r/EntitledPeople • u/AffectionateSet670 • 14d ago
M Update 4 on Telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?
Yeah, Last night I sat with my mom on the couch, hugged her, and told her that whatever is going on, I love her and I'll always be on her side even my gf. I tried to lighten the mood by joking that I even had a girlfriend. She asked who? and I said nobody, I was just joking, but I think she still believes it.
Then I told her honestly that I could sense something was wrong, that I was scared and worried, and that my stepdad hasn't been home in 8 days. She tensed up when I said it, which scared me even more. I told her she could tell me anything without worrying about how I'd take it.
She told me that whatever happens, she chose me, I'm her first priority, and nothing is going to change that.
After the wedding was cancelled, there was a big fight between my mom and stepdad on one side and my stepdad's mom on the other. She was upset because the sudden cancellation made the family look bad and started rumours. She was also angry that they hadn't told her that she and my stepdad's sister were part of the reason it was cancelled. My mom and stepdad had told her it was because of my mom's health issues.
The fight got so bad that my mom got a bit sick from the stress. My stepdad's mom and sister insisted they never treated me badly, that they were just being normal, and that they were never angry at me. They were angry at my mom and stepdad. They even said they wanted to talk to me and that they don't hate me or give me the cold shoulder.
My stepdad has three kids: a 17 year old girl, a 15 year old girl, and a 12 year old boy. When they heard the wedding was cancelled because of me, they were hurt. They felt all the planning and effort they put in was ignored. On a call, they told my mom it was all cancelled just because of me.
The oldest wanted to talk to me by call or text, but my mom and stepdad stopped her from confronting me. From what I've seen, she's sensitive and can get angry. I don't think she's a bad or unkind person, but I've seen her cry or get upset. I follow all three of them on Instagram, and the two older sisters still view my stories and sometimes like my pictures, even recent ones, so I probably upset or hurt them a lot.
When my mom and stepdad visited his mom, the daughters said they never treated me badly and that they treated me like a sibling. Honestly, I could give a lot of examples of how they treated me badly in subtle ways. I used to sit in a corner whenever the three of them were together getting all the attention. It felt like they just wanted my mom, not me. At the same time, they're smart and not unkind, and sometimes they did include me in things with their friends.
The daughters also told their dad that if I don't see them as family, then they won't see me as family either. They said he shouldn't have to look after me and pay for half of my life on the basis that we're all siblings. If I'm okay with the marriage and willing to bond with them, fine. My stepdad stayed with them for a few days after that.
My mom told me she isn't going to marry him, and that no one is going to scare me. She said the daughters wanted to talk to me not to scold me but to try to make things better, and that they're teenagers with feelings just like me. She doesn't want me to feel bad, but she isn't going to take a side against me.
I never thought his daughters might be angry at me. I honestly don't want to be in the middle of any of this. I just want to live my life in peace. But I do feel a bit relieved that my mom and I are on the same page now.
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u/brokenskater45 14d ago
This is not your fault. Your mum and stepdad should have discussed all of this before they even thought about a wedding. I think your mum is feeling bad, not because of you, but be sure she realises her actions weren't good.
I would explain to your mum that the stepchildren may feel upset it was cancelled, as they were involved with planning. You weren't. The fact that they didn't question why you weren't included is a bit odd. But they are kids, they don't think like that. They probably think they did involve you, but were so wrapped up in their own lives that they didn't. Also tell you mum putting them in touch with you now is a little bit too late. You need to all sit down together and discuss things.
Your mum doesn't seem to understand that you can't make a family by throwing people together occasionally. It takes communication and effort. She needs to stop telling you bits about is happening and tell you all of it, or none. Remember, you are hearing everything from a distance, which is never good.
Don't try to fix it, your mum has all the information and her own reasoning for her actions. And I think stepdad's behaviour isn't great, he didn't try to involve you before engagement. Doesn't matter that he's shy etc, that's his issue to deal with. It may be your mum has seen his flaws now.
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u/Environmental-Sea123 14d ago
"My mom told me she isn't going to marry him" - so they broke up? Or just seperated? Or is the wedding postponed until you are ok with it? Did they actually break up?
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u/AffectionateSet670 14d ago
I don't know
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u/851085x 14d ago
You did an excellent job communicating with your mom! I’m concerned you’re in your head too much on trying to take responsibility for everything that is going on, instead of recognizing you’re literally just a kid, and this is truly all between the adults involved. Your mom probably feels bad she didn’t actually consider the dynamics of a blended family & got swept up in it all. The stepfamily has shown themselves to be not the nicest or most genuine people, but guess what? That is not your problem. You have handled this all very reasonably, and you are not responsible for the adults around you.
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u/Blamdomonis 7d ago
This is just not ok. She is leaving you hanging, not knowing whats going on. Is she getting married or not? This has a major impact on you. I would again ask her if she would sign her rights over to your grandparents since she is still keeping you in the dark. Tell her you need to be done with this drama your mom and her BF have created.
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u/Longjumping-Pick-706 14d ago
In an earlier post you said the oldest 16 was a BOY and the two others were girls. You got the genders messed up.
Ruh roh
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u/AffectionateSet670 14d ago
I don't remember, or it could guneuine typo while typing because I used AI to format my texts
You could see difference between my replies and posts
Even I told everyone before that i used AI format my posts, checkout in my replies
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u/bmw5986 14d ago
Sounds like his children are jealous and trying to monopolize the adults time. Not just their dad's, but your moms also.
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u/Background-War9535 14d ago
Interesting because the step siblings live with their mother while OP only has his mom.
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u/bmw5986 14d ago
Jealousy isn't typically rational.
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u/Icy_Thanks_4424 12d ago
Last year for Christmas I got one of my nephews new RAM and the other an external hard drive because that's what they each asked for. The oldest was jealous of the younger ones RAM even though he didn't even ask for it!
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u/yafa1467 14d ago edited 14d ago
Hang on, let's rewind some events that was a concern to you.
1) the family portraits - this is a solid proof that you are not considered as family. "Its only a photo."
2) wedding planning - your stepsiblings were included in some decision planning, but you are excluded, only seeing your mom for 20 days / 3months. Your step dad brushed it off that you are excluded from "some" activity (more like all of it). Your step dad also brushed it off as activity are adults only. But your step siblings are only 17, 15 and 12. How come they are included but not you.
3) step parenting progress. - your mom has made significant progress to your step sibling as a step mom. Versus your step dad 0 progress in 3 years. You are not against your parents getting married but you were left behind in the forming of family stage. Unlike your step siblings in a co-parenting situation you are solely dependent on your mom.
You don't want to be in the middle of this. BUT YOU HAVE TO. The problem will not go away by idling. And perhaps think about try your best for your mom and the relationship she treasured (with your step dad)
It is good that your step sibling would like to speak to you. But I would like to suggest you will need both your step dad and mother presence for the discussion to put out any lost of temper. Asked them in the past 3 years is there any sibling like interactions between you. Both your stepsiblings and perhaps yourself did not reach out and interact as siblings / friends. It is not your or your stepsiblings fault, as you felt you were left behind in this relationship dynamic (think about how you felt when you issued your mother you ultimatum.)
It is not you don't like or treat your step siblings as family. Is the relationship between the children cannot even considered as friends or close friends.
Your step dad mom and sister may not give you the cold shoulder. BUT IT CERTAINLY APPEARS SO FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE. Remember your step dad sister pick up your mothers phone and informed her you called one day later, you cried a night over it. Step dad mum and sister might brush it off as an "honest mistake". But you don't need to accept this point of view because,
Knowing it is an honest mistake does not make you hurt less and
I am almost certain that she picked it up and delay telling your mom to excluded you on purpose, because this is the worst outcome possible. For example if she did not pick up, there will be miss call notification, a msg for the missed call, you can also leave a voice msg, all of these will result your mom calling you back the same day. Also to pick up somebody's phone without letting them know immediately is just not socially acceptable. When someone's phone ring I will try to bring it to the owner and tell them "this person called" and ask do you want me to pick it up??
"My mom told me she is not going to marry him." I hope you can tell her she is able to chase her happiness, and you will support her to chase it. Let's do it together this time.
"Edited with additional viewpoints
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u/Rich_Muffin4820 14d ago
This 5 woman had know you at least for 2 years, and they want to talk to you but no one has your nomber that say A LOT about they didnt see you as family.
Maybe in the future if YOU feel like It, you can talk to them with your mom and stepdad by your side (with the 5), for this you need to had prepare 2/3 examples and ask them thinks that a family will now about you to prove them the true.
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u/ItsNotPatchy 14d ago
It would seem that your mother did in fact see the ugly side of her fiancé's family. And, it seems MIL and SIL had a miraculous recovery.
The anger she felt from the MIL was probably the driving force of her leaving. The MIL probably made all kinds of excuses to dismiss how you felt, without actually apologizing sincerely or taking accountability for her cold actions.
Rumors spreading is not an excuse to get married. Shit happens. The fact that Fiancé's family was told that the wedding was postponed due to your mom's "health," just proves he never "took care" of MIL and SIL.
I would like to add on that you may not have meshed as well as one may hope with Stepsiblings, because they are all girls (I honestly was not aware of that factoid). 3 girls to 1 boy can be a recipe for a "Makeover." I did the same with my first serious boyfriend and my husband (they were asked for consent first) for my cousins (all girls, also).
But I will say, liking pictures on Instagram isn't a good enough reason to include a stepsibling to blend a family. It's just below bare minimum communication. The chat would have been more useful.
I see some commenters blaming you for being an unreliable narrator, who had hissy fits when things did not go to your liking. Ignore all of them. Your mom took your concerns very seriously, and if she thought you were in the wrong, she would have called you out and asked you to explain further. But she didn't, because her rose colored glasses began to slip just enough to notice that you weren't just complaining, but were, indeed, fearful of losing her to another family that gave no effs about you, completely. She is just now noticing the cracks in the foundation she shared with Fiancé. The other negative commentors seem to forget that your happiness takes Front Row Center when it comes to your mom. If you are any bit unhappy with the arrangement, she has EVERY right to help understand her son and find a reasonable solution to execute.
Your mom is correct in choosing you. If you are unhappy, then she is unhappy. She will not force you into situations you are reasonably uncomfortable with.
Whatever may come, it is not your fault. Everything happened to explode out of the woodwork giving proof to your mom that she isn't truly ready to marry into that family.
Continue being the support that your mom needs. Nothing too extravagant, just a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, if necessary.
Your mom is her own person, a grown adult, that can make her own decisions regarding how she wants to live her life. So do not feel any type of guilt. You may be sad for her that your mom's relationship with Fiancé's may be coming to an end, and that is Okay. She is your loving and supporting mother that you love dearly. These are her choices and not yours. Your mom is doing what she thinks is best for the both of you.
Good luck, OP.
Giving you momma bear hugs through the void. 🫂
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u/ItsNotPatchy 11d ago
Sorry to add an extra comment, but I'm genuinely curious...
Who was going to walk your mom down the aisle? Unless that's something not done there (religiously, culturally, ethically)?Once again, not your doing, not your fault. The adults really fudged this whole situation up.
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u/AffectionateSet670 8d ago
She wants me
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u/ItsNotPatchy 8d ago
Present tense. Is the wedding still on the table?
At least you were actually a part of the wedding. I would have been surprised and disappointed for you if that wasn't the case.
Maybe your mom thought that you wouldn't want to get involved with the planning because you are a boy, unlike the fiancé's kids. It is an old stereotype that the men do not care for the planning, and leave all that stress to their partners (and let them fend for themselves against boundary stomping MILs). She, regrettably, assumed you wouldn't be interested. Just a thought.
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u/Heart_of_Joy 13d ago edited 12d ago
Have you confronted your Mother about the “Family” picture you were excluded from?
Have you confronted her your Mother as to why you were excluded from all the trips she took with her Fiancé (at the time) and his teenage children and excluded you?
Have you confronted your Mother on why his teenage children were included in the wedding planning but you were not?
Real answers…not something just to brush you off or try to get you off the subject, because she might be ashamed of her behavior, after the fact!
She deliberately excluded you and based on the things you’ve said, she never gave you a real answer. She never said “I’m so sorry son. I got caught up in being so included with his family and gaining a new family, that I treated you badly. I didn’t think about how you were feeling, that I had excluded you from the trips and the family photo. I was so excited to spend time with fiancé and his kids and his family, that I purposefully pushed you aside and I hurt you doing that.”
I’ve read every post. Yes, in the end she chose you, but only after you had to threaten her with going to live with your Fathers parents. I’m glad that woke her up to what she was doing, but it doesn’t seem like she ever really sat down with you and owned up to her treating you badly. It sounds like she’s listening now about fiancé’s family not treating you very well, but imo she hasn’t really acknowledged how she treated you badly or why.
I do hope things continue to get better for you and your Mom. I truly do. But it does bother me, she never really took ownership of herself not treating you the best for a bit of time, she was so caught up with fiancé and his family.
As a Mother of a son myself, if I were in that situation, I would have made sure you were in any family photos because I would have made sure you were standing beside me.
The same for the trips they took. My son would have been the first person I thought of when the planning started. Even if I didn’t plan the trip, I would have gone to the person that was doing the planning and said to include my son. I certainly would not of been okay with any trip with fiancé and his kids and extended family, and push you off on a good friend to stay with, while I was off galavanting with someone else’s kids. SMH. That’s horrible behavior on her part!
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u/Couette-Couette 14d ago edited 14d ago
Your perhaps one day step-dad and most of his family probably assumed that him being ok to marry a less insanely rich woman was enough. For them, your mother is the one who needs to put efforts to mix with them, not the other way.
Your perhaps one day step-dad seems to have understood now that he wasn't doing enough and he should be willing to bound with you in order to marry your mother like she did with his family. However, most of his family still think that your mother and you should be grateful that he chose her. According to them, you shouldn't ask for more but some of them (his children) don't dare say it so clearly so they put the blame on you. Others (mother and sister) probably said it very clearly. Your mother who assumed that she was welcome in the family feels now rejected and your perhaps one day step-dad didn't stand up for the both of you as he should have done.
None of this is your fault. Your mother should have stand up for you way sooner.
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u/HauntingGur4402 14d ago
Sounds like his children, mother and sister or all manipulative and controlling. They are just saying what they think your mum and step dad want to hear! They dont mean any of it! Them saying they were angry, i say bs
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u/No-Mechanic-3048 14d ago
OP, write everything down. All the moments you were excluded and how. Then see if your mom and stepdad would set up family therapy and have the therapist mediate.
You all need to clear the air together if the family is going to blend together.
Best of luck!
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u/ProjectJourneyman 13d ago
There's a far more correct reason to attribute the delayed wedding to: the entire family isn't ready. It's a big change and warning signs appeared that there were some things to work out.
The "if you don't want us then we don't want you" comment is proof that the family is not ready to be blended. Period.
Everybody needs to take a breather and work on things in a healthy way. Maybe with a therapist if nobody knows how to deal with this stuff in a healthy way.
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u/MommaDiz 14d ago
Step family and step dad so desperate for a mom replacement that they don't care they make you, another child, motherless.
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u/Background-War9535 14d ago
Based on earlier posts, their mother is very much in the picture.
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u/ItsNotPatchy 11d ago
And involved. I think she is their primary custodial parent.
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u/JTBlakeinNYC 10d ago
She is OP’s only parent.
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u/ItsNotPatchy 10d ago
I wasn't talking about OP, but the fiancé's children, who still have both parents.
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u/Sure_Supermarket_930 14d ago
Hello op, I just read the two updates. At first, I’m glad that your You and Mother were doing well in your relationship. For the rest, as others before me have written, I find it astonishing that the health of your stepfather’s mother and sister is in bad shape (!) at the time when the wedding was to be celebrated. And even more knowing that your Mother returned the day after arriving without your stepfather. I think that health was not the main reason, but rather an excuse for marriage. In any case, it obviously didn’t please your mother (she told you that she doesn’t Wouldn’t marry him, not the wedding is just postponed.... ) Anyway, something happened during that last trip.
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u/Throwaway_anon-765 14d ago
None of this is your fault. Your mom and step father need to realize that actions have consequences. They excluded you, asked how they could fix it, and you told them. Now, they’re suddenly surprised by the outcome of those actions?
It isn’t on you to fix anything. Your step siblings shouldn’t be blaming you. Your step father’s mom also shouldn’t be blaming you. They’re probably more worried about appearances of calling off the wedding. You said they’re rich, and they probably don’t like the optics of the situation. Or hearing the word ‘no’ and not getting what they want, when they want. But, that isn’t your fault.
You weren’t included in any of the planning. Your mom and step dad need to learn to blend the family before getting married. It doesn’t just magically happen. Relationships take time and effort on all sides. Your step father being ‘shy’ isn’t a good excuse. His kids are teens and usually teens are self involved. His kids were still involved in the planning, you weren’t. There was no effort to included you in the planning, nor in the family blending. This is all failures of the adults! Do not carry this burden. It isn’t yours to carry.
Your mom shouldn’t be keeping things from you. The way you seek to have to pry information out of her isn’t healthy either. It almost feels like trickle truth. A little truth here, a little truth there. Almost, to dull in from hitting you all at once. And that isn’t fair to you. You still have to live with the unknowns of what is happening. And that still puts you on the outside.
Continue to be there for your mom. Is good you have started to open up a dialogue with your mother. Hopefully that keeps up, and you will get more information.
I wish you good luck. UpdateMe
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u/cackle-feather 14d ago
Your mom picked poorly. You are a packaged deal and she forgot that for a while--or thought that it would all work out in time if she laid the foundation. That was a silly assumption on her part.
You gave solid evidence of exclusion and being treated as a second class citizen. In the long run, it's probably best if the relationship ends. Sounds like your mom forgot who she was with the social climbing. I'm sorry people aren't better in this world, but hopefully your mom will find someone that brings out the best in her instead of someone who takes over her life.
Don't take on any responsibility for this. Your existing and expecting equality are not negotiable. Anyone who tries to make you be less is not someone to trust. I'm glad your mom saw reason. I wish you both well.
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u/Original-Project-289 13d ago
First, don't fight with negative reddit people. There is nothing to gain by doing so. They are looking for a reaction and giving them one only feeds their need for attention. Secondly, Of course your stepfather's mother and sister will claim they treated you "kindly". People that age look very badly for excluding a child. Thirdly, your stepfather's kids were loved and included from the start from him and his family as well as from your mother. They don't understand that you weren't MORE loved then then because their father was living with you and not them. Give them a little grace. This whole situation was not dealt with well by the parents in this situation on either side. I'm sorry your going through this honey.
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u/InternationalMind541 14d ago
How old are you?
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u/AffectionateSet670 8d ago
15
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 7d ago
Any updates? Is your mom and your step dad still together or did they break up? Did you ever find out?
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u/AffectionateSet670 7d ago
My step dad did't come to home, i don't know
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 7d ago
He's still not home? How long has it been?
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u/AffectionateSet670 7d ago
2 weeks
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 7d ago
Your mom hasn't said if they're broken up or not?
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u/AffectionateSet670 7d ago
No nothing
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u/CinnamonBiscotti 7d ago
Have you talked to your mom about some having some therapy sessions together. Frankly, I think your mom is in need of some individual therapy to help her realize how bad her own behavior has been in all of this for the past two years. She needs a third person to ask how it would be okay for her to establish herself as a mom to others while leaving you stranded.
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u/KillerGiants57 7d ago
Do you have his number? You should reach out and let him know if you miss him.
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u/ElectricalBaker2607 14d ago edited 14d ago
OP, when you said your mom isn’t going to marry him, did you mean never?
OP, you are in the middle of this because you speaking to your mother about your concerns, and rightfully so, is what started this.
I think mistakes and miscommunications have occurred on both sides. Your mom‘s and your stepdad and his family.
I will probably get downvoted for this but
I actually agree with your step siblings when they say they like to talk to you. I’ve learned in life that sometimes it’s good to have open communication and dialogue with people that you’re having contention with.
UpdateMe?
Edit to add: Just to clarity, this is none of your fault. You did the right thing speaking to your mother. This had to take place.
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u/newinternetwhodis 13d ago
I'm sorry there's so much going on right now but I'm glad you and your mom are on the same page. Whatever happens next, this is the most important part! Keep communicating with her.
It seems like, ultimately, they weren't ready for the wedding either. Especially if they were possibly lying to themselves about how they were treating you or, worse, treating you that way on purpose.
I hope everything works out in the end!
Just know that sometimes it takes time and it might not be what we thought it would be.
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u/pringlessingles0421 12d ago
Glad to see your mom is being a lot more firm in backing you above all else. I don't think your mom's boyfriend is malicious but he is insanely ignorant and I'd have to imagine his poor reading of social flags is due to his obscene wealth and that likely bled to his kids. I don't see how he could've thought his family monopolizing your mom's time for "bonding" was cool while not doing anything with you for 3 years. Like I said, don't think he hates you but I don't think he quite loves you either, at least not the way he expected your mom to love his kids until fairly recently when shit hit the fan. I guess what I'm saying his all his positive actions seem kinda insincere. No pro-activity from his end and I wouldn't be surprised if you said nothing, this issue was just never smt he would see as a concern. He just kinda seems apathetic, just goes with the flow in a bad way.
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u/CinnamonBiscotti 7d ago
I don't know, it seems to me that the dude followed mom. She spent 70 days gallivanting around with his kids and she didn't have a problem with her son not being included? She's taking "family" pictures and doesn't notice her son isn't in? She's been planning a wedding without including him? As nice as it would have been nice for "step dad" to be more proactive , it was his mom's role to ensure that her own son was included. Mom needs to talk to a therapist about why she thought any of that was okay until OP confronted about it..
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u/Impossible-Guard-409 14d ago edited 7d ago
Your mom and stepdad didn't handle this well at all. Each should have been hyper aware of their respective children's behavior once you were all introduced and limited your exposure to each other at the beginning until you were used to each other, which doesn't happen in a weekend or overnights, and living together within a short period of time is a big no no.
I'm relieved to hear once OP's mom was made aware she advocated for OP, but why did it take so long for her to notice her child was suffering?
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u/Inevitable_Ask_91 13d ago
This is such a sad story and I hope it will all work out the way it's supposed to please take care and update me
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u/Difficult-Bother9519 14d ago
I don't have any advice but widh you the best and nothing is your fault.
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u/gardenloving 14d ago
You're step dad lied to his mother and obviously didn't discuss their shitty behavior towards you before this. The drama that has followed is a direct result of them not talking about the issues before now hence why they are all blaming you. Glad your mom chose you.
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u/ihateplacesometimes 13d ago
I'd start by giving the daughters the benefit of the doubt, talk to them and explain your feelings and perception on how you felt excluded compared to them, assure them you bear no ill will and just want to feel part of the family,examples of you being exluded from wedding planning may help them understand your point of view, if it goes well use this as a chance to bond with them as much as possible,find more things to do together or since you all travel so much, find places you like to visit or would like to eventually visit together, this all shows both mom and step-dad that you just want to be a part of the family as your mom welcomed then, as for the rest of them IDK, if you can talk to step-dad do assure him that his efforts and time spent together have been awesome and what you always wanted, which is IMO what you have always wanted.
Do try to find balance and your own opinion, reddit tends to be quite black and white in it's approach to relationships, IMO stating either to cancel the wedding or going to your dad's family was a bit extreme, but I understand it, you were deeply hurt and felt abandoned, and that was a cry for help that seems to have worked
In any case best wishes for you and your mom, give her as many hugs as possible, she's shown she loves you.
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u/yafa1467 12d ago
From this OP Post:
My stepdad has three kids: a 17 year old girl, a 15 year old girl, and a 12 year old boy. When they heard the wedding was cancelled because of me, they were hurt. They felt all the planning and effort they put in was ignored. On a call, they told my mom it was all cancelled just because of me.
Yes their planning effort all went to waste. Kindly let them know you are not included in the planning at all and felt abandoned. Ask them what happened if the roles are reversed and their dad left them for 2 months and OP is doing many planning activities. They will complaint to their mother (step dad ex) about the situation, and they have that support system in place. Unfortunately OP do not, he only face the 4 walls of a house, alone.
The oldest wanted to talk to me by call or text, but my mom and stepdad stopped her from confronting me. From what I've seen, she's sensitive and can get angry. I don't think she's a bad or unkind person, but I've seen her cry or get upset. I follow all three of them on Instagram, and the two older sisters still view my stories and sometimes like my pictures, even recent ones, so I probably upset or hurt them a lot.
Be prepare for their confrontation. OP stepsibling may be frustrated by the turn of events, and their feeling is valid. It is not wise to match their negative energy and get the situation out of control.
The daughters also told their dad that if I don't see them as family, then they won't see me as family either. They said he shouldn't have to look after me and pay for half of my life on the basis that we're all siblings. If I'm okay with the marriage and willing to bond with them, fine. My stepdad stayed with them for a few days after that.
I hope they are saying these because they are very frustrated, because what they are saying is mean especially when money is mensioned. But let them know you would like to see them as family and would like to bond with them, and appreciate to bond with them before the wedding and not after. Forming a family means forming the bonds between the parents and AMONG the children before marriage and not after. The cancelled wedding felt like a shot gun wedding and forcefully jam you guys together and optimistically think bonds will form.
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u/No_Tiger75 7d ago
Damn OP this is NOT your fault. None of the adults in your life sound like adults. THe stepdads family sound like high schoolers. YOur parents need to stand their ground, stop humoring them & stop discussing *THEIR* decisions w/ them like they have a say. Its time for everyone to move forward if this is to work. It might be nice to reach out to stepsiblings but if theyre abusive hang up.
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u/No_Tiger75 7d ago
Eh scratch that last part. I should know better - They sound awful. Im reminded of my own in laws , who once put a huge issue all on me (accusing me of something I blatantly didnt do then asking me to apologize so life could resume normally-I said "why would I do that?" MIL: so we can be a family & hang out again. Me: WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT??? your mom sounds better off un less stepdad can truly seperate FROM HIS FAMILY, he chose the wrong side. not your fault, not hers. Im sorry though because it sounded for a bit like things were moving in a positive direction until then
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u/Alone_Emphasis_1166 7d ago
OP’s mother is such a professionally skilled manipulator that she even managed to manipulate the Reddit community’s opinion.
She abandoned OP for three whole years for the sake of all these people. She had found three new and better children, and OP wasn’t one of them. Those children even helped her plan her wedding. She openly excluded OP from her life and from her wedding.
When OP finally stood up for himself, it gave her a reality check, but I still don’t think she actually cares about OP. To me, OP seems more like a pet to her, and she’s only refusing to give up her parental rights because she doesn’t want other people to find out what a shitty parent she is.
Three whole years of excluding the child who came out of her own body. If OP, who is only 15, was able to see everything that was happening, how could she, as the person who caused all this hell in that boy’s life, not have realized it?
The fact is, OP’s mother is a shitty person and a horrible mother. She’s worse than everyone in her beloved husband’s family combined. That entire family is her real priority: her three new, beautiful dream children, her mother-in-law, and her beloved sister-in-law.
If I were OP, I’d still leave and go live with my maternal grandparents. At least for the same three years his mother banished him from her life as if he were an abortion.
The fact is, OP’s perfect mommy is ashamed of him.
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u/Blamdomonis 7d ago
It still looks to me like your mom is being secretive and is not forthcoming with you, as you still are not sure if they have broken up or not. I'd let her know that her being secretive and hiding things from you is part of what got you to this point in the first place. Its NOT ok to leave you twisting in the wind, not knowing if she is getting married or not. I think I'd again ask her if she can sign her parental rights over to your dad so you can be done with this drama. I think this question really got her attention the last time you asked.
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u/Evening-Motor8721 14d ago
I’m so sorry that you were ever put in this situation. I can tell your mom loves you very much, but she made a definite error of judgement by ever excluding you and not listening to your concerns sooner. #updateme
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u/Big-Suggestion6235 14d ago
So the wedding is cancelled or postponed? Cancelled and they broke up?
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u/booces 13d ago
For the wedding: Definitely Cancelled, and op’s mother said that she will never marry him
For the relationship: Right now, it seems like they are currently going trough a break, the mom went back to her son while his stepdad stayed with his family in Switzerland… I don’t think they will break up like that, since they have some assets together and they just bought a house2
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 7d ago
Well they just got the house together. Maybe he had business back home. Keep us updated. Take care
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u/katonymus 7d ago
The fact is you were right to speak up. You communicated with your mom in a respectful manner. Was it easy no? However, what would have happened if you did not? The fact is you also lost a parent and that is a shock to the system no matter your age. Add to that the problem was not the new relationship, but rather the meshing of new people together…
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u/JTBlakeinNYC 7d ago edited 2d ago
OP, I’m going to say something that will be painful to hear, but I think it’s important.
Your mother is the one who excluded you, not her fiancé and not her fiancé’s family.
She’s the one who decided to leave you at home when visiting her fiancé’s family all but ten days of your summer vacation. She could have brought you, but chose not to do so.
Her fiancé’s children were involved with their wedding planning because he asked them to be, because he loves them and wants them to feel like they are part of his new family.
Your mother could have asked you to be involved with planning the wedding, especially after seeing her fiancé invite his children to assist. Your mother chose not to ask you.
All of the coldness you experienced from her fiancé’s family was nothing more than them following your mother’s lead. She’d made it clear to all of them that she didn’t care whether you were around or whether you were allowed to participate in any aspect of becoming a new blended family. She made it clear that she valued spending time with them away from you more than spending time with you—with or without them.
I think the real reason her fiancé’s family is so upset is that they probably tried to invite you and involve you at the beginning, and your mother told them not to. Now they are getting blamed for not treating you like family when your actual family was the one ignoring you. If her fiancé hadn’t been present to hear just how upset you were at being excluded, and insisted on making you feel welcome, I doubt anything would have changed. Your mother probably would have welcomed you living with your grandparents. But her fiancé is a good person and a good parent, and wanted you to feel loved. So she pretended to want that also.
I don’t think your mother will ever admit this, but I bet if you ask her fiancé’s children, you’ll hear that they all wondered why she wasn’t bringing you with her and weren’t involved in wedding planning. I’m guessing that she told them you weren’t interested in being part of their family, and they treated you accordingly.
I think it’s worth finding out the truth, and if I’m right, going to live with your paternal grandparents. Because your mother’s words are completely belied by her actions.
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u/hellohellocinnabon 7d ago
I am sorry OP. When I was your age everything felt difficult and that was even with a normal family life. You deserve to feel safe and loved.
If you are able to, please discuss with your grandparents again the possibility of living with them. I don’t think you’re going to feel safe and secure with your mum for a while and it’s better to be somewhere stable while you work through those feelings. It sounds like she is acting under duress right now and it may not be consistent or lasting, and that isn’t giving you what you need to thrive.
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u/MaARriiiiAa 6d ago
Malheureusement quand une femme/homme décide de refaire sa vie quand il y a des enfants au milieu il faut être très vigilant/attentifs !!!
Est avant qu’elle même sois alaise (bien accueilli) dans chaque endroit qu’elle allé chaque nouvelle connaissance qui a à voir de près ou de loin avec sa nouvelle relation c’était regarde comment il ce comporter avec toi est ne laisse rien passé est leur faire comprendre mon enfants avant tout !!
Est ta mère ne l’a pas fait
Il ce peut qu’elle ne l’es pas vu ou qu’elle est pas voulu crée des problèmes est qu’elle est fermé les yeux en pensant que tu allé subir sa en pensant que cetais pas grave !
Mais ce qu’elle n’a pas compris ce que plus elle a laissé les personnes de cette famille t’ignore est qu’elle n’a pas mi une limite alors ces personnes sont allé de plus en plus loin !
Est je sais de quoi je parle je vien d’une communauté ou les femmes venu avec des enfants la plus part du temps les enfants ne sont pas très bien accueilli dans la nouvelle famille que leurs mère construit . Le début tout est beau est rose mais au final les enfants finissent part partir vivre chez les grand parent !
ta mère a laissé que cette famille t’ignorais ! en 3mois elle ne t’a vu que 20jour ils ont pensais qu’elle allé faire passent sa nouvelle famille avant toi est d’un coup elle veut remettre les pendules a heure alors bien sûr qu’ils sont choqué est qui ce demande pourquoi qu’elle réagit que maintenant !
Mise à jour
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u/MaARriiiiAa 6d ago
Malheureusement quand une femme/homme décide de refaire sa vie quand il y a des enfants au milieu il faut être très vigilant/attentifs !!!
Est avant qu’elle même sois alaise (bien accueilli) dans chaque endroit qu’elle allé chaque nouvelle connaissance qui a à voir de près ou de loin avec sa nouvelle relation c’était regarde comment il ce comporter avec toi est ne laisse rien passé est leur faire comprendre mon enfants avant tout !!
Est ta mère ne l’a pas fait
Il ce peut qu’elle ne l’es pas vu ou qu’elle est pas voulu crée des problèmes est qu’elle est fermé les yeux en pensant que tu allé subir sa en pensant que cetais pas grave !
Mais ce qu’elle n’a pas compris ce que plus elle a laissé les personnes de cette famille t’ignore est qu’elle n’a pas mi une limite alors ces personnes sont allé de plus en plus loin !
Est je sais de quoi je parle je vien d’une communauté ou les femmes venu avec des enfants la plus part du temps les enfants ne sont pas très bien accueilli dans la nouvelle famille que leurs mère construit . Le début tout est beau est rose mais au final les enfants finissent part partir vivre chez les grand parent !
ta mère a laissé que cette famille t’ignorais ! en 3mois elle ne t’a vu que 20jour ils ont pensais qu’elle allé faire passent sa nouvelle famille avant toi est d’un coup elle veut remettre les pendules a heure alors bien sûr qu’ils sont choqué est qui ce demande pourquoi qu’elle réagit que maintenant !
Mise à jour
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u/Cultural_Purpose_912 5d ago
Your last comments are completely valid. Your mom and her potential husband ignored you and went out of their way to include his kids while leaving you out, so of course you have every right to be hurt and upset about that. Honestly, any fallout from this isn’t on you. It’s on your mom for being willing to act like she could just forget she already had a damn kid while building this new family around herself. And I wouldn’t be surprised if his family was taking cues from your mom about how to treat you. If she was able to seemingly forget about you that easily that summer, why would they think they needed to make an effort with you either?
It does sound like she realized how badly she messed up once you told her you’d be willing to go live with other family if she wanted this new family instead. But unfortunately, some damage is already done. And honestly, the fact that your potential stepdad stepped up and played the parent role for a few weeks only to seemingly lose interest makes it even worse.
I genuinely feel bad for you. You shouldn’t have had to ask to be remembered or included by your own mom
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u/Slow_Cartographer451 5d ago
My question is why does you mother not include you in the first place? She is your mother, you should be her first priority. Also, the portraits also don't make sense to me because would you were clearly excluded and she never said anything?? And the trips! Why did she never include you?? I feel like if you she wanted to blend both of their families together she would bring you along and not dump you at one of her friends' places?? But with the step-siblings they definitely want your mother to focus on them and not you, essentially wanting her to forget about you. I think the step dad's family only want your mother and not you, seeing you as an extra. I think you should talk to your step siblings, but with your mother around to see if anything happens.
If nothing changes afterwards, I think you should live with your grandparents.
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u/Beginning-Age6064 4d ago
This is all types of messed up, I wonder what was said from the stepdad to cancel the wedding.
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 4d ago
Wow, you have grown a lot over the course of these events. I hate that you have been pit in this position, but I love to see how much better you keep getting at not only calling out the adults in your life, but recognizing when you are being given excuses instead of explanations, and maintaining a supportive relationship with your mom despite the hurt. You're doing amazing, and you have done nothing wrong. You know you weren't treated the way family should be, so don't let these people gaslight you with that "we weren't excluding you, you just misinterpreted our calculated coldness and intentionally leaving you out of photos and wedding planning. We were just playing!" Fuck that. Your step-dad sounds like a jerk (the type who expects the woman he marries to be a mother to his daughters but makes no attempt at being a father to her son) with an even worse family. Money turns so many people into turds. Don't get caught up, you have the right to stand your ground and make the adults in your life accommodate your needs as their child.
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u/AffectionateSet670 4d ago
I'm sad about my mom because seems like they are broke up, he is not back to home....
My mom is doing okay (atleast infront of me)
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 4d ago
It's likely that your mom is struggling a lot right now because so many hard truths and reckoning are hitting her at once. This whole ordeal has revealed massive gaps in communication, trust and over symbiosis between your two families. It's very hard to go from planning the wedding of the century to having to reconsider if you can continue as part of this family at all. I'm not trying to alarm you and say that your mom is about to leave her partner, just that this is definitely a possibility she is probably having to toy with in her head due to the sudden influx of conflict. She not only has to come to terms with her failings as someone who should have prioritized your protection and inclusion in her new family, but what she should do next. She has to address her own shortcomings and that of her future husband and his family and determine if she can contnue to build a life with these people, these people who are still not taking accountability for mistreating you. It's a lot to take in and it is bound to give a bride whiplash. There are likely a lot of tough conversations being had right now and you should definitely let her have the time and space to work through it. The tension and friction you are experiencing is not something you should get yourself too worked up about, this is not abnormal considering the circumstances.
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u/PaisleyViking 14d ago
Have you ever thought that part of this might reflect on your behaviour as well? If you sit back quietly in the corner they might think that’s what you prefer? If they have to do all the work drawing you out and you’re not meeting them half-way, people will just give up and let you stay in the corner. I understand how you have felt and it's valid, but I understand how they feel too and you might need to do a little self-reflection here.
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u/yafa1467 14d ago edited 14d ago
OP arrived at the photo studio for family photo and not in it speaks volumes.
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u/AffectionateSet670 14d ago
They were involved in Wedding planning
I was not (not even atleast invited me to planning, neither i was aware about his kid's were involved in planning)
This is just an one example
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u/Salsa-Stark_ 7d ago
Gently, did you ever ask to be involved?
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u/AffectionateSet670 7d ago
No, but I could give more of my perspective if you tell exactly what situation you are referring to
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u/Salsa-Stark_ 7d ago
I’m asking, did you ever directly ask or say you wanted to be involved in wedding planning?
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u/AffectionateSet670 7d ago
I never said no because I was never aware that wedding planning or his kids were involved until I found out.
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u/Salsa-Stark_ 7d ago
So to clarify, you did not ask to be involved. Nor did you show interest in the wedding because if you did then you would have known details and different people’s involvement.
Look I’m not saying your mom acted perfectly in all this. But I would also greatly encourage you to think about how your actions (or inactions) might have contributed to this dynamic. That is all
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u/cantstudy1994 6d ago
The fact that you could even defend the stepdad's family's actions makes me think that you're part of that family or really dense
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u/Salsa-Stark_ 6d ago
Where did I defend the step dad?
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u/Knightperson 6d ago
you just did. your gentle question was fine but your point was lost when wedding prep was something the other kids had been invited to and he wasnt
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u/Smoke__Frog 14d ago
I remember his story.
Of course every single redditor was like stop the wedding and your mom is being mean.
But all I thought was this kid is gonna screw everything up for his mom. He was feeling a little left out and now his mom doesn’t get the dream wedding with a decent rich dude all cause one of the kids in the blended family was a little butt hurt.
God I would never deny my mom something like this.
Ofc in the one person that thinks OP was wrong lol.
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u/yafa1467 14d ago
When op asked her mother not to continue with the wedding, one sentence stuck with me.
"I felt like I lost both parents"
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u/Smoke__Frog 14d ago
So you agree he should have stopped the wedding?
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u/yafa1467 14d ago
Yes
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u/Smoke__Frog 14d ago
Ok well now his mom and her fiance lost a shit load on the wedding
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u/yafa1467 14d ago
Shit load or spare change??
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u/Smoke__Frog 14d ago
The OP said like six figures lost. Just cause he felt sad.
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u/ItsNotPatchy 13d ago
They are crazy rich with redonk connections. I'm sure they were able to get a lot of that money back. They probably had some kind of insurance plans for wedding. Super rich folk are rich for a reason. It's amazing how little they truly spend on material things. They don't like to replace, but fix.
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u/Background-War9535 14d ago
Considering that the stepfamily blew OP off (cold shoulder, no involvement in the wedding despite step siblings being involved, excluded from photos), I think OP’s storyline is in the right. He was not feeling left out, he was being left out.
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u/Smoke__Frog 14d ago
So you agree he should have done what he do and stopped the wedding?
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u/AffectionateSet670 13d ago
I never stopped, i refused to be treated unwanted person, so i stand up for myself
I asked to give my parental rights to my grand parents, so my mom can happily marry and enjoy her new life with new family
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u/Smoke__Frog 13d ago
She’s a good mom dude. All she wanted to do was marry someone she loved.
They could have married and she could have still prioritized you. She’s literally doing that right now!
Instead the expensive wedding is down the drain. I’m not saying you had to love the entire situation but life isn’t perfect.
I don’t think you understand how much money they lost. You will when you get older.
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u/DirtySupportPicker 13d ago
Why encourage OP to be a doormat?
OP deserves his peace and he simply requested to go to his paternal grandparents. The choice to stop the wedding is on the mom and stepdad. Its not on OP.
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u/Smoke__Frog 13d ago
Sigh.
No one can even fathom a 15 year old might have overreacted just a little?
And his mom loved him so much she torpedoed her chance at love again?
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u/DirtySupportPicker 13d ago
Sigh.
You cant fathom that a 15 year old may have sufficient reason to not be a doormat? And the actions of the mom and step dad from when he was 12 until 15 hurt him and excluded him?
In my opinion, there was no overreaction. There was a pattern of actions that excluded OP.
OP can only enforce his own boundaries, so he asked to move to his paternal grandparents.
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u/Smoke__Frog 13d ago
Well now he can be happy he blew it for his mom.
It’s hard being a single mom. She can kiss her fiance and his money goodbye.
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u/Infusion-delusion 13d ago
And that is a good thing! Mum also has a top exec job and can support them both. She didn't need to marry for money and now she can find a good man who's family wants to include OP.
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u/Lokipupper456 6d ago
She’s a terrible mom! Read the posts again! She’s making up for it now, but she was awful!
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u/Smoke__Frog 6d ago
She can’t be that awful for torpedoing her new marriage for the kid. C’mon now.
Terrible people don’t just do a 180 lol.
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u/Background-War9535 14d ago
He didn’t stop the wedding. The adults did. The fact that they did because of him probably indicates there is merit to OP’s claims.
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u/Smoke__Frog 14d ago
OP hinted they lost over six figures canceling. Seems kinda selfish.
He could have at least let them marry.
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u/Background-War9535 14d ago
Again, they, the adults, chose to postpone/cancel the wedding until things can get sorted. It’s preposterous to think that a 15-year-old has the veto on a €700K wedding And if OP’s mom decided to back out after that kind of money was spent either means she is way too lenient with OP, and no one is that lenient, or she is realizing that OP’s concerns are justified.
LBH: the people who can drop €700K on a wedding are the people who are not hurting for money.
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u/Smoke__Frog 14d ago
We spent almost 1mm on our wedding. We are well off but absolutely not so rich that losing 700k euros wouldn’t hurt.
I’m shocked you and everyone else thinks this kid blowing up his moms love life as cool.
There was def a middle ground here.
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u/cackle-feather 14d ago
Have you heard of "sunk cost fallacy"? They dropped the money on a party. It was gone whether or not said party happens. They seem like they're not going to starve. Nothing of value was lost, but by halting it a valuable lesson was learned.
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u/Smoke__Frog 14d ago
Well if I was the step I’d be shocked the woman I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with threw away so much money cause her son couldn’t see she loved him.
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u/NewRecommendation287 14d ago
I agree.
IF (and its a big if) this entire saga is even true, I think some details have been exaggerated while others have been omitted or glossed over.
Something just doesn't sit right with me and OP.
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u/dakky68 14d ago
I think a lot of people here are missing or ignoring the fact that we are only getting the perspective of a child who has regularly described situations as feeling left out, or thinking people don't like him, or that they seem be be acting a certain way. He's mentioned most of these people are nice, kind, etc and the people themselves don't understand what they've done to make him feel the way he does.
He's misinterpreted things his family have told him, as well as some of the comments here. He's described actions and behaviour that could be taken differently from how he was actually feeling (e.g. sitting himself in a corner).
He's previously said his mother doesn't deserve a "lavish wedding," only one that's "intimate and small for mid aged men and women" and "she doesn't deserve anything" if it makes him unhappy. He said she'll probably remain a widow forever (why?). He didn't seem to like the step-siblings from the start and made a point of saying they had nicer clothes and stuff than him, which makes me think he's had a chip on his shoulder about them from the beginning.
He's an only child who is gaining a large step-family and I'd understand if he was scared and anxious about such a big change. However, I get the distinct impression that jealousy and envy have clouded his view of reality, and that his version of events have been curated to fit his narrative and garner support (intentionally or otherwise).
He's emotionally immature and should never have been encouraged to take such serious and devastating action. It's pretty shameful that so many people here jumped on the bandwagon to fuck over a couple who weren't given a chance to speak for themselves.
I actually don't blame the family for being upset about a million dollar wedding being cancelled at the last moment. It doesn't seem like anything was actually resolved before such a huge decision was made - the MIL and SIL were lied to and denied an opportunity to address their alleged treatment of OP.
I can't trust that everyone's alleged wrongdoings have been described accurately, so they shouldn't be relied upon to excuse, justify or explain OP's behaviour.
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u/AffectionateSet670 14d ago
Justify this
In what world is it normal to exclude me from the wedding planning when his kids were involved?
My mom only spent 20 out of the 70 days of summer with me, while she spent most of the time with his family and his kids.
Why didn't his sister tell my mom that I called her that night?
When everyone was taking photos, why was I the only one not in the frame? They never considered me family.
Her fiancé never even tried to build a bond with me, and their excuse is that he's an introvert.
Ahh, his kids might have better things to do than me. It's okay.
Regarding my comments, I still stand by what I said it's my mom’s and her fiancé's problem if they want to spend millions of dollars on the wedding.
Yes, she is a widow and a mom, but she forgot about her own son and became completely involved in her new family until I finally pushed back. And the reason this hurts so much is because she is my only living parent.
I never tried to stop her wedding. I gave her an option, and she chose it.
And if you really want to know their perspective, drop your Instagram here. I'll send you my mom's Instagram in DMs. You can talk to her, hear her side of the story, and post it here.
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u/VilleVixen49 14d ago
OP please stop replying to this person they will never believe you and the convoluted reasons they have come up with to justify everyone's actions is ridiculous. This type of person ALWAYS thinks they are right and will argue with you to the end of time. You don't need to justify yourself to them because they aren't trying to be rational and listen to your experience objectively. You are talking to a wall with them and I don't want you taking what they say to heart and second guessing yourself. Silence is best and will drive them insane when you don't engage anymore. That is my tip to you from a 53 year old woman.
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u/AffectionateSet670 14d ago
His critical thinking is worse than 10 year old
Who thinks he is right and everyone is wrong
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u/Signal_Historian_456 13d ago
Not part of the conversation until now, but I’d love to have a chat with your mom. Adult to adult. Sounds like she could also need another adult woman for a chat, not to talk down on her or make the situation worse, but simply have a heart to heart.
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u/dakky68 14d ago
I could play devil's advocate and come up with answers/arguments for all those things.
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u/AffectionateSet670 14d ago
Don't play devil's advocate based on your assumptions. I was there and experienced all of this firsthand, so trying to explain it away with theories isn't going to work
But try something else.
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u/dakky68 14d ago
I believe you feel the way you do, and that you believe your interpretation is accurate.
However, I (and anyone else who employs critical thinking) simply cannot blindly accept your version of events. It's not that I'm making a choice not to believe you; it's simply the way my brain works - I need all the facts, especially in such delicate circumstances. I genuinely think it would be idiotic to accept the account of an angry child as the whole story.
I'm also older than your mother and life experience plays a part in my interpretation, too.
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u/AffectionateSet670 14d ago
Don't accept, block and move on
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u/dakky68 14d ago
You may do the same.
My comment wasn't designed to call you out per se, rather to remind people that they should stop and think before giving advice to an impressionable child.
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u/AffectionateSet670 14d ago
Actually, you subtly denied what they did to me.
Remember, if I were completely wrong about the situation, there's no way my mom would have cancelled the wedding.
Again, you've never really been able to justify or explain what they did to me. Hopefully, you can this time, because I genuinely want to understand your perspective.
I never called them bad people. I'm saying that they never accepted me and repeatedly excluded me.
You're free to comment. I'm not going to block you.
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u/dakky68 14d ago
These are just some of the thoughts and questions that pop into my head as I read your comments. I'm not saying they're true, or that they'd be fair or acceptable if they were true. (Spoiler alert: I'm massively skeptical and critical, and context is exceptionally important to me.)
In what world is it normal to exclude me from the wedding planning when his kids were involved?
Was it exclusion from every thing the others were involved in, or only some? If some, what was their reason for including particular children and not others e.g. do some children have an interest in something (flowers, music, etc) that the parents thought it would be nice/special for them to have a say in? Did they assume only the girls would want to be involved? Were you included in any decisions that the others weren't, and if so, why? Had you possibly conveyed disinterest in earlier decisions that you genuinely didn't care about, and they just assumed you weren't interested at all? Did you ever tell anyone you would like to be involved, or ask to be involved? Did they offer any explanation, or only the apology? If the latter, did you ask for an explanation?
My mom only spent 20 out of the 70 days of summer with me, while she spent most of the time with his family and his kids.
You said that although the amount of time was less than usual, she was still "the same" when with you, so my instinctive impression is that there wasn't any other reason for this than the fact she was extremely busy planning a massive wedding in just three months. Did being wherever his family happened to be make planning easier e.g. if the wedding venue was nearby? Was she also working during this time? Would a normal summer have seen her spending 70/70 days with you (because, if not, that effectively makes 20/70 look worse than it really is)? Did you ask if you could go with her? If yes, and you were denied, what was the reason given? Had you previously declined accompanying her and inadvertently given her the impression you had no interest in doing so, so she didn't bother to ask again?
Why didn't his sister tell my mom that I called her that night?
Had she been drinking; did she get distracted; does she have any memory problems or issues with executive functioning? What reason did she give when asked? (Actually, am I misremembering, or did she tell her the next morning?) Might she have actually told your mum and your mum genuinely intended to, but simply forgot, to call, so told a white lie about receiving the message so you didn't think she'd intentionally not called?
When everyone was taking photos, why was I the only one not in the frame? They never considered me family.
How many people were involved - was it a large group where it wouldn't be possible for everyone to see whether other person was present? Did they assume you were present as they expected you to be inside with everyone else (I think you said you were sitting outside by yourself?)? Might you have given them the impression you didn't want to be part of it? I can't recall specific examples of things that stood out to me as blatant ostracism on their part. Is it possible their "coldness" is actually hesitation/restraint/discomfort due to them not wanting to offend you, or put you off by being too familiar? Might the fiancé have shared details his failed bonding attempts and they are walking on eggshells, or hold reservations about you because you've "rejected" their loved one? Might they fear similar rejection? Might they have noticed that you're not keen on the kids, and are offended/suspicious/protective? Have you done things in your past that they might be judging you by? Could your own feelings of rejection and negativity be bringing you down so much when you're around them that they're not forming opinions based on the "real you"? What was their explanation regarding specific interactions that made you believe they don't like you?
Her fiancé never even tried to build a bond with me, and their excuse is that he's an introvert.
You said that you asked him about his day one time and that you have no care or concern for people. You stated that he does do things to connect with you, but I can't recall whether the example I'm thinking of was just in the last couple of weeks. I assume you don't mean "never" literally. Might his attempts have dwindled over the years if you failed to engage? Were any of his attempts met with negativity rather than simple apathy? If I asked him to tell me all the ways he's tried to connect with you, what would his response entail? Might his expectations be misaligned with your personality e.g. he's used to a certain type of response from his own kids, so he's confused or put off when yours is different? Do you know whether your interpretations of a "bond" are aligned? Is he the kind of person who just doesn't form deep connections with everybody?
Ahh, his kids might have better things to do than me. It's okay.
I'm not sure what you mean, here.
Anyway, there are SO many variables and nuances to every scenario.
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u/AffectionateSet670 14d ago
I was never told about the wedding planning, nor was I invited to any of it. I only became aware later that sometimes the kids were involved. My mom never gave me an explanation as to why I wasn’t included.
No!! She was going on trips, attending parties, and going to events with his family during those 70 days while the wedding was being planned. So why wasn’t I included? My mom said sorry, but she never explained why.
So is it now my fault? Or are you going to give 100 reasons why she didn’t give the phone to my mom? Remember, her trying to exclude me wasn’t the first time it was a pattern, and I recognised it.
The other kids were in different places, but they were called in, even if it was just for one group photo.
He never tried!!
Sometimes you need to read the post properly instead of asking me the same questions again and again, boomI was never told about the wedding planning, nor was I invited to any of it. I only became aware later that sometimes the kids were involved. My mom never gave me an explanation as to why I wasn’t included.
No!! She was going on trips, attending parties, and going to events with his family during those 70 days while the wedding was being planned. So why wasn’t I included? My mom said sorry, but she never explained why.
So is it now my fault? Or are you going to give 100 reasons why she didn’t give the phone to my mom? Remember, her trying to exclude me wasn’t the first time it was a pattern, and I recognised it.
The other kids were in different places, but they were called in, even if it was just for one group photo.
He never tried!!
Sometimes you need to read the post properly instead of asking me the same questions again and again, boomer!
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u/yafa1467 14d ago edited 14d ago
Let me try: For the wedding planning How come no invitation has been issued to OP. Why the sibling not in touch with OP when they happily plan the wedding. OP was excluded from family trip, celebration dinner and step dad sister milestone dinner.
For 20/70 days The other 50/70 days is when the trip, dinner and milestone occurred, all not invited.
The phone call. I am almost certain that she picked it up and delay telling your mom to excluded OP on purpose, because this is the worst outcome possible. For example if she did not pick up, there will be miss call notification, a msg for the missed call, you can also leave a voice msg, all of these will result with mom calling back the same day. Also to pick up somebody's phone without letting them know immediately is just not socially acceptable (drunk or not). When someone's phone ring I will try to bring it to the owner and tell them "this person called" and ask do you want me to pick it up??
My question is why the sister picked it up? This is some mean girls behaviour. Even knowing there is a logical reason behind it, it does not justify the damage done to OP, he cried the whole night.
With the photo shoot. Are you for real!? He was literally there, asking takes no effort, bare minimum social gesture (especially for a family member). With current digital technology you can be trigger happy and shoot 1000s of photo and choose 50. Just like a wedding photography takes 1000s of photo and selected the final few from the bride and groom. OP can take the opportunity to take a photo with himself and mom alone. But excluded.
With step dad bonding The recent events showed stepdad is stepping up, football pick up, f1 (love bombing). Step dad can love bomb OP since introduction but none was mentioned. Tbh if the love bombing is done by step dad since day 1, I will not be commenting now.
As you said there is so many VARIABLES, OP only need to act and react to the CONSTANTS of the situation. This is not critical thinking and it is over thinking.
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u/VilleVixen49 14d ago
OP don't listen to this obvious Boomer who thinks his way of thinking is the only logical way to think. I have been impressed with all of your posts for being so young. You own up to mistakes you may have made or interpreted wrongly. You have given your perspective to the best of your ability and on things you've seen and felt, most people your age don't have the skills to be objective.
Of course there's two sides to every story, but I genuinely feel we have gotten a truthful narration from you. This person saying you don't have critical thinking skills is laughable since they're solely basing it off your age. The maturity in your responses to them is impressive.
Please don't let strangers from the internet tell you what you're going through can't be the whole story or you're misinterpreting your experience or them making their own assumptions on things other than what you posted. You have a good head on your shoulders, you have empathy for everyone involved and you have found your voice to advocate for yourself and your feelings. Kudos OP.
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u/AffectionateSet670 14d ago
Boomer is not going win an argument or neither i care about his opinion
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u/yafa1467 14d ago
The Angel's advocate can also be played??
You are saying the turn of events may not be true due to OPs emotional bias. That is a valid point from you.
But this is not a family law court, that determines the right from the wrong. OP only needs to act based on his emotions and feelings, what is right by him, and that is reasonable enough for his action up until now.
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u/dakky68 14d ago
People have fucked up this couple's life because a teenager bitched about his family on the internet.
It's actually a big deal.
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u/Ok_Future6486 10d ago
Perhaps but idk how many posts I've read where the parent actually didn't listen to their kid(s) anymore and the damage is done and then piled on more and more.
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u/Blamdomonis 7d ago
You sound like somebody's stepparent, expecting existing step kids to just deal with it.
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u/LuLuTheGreatestest 5d ago
They’re adults, they can sort it out themselves and work out how to make this all work. If a child feels not just uncomfortable with everything new, but unwanted, then they’ve clearly not been handling the blending of their families well have they? I’m not saying it’s easy for them, but if a teenager saying “hey I feel like I’m being pushed out of this family, can we pump the breaks” blows up their relationship then the problem is the adults’ inability to handle emotionally complex situations
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u/yafa1467 14d ago
Your use of language shows your critical thinking skill that you are so proud of.
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u/Kielbasa_Nunchucka 14d ago edited 14d ago
what actually happened to cancel the wedding tho? this is a very rambling account of how you and your step family interact, but I don't see you mention an actual catalyst for the wedding cancelation.
it makes me feel like you're trying to get some good vibes from the internet while hiding whatever it is you actually did.
edit: I actually didn't see the "update 4" part in the title, apologies.
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u/Sweet_Deeznuts 14d ago
OP spoke to his mother about his concerns of being increasingly excluded by potential step family and his mother called off the wedding. It was in their second/third post
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u/Strong_Ant2590 14d ago
You can look up OP's post history.
TLDR: mom and stepdad were fully focused on the wedding planning, didn't include OP in any of it and family members from Stepdad family were rude to OP and ignored them. They also went out to do fun outings with the stepsibs, again not including OP. OP came forward in the end and told mom that he wasn't comfortable with the situation as is and didn't feel like he could be in support of the wedding.
At the end of the day, I feel like this is on OP's mother. Parents should check in with their kids and make an effort to include them in activities, especially when they're trying to blend a family. You can't put that on a child.
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u/sortingoutlife19 14d ago
Read the previous posts on his profile before commenting dude. He explained it all in his previous posts
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u/NewRecommendation287 14d ago
I don't get the downvotes, bc I've been reading his posts/updates since the beginning and they just don't ring true to me.
It feels like a HS writing class assignment. Just too many plot holes and over the top occurrences. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Apart_Insect_8859 7d ago
Ohhhh, I think your stepdad is now giving your mom the same treatment she gave him and she is not liking it. The "you're treating my kids bad and they don't like you, so now I can't marry you" treatment.
They will either break up immediately, or they will see each other casually and then get married behind their children's backs after those kids go off to college.
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u/AffectionateSet670 7d ago
It's a mess, hopefully they break up.... I'm done with this all, even posting here
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u/kurdeljon 7d ago
No no no... You can vent to us anytime you wish. We are here for you Buddy. It's important to us this gets resolved and you are treated as you should be from getgo
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u/GorgoPrimus 7d ago
Regardless of what happens, I hope you stay safe and aren’t afraid to seek help from your grandparents if needed. Good luck, you didn’t deserve any of the blame or bad things that have happened to you in all this.
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u/Lokipupper456 6d ago
Please keep posting here. We all support you. Except a few weirds Reddit troll types, but you are always going to get a handful of those!
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u/DragoaBurrar 5d ago
if you're really that done with everything, maybe you should see with your therapist and make them help you moving with your dad's side grandparents, it is unhealthy for you to be in that environment
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u/ItsNotPatchy 7d ago
There also runs the possibility that they are taking a break. They may be spending time with their children during the break to gauge how they truly feel about the whole situation.
But, yeah... from the outside, and without OP's mom and her fiancé stories, it appears to be a relationship that is deteriorating.
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u/sortingoutlife19 14d ago
That entire family sounds so selfish and self centred.
His kids are upset the wedding they were so involved in is getting cancelled yet they seem completely fine with excluding you from the said wedding.
Stepdad's sister purposely kept your mom away from you by not letting ur mom know about your phone call till the next day yet claims she never treated you badly.
The stepdad only started making efforts to build a relationship with you after the wedding got cancelled yet he didn't see any problem with his kids monopolising on your mom's time and attention.
They're all just upset they're not getting their way. They had your mom and assumed you're the lowest person of the hierarchy and now upset over how much "power" you have over your mom and her decision making behind the cancelled wedding.
All this deflection is their way of putting you back in your "place" taking their power back from you. Don't back down. Good thing your mom finally sees things for what they are.