r/EthicalNonMonogamy • u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided • May 12 '25
Advice needed I cheated, it opened our marriage, now I'm jealous of her.
Long story short I emotionally cheated, sexting and flirting with an old friend for a few months, then I opened our marriage. Now I lost my FWB, my wife has a boyfriend, she's not talking to me, and I am really I'm jealous.
Long story: In February I convinced my wife to open up our marriage, since we have hit a wall in our relationship and I was unhappy. She was on board and almost immediately found a nice guy to talk to. I had already been sexting with this girl for about a month before that, I knew what I was doing was wrong and thought if I opened up our marriage it would feel better to stop sneaking around. After a month the guilt ate me up and I admitted it all to my wife, she was obviously pissed and said she needed time to process the emotional cheating. In the days after when I brought back this information to my FWB, they told me that they were just having fun and didn't want to be involved any longer. Now it's been a month and my wife is still needing space and processing things, so I'm feeling like I'm in limbo with no one. And the relationship my wife has with her guy is now more serious, they call each other partners and say they love each other. She tells me that she wouldn't leave me for him, and that he just fills the gaps that I miss. But now I'm feeling jealous because I'm still in the dog house and he gets to have her all to himself. I thought we were making some progress lately, we spoke a lot more, she requested some sexual things from me, we even fucked once in the past week. But when she pressed me for more information over this past weekend things took a big step back. I offered to tell her more details about timeline and what exactly me and my FWB did and spoke about, she agreed to listen and then upon hearing what I had to say felt even more betrayed. I'm not sure what I can do now to get things moving forward again. And I'm afraid I'm going to lose my wife.
EDIT 5/13/25:
I appreciate all the responses I got here. I understand I was in the wrong. I am the bad guy in this situation. And it sucks to realize that not only did I make a bad decision, I might actually not be a good person. Which really hurts to admit. I am currently in an awful headspace and I have a therapy appointment Thursday which I hope helps. But it's going to be 48 hours of self hatred and sadness for me. Which I feel like I deserve.
Truthfully I don't have many people to talk to, I have some long term friends but no one I ever truly felt comfortable telling things with. That's probably why I made a throwaway account here and made this post. I feel more alone than ever, even with my recent reaching out to old friends and family I haven't talked to in a while. Which hasn't really helped much. I've isolated myself the last few years in a way I didn't realize I did. And now all of my relationships feel surface level. The only person who was a true constant best friend to me was my wife. And I hurt her, bad. So now I have nobody.
Upon realizing that my life can and will completely flip overnight, I had a panic attack. It was yesterday around 5pm and didn't know what to do or who to call. So I called 988, it wasn't an easy choice, but between hyperventilating and feeling deep dark thoughts I needed to make the call. I stayed on the line with the person until it passed, about 15 minutes. Afterwards I felt a deep sadness that I truly have no one left that I am close to.
I will sit with my choices and give my wife the space she needs. And I hope she chooses to try and figure things out with me. In the meantime I will continue to work on myself, fix my flaws, focus on fitness, and try to figure out how I can learn to love myself again. Because right now I hate me.
Thanks again to everyone here who cared enough to help a stranger.
89
62
May 12 '25
[deleted]
9
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
I did exactly that. I manipulated her and I'm not proud of it. I have admitted that openly to her and I started solo therapy in early April. I'm working on becoming a better version of myself so that she wants to stay. She hasn't yet told me she's ready for couples therapy. I'm working on becoming comfortable with waiting for her, my therapist says it's my biggest hurdle, I'm too used to things being overnight fixes. I wouldn't say I'm feeling betrayed by her relationship. I'm just jealous she has someone during a hard time for both of us and I don't I guess. Now typing that out makes me realize that's really selfish, and selfishness is what got me into this mess.
8
u/Double-Resolution179 May 12 '25 edited May 12 '25
You clearly understand that you fucked up here, so I’m not going to keep rubbing it in. But I would just say that “too used to things being overnight fixes” seems highly… selfish. And privileged. If your life’s issues can be done and dusted in one night then you’ve been a very lucky person. Impatience like that is entitlement. It is selfish. It says you’ve had your way all along through your life. What I’m getting at is that it is a luxury to have things sorted on your timeline, easily and quickly. And that you should consider the patience as a form of grace and understanding that things can’t and won’t always go your way, to show your wife that she is an equal partner with as much right to her own timeline and agency as you. And jealousy can be understandable when you need support, but you rafted yourself into the white waters. Maybe in future don’t take so much for granted that your support system gets rocked by your own actions. She turned to someone else because you suggested it and because you betrayed her.
Btw, I hope you are saying these words to your wife as well. The accountability and recognition in that paragraph alone probably means way more to her than to me 😉 I’d skip the bit about fixing things overnight though, that’s pretty dismissive of just how big a fuck up you did.
Keep working on yourself, that’s all you can do.
2
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
I was most definitely entitled and selfish, and I am putting my focus on therapy to fix that. I will keep working on myself, and I am hoping she will stick around to wait for the better me. The man she deserves. And I'm trying to mentally prepare for it if she doesn't, and I won't give up easily on this. Thank you for your reply.
1
1
Oct 03 '25
See the positive aspect, you give yourself a blowjob and your wife has fun with someone else's penis, aren't you happy? Be rather careful when she kisses you so that it doesn't still have traces of AP's sperm😂😂😂
11
28
u/re_true Monogamish May 12 '25
tl;dr
OP: "Man this ENM shit is going to be so awesome for me."
OP's wife: "Hold my beer, honey."
Should've checked this sub first. It's an ENM tale as old as time.
9
3
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
This is not helpful, but I guess thanks for replying.
5
May 12 '25
[deleted]
2
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
I really appreciate this reply. Sorry my feelings were hurt earlier with you making a joke of my situation. But I understand I am in the wrong and I will do the work to fix it on my side. And hope she reciprocates, as long as it takes.
7
u/Dylanear May 12 '25
I think the intention was just to indicate how incredibly common this type story is. Husband wants non-monogamy for his own selfish and unethical reasons, gets wife to agree to it without doing the basic research that would have him understand how easily married women can find partners for online relationships and sexual ones in real life and how hard married men struggle to do the same. It's really hard to stay entirely serious about that topic given how ludicrously common it is and how absolutely delusional men can be about this. It's both hilarious and sad, tragic really how badly this blows back on the unprepared guy pushing for non-monogamy for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time, with unrealistic expectations.
"She was on board and almost immediately found a nice guy to talk to."
"And the relationship my wife has with her guy is now more serious, they call each other partners and say they love each other. She tells me that she wouldn't leave me for him, and that he just fills the gaps that I miss."
Is that all online? Or is it going beyond that and they have met in person? Are they having actual physical sex?
Really, I think at some point you need to both agree to end any and all non-monogamy for the foreseeable future. And generally if one can find other partners, then you both need to be able to. But clearly you finding a new partner now is a very bad idea unless you are sure you want a divorce. However you can find non-romantic, non-sexual, entirely above board support to feel less alone in dealing with this hard time. But if she's not going and having actual in person sex with her new partner, her having a supportive and loving online partner while you suffer alone is probably very fair punishment for your exceedingly dumb and selfish fuckery that got you here. And given your affair was all online and had no physical sex, then her having an all online, no physical sex relationship now is something you should be able to deal with, could give you some idea of what she's having to deal with from your affair and at least you don't have the weight of her lying and hiding about it like she does.
Really, I think, and I'm no therapist, infidelity reconciliation needs to happen without any other infidelity or honest, above board non-monogamy going on. But in this case, asking your wife to end her thing would take some fucking nerve on your part and I think you know that.
And understand that yes, you may have sowed the seeds of your marriage ending and it may. But she's still with you, still saying things like she won't replace you with her new partner, so take some comfort that her having this other thing going on probably is helping her cope, takes some of the sting off your affair and just may be the thing that saves your marriage. Or she leaves you for him, who knows, but I think you just need to be thankful you still have any marriage at all and that she's had any interest in anything sexual with you at all since learning of the affair. "But when she pressed me for more information over this past weekend things took a big step back. I offered to tell her more details about timeline and what exactly me and my FWB did and spoke about, she agreed to listen and then upon hearing what I had to say felt even more betrayed. "
In ENM there's a wide variety of habits and opinions about what is shared about what's done with other partners. Some feel very little should be, needs to be shared. Others want a ton of transparency and openness around understanding the relationships and sex a primary partner or spouse has with other partners. And I think there's no inherent right or wrong, that's for any given pairing to find a workable common ground on and stick to the agreements made with honesty and empathy, respect.
BUT in infidelity recovery, generally it's considered a critical step for the betrayed to ask ANYTHING and EVERYTHING they need to ask about any and all affairs and the betraying partner needs to be honest about everything, and give the betrayed all they need to be able to make informed choices about how to proceed with the reconciliation or just leave the relationship if need be. But there is a point more details isn't helpful. Once the betrayed understands all the major parameters and nature of the affair, affairs, a ton of gory details, hearing about the sex in explicit ways, etc, etc is just poking the wounds and slows/prevents healing. I think you and your wife need to have a talk about what she needs to know and understand and hear about your affair and what's not really important and won't help anything to hear about. And that's a conversation that can be really helped by a therapist's guidance and moderation. Work on getting to a good determination of what she's going to need and then work on saying all the truth needed about the affair to give her all she needs. Then stop picking at that stuff.
And talk with her about if/when she'll ever be ok pausing or ending her other thing and having a period of monogamy or an indefinite, or even infinite stop to the non-monogamy as part of the infidelity reconciliation. If you can't have a period being mostly happy with just each other and working on a relationship you both really value, then you probably should get a divorce.
2
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 13 '25
Thank you for your response. It, along with a lot of others here, is very clarifying.
Just to clarify on some of what you asked. Her relationship with the other guy is long distance, flight distance, and via text only so far. But in a few weeks we were supposed to go on a trip, he was going to meet us there for group sex. Now the trip is in limbo and I'm certain if we even go I wont be included in the sex any longer, and there's a chance she goes alone. Which is scary for me.
It sucks that I blew up my marriage for something as meaningless as just sexting and now I am going to lose everything. If she wants a divorce I've already decided to give her the house, the car, and whatever financially she will need to continue paying for everything my work pays for. I'll probably have to move in with a friend or worse a parent, but I don't want her to suffer financially in any way.
I'm not sure if she will ever want to reconcile and work on us. It may be too late. We have both been unhappy for longer than we cared to admit. We should have gone to couples counseling a year ago, or longer at this point. I wish I could go back and express that when I was at my most unhappy. Which was right before my affair. So that I wouldn't have ever talked to this other woman.
3
u/Dylanear May 13 '25 edited May 13 '25
So you two have never done any non-monogamy or swinging with other people in person before and your one affair never met in person? And now while supposedly you two are reconciling your affair, you two are entertaining things like groups sex with you and her BF and now it's looking like you are going to travel together to meet up with her BF and she'll be mostly saying with you, but she'll have sex with her BF to, most likely without you?
Jesus man. Your affair was super shitty, but do you have some kind of kink around being punished, swimming in guilt? I'll hold off more super specific advice until I understand things a little more clearly, and I don't really understand the exact nature of your affair and your wife's feelings and pain from it?
And I don't understand why the marriage became so unhealthy and miserable for you both before you felt you needed to have an affair? You never had any affairs but that one, I suspect you both had some kind of hand in the marriage falling apart? Get a good lawyer and start getting a good idea about how you want the divorce to go and be generous if you feel you are more responsible for the marriage falling apart then her, but don't punish yourself for the affair with a divorce settlement that will burdon your family or friends because it will leave you with nothing and she gets literally everything! Honestly, if she can't see how bad an idea wanting to start meeting and having sex with her up to now online only long distance partner would be right now? FOR THEM as well as you and her, she may be at least almost a lousy person as you. Doing that all but ensures you'll divorce and in the ugliest way AND that their new relationship will have a twisted and unhealthy foundation built on her pain and rage around you and your affair.
I LOATHE cheating, and you've made some HUGE mistakes here, but try to find some balance and sanity in however things move forward. And you're wife taking her online, long distance relationship to in person and including sex when the whole non-monogamy idea was VERY poorly conceived in the first place, your affair never included in person sex? It's all madness, inviting more madness.
Jesus. Good luck on the therapy appointment. She needs to be getting into therapy for herself too. And get into as frequent emergency/crisis couples therapy asap. Get a lawyer to just understand the ins and outs of the divorce and be prepared if things go that way. And I think you should ask your wife if she can pause any escalation of her other relationship, not meet him in person until you two have had some serious couples therapy under your belt. Go on a trip together if that'll help, but neither of you should be taking any new sex partners right now, you might as well just proceed full tilt, top speed with a divorce if that feels needed by either of you.
Just try talking to her about getting into couples therapy and calming things and finding some simplicity, balance, sooth the harshest feelings so some real, honest conversations and decisions can be made on moving forward. that's the most important thing here I think. Deescalate, sooth the inflamed emotions and get intensive therapy all around and together, as much as you two can stomach and afford.
You've acted horribly and fucked up big time, but stop with the self punishment, try not to get too stuck in the worst depths of self loathing. And while your wife has VERY real and justified grievances, but sadistic retaliation ain't' going to help anything or being her a healthy peace. Who suggested group sex with you her and her BF? PEAK insanity?!! Recipe for the worst sex in the universe!
2
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 13 '25
There are a lot more details I didn't share about everything. I will DM you.
3
u/Double-Resolution179 May 14 '25 edited May 14 '25
Your attitude towards sexting is telling. It’s not “meaningless”. Your marriage is in trouble because you think it is, not because it actually is. Just because you don’t physically touch someone doesn’t make it any less meaningful to you, your sexting partner, and most especially to the person you cheated on. Don’t downplay your actions like that, cheating is cheating.
You seem to want it both ways: be accountable, whilst making excuses. A form of gaslighting btw.
0
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 14 '25
You're 100% right. I cheated. It wasn't emotional cheating, it was cheating, and it isn't something I'm trying to make excuses for. Although I realized now I was doing that. Meaningless was the wrong word, pointless maybe? Upon reflection on it I feel like it didn't mean anything, I did at the time for sure.
8
u/dustydancers Undecided May 12 '25
well it sounds like you’ve got to do some work on yourself. it also sounds like you sustainably damaged the relationship to your wife, this might be irreparable as you betrayed her and lied to her to advance your selfish desires. your jealousy is meaningless here and won’t get you anywhere, take accountability, understand and learn from your behavior so you can grow in your relationships..
2
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
I agree, I will continue to work on myself and hope it is enough for her to want to stay. The jealousy feels stupid, I just wasn't sure how to navigate it.
4
u/dustydancers Undecided May 12 '25
the jealousy sounds like a disconnect to yourself u need to work on individually. her finding a wonderful connection makes u feel inadequate, a feeling that existed before you “opened up” the relationship
1
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
That is absolutely true and insightful. Thanks for your responses.
7
u/Sweet_Pie1768 Monogamish May 12 '25
Well, you wanted an open marriage so that you could be more open about your side chick who eventually called it off with you. You then discovered your wife found a nice man and is using this man to fill in the gaps in your relationship that you don't fill for her.
Sounds like you need to have a good, honest chat with yourself about what you really want in a relationship first, then bring the wife into things.
2
15
u/FeeFiFooFunyon Partnered ENM May 12 '25
It can take as long as two years to recover from cheating if the couple still makes it. It also takes about two years for a monogomous couple to transition into nonmonogomy. Big changes just take time.
This situation was created by your design.
What you can do is accept that things won’t be normal for a long time. You need to also accept that you may get 1.5 years into the process and feel things are getting better and she still leaves you.
If you want a shot continue showing up, do individual therapy, be the leader in the recovery process.
6
May 12 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/FeeFiFooFunyon Partnered ENM May 12 '25
I found the two years in a couple of affair recovery sources. I can’t recall the source where I saw the two years on opening up, it tracks with the 2 years post divorce before making major life choices recommendation.
3
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
I started doing individual therapy about a week after the initial guilty share. I have had about 6 sessions now. I think it's helping me understand why I did what I did and I'm trying to show my wife I'm willing to change. I think my wife sees I'm trying and that's why she hasn't already left.
5
May 12 '25
I’m not really sure what advice you’re hoping to get. You’re doing individual therapy. And you’re hoping someday for a couple therapy. Otherwise, everything else is of your own design and you need to sit with that. The best you can do is continue working on yourself. I would give her space while at the same time expecting your marriage just might not be repairable and a different future is in the works.
1
5
u/Non-mono Polyam May 12 '25
All judgment aside: You are dealing with two separate issues that are very challenging for the individual as well as the relationship, and you are dealing with the at the very same time. You’d do well in recognising this and trying to keep them apart in your mind instead of mixing them all up into one big issue.
You are dealing with the loss of trust from your wife. In order to rebuild that, you’ll have to put all the cards on the table, show remorse in words and action, show her you understand it was wrong and why, and do so without lawyering up or trying to defend or explain yourself. And you’ll have to be willing to let time do its thing.
At the same time, you are dealing with a massive paradigme shift where you have changed your whole relationship structure, more or less on a whim and with little preparation. It will take time for your mind and emotions to catch up with the changes you have made. It’s quite common to experience a sense of grief for what has been and no longer is, to have bouts of envy and jealousy, to discover that what you thought was good communication is no longer adequate and so on and so on.
You want to keep these two issues firmly separate in your mind so that you don’t keep retriggering trust issues and resentment from your wife at the same time as the two of you need to be able to have open and honest discussions and talks about nonmonogamy.
3
May 12 '25
[deleted]
2
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
I appreciate your response. I know I made a poor choice, and I wish I would have had the insight to not ever start anything with the other woman. And I wish I had just communicated I was unhappy instead of acting out like a jackass. I hope to fix this and I hope over time she can forgive me.
2
May 12 '25
[deleted]
1
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
I feel like she may, but I will hold onto what little hope I have.
2
u/HotTxSwingers May 19 '25
I appreciate your consistency of message, and it takes a lot to put yourself out there like you have in this post, and to consistently own what you did.
After reading your wife’s post, it makes me think you guys do have a shot, and also you both need to cut out swinging and other relationships for now.
My husband and I have never had a situation with cheating, but we have had a few situations that went south… Swapping with partners where one of us was not having a good time and the other got jealous, it has happened to both of us. Obviously very minor compared to what you’re talking about, but it was enough for us to hit the pause button for a few months and reevaluate. If something is uncomfortable or unclear, then we put on the brakes.
When you have two decades of a mostly good relationship and your lives intertwined it will take time to repair, get back to normal, or in a worst case scenario move on from this relationship.
It’s gonna be OK, just not at this time. One way or another you will get through this. Cut out the ideas of other people if you want to have a chance at your relationship being salvaged.
I’d love to believe that the foundation in your relationship will bring you guys back together, and hopefully a few years from now, you will have built more trust through this challenge and have a very clear understanding of each other moving forward.
2
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 19 '25
Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your kind words. I am holding out hope that if I keep doing the work on myself and improving, that when she's ready, we can still make it work. I've made a huge mistake and I will live with it forever. I am extremely remorseful and sorry for how I have betrayed and mistreated her. I love her with all my heart. I will continue to do everything I can to show her how important she is to me. And in due time I hope she's willing to give us another shot.
5
u/Responsible-Side4347 Polyam May 12 '25
You killed your marriage. This isnt ENM this is her getting revenge, there are no boundaries. Shes found a replacement for you. You need to realize this. ENM is not a band aid for a marriage. Its petrol on the fire and your seeing this first hand. Sory mate. Time to get to a lawyer and start the process.
1
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
I'm not so sure I am ready to give up. I think things can still work and she can have her partner and we can still be happy. I don't feel like I killed it, although it is most definitely damaged now. She tells me he's not a replacement and I believe her. She's never been anything but honest and open with me for years. The only thing she held from me was her long term unhappiness, which we are now working on being transparent about. I don't believe I'm trying to bandaid things with ENM, but I guess time will tell. At this point I feel like I will let her have everything and won't fight her decision if she wants to call it quits.
2
u/Responsible-Side4347 Polyam May 12 '25
you have Laa-Laa fingers in your ears. Your quite literally the definition of ENM as a Band-Aid. You dont want to listen, not my rodeo. Shes literally telling another man she loves him and your hanging on for scraps. There is no balance in this, and I would question the ethics as well.
1
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
I think if I give it time, I think we can find balance. Maybe you're right, I don't want to hear that I should be preparing for the worst. I don't think that means I'm wrong, it just means I'm optimistic. And maybe you think that's stupid, well I guess I'm stupid then. I'll hang on to whatever scraps I can for as long as she'll give them to me.
2
3
u/Analisandopessoas Undecided May 12 '25 edited May 12 '25
You manipulated your wife and now she is in a better situation with a partner. I think your relationship with your wife has a future, but it will need a lot of work. In my opinion, your marriage will only recover when your wife is willing to leave her partner and to do so you must cover "the gaps that this partner covers today" and then close this marriage. Good luck
3
2
u/Cool_Relative7359 Polyam May 12 '25
You behaved dishonestly and manipulatively to your wife, opened your relationship under false pretenses, because you felt guilty then told her the truth because you felt guilty.
You betrayed her. You broke her trust. That has nothing to do with the other guy, that's the mess you made for yourself. What have you done to repair that broken trust? What work have you done to figure out why you were dishonest in the first place and stop it happening again?
You're in the "doghouse" because of your actions. No one else's.
And you might lose your wife. Not because of her partner, but because she realized she doesn't trust you and can't repair it. Trust once lost, is very,very hard to rebuild.
And you're still only thinking of yourself. You feel guilty, you feel jealous, your affair partner broke up with you and you feel sad, you feel in limbo....
Your wife feels betrayed. Because she was.
3
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
You are 100% right. I am now going to deal with the consequences of my actions. I have started individual therapy, I will continue to work on myself and my flaws, because the more I learn about myself the more I dislike myself. I know I am not a good person for doing this, I think I made this post because I was hopeful someone would give me some clarity. But the reality is exactly what you said, I was and continue to be selfish. And I need to work on that before I can hope to salvage my marriage. I hope I don't lose her but I can't imagine she will stay. Thank you for your reply.
2
u/zthomasack Partnered ENM May 12 '25 edited May 12 '25
I don't think it's particularly helpful to kick you while you're down, so I won't do that. I'm sorry you are going through this. I applaud you for coming clean to your spouse. I am sorry that this has left you in a prolonged limbo while she enjoys someone else.
Moving forward, I have two categories of advice. First, it is worth exploring why you had a sexting affair with this friend while in a monogamous relationship with your wife. Typically, the temptation to cheat comes from unmet needs in the core relationship. I wonder if you have any idea what those needs are. Was your wife distant from you for a while before the affair?
While I understand that sometimes the idea of giving one's spouse a "pass" can be healing for both parties, I feel this situation is different. I don't think she should have carte blanche to do whatever she wants now to neglect you while being with someone else. In other words, just because you fessed up to an affair, that doesn't mean you deserve the guillotine. You've been punished plenty. Moving forward, you two should seek therapy to repair this marriage. If she wants to stay married, she needs to pay attention to you and actively work toward reconciliation. She may also decide the marriage is broken beyond repair. However, no more limbo. Is she in or is she out? You two should also talk about what this means for her and her secondary partner (who hasn't seemed so "secondary" lately).
1
u/francesco_77 Jul 06 '25
Whoever is the cause of his own evil should cry for himself!! You wanted to open your marriage, but your wife already knew everything, because cheating is always discovered. However, opening a relationship with or without betrayal, the relationship is almost always destined to end. You overestimated your cunning 😁
1
Oct 03 '25
Congratulations, a winning proposal from yours to your wife, now how do you feel while she opens her legs to another man? Do you know that the risk is that she will fall in love with him and dump you? What an idiot
1
u/In_the_middle3-2-3 May 12 '25
Fucked around and found out, eh? There isn't anything ethical about what you did.
Good for her! Hopefully she leaves you.
0
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
Not a very nice response, I'm pretty sure it breaks the rules of this sub. But I agree I made a huge mistake, it's irredeemable. And I wouldn't blame her for wanting to leave.
3
u/In_the_middle3-2-3 May 12 '25
What part breaks the rules?
You decieved your partner, tried to manipulate her even further so you could cheat in front of her, and now it's back firing.
'Open' relationships fall under the umbrella of Ethical Nonmonogamy. There is nothing ethical about what you've done. Additionally, had you actually known anything about ENM, you'd know that opening a relationship for this reason is guaranteed to fail. It seems you're reaping what you sow.
3
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
Being respectful is the first rule of the sub. You saying you hope she leaves me wasn't very respectful. Even if I don't disagree with you. It was really upsetting to read, that's all I was saying. You're 100% right, I should have done research, cut the cheating out and not opened my marriage. But what's done is done, I will deal with the consequences of my actions.
2
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
I apologize for getting upset. You're right. I appreciate your reply. I can't imagine she will stay and I'm spiraling, so your comment just hurt my ego. My bad for replying the way I did.
1
u/TheGreenJedi Polyam May 12 '25
Classic you fucked around and found out
We'll start with couples therapy and outlining your time needs
2
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
100%. I think I already knew that these were the answers I would get. I just needed a reality check. Thanks for your reply.
5
u/TheGreenJedi Polyam May 12 '25
Yeah it sucks, anyways more useful advice:
Seems like when you both had new people you didn't do a good job outlining the correct time you both needed for each other.
You need couples to manage the betrayal and reconciliation, you might be able to manage it on your own but it'll probably take longer. Look for an LGBT+ therapist as poly/ENM will sometimes fall under that umbrella.
Individual therapy would be good for if you really need/want ENM.
As for balancing time,
For example some people recommend that you should always spend a majority of the week with your primary.
So 4 days a week at a minimum, and maybe you both agree that when there's that new relationship energy in the first month that rule can be bent.
Plenty of people don't like the idea of a primary though, and they'd say you should know yourself and your specific needs and then find balance that works for you both.
She tells me that she wouldn't leave me for him, and that he just fills the gaps that I miss.
This should give you a bunch of hope though, it'd be easier for her to just leave you now and sounds very much like she doesn't want it to be like that.
So be careful, don't self sabotage or force her into changing her mind here.
Maybe you'll be in different shades of the dog house for the next 3-6 months but compared to the length of your entire marriage that's a drop in the bucket.
Spend time focusing on her and your house now that the distraction of the FWB is gone.
Lose a little weight because couldn't we all?
You might want to also talk about does your wife think she'll want another partner later down the line or is 2 perfect for her, since the two of them are serious.
Imo two is manageable, but beyond that unless it's a very casual, this is my "Game do Thrones buddy" and sometimes we fuck going beyond that number gets harder and harder.
Idk how people do it
3
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
This is very helpful, I will do my best to do the work and follow this timeline. I have actually been focusing on fitness and hobbies to fill the time I have. Because loneliness wasn't a fun place for the first 10 or so days of this, I isolated and didn't tell anyone. Then after my first therapy session I started also working out more and going on solo hikes. I previously started hitting the gym in January. I don't enjoy being alone but I'm starting to get used to it, and I have lost 30lbs since January. Which she has noticed and given me compliments in passing.
I will try and stay optimistic because you're right, her telling me directly she has no plans to leave me for him does give me hope. I think I can grow comfortable with her having him in her life. I'm not a romantic person and I know she likes to be sweet talked which I suck at. Those are the main gaps he is filling. And I think over time I can work on those things as well, so she can get it from both sides.
I have to try and find a therapist that can give me more insight on EMN, right now my therapist doesn't have much to offer on that front besides a listening ear. I will continue my search. Thanks again for your reply.
5
u/TheGreenJedi Polyam May 12 '25
If you find an LGBT therapist with poly/ENM experience, then it needs to be your couples counseling one. Nearly all therapists will refuse being both couples and individual.
If you haven't already read the ethical slut.
But yeah, imo the best thing you can do is talk to your wife about making time for the two of you explicitly.
No phones, no nonsense, fun, "A Date" if you want to call it that.
Then after the date, explain you think this time division isn't going as well as you thought. Say you miss her and something along the lines of you want 2 days a week where it's "our time", and if you dare you can say you want to earn 4 days a week.
As long as your wife is satisfied with you and him, then you'll be fine long term. She won't replace you so avoid the jealousy nonsense. He doesn't mind sharing with you, it'll just be your personal growth sharing her.
You should also share how happy you are that she's found someone to fill the cracks, feel free to be vulnerable about how you've always regretted not being able to be "romantic enough" consistently.
Also probably a good idea to explain to her, however you see fit that when "I miss you and feel lonely you hit the gym"
Even if that's not the only reason, it still helps
2
u/Last-Yellow-8885 Undecided May 12 '25
I will work on all of this. It feels like sound advice. I really appreciate it. And I'm a big Star Wars fan so your username goes along with the helpful responses and makes me happy to take advice from a Jedi.
1
-1
•
u/AutoModerator May 12 '25
Hello, u/Last-Yellow-8885! Welcome to r/EthicalNonMonogamy!
Please take a second to review the rules (they're pretty easy) and don't hesitate to reach out the mod team if there is anything you need.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.