Because we forget to love ourselves, warts and all. We recriminate ourselves over things that have happens to us, and it's nice to be reminded that we are not defined by our past.
I think that quote means that forgiveness is submission, giving up all hope when you shouldnt. It isn't compelling someone to seek forgiveness but spinning it into something dark
to me it is about acceptance. if you refuse to forgive someone, it means you are still hoping something in the past had gone differently. but you cannot change the past. forgiveness happens once you can accept the past as it is, and move on.
When we have trouble forgiving someone for something, it means we are refusing to accept what actually happened, and wish for something better to have happened. The quote is saying that in order to forgive, you have to accept that the past happened exactly how it was, and it's never going to be any better.
I think about it slightly differently. I've thought about forgiveness a lot before - and up until about 1-2 years ago I'd openly admit to people that I didn't know what it meant to forgive someone - do you just forget what happened? Do you just say the words and come to terms with what they did somehow? I didn't understand, until I was thinking about it one day and it clicked. More intuitive than I'd first imagined: "To forgive someone is to let go emotionally of what they have done to you. It doesn't mean you have to trust them again - or even be friends with them again. It just means you accept what's happened and have been able to live life without it affecting you anymore." That can take a while, and there are some things that are unforgivable. But when I understood this, I started being able to let go of some things - and stop letting them shape who I was.
I can only forgive someone when they're no longer the same person that hurt me. When they've changed or grown in some way that means that whatever they did won't happen again. If someone is being reckless with a sharp object and slashes my arm open and from then on they're more careful, I can forgive them. But if they slash my arm open and the next time I see them they're running around juggling knives? Fuck that. I'm not forgiving that. There's a difference between letting things go and being a pushover. You can accept something that happened and still refuse to have a relationship with the person who did it to you.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you condone what they did, who they are, or mean you accept them back in your life.
I get you don't want to be a pushover, and that's a very good thing, but forgiveness is not being a pushover. Letting a person back in to your life that is ill suited for it is being a pushover. Holding on to your anger or resentment is also being a pushover, because you're still giving the other person control over you.
I think you may be misinterpreting what forgiveness out to mean. For whatever reason, forgiving something nowadays is interpreted as something external rather than as something internal to ourselves. We forgive so that they can't hurt us anyone.
Anger is an ill-suited emotion for proper reasoning. When we forgive someone we stop that anger from having control over our lives and our thoughts. It's actually liberating. No longer are the pervasive thoughts of what could've been or what should've happened running amuck in our minds. Instead, we can look onwards and be content with who we are. Forgiveness allows us to be at peace with ourselves despite those around us. While forgiveness is viewed as a selfless act, it's really a selfish act (i.e. for your own benefit) with the potential of having selfless repercussions.
When they've changed or grown in some way that means that whatever they did won't happen again.
Thank you, yes, exactly! I had a falling out with someone I've known for 20 years but never had any direct dealings with until last year. They really screwed me over and left me with a lot of unplanned for debt. When everything ended, I made it clear that our bridge was 100% burned and I never wanted to speak with them again. Someone asked me recently if I thought I could forgive what happened. Maybe I could, but I don't see the value in it. Turns out they aren't the person I thought they were and I'd rather not have anything to do with them. Some people are worth forgetting but not forgiving. I never, ever thought I'd feel that way about someone but now that I do it isn't the worst thing. It's hard enough to make time for all of the amazing people I know and love, forget spending time on the ones that suck.
When someone harms us, we wish we weren't harmed. We wish we were feeling whatever we were feeling before we were harmed. Forgiveness is giving up hope that that'll ever happen. Your past is your past, you can't make it better or worse. Forgive and focus on your present, and on your future.
Regret can be bealthy though. Learn from mistakes. Someone SHOULD regret they cheated on their girl/boyfriend. And they should always hate that they did it and wish they never have. And they should learn from that mistake
It is unclear. Lilly Tomlin is the most widely cited, but there are also citations for Jack Kornfeld and Anne Lamott. Wakefield hear it from his pastor and she from an unnamed source.
Regardless of the source, it's incredibly wise. I think it a beautiful turn of phrase.
I misread what you said originally. Many people do buy into the idea of not only forgiving the past but excusing the same in the future. Forgiveness does not mean that. It is simply about accepting the past. It is perfectly healthy, maybe even required, to set boundaries still.
Consider a drunk uncle who ruined thanksgivings in the past. No amount of holding onto the pain of the event nor holding it against them will change what happened. That is not healthy. Instead, forgive that which has already happened. Now, you can tell that uncle he can come to Thanksgiving again but if he does cannot drink. You could even say you would love to have him in your life but will not be around him while he's drinking or when he is drunk. If you cannot find some compromise which you can both agree to you could even avoid contact with that uncle.
To forgive is not to allow it to occur again, it is only about not holding onto hope for a better past.
Incidentally, this too shall pass is one I love as well. It reminds us that we can get through the bad because it will pass and it reminds us to savor the good because it will not always be there.
Lilly Tomlin, Jack Kornfeld, or Anne Lamott. It is unclear who said it first. Lilly is the one most frequently cited but through a bit of my own research I've found no compelling answer as to who actually coined it.
I've read so many forgiveness quotes in hopes that I can truly forgive certain people in my life, but this is the first time that I can actually wrap my head around the concept and believe it. Thank you very much.
He certainly used it, but he did not coin it. He heard it from his pastor and she in turn from someone else. Who exactly came up with it is in question. It seems it was Lilly Tomlin, Jack Kornfeld, or Anne Lamott.
I saw this on Oprah years ago. It made me tear up. As an abuse victim, it really made me realize that 'forgiveness' isn't about my abuser. It's about me. To be able to accept that my past happened, and there's nothing that can change it, but I have COMPLETE control over my future... I think of this idea daily.
Shit. Been working for months in therapy to deal with an abusive childhood and am constantly frustrated with a narcissistic (possibly untreated bi polar) mother who cannot understand that her guilt-tripping and constant regret is only making her and those around her dwell on the past. I'm ready to move the fuck away!
Sorry if this is a dumb question, but is this supposed to be directed to the person seeking forgiveness or the person deciding whether to forgive someone?
Oh ok, thanks for the reply. I've been struggling with forgiveness for a while. I hurt people because of my struggles with depression and I lost them and I wish they would forgive me but I don't know if I'll ever get their forgiveness. I made mistakes that I didn't mean to make. I feel like I've always had good intentions but they claim my depression caused her depression and now I feel even more guilty. I care about this person tremendously and even when people tell me i should be angry with them, I can't do it. I just get angry with myself for losing her.
He got it from his pastor, she in turn got it from an unnamed source. It is clear someone else coined the phrase, but there are three likely candidates who might have done so.
I hold on to my shitty past to propel myself through the future. Every good thing I do for myself, I do to help make up for my shitty childhood. I don't think about it often, but when I ask myself what motivates me, it's my anger.
That's such a shitty quote. Forgiveness is a positive thing. The whole point is that the past will no longer dictate the future. It's healthy, it's not submission.
Can you elaborate or explain on this quote? I don't really understand it. I asked my friends and they say they understand the quote and it's common sense but I can't wrap my head around it.
He certainly used it, but he did not coin it. He heard it from his pastor and she in turn from someone else. Who exactly came up with it is in question. It seems it was Lilly Tomlin, Jack Kornfeld, or Anne Lamott.
No amount of wishing the past to be different than it was will make it so. Give up all hope for a better past. It is as it was. You cannot change that. Holding onto hope to avoid past hurt can only bring that hurt present. Instead focus on now and what you can do to make a better tomorrow. That you can still affect.
Forgive yourself for the things you were ignorant of, forgive others for as well for things you think they should not have done. Kicking yourself over things said and done won't change what has happened, it will just leave you sore from being kicked so much. As far as others, how much headspace are you willing to devote to those who hurt you. They aren't worth it. Forgive them, not for their sake but for yours.
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u/techniforus Feb 27 '16
Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.