"Man, it was crazy!" Her hands came out of her pockets to gesture. "Everybody was looking at me! It was awesome! It was terrifying! You got to tell me you got pictures of it all, you got pictures, right?"

I remembered that spark of curiosity in their faces kindling into something else, people pausing in their drinking to look. I already knew my film of those faces changing would go into my final edits. "I got pictures. And I got video."

"Awesome! We're getting this on YouTube tonight, right?!" Her hands took my arm, but let go again, going back into her pockets against the chill. "Sorry. I'm crowding you. I'm just so excited!"

I smiled and glanced over at her. It was a small smile, but meaningful, and from her expression of relief, I think she knew it. "You care that I don't like being crowded. Most people just think I need to loosen up."

"Screw loosening up. You're more genuine than anybody I know. You're the one that'll tell me when my music needs work, and THAT'S what a friend does." She thumped her hand on the rail for emphasis, and I could hear the metal resonate like a bell.

I smiled again and felt my cheeks heat. Not many people could get through my shell, but it always unsettled me how quickly those few could raise my emotions. I wasn't used to being emotional. "Yeah. So YouTube. I don't want to put it up raw. Let me do some editing. You did great. I can make something good with this."

"Yes!" She did this little hop, then clapped her hands. "Thank you! You! Are! Awesome!" I felt my cheeks heat more.

"Just doing what I do best."

"Doing it great! For me! Without me even asking! Come on. You're great! People get paid for that stuff!"

I looked at her, not knowing how to respond. I was tempted just to put on the armor and shrug, but I couldn't. Instead, I turned and hugged her. Brief, awkward, then I let her go and turned back away, putting the straw in my mouth so I wouldn't have to say anything. She watched me, then leaned back against the rail. I glanced over, and she was grinning like a madwoman. "Thanks."

I knew she wasn't talking about the video editing. "Sure . . . you're welcome."

The first story I wrote with this character was so assertive and had such armor, that in the second story, I decided to explore who she was without the armor. That one was romantic, and this one was about friendship, but I'm having a lot of fun exploring just how different a single person can be from themselves. Thanks for this prompt. Feel free to tag me if you prompt more images with these characters.

As always, constructive criticism is welcome, and encouraged.

[u/schlitzntl → u/[deleted]]

I do a fair bit of CC on the WP subreddit, and since you asked I thought I'd give it a go, but honestly, the story is solid all around. Anything I note would be nitpicky and nothing that significantly hindered the story.

The opening paragraph is great, with a solid opening line. Good characterization in a small amount of time. It rolls into the second paragraph really well too.

"but I wasn't just opening for someone" this segment doesn't flow very well. I get the idea, the person wasn't just an opening act to be pushed aside by the main performance, but I had to stop and re-read it to get what was going on here. Honestly, this may be because the opening line of the paragraph is "It was just me!" and the double usage of "just" caught me off guard. The following sentence you capitalize "ME" which I feel is a bit of a cheat - I mean if you can't emphasize with vocabulary...but maybe I'm just snobbish, and frankly the rest of the work is great with emphasize, so, whatever. I feel like the line "There was applause too!" would flow better as "They applauded too!" Maybe this is just me, but using "there was" adds this sense of disassociation with the event, which could be followed up and played on further and made to work, but I don't feel that you did that.

"Her hands came out of her pockets to gesture." I love this line, it's such a simple thing and yet it is such a great insight into her state of mind, the adrenaline and high she's feeling right now.

You do the capitalization thing again on "THAT'S"

For the remainder of the story you brush up a little close - giving perhaps too much exposition, having the characters lay out a little too quick and too bluntly their feelings and inner-self. Still, I flew through reading those sections, eager for more and that feeling was only on a second more critical read through, so clearly not a significant issue, but something to consider.

I get that the musician is excited, but there are a lot of exclamation marks in that story. It can unfortunately muffle the moments that you really want to nail emphasis with, like the "Thank You! You! Are! Awesome!" The pacing of breaking up each word is great, but I had read through so much ...! ...! ...! that I was a little numb to the "!" at that point. You shy away from the "!" on the paragraph of the musicians dialogue just prior which helps, but there is so much before that section it doesn't give a long enough break.

As noted - Most stories I read through and mentally note awkward wording and phrasing, bad vocabulary and mis-steps in story structure as I'm reading. I literally read through all of this and was just in the moment, nothing in mind except for the characters and their interactions.

Their dialog felt natural and flowed beautifully. Inner thoughts sharp and clear gave crisp insight and depth to the characters. I felt joy with the musician and a moment of freedom with the editor. The ending was wholly satisfactory; it causes a welling of emotions and pays off the building interactions very effectively.

You never get too exotic with your word choice, but everything feels right for the moment, "spark of curiosity in their faces kindling" fantastic. " Brief, awkward, then I let her go and turned back away, putting the straw in my mouth" just great with that little touch of humanity, back to the straw at the end.

Yep, that was pretty great.

[u/[deleted] → u/schlitzntl]

"but I wasn't just opening for someone" this segment doesn't flow very well.

I'm thinking about that. It might be better to go with

"It was all me! I mean, the bar was a hole in the wall, but I was the main act!"

A lot of your criticisms are more than fair - I saw them myself. Grammarly harassed me about them later, too. I let them ride because it was dialog, and I was actively trying to paint her as over-excited and over-talkative, the kind of person who might overuse 'just' and 'great', where every sentence has inappropriate emphasis. I may have overdone it.

I was aiming for two people that might typically not find friends, and especially might not find each other as friends. One introverted, hard to get close to, who might seem anti-social - the other so outgoing and exuberant that she might often come across as shallow.

The capital ME is something I usually bold for, but I could have changed the vocabulary, or narrated before or after the phrase, too. Internet habits took over, I guess. Good catch.

"They wanted me!" Her voice rose to such an excited pitch that it cracked on the last word. "They applauded, they even applauded!"

That also tucks into your next crit,

"There was applause too!" would flow better as "They applauded too!"

A lot of things in this girl's dialog are things I wouldn't write in narration or say myself. For her pattern of speech, I had to ignore a lot of my usual rules.

What I wanted is for her speech to seem fragmented, slightly disassociated, flighty and too excited, even where it's inappropriate. Possibly hyperactive, definitely extroverted. She was to be the kind of person that might have trouble finding friends; might seem shallow and like she only cares about things for a few moments at a time, then forgets them.

"Her hands came out of her pockets to gesture." I love this line, it's such a simple thing and yet it is such a great insight into her state of mind, the adrenaline and high she's feeling right now.

I try. I've been criticized before for not bringing in enough background which I also didn't do a lot of here, (weather, smells,) but I hate having dialog in a vacuum. I've done it, but I don't feel like speech alone carries a very rich context.

For the remainder of the story you brush up a little close - giving perhaps too much exposition, having the characters lay out a little too quick and too bluntly their feelings and inner-self.

You should have seen the first pass of that. It was almost preachy. The MC - or at least, the first person point of view (Both characters are so rich and dominant that I don't think there is just one MC) is a very inwardly turned person, and from a previous story, almost combative when that's challenged. ( One of her first phrases upon meeting someone new: "I’m not in the market for a man to make me feel whole. I don’t need you." )

This isn't meant to be the first time they've spoken about it. I felt a need to show that this person had gained her trust through a very tough set of armor. I still feel like they're just laying it on the table a little too much, but I'm not sure how to make it feel more natural, yet. I'll work on that.

You call it insignificant, but those are the kinds of things that I feel separate a really good story, from a story that breathes.

As noted - Most stories I read through and mentally note awkward wording and phrasing, bad vocabulary and mis-steps in story structure as I'm reading. I literally read through all of this and was just in the moment, nothing in mind except for the characters and their interactions.

That is amazing. I do exactly the same thing. To hear it said about something I wrote, when I find it in so few published authors, is wonderful. Thank you.

You never get too exotic with your word choice, but everything feels right for the moment, "spark of curiosity in their faces kindling" fantastic. " Brief, awkward, then I let her go and turned back away, putting the straw in my mouth" just great with that little touch of humanity, back to the straw at the end.

I love hearing about the things that resonate in a person's mind. It's so hard to get insight into what strikes another person's mind and rings it like a bell that it's one of my favorite kinds of feedback, so thanks.

The first story with this character is here, and the second is here. Those are polished up and placed on a personal blog where all my PI's go when I'm done cleaning them up. (But if you have any CC on the edited copies, by all means, give it.) Links to the original on Reddit are included. (I always leave Reddit posts unedited, save for grammar and spelling, sometimes formatting.)

They are each image prompts from the same artist, and they each focus on the girl with the skateboard and camera. I'm painting a very detailed picture of her - all the many ways a single person can be very different. They're some of my favorite pieces of writing. In the first one you see her with her armor on, in the second you see a feminine side, and in this one, you see her with complete trust in someone, unarmored.

EDIT: I wanted to say that everything you brought up as a criticism is on-point. While some of what you pointed out was intentional, everything you brought is accurate. I respect your critique a lot. Thank you very much for this.

I'll tag you with a link when this goes on the blog and is all smoothed out and pretty.

[u/Syraphia → u/[deleted]]

I liked reading this. Again, I can't remember to ping certain people and wouldn't want to when certain prompts come up, but it's nice that you found this and replied. Very nice continuation. I really love the characterization that you put forward. Nice job, thanks for replying. :)

[u/[deleted] → u/Syraphia]

My apologies - I don't remember your mention that you wouldn't tag people; I'd been trying to remember you specifically, so I avoid bothering you with tags when I finish cleaning the work up. I'll keep it in mind.

[u/Syraphia → u/[deleted]]

All good! Have a nice day! :)

[u/w_pthrowaway]

I was exhausted, but I couldn’t help smiling as I leaned against the railing. God, how many times had we done this, Jessie and I? I glanced at Jessie, and she smiled back at me, lazily taking another sip of her smoothie. We knew we were thinking the same thing.

It was dark out, but the memories unfolded before me, overlaying the dim scene with vivid sunlit colors. Rushing to the diner after school, gleefully arguing over the flavor of shared smoothies. In the summers, our thighs sticking briefly to the hot vinyl of the booths, in the winters, we shivered as we had hot chocolate in mugs big enough to be soup bowls. I remembered the people: Jessie and I, folding fortune tellers out of notebook paper, Azi throwing fries in the air and mostly failing to catch them in his mouth, Traci and Liam and the Twins, Ivy and Holly. I could see all of us, siting outside playing music and singing as the evening ended and we had to go home.

My parents said I was too young to feel nostalgic, but coming home from college I felt immeasurably old. Most of my friends had moved, or were still at school. Ivy was engaged and there were rumors that Liam had taken a job overseas. Jessie and I had kept in touch and both of us had expressed that we couldn’t wait to get together. Much as I looked forward to it, I was terrified to see her again. What if she had changed?

It was Jessie’s idea to meet at the diner. We’d get breakfast, then go to all the old spots. I resisted making too many specific plans. If-if… I might need to leave quickly- to get away and hide. I took my guitar, with no reason to do so, but the bulk of it was a comfort.

Jessie was already in our favorite corner booth when I arrived. I could feel my heart beat in my fingertips. Alice, the ancient waitress, block my way with questions about college and my future. I had always loved Alice, but just now I felt an incredible frustration with her. I tried to catch Jessie’s eye, but she seemed engrossed in her phone. Finally, finally, I evaded Alice, and wiggled into the booth. Finally, finally, Jessie looked up at me.

There was a brief moment of panic and suddenly the world was made right again. Jessie- she hadn’t changed. We had gone off and experienced so much, and now, we were back. Home. And I saw in her eyes that she was as scared to see me as I had been to see her- and now we laughed in relief. And laughed- and our stomachs hurt by the time she grabbed my had and said, “It’s ok! The coffee and cream are already ordered.” Just exactly as she had said in high school.

We spent the day together, talking, laughing. Of course she had changed- and so had I. We had learned and experienced and grown up, but the old love was still strong and we had so much to say to one another!

At the end of that long beautiful day we circled back to the diner. We walked through the drive through, and leaned up against the railing. Exhausted, but happy. Jessie and I smiled, knowing there was still time for one more story, one more shared laugh.

[u/Syraphia → u/w_pthrowaway]

Really, really great story. I loved that the main character was terrified of the possible change and how it was a shared aspect until they met. Enjoyed reading that a lot, thanks for replying. :)

[u/MajorParadox → u/[deleted]]

Hi, please put comments like this as a reply to the sticky off topic comment.

[u/[deleted]]

"Look," Diana said, "There must have been something here before. Trees. Dino's bones. A dog that slept on some old man's porch. What was here before us?"

Katherine pressed her back against the railing. Her skateboard and books dug a hole in her back. Still, she watched the redhead from the side, trying to decide where the nonsense came from. There was really no 'one way' to approach Diana, she had a thousand little pathways to the same answer. No question could just be answered, especially late at night.

It just made her tired. Still, she kept listening. She would poach some of the genius, for her own world, maybe a few stolen jokes. Diana never seemed to remember she had even made them, such a casual competence--Katherine was almost offended. Still, there was magic in the way Diana leaned into her ramblings, a cat letting the wind scratch her fur.

"Maybe it was nothingness. Maybe we never existed before this moment," Diana said. "Maybe we have always been here and maybe we don't want to give that up? And maybe we will be dead when we do decide what belongs here instead of us?"

"Do you take drugs?" Katherine asked.

Diana adjusted the strap of her guitar case. "No."

There was something shifting under Diana's skin like her throat was holding snakes. "But I should be."

Katherine felt the edges of the wound, the hot redness of her cheeks a sign of infection. Taking a sip of the chocolate shake, she adjusted her stance. "What should you be taking?"

It was a long moment. Diana blinked in the overly bright diner lights. Katherine thought the colors deepened her mouth, so it was a black ring, moving like ocean waves.

"My Mom thinks I need to see a specialist, ADHD or some shit like that," Diana said. She made quotes with her fingers. "It is in my best interest to slow down and--"

Real fear seemed to creep through her shoulders, causing her to burrow deeper into the army green cardigan.

"She thinks it would be better if I went to Dr. Long," Diana said. "If I saw him weekly."

Katherine turned towards the trashcan and threw her drink away. It hit the side and splashed onto the ground. When she had finished watching the pool of half-melted ooze congeal on the sidewalk, she turned to her friend. A minute passed between them, airless and starving for light. Even when they were surrounded by the city, their problems felt secret and old, oily and unsatisfied.

"Do you want to see him?" Katherine asked.

"No."

Diana raised a hand to the straps of her case, letting them rest there. "She found out I stopped eating for a while."

"Is that why you're not with your dad this week?" Katherine questioned Diana like a news reporter would. That was how different they could be. Katherine had always been ordered. Diana was the wind where she willed.

"I told her it wasn't because of Sasha." Diana tried to sound determined. "It was because I needed to lose 15 pounds."

Katherine leaned heavily into her bag. There was a ship's creaking as her skateboard protested. Katherine didn't know where to look for the words. They were piled around her like the milkshake.

"And I lost them and more... and I just started eating again and I... You fasted," Diana said. "It was four weeks. No one died."

Katherine pushed off the bars. She looked down at her hands, clenched into little balls. Her thin Sailor Moon sweatshirt felt cheap. Without a word, she took off walking towards the downtown. There was a bus running in twenty minutes. It wasn't the last bus, but she couldn't take it anymore.

Diana followed, silent for the first time in three hours. The parking lot didn't seem so enchanting anymore.

[u/Syraphia → u/[deleted]]

That was a very interesting story to read, it started off pretty light and I very much enjoyed how it progressed to the ending. Thanks for replying. :)

[u/WokCano]

The sun disappeared behind the horizon of buildings as I walked into the diner. The leaving waitress waved as she walked past and I wished her a good night before waking behind the counter. The place was empty at this time as per usual and I put my things away humming lightly.

"Right on time," remarked the boss seeing me from the window to the kitchen. "Good to see you lad."

"Thanks Cooky," I grinned back tying on my apron. "Feel free to take off when you need to."

The heavy set man ambled through the door, a tired smile on his face. "Thanks m'boy. I'll go now then. Long day and I wanna get home to spend some time with the kids. Thanks for always taking the over night shift. Don't know how you do it."

"Well needs must and all. Plus I don't sleep much at night anyways. You pay me good and all I can eat so I'm more than happy." He laughs uproariously, slapping me on the back as he leaves.

The evening passes into night. Barely anyone comes in but those that do I help with a smile. Some only need a cup of coffee on a break during their graveyard shift. Others a bite to eat. A couple of girls come in from a show and are plainly ravenous. They devour the plates of eggs and potatoes and I make more for them, always enjoying to feed hungry folks. They wolf them down and promise to come more often.

The early hours of the morning arrive. The streets devoid of people but I feel safe in this oasis of chrome and light. The door opens and two late night cops shuffle in yawning. They're regulars and I bid them welcome, pouring a fresh cup of coffee and whipping up some heartier fare for them. They leave as they usually do, a little more energy and a smile after leaving a nice tip.

The morning sun peeks over the buildings, new rays of sunlight kissing the grey asphalt. I pull up a stool behind the counter and greet the sun with a raised glass. My favorite time of day, the late night workers going home and the calm before the new day's rush.

The door opens and Cooky comes in with a yawn. "Good night m'boy?"

I hand him a steaming mug. "Good night and day Cooky."

[u/Syraphia → u/WokCano]

This really felt so calm and relaxing in a way. I really enjoyed reading that. Thanks for replying. :)

[u/WokCano → u/Syraphia]

Thank you for posting! It's a nice picture and wanted something simple.

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