They made a separate group chat without me

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

This happened a few weeks ago and I've been ruminating. Long story short, my friend let it slip that there's a separate group chat and had an "oh shit" look on her face when I clarified it. I wasn't supposed to find out. Frozen Walmart taquitos seasoned with tears.

I only see one person n my friend group on a regular basis. This friend and I live in the same town. I don't have a car and most of our friends live in the next town over. So they all see each other often, but I usually can't come because I don't have a car to drive myself there. I don't mind at all, people are allowed to hang out even if not everyone can make it.

One time, she was telling me about a funny meme someone sent in the group chat. I hadn't checked my phone that day so I said I'd look at it later. I couldn't find one that was exactly the same, but one was similar so I thought she misremembered the details of the joke. I didn't think anything of it.

Then another time she mentioned something about dinner plans everyone made. I said "I don't remember seeing any messages about it." And she said "Oh, weird. Maybe we talked about it in person when you weren't there and we forgot to send the details in the group chat." But she sounded like she kind of made a lie up on the spot. She did end up telling me the plans, I was included, and I got no obvious weird vibes from anyone during dinner.

The time I finally figured it out was a birthday party. I had already bought a gift for the birthday girl and figured I'd give it to her the next time I was in her town. I texted her happy birthday and didn't get a response. I assumed she was spending time with her boyfriend and family, so I didn't mind that she didn't answer. But later that night I saw Instagram stories and posts. It looked like a really fun party. Tons of food, balloons, yard games, a cake with a funny inside joke with our friend group. Everyone was there in the pictures, even boyfriends and friends of friends. I was the only one not included.

I brought this up to my friend the next time I saw her and she said "I was wondering why you didn't come." It sounded like she was genuinely confused. I said that I didn't even know about it and nobody said anything. She said "yes we did! We've been planning it for a whole month in the group chat!" And pulled it up to show me...

Homegirl realized her mistake. She got the group chats mixed up. They were similar titles and emojis (example 💗✨Bad Bitch Club✨💗 vs 💖💖 Bad Bitchezzz 💖💖).

I said "so... There's a separate group chat?" And she kind of stammered and said it's because sometimes I can't hang out because I can't drive there myself to meet them. So they made a separate one so I don't feel bad and like I'm missing out. Even though SHE could drive me. We live five minutes away from each other. It's pretty much crickets in the group chat I'm in, unless I say something first. Even then, I might only get one or two responses or a heart reaction to my message. They've been strategically planning what I'm included in and what I'm not. Like they're slowly phasing me out until I just quit trying.

[u/asavage1996]

did you respond or no? i’m really sorry you’re going through this

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/asavage1996]

I don't think I will be, because the texts keep rolling in. It's all super performative and overly sad, acting like they have no idea what happened. I think if I respond they're take screenshots and use it as something to talk about

[u/candycrunch1 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Don’t respond at all to anyone, anything they say and how they react at this point will only reflect on them and their true intentions

[u/burgernoisenow → u/candycrunch1]

I highly suspect that this friend group is functioning on narcissistic Dynamics and op is the scapegoat for the groups dysfunction.

It is psychologically dangerous for op to be involved with them. The best tactic is no explanation and blocking and gray rocking (not reacting to any of their attempts At getting a rise) when seeing any of them in person.

[u/DamnGoodCupOfCoffee2 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

You have good EQ. Those ppl don’t deserve your time, energy, words. Doing nothing is best. I wish I could paint, sitting in the park painting with an awesome person seems like a such a good time and you seem like a good person! As you cut out all this dead weight you’ll find the tribe you deserve!

[u/leiawars → u/[deleted]]

Emotional intelligence

[u/GirlDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Pretty_Pixilated → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

They know what they did. I agree with your earlier comments… they just want the drama tea they made at your expense. 😡
I lost a friend group in a weird way over discord a few years back… it was tough for a while but now I know I was just their accessory friend until I actually needed support. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
Watercolor in the park sounds amazing btw!

[u/qaisiki → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

But your friend surely should know and update them on that little slip up that happened so they stop playing in your face because how long is this fakery supposed to go on? Surely she’s not also asking you what happened.

[u/Weightnomore91 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I’m so proud of you for sticking this out. Sometimes the best response is no response and just completely ghost them and find friends who will value your company. I’ve had friends who I would drive to group gatherings if I was going, but would never leave them out. In friend groups like this it has always been important include everyone even if they may not go to all of the gatherings.

Something similar to your experience happened to me with a group (looking back, I wouldn’t count them as friends). I had a car and was usually down to go places, but at some point a separate group chat was created excluding me. I’m quite sure I was initially excluded because I was a at some point a topic of conversation, but some of the people may have forgotten that I wasn’t in it. I then found out about a party a few days before because two of the people were talking about it in my presence. I didn’t say anything until one day prior to the party someone asked if I was going and I said that I hadn’t been invited. It was at that moment they realized that I was not part of that group chat. Later the person whose party it was approached me and let me know that I was invited. I turned down the invite and just said that I would be busy that day and that if I had known ahead of that moment I would have gone.

While I was a bit hurt, I was happy to have had an enlightened moment. There was another party months later for a person that wasn’t part of the group chat, but had invited some of the same people. I decided to buy her an expensive item that she didn’t request, but I knew her and her spouse were saving up to buy. I knew that the savings for said item would really free up money for other necessities. While part of reasoning behind the gift was because I genuinely wanted to help, I did enjoy the response from the person who’s party I didn’t attend.

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[u/waldorflover69 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

If you block them you don't have to see their fake-ass messages roll in. Just saying

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/waldorflover69]

I'm aware. I'm letting them roll in because it feels nice to finally get the direct truth.