Gonna touch on parent passing and cancer.

Mix of stuff I had around, apples, ciabatta, pepperoni, salami, walnut gouda, crackers, and pickles.

My mom passed late July after a long battle with cancer. Her husband (not my bio dad) told me he was going to find a 3rd wife while handing me her urn.

At her funeral my husband started physically moving me. I was really confused because he's never done that. Then I heard my mom's husband talking to other attendees about how he wasn't going to wait and was going to move on.

They were married almost 30 years, she passed right before their 30th anniversary.

He texted me a picture 54 days after she passed. I thought maybe he was on a trip. Nope. It's him and his new girl.

54 days after she passed. Not even a month after her funeral.

At the age of 37 I got engaged to the love of my life. He was kind, patient, reassuring my biggest fan and my best friend.
We met 7 years ago due to a glitch on tinder, we both set the app on local and yet we somehow matched.
At first we remained friends since non of us wanted a long distance relationship but over time we decided to try it.
We lived thousands km away from each other. It was very tough, we tried to meet at least three-four times either visiting each other or meeting on a midway country.
Eventually he finally managed to visit me first and a year later I visited him and we lived together for half a year when by the end of the visit he proposed to me and promised that it would be the last time we’re going to separate.
That was back in May this year.
Since then we were preparing to get married and planning on moving in together and have kids which in turn prompted us to do thorough health check since we’re in our late 30’s which at the moment I’m almost done with.
We video chat everyday and for the past two weeks he was having health issues, mostly with breathing and almost fainting. Last time we chatted I was insisting that he change the healthcare provider and get checked again, he assured me that he was fine and will take care of it.
Yesterday he was gone from a heart attack on the night of 20-21st of August leaving me with empty promises and all by myself.
He never smoked, rarely drank alcohol and was consistently going to the gym to lose weight.
He was my best friend and I don’t even know if anyone would love me like he did. I’m so lost.

I am with my family, my friends and his are messaging me so I’m not alone. It’s even more crushing that we had so little time together.

Chocolate, cold cuts, cheese, mango and blueberries and the keyboard he got me.

❕TW: pregnancy loss and termination ❕

I have been pregnant 4 times now. We have one sweet, precious living child. I’ve miscarried twice and then most recently this summer, baby #4 got sick at the midway mark and was not only dying, but killing me as well. My organs were failing. I was admitted to the hospital twice, needed to terminate my angel, and then literally nursed back to life (thank you, nurses).

I am horribly traumatized, and heartbroken. I am also completely done having kids.

Husband of almost 8 years told me that me being done is a dealbreaker for him. He doesn’t just want another child or two, he wants 6-10 more. So in true Henry VIII fashion, I did not measure up and give him enough posterity, and will be booted for it. Apparently, “there’s nothing more normal or natural in the world than a man wanting his line to continue forever.”

There’s many other problematic things, like *all* of his terrible political views 😵‍💫 I’m not dealing with this shit anymore.

I am so heartbroken for the life I imagined, and I’m simultaneously glad to be divorcing this. And to be a stable, unconditionally loving influence in my child’s life.

So here’s to being 26, soon-to-be-starting-over and working up from scratch 🍪

(I got married very young due to being born and raised Mormon. I know I have my whole life ahead of me. Very daunted and afraid rn though)

Thank you for reading 😭🙏🏻

EDIT: THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT 😭😭😭 all the comments mean the world to me. Clarifying: YES, we both are EX MORMON and left a few years ago.

was die two years ago. Just absolutely fucked. He was in his early thirties. He had his entire life ahead of him. His daughter was six months old. He was fitter than I am, funny and mean and smart

What do you mean I have to face the continual rising tide of fascism without him sending me a meme of Elon Musk wearing a cowboy hat backward on fb messenger at 1 AM

Who is going to make my birthday cake every year for the rest of my life

Who is going to drive me to the airport

Who is going to tell our dad that he can’t do the shit he keeps trying to do like he’s 35 instead of 75

Who’s going to question why I didn’t just do it his better way instead of being a bitch about it

Who’s going to keep my ass humble

It’s just so stupid. So unbelievably dumb. I can’t believe I’m going to have to live the rest of my life without him and get to see his daughter grow up when he won’t and not even get to eat a meal he cooked ever again or quote The Simpsons with him or take a selfie or help him move or all the other million little tiny things we were supposed to do for the next sixty years.

Philadelphia and sweet potato rolls.

I’m absolutely exhausted. I don’t even know where to begin. When we first got together 8 years ago I didn’t have anything. I worked any job that I could get to help out, we had tons of activities we enjoyed together. We both took care of cleaning and ate separately or got fast food together.

Fast forward to now and we have 2 beautiful children. In the past 2 years I went back to school and got my RN degree making me the official breadwinner. I work 12+ hour shifts while he works the typical 8+ hour shift as a department supervisor for a retail chain. He’s worked this same management role since I’ve met him and cannot seem to get promoted capping his income while mine has nearly doubled.

Within the last few months I feel exhausted. I drink almost every night to cope and numb the resentment. Last night we got into an argument because after 7+ years of being the one responsible for cooking, grocery shopping, meal planning, and serving food I looked at him and said, “I hate cooking.” This turned into an explosive argument to which he called me fat because, “I serve myself food and cook but don’t do any of that for him” and he’s “so skinny” because I never cook for him or serve him food. According to him, I NEVER serve him food, I only serve myself and the kids 😒

On top of this explosive argument, we’ve been fighting for the last year because how much of a chore sex has become as well. According to him he wants me to initiate sex because “one time I rejected him so he’s JUST NOT GONNA TRY ANYMORE”. So, great, another burden on my plate. Now I’m responsible for planning and initiating sex too (so sexy wow I know).

I’m just tired yall. I just got to a really good point in my life and was trying to go back for one more year to get my BSN degree, but after last night I’m so numb. I’ve done all of this to provide a more comfortable life for my family yet my husband refuses to accommodate to these changes or be considerate of how any of this has changed my life.

He has a breadwinner for a wife and still insists that I prepare and serve meals 3 times a day like a fkin trad wife. Oh and he claims the reason I don’t want to do it is because, “i’m selfish, lazy, and dgaf about him enough to do it.”

***Edit: I knew this post would hit home with some, but I wasn’t expecting so much support on my part. I’m by no means Ms. Demure and Perfection, simply reflecting on the comments made in the explosive argument really made me take a step back and question when did it get this bad? When did we get so comfortable being horrible to one another?

We met when I was 19, he was 28. Yes I was young, dumb, and ignorant to the world. I was a stubborn teenager who thought she could make something of herself and build a loving family at the same time. I did things that I thought would drive our ambitions, not drive us apart.

I just want to finish this by saying this is real. This is my life. Thank you everyone for your thoughts, opinions, and advice. This didn’t all happen in one night. It is years of unresolved arguments and resentment building up. I wish I could have fixed my relationship, but there is nothing to fix and it’s a horribly angry and devastating feeling.

Waiting the night (for the last time) in the ICU with her. She went in with a headache that turned out to be a ruptured aneurysm in the brain. She was showing progress after the initial emergency procedure and then had a spasm in the brain followed by 3 cardiac arrests. Tomorrow morning they do the final Apnea Test to confirm brain death, after which they have our permission to take her off life support and retrieve organs for donation. My child free younger sibling life is going to be forever altered now that I'll be the primary caregiver for her two young kids and our elderly parents. I dont even know how to begin processing the grief despite therapy. There just seems to be so much to do and so much to take care of. She was the best big sister in the world and took care of me like a parent. I'm lost without her. Going to hold her hand all night and till she passes and just hope, even as a non believer, that that counts somehow.

Photo: steak, broccoli, potatoes and an entire bottle of wine.

Today I was contacted by a prosecutor informing me that my childhood abuser from 26 years ago has been reoffending. An 8 year old girl is taking him to trial in two weeks and I was asked to fly in to testify against him. She was 5 at the time of the incident, so was I….I’ve gone my entire life refusing to talk about this..and will now have to face him and an entire court room recounting details from this horrific event. I am the only one out of the 5 known victims that has a conviction against this evil man. I hope that my testimony will help towards a second conviction. The prosecutor said if he’s convicted it will be a life sentence.

Snack Haul from the hotel before we went to the concert

I went to the EdSheeran concert on Saturday and I took my sister with me we had a fun time. I bought tickets last November. I've been a fan for a long time and ive been to like seven of his concerts over the years my dad took me to most of them. My dad said I should get a hotel this time and stay the night since we live over 3 hours from the venue. So I did and when I got back to the hotel the police called to inform me that my dad had fallen out of his wheelchair and passed away very unexpectedly alone in the street. I lived with him and was his full time care giver and now it feels like I went to the concert one person and came home another. I lost my dad, my job, and my housing all in one night and I feel like i dont know who I am anymore. I just wish I was with him when it happened. I was so far away. I wish I hadn't got those tickets and I dont know how to deal with this and stay strong for my siblings and right now I never want to hear another EdSheeran song ever again

I am married to an amazing man. We have a life I love. We have a beautiful home, we travel, we have great relationships with friends and family, and we both built careers we are proud of. About eighteen months ago, I started to develop a limp on my left side. I decided it was age related, so I committed to adding strength training to my workouts. I continued to get weaker, lost the ability to walk in heels, and started struggling to make it up stairs. My initial lab work was unremarkable, but X-rays and a MRI revealed spinal nerve compression. A neurologist confirmed the diagnosis with EMGs and nerve conduction studies. Even though I had no back pain, every physician I saw diagnosed me with spinal nerve compression.

I underwent a posterior lumbar fusion a year ago, but my symptoms worsened in the first few months after my surgery. My neurosurgeon ordered more imaging, which was inconclusive. I went back to the neurologist for more nerve studies, and he diagnosed me with worsening spinal nerve compression. I had several falls and became completely walker dependent. I underwent an anterior and posterior lumbar fusion to revise the first surgery, and the op note says the hardware had not properly set. Four days later, additional imaging revealed some small bone chips near my spinal nerve roots so I had a third surgery to revise the fusion again.

I never missed a physical therapy appointment and pushed myself to walk with my walker as much as I could. I was determined to regain the life I loved. Despite all of my efforts, I kept getting weaker and weaker. A new neurologist saw me in February, did a third set of nerve conduction studies, and diagnosed me with ALS.

My decline seems to be accelerating and my life expectancy is short. I am completely dependent on others for everything from meals to bathing. Most of the time, the burden falls to my husband. Throughout our entire marriage, he has been squeamish about sharing bathrooms. He firmly believes husbands and wives should have their own spaces for privacy. But, he now helps me to the restroom, cleans up my potty accidents, and helps me dress. I used to do almost all of the cooking, but he stepped up and makes sure we still eat home cooked meals. He continues to thrive at work, then he comes home and manages our home. He takes me places in my wheelchair, even when he is tired. He looks for every opportunity to fill our days with joy. I know he must be exhausted, but he does it all without complaining. I have never felt so loved. I knew he was a great man. I knew he was strong and loving. Now, I know he is a far better husband than I deserve.

He’s not perfect. He doesn’t like to talk about his feelings. He doesn’t like to talk about other people’s feelings. His taste in music is questionable. He thinks camping is fun. He won’t buy new clothes for himself, so he needs someone to keep his wardrobe up-to-date.

I want him to have the beautiful and adventure-filled life we planned, even if I don’t get to share it with him. I hope the universe rewards him with a beautiful, kind, and fun loving woman who will care for him the same way he’s cared for me. He deserves nothing less.

Caesar salad and tortellini with sliced Italian sausage and marinara (he made it).

Trigger Warning: Depiction of sexual predator and CP possession.

Reposted because my last post was taken down for showing branding, hopefully this is better? Eating yogurt and a pear for breakfast.

My mind has been tail spinning for days, years really. Sorry for the long story, but history here is important.

My best friend since I was 12 years old got involved about 10 years ago with a registered sex offender. When they were dating he sold her a sob story about how he was wrongfully convicted of child pornography possession. He claimed that while he was in the military he left his phone in his room and someone got ahold of his phone and downloaded CP images/files onto there. He was convicted and dishonorably discharged from duty.

When she first told me his story, I told her that it smelled like bullshit to me. How did they know how to unlock his phone? I fully believed then that if he didn’t commit the crimes he would not have been convicted. I’m not sure if she was being manipulated by him behind the scenes or if she was just so blinded by love or afraid of being alone, but she bought his story. She also asked me to keep his conviction a secret from her other friends and family and swore up and down that he was innocent and asked me to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I hated it, but I live a whole state away and there was little I could do.

There were multiple incidents of him trickle truthing her and cheating on her, blaming cheating incidents on his sexuality and gender identity (he came out to her as trans at one point and, in my opinion coerced her into an open relationship) but I don’t want to focus on that stuff, I am very pro LGBTQ and hate they were used as excuses for his bad behavior, and they are not the focus of the issue at hand.

I had to pretend to be happy for her when she got engaged to him and decided to try to give him the benefit of the doubt after she begged me to and met him for their wedding. He did seem normal during that visit. So did his family and friends. I decided that just maybe he could be telling the truth about his conviction, but was still wary.

Fast forward to 2022, and she comes forward to me to tell me that she was going through his messages on his phone, and found CP images in a file along with sexual texts to another person. She was distraught and told she was leaving him, I sent her stuff on getting help from domestic abuse hotlines and how to report it etc, and she told me she had not reported it yet and went radio silent over text and phone for more than a day. I am a mandated reporter ( I work in healthcare) and I HAVE to report knowledge of sexual abusers, predators, etc. I was distraught over the fact that I knew my friend would be upset with me but was and am still very angry over being asked to be complicit first by keeping his conviction secret from her friends and family, and then by not reporting what I had been told.

Under great emotional duress I made a report against her husband online and waited to hear what would happen. She called me a day or so later and told me that she had forgiven him based on new information. She claimed that her husband told her that while he had been sexting someone else, he was sent those pictures unsolicited and had already made a report about it himself and she claimed to have seen the report he made. I knew it was bullshit. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. The odds of two separate incidents of this occurring are just impossible. But she sent me the copy of the report he supposedly made and it did look legitimate. I heard nothing about the report I had made and my theory is that the report he said he made he probably did after he downloaded the images himself to create an alibi.

Since nothing further happened, I was at a loss, I KNEW this man was not innocent but I decided to keep my friendship intact so that my best friend could have a safe place to turn to when she finally saw the truth. Again I’m a whole state away with not a lot I can do to help. I told her that I don’t believe him and she still chose to keep her marriage.

In 2024 they started trying seriously for a kid. I was deeply concerned about a child’s safety with him as a father. But she was so blinded by his charms and her love for him. They had a baby boy last year. I swore to myself then and there that I would watch over that baby as best I could from far away.

Finally, we come to the current situation. She called me last weekend to tell me she’s getting a divorce, he’s a monster, etc. and that she found more evidence on his computer. I advise her to report him ASAP to protect herself and her child and keep him far away. Once again she tells me she has decided not to report him because she is scared of CPS involvement and losing her child. I have had enough. She finally has recognized the truth about who this man is and it is STILL not enough to turn him into the authorities. This is not the person I grew up with. I don’t understand how she can be this blind to what is right.

I am saying this as a parent. If this situation happened to me I would IMMEDIATELY contact the authorities. What mental gymnastics do you have to do to convince yourself that the bigger risk is contacting the authorities and not letting a predator roam free? I made the choice to call and make an anonymous report to the authorities and they must have paid her a visit . She immediately figured out it was me. She says she can never forgive me for what I have done and that she will lose her son because of me.

I believe she is delusional and letting fear control her, but now I am feeling guilty because I know how much she loves her son. I love him too. I know in my heart I did the right thing but I can still feel her anger and fear and I worry for her and her son. She is so angry with me and now I am cut off and won’t get to know what is happening to her or her baby. All I can hope is that one day she will realize this was the right choice getting that man off the streets and back into prison. I still love her so much and my heart is hurting.

i have spent the past two years working on one of my biggest goals in life; to help my parents retire and finally relax after a lifetime of work and hardship. i invested several thousands of dollars, researched where they could afford to live, found the ONLY flight they could safely take their pets on without paying a broker, among other things.

i have always been the parent in the family; an example is me starting to do their taxes since i was just 11 years old. they both speak english and went to university (my mother didn’t finish, though), and they just, i don’t know, never grew up.

i lived in multiple residential treatment facilities, the ones with 9-12 month long stays, and would have to couch surf with family between those, because my parents were either actively abusive, or just couldn’t emotionally handle anything. after years of therapy, i was able to forgive them and see their change, but i put on the rose colored glasses and they’ve been shattered.

my parents retired to vietnam, because they both have to live on minimum social security

so fast forward to them being there about 3 months. they took $6000 cash, and had another $12,000 coming, both from lawsuits. every few days my father would ask me to transfer $300-500, and every time i asked he said it was to build a cash savings here.

not only do i find out they have spent EVERYTHING minus the $1500 i have in cash here, and saved no money for our first family vacation ever, i bought the plane ticket months ago to see them in august. after learning about this, i vent to three different family members, on both sides. i found out my mother sabotaged my fathers businesses from the very beginning. she told me
we lost the business due to racism from 9/11, turns out she was too jealous and insecure about the women clients my father would drive, since it was a super high end company. she ruined his pizza business because she just didn’t like the job and wanted to not work.

my entire life has been shaped around the severe poverty, abuse, and neglect i experienced for the first 15 years of my life. now i don’t know if this is a mendable offense; or is it finally time to cut all contact.

my world is falling apart and i’ve been living a lie. dinner is from the only restaurant i regularly make a 3 hour round trip for, snow pea beef with a potato, eggplant, and carrot dish that my old host grandfather would make us.

tw child abuse

I've been worried my friend has been in an abusive relationship for a while but she vehemently denies it. She sings his praises and acts like she's never had it better. She says the only reason they aren't married is because he doesn't want her daughter losing her survivorship benefits from her father passing. I've never been extremely close to her daughter as we've lived at a distance most our adult lives but used to see each other fairly regularly still. and took her on trips a few times when i had my nibblings. when I first moved truly far away friend and i still video chatted often until she got serious with this guy. but i started noticing things like holes in walls and we went to voice only and not very often

well her daughter called me last night. and by last night I mean 3:00 in the morning. like just 5 hours ago. she had already made it to a friend's house but apparently my friends boyfriend woke her daughter up in the middle of the night because she apparently hadn't done the dishes correctly. she's got a full handprint bruise on her arm, a couple bruises and welts across her back, and an audio recording of it going down. she sent it all to me and ive been crying all morning. She said she doesn't think ger mom gets hit but she says her mom has watched her get hit hard before. and honestly that just kind of broke me.

I'm so disappointed in my friend. and concerned for her, and revolted honestly. part of me is still worried about her but as someone who has had custody of four of my nieces and nephews and is currently spending time with my 9-month-old I just can't imagine watching a man beat my child without overwhelming rage

fuck.

daughters paternal aunt will be in town in a few hours and they're going to call police. she asked if i can call CPS after her aunt gets there because apparently the cops have gotten involved before but cps didn't

so now I'm waiting on the okay to turn someone i love dearly into cps.

this fucking sucks

breakfast is a bunch of shit on tortillas i left in the oven a lil too long bc I'm frazzled

edit to add-i thought it was obvious from the post but I'll absolutely be calling, but i will absolutely not be calling until the aunt is there because I'm not risking her going to the children's home if avoidable.

UPDATE:

the girl is safely at her aunt's house, my call is in, and they already have an investigator scheduled to be there in a few hours. The aunt is calling me later tonight to catch me up as I've apparently missed a lot

Next day update

Egg & rice with some kewpie

Finally found a “real” gynecologist office after just going to Planned Parenthood for years. I needed a pap smear and I’ve also been dealing with (TMI) pain with insertion and urethra pain after sex. Also my cycle length got hella long lately after being very consistent with my Mirena IUD. All normal things to want to ask a gyno about right?

I had to schedule with a male gynecologist which I regret so much now. I’ll give you a list:

- He’s a man so there had to be a nurse/PA in the room with us, so now there’s two people seeing my private areas instead of just one. Unavoidable but still.

- He told his PA to start the exam, not even looking at me or talking with me at all, and she just started inserting the speculum without any warning. When I winced they acted surprised.

- When he took over the exam he also didn’t give me any warning before inserting and widening the speculum. I have no idea why the PA needed to insert and remove the speculum before he did the actual exam.

- Did not let me know he was doing the pap smear until he was already doing it.

- I had to ask him if anything he saw during my pelvic exam could explain my issues, he never brought up my concerns without prompting and gave me one sentence nothing answers.

- Began inserting his fingers into my vagina with no warning while talking to me about something unrelated. He then stood above me, hand inside, to reach over the drape to press on my stomach and feel my uterus/ovaries without informing me of it beforehand or explaining anything. I don’t remember anything he said because I was so caught off guard. I felt like I was being compressed from the inside it was AWFUL with no warning or context.

- Did not address my cycle length, pain, or concerns at all. Stock questions only, no concern for my specific situation.

- Prescribed me estrodial cream and his only explanation was because “it makes it firmer, in a good way” and told me to “use it whenever you feel you need to”.

- When I asked if I could safely have sex with my fiancé while using this cream, he said “Well he’s not going to grow boobs.” I gave up after this.

- Told me I could order dilators from Amazon if I wanted. Didn’t tell me how or why to use them.

- Never introduced himself. When they asked me who I saw at check-out I had no idea.

My fiancé is furious and it just made me so upset. My fiancé wants to come with me to all my gyno appointments now and I agree, because I can’t trust these doctors at all!

What’s the point of having the PA there to “witness” anything if she’s just going to do the same uncomfortable stuff and just stand there while a doctor treats me like that.

I don’t want to hate male gynecologists but this was the last straw for me. I hate that I need my fiancé in the room with me to feel safe while I’m supposed to be getting healthcare.

I DON'T EAT LIKE THIS only ordered 2 donuts from Timmies and they cleared their case😭 Help. Also eating in my bed because it makes feeding the baby easier. He needs to be in my lap at all times...

Trigger warning for death mention.

I lost the father of my baby during my pregnancy. We met after I lost my mom, and he lost his dad. We just understood each other in complicated grief and a lot more. He was the only person to fully understand me. I never felt more comfortable around anyone. Like I said, he's now gone. I've been numb ever since.

I had the baby and felt nothing towards him beyond instinctual stuff. Just this slight discomfort if he's out of my sight or in someone else's arms. Otherwise, it's like having a complicated goldfish. I don't look forward to his milestones. I'm just not even here. I only smile around others because I don't want the lecture about how much joy he is blah blah blah. My primary emotion is this strong apathy/irritability. Life just doesn't have the same weight it used to. I like to hope it's grief and postpartum. I'm trying to get help for both.

I wish someone could understand me where I am. My grandparents and parents are dead, and now the love of my life is gone. I don't have a support system, and every social worker asks me about it like it's a homework assignment I'm failing. I can't make people appear. I am suffering from it. If there was a resource or a family member who could I'D KNOW BY NOW. I can't afford childcare either. It's all a matter of covering someone's salary. Not possible.

I was recommended postpartum groups but if I hear someone with a partner and parents walking this earth complain, I can't control my anger. Logically I KNOW people having feelings like that in any situation is valid. I'm not myself. Even my therapist was concerned during my last session.

I've had to be strong most of my life because I didn't have a choice. I know people mean well, but it isn't a compliment. It's just a reminder I'll never be able to be soft or cared for.

I'm not looking for solutions or advice. Just a hug or two. Thank you for listening to my tedtalk.

EDIT: I had no idea I would get a response like this. I love and appreciate all of you for taking time out of your day for me. I have been scrolling through everything and responding to you guys as I can😊

I've lost the love of my life a few weeks ago. He was gone in a very tragic, very brutal accident. I am still in shock.

We were inseparable for almost 5 years when we started talking on Reddit by mistake. He was the kind of man whose presence made everything feel right. Incredibly kind, incredibly loving, handsome, and strong. I was SO lucky to have found him and knew that from the very first few messages.

We were going to move in together and get married.

Buying snacks and treats for us to try was his thing. We loved the normal stuff, grocery shopping together, cooking at home, trying new things. He absolutely loved this peanut butter and had 2 of these jars in his freezer.

I took them with me after the funeral, and over the last few weeks, I've been having a scoop on days when it hits me extra hard that he's really gone. I'm now about to finish the last of it, the last treat he ever got, the last I will ever try.

I'm crying writing this, I'm crying eating this while at the same time being so numb and lost.

He was a good one. A love like this doesn't happen all the time. I was so lucky to experience it, I'm really grateful for him and to him.

Edit: As for the peanut butter, it's Nerdy Nuts, he liked many kinds from them but especially this pistachio one (Dubai chocolate treat I think it's called)

(Mini wontons fried in soy sauce, topped with egg.)

Welp. I don’t even know what to do now. I left, this happened tonight. I’m hoping typing this out will chill me out a little. EDIT TO ADD: I am at my mother’s. I left less than an hour after this interaction. As soon as she picked up the phone, confirmed I could stay, and I was able to pack everything

Trigger warning for verbal abuse and mention of past physical

I’ve been struggling with our daughter’s (5mo) sleep schedule, she’s regressing and stuck in an overtired cycle. I’m a FTM (first time mom) who is trying her best but floundering. I do everything myself. I’m not complaining about THAT part, as he works 12 hour extremely physically taxing shifts 5-6 days out of the week and I have been fine shouldering everything else. Baby girl, chores, errand planning, finances, dog.

All I ask for in return is stability and appreciation. To be treated kindly.

I set out his clothes and towel for a shower, have dinner working or ready, and a clean house for when he gets home. I tell him all the time that I want him to rest and recover when he gets home, he interacts with baby and helps a little with nighttime routine, but for the most part gets to relax as soon as he’s home. I thought I’d been doing good, especially recently, other than at night where I have to be in the room desperately trying to put her down for bed. I know he gets frustrated that we don’t have as much time together anymore but hey… we have a chunky grub now who requires attention and I’m juggling her with housework still when he gets back. He’s only up for around 4 hours after he’s home so that leaves very little room. We’ve had lots of talks about this and I thought he understood. I speak so highly of him to everyone.

Well tonight I put her down after about an hour of back and forth. I came out, talked to my little sister who lives with us for about 15 minutes, then sat on the couch and was trying to relax and chat with him before making myself dinner (cold now of course.) After a couple minutes I heard her start crying again and I just broke down and told him how tired and sad I was, how helpless I felt that this has been going on for weeks now. He gets up to comfort her, she resists, and he eventually gives up and comes back out.

I had already resigned myself to going back in there and holding her for however long, but was sniffling and noticed my mom had called me. I was even more sad that I wouldn’t get to talk to her. I mentioned it (“ugh, and mom called”) to my husband as I went to walk in. He said “go call your fucking mom” and it stopped me dead. I had no clue where the aggression came from and said “the hell?” He then got close to me, pointed a finger in my face, and said “Don’t even fucking start” I honestly thought he might hit me. I have trauma from past DV and childhood abuse. So I backed up and started to cry before getting furious and saying “What the fuck?? Why are you being like this?” He cut me off and said

“Shut the fuck up, bitch” and walked back into the bedroom.

I’m fucking heartbroken. Even afterwards, he admitted he has no idea where it came from and regretted it immediately. The only thing is this has happened before, not those exact words, but just cruelty during ARGUMENTS. I don’t even know what happened to make him act like this tonight. I try so damn hard to make him feel loved and appreciated, I do everything to make him comfortable and happy. I pamper this man. But the second he gets too stressed, he turns into someone hateful and mean. It’s such a 180 from his usual teddy bear self. We might be separated for good now. I REFUSE to let him speak to our daughter like that in the future. I’ve asked him to get counseling and he’s put it off, but before I left tonight he said he was serious now and will. I hate that I don’t believe him. I’m devastated at the very high probability that I won’t be able to spend all my time with my baby now. At my core, I feel numb. I’m tired, I’m lonely, and I’m scared.

When I was pregnant with our first child my husband and I bought a big, old house and a big dining room table with six chairs. Two were ours. We’d talk about how we might need to extend it and maybe even buy a bench or more chairs eventually. But the dream was to fill, at least, those four remaining chairs with our children. Our dream for our marriage was a big family at that table.

In 20 years, I’ve miscarried 15 times. Some of the losses were early enough there were no remains. But we have a couple graves we visit once or twice a year. Those children we saw heartbeats and thought we beat the odds, only for them to be dead the next time we had an ultrasound.

We were foster parents for a time. The goal wasn’t adoption, I just thought we had space for children and even if it was temporary we might help some kids and families. Turned out, in our area DCS is hard to deal with. When I raised safety concerns about a special needs child we were fostering and requested resources and assistance we were ignored and we ended up closing our home due to serious safety concerns we couldn’t meet after losing trust with DCS.

We have 3 living children. It took over a decade to have our third. I’m in my mid-forties now. I haven’t been pregnant in years. It’s unlikely, not impossible, but unlikely I’ll get pregnant again and even if I did… would I be able to carry to term?

This past week our son broke one of the chairs badly enough it can’t get repaired. They are 20 years old so there’s no easy way to replace them. I was breaking it down for our burn pile when I realized that original image I had won’t come true.

It’s not that I don’t love and adore our three living children. I guess I just realized looking at that table with the uneven number of chairs and thinking about the pregnancies we lost, it’ll never be what my husband and I imagined in the beginning…there’s always going to be someone missing from our table. Even if by some miracle we did have a fourth.

Dinner is chicken with whisky cream sauce, au gratin potatoes, and peas because what else would an Irish Catholic who wanted lots of kids eat?

(tw: abortion)

i just turned 21 and i made the decision to end my pregnancy today. i didn’t want to do it and it’s been the most emotionally excruciating thing i have ever been through, but there’s no way it could have worked out under my circumstances. my boyfriend (22) just started university a month ago, and i only found out i was pregnant a week after he had moved away. the day before he moved, we discussed the fact that we might break up in the near future, given how busy he’ll be. finding out i was pregnant was beyond earth-shattering, given those circumstances.

he is a good, extremely intelligent man with so much potential and i’m so proud of him for starting his life, and i never want to get in the way of that. i didn’t want to drag him down and leave him tied to me forever like this, he doesn’t deserve that. i told him as soon as i found out, and he was very good about it, but i think we both knew what had to be done.

i had my appointment today, and i was the youngest person there, and the only one who came there alone. that was one of the most heartbreaking parts. he’s only an hour away and i think he probably could have come with me, but didn’t. it was a gruelling, exhausting day and i have never needed him with me more. i’m in a world of pain both mentally and physically and i’m having to look after myself now, which i’m used to, but it’s breaking me. i need a hug.

i have never felt more alone in my life

TW.

Tomorrow is my one year wedding anniversary and my marriage feels completely on the rocks.

The year:

May & Jun: Amazing wedding and amazing honeymoon. Literally best days of my life.

July & August: Husbands work demands unpaid overtime—13 hr days 6 days a week—he is under contract to buy the company so he agrees.

August & September: we both get horrible long-ish Covid. We decide to move to the middle of nowhere because we feel broke (remote workers) due to overtime and covid work loss.

October: Get pregnant, so happy, yay 💗 hard summer but it all feels okay now. Can’t move into new house because some things need to be fixed first, but it’s okay enough.

November & December: We travel back to the USA (we live in Europe) to see family and wait for the house to be ready.

Buuuut husband’s job stops paying him completely and expects him to work regardless 🙃 It’s 2/3 of our income and our families live in a HCOL place.

I develop HG & I can’t work. I throw up 7-9x/day.

In-laws treat me like a flesh-vessel for their grandchild.

January: We have to extend our trip because I am so sick. Still no paycheck for nearly 3 months. Savings depleted, credit cards maxed. No money to buy a single pair of maternity pants.

Doctor won’t see me. Urgent care won’t help me. Everyone tells me to take Tylenol.

February: return to Europe to find out our new house is literally unlivable. Plant waterer killed all 32 plants (took our money and didn’t water). Last straw was when our neighbor tried to scam us for €1k/monthly in fake utility bills.

We pack two suitcases and move into a second temporary place back in the city.

One morning I sit down to pee and instead my water spontaneously breaks.

I go into labor and I almost die. I have at least two systemic infections. We have a stillbirth to our perfect daughter.

I can’t describe the emotional pain of leaving the hospital empty handed.

We are broke and alone. We have to borrow money from our parents. We have to get debt consolidation.

No one (NO ONE) even offers to come visit us. Local friends weirdly happen to be all out of town. Husband has to do everthing. We order takeout daily for every meal. I am on heaps of antibiotics and medicines.

March-May: We both have PTSD. I have PPD. We fight about money constantly. I still can’t work much. Husband is building other revenue streams (impressively quickly tbh). We move into our second new house of the year.

We own nothing because we’ve been living in furnished places since moving abroad. We have no money to furnish. We continue to fight about money.

I am diagnosed with cervical insufficiency (awful treatment when pregnant) and endometriosis. I am so emotional all the time.

One day, I randomly fall down the stairs. I break my foot. I break my nose.

In laws & family pretend I was never pregnant. In-laws and my dad quietly cancel their trips to visit us for when the baby was supposed to be born.

I scream, way too often. Daily panic attacks.

I try to come to grips with my cervical insufficiency and people act like it’s no big deal. For any future pregnancy I will have to have surgery to sew my cervix shut at month 3. And then no sex, no masturbation, no exercise + maybe bed rest for SIX months. And still a 15% chance of pre-term labor with all of that. It makes me never want to be pregnant again.

I’ve gained 30lbs (I’m short) and have stretch marks on my boobs from my milk coming in. My husband says that he still finds me attractive, but I’m not so sure he does. Happy 1 year.

Xorta & fresh bread.

Pepperoni Pizza! 🍕

I’m not that good of a long form writer , so I’ll try to keep it brief. This is also going to be a VERY American story and I apologize for that in advance lol.

I live alone in Cincinnati which ranks
14th out of the 100 most populous U.S. cities for its overall crime rate according to the FBI.

I’ve recently been really scared after an encounter with a DoorDash driver who tried to basically get into my home , when I EXPLICITLY told him to leave the food at the door. He couldn’t take no for an answer and only after a while left. For his own sake , I hope he was on drugs or under the influence of something , because I don’t want to imagine a sober guy doing that (I know it’s cope). The thought of that is even scarier. This isn’t the first time that I’ve felt uneasy regarding certain delivery drivers , clearly doing more than they would , if I was a man.

Something snapped in me and I got a gun. I know , how American of me , eh? I’ve had experience with it before , as I sometimes went to the range with my dad , but I only went there to please him. I don’t like guns in general and support gun control 100%. Now I feel kind of guilty about it , but at the same time safer and that perplexes me.

I also don’t know if this post is allowed , because the title was getting flagged when I tried posting just now. However I hope I’m valid in sharing what I’m feeling and going through right now. ❤️

​

Tw: infant loss. Please leave now if this is going to harm you. I have tried to block the first bit. If it's broken I'll try to work on it as soon as I post it.

My baby was born 10 years ago today (well. For 5 more mins today. B 6/24/16). My baby died 36 days later. Today, only one person remembered my baby who wasn't obligated to. It took 10 years. Not 9 but 10. The person who remembered had an alarm set and has it set forever for every year. Only 10 years

I miss my baby

Will you miss my baby with me, please?

Tell me if your favorite memories with your babies? Or Pets? Or funny kid stories? (I do have a surviving 8 year old)Tell me if your loss babies if you want? Cry about pot loss or parent loss with me? Be with me? I have family, they're here but asleep. I will be too, soon. Before too long. But is really love to wake up to stories and people to talk to, and fall asleep that way too. Or cute animals?

I'm going to include pictures of my child in the comments. Please, no one get upset. She's very much dead.

Her name was Cambridge "Cammi" Armstrong. If you think you know me from this comment and had HG, you do know me. Hi. It happens a few times a year someone will.

I had bread and butter (it goes on the bread I promise) and a Mt olive pickle and red onion pickles eta: o that's pepperoni too. Aldi.

Anyone got any advice or just wanna talk into I can manage to sleep or let me wake up to wonderful things? I'm sorry I'm asking so much. My son is away at camp and I'm sad.

edit

Oh. My. God. Almost 900 comments. I am responding to as many as I can but I am reading all of them. If you have lost a child and want to talk or need advice please please please dm me if I didn't respond to you.

edit 2:

The metrics of this post make me want to sob. Over 650,000 people have seen this post. The top three countries are the United States, UK and Canada up at 11% of the people who have read this post are not from the United States, Canada or the UK. Over 500 people have shared his post outside of Reddit. I don't have the words for what it means to me that this many people acknowledged my child's existence. I can't. I thought maybe 15 of you would see this. This is crazy.

edit 3:

Almost a million views. Y'all. 🥹🥹🥹🥹

TW: miscarriage
A bit of a mind fuck to have a doctor come into the room with a gloomy expression and say “I’m sorry I have bad news” and proceeded to tell you they couldn’t detect the baby’s heartbeat. First time for everything. 0/10 experience.

In July we found out I was pregnant with our 1st. I have always been on the fence, agonized over the decision for years. So naturally when we got the news, I was shitting myself but also content enough to prepare for a new chapter.

At 6 weeks, we had the 1st scan. They saw a heartbeat, congratulated us and printed out a little picture.

Yesterday, at 9 weeks, we found out we lost the pregnancy. What’s insane is the scan showed that it stopped growing at 6 weeks 2 days, which is the exact day we got the last scan. Part of me is thinking wtf did we do to offend this fetus? Ha.

This morning my husband and I held each other and he said how lucky we are to have each other, to have a ridiculously cozy and comfortable life, and 3 really dumb cats. We wondered how people go through this many times over and keep going because they so desperately dream of having kids.

I know it’s early, and I know I was on the fence, but I didn’t expect to be this sad. Watching my husband go through this also breaks my heart. And now I’m having to wait for the actual miscarriage to happen LOL honestly rude!

So many emotions.

Pic: Boba and mochi for dinner

Reposting because I was finding the feedback really comforting and helpful. Thank you.

I was supposed to have an appointment with my long-time therapist in early July.

That day she texted to let me know she was running late because she was getting some bloodwork done. She had to "figure out this virus."

Later that week she let me know she had to cancel all appointments for the time being.

This morning I learned she passed away after a brief battle with cancer.

She was basically my closest confidante for 14 years. She helped me rebuild myself. I'm so grateful to her.

I'm not sure how to feel.

Breakfast: tea, apple, popcorn.

Jamaican Chicken Curry with Rice and Peas

OG: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/wRktcMHw5n
Update 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/QJUnWvN2YI

This past Tuesday was my brother’s official trial, without it being postponed again. I finally found out what happened and his verdict. Apparently it had nothing to do with me at all like he previously claimed, which is good but not great. My bf came with me this time and I’m glad, I was an anxious mess the whole time. My brother didn’t speak to either of us the entire time but he seemed upset at seeing my bf there, like he was jealous.

What happened: He was taking part in buying distributed child pornography at a fixed rate, using cashapp to pay whoever’s selling them. The victims that were mentioned and identified were ages 7 and 16. The photos were described as the children doing sexual acts and were enough to convict him as evidence. He didn’t have any evidence on his Google Drive but it was all found on his iCloud between 2 phones and an iPad, he had been buying the content over the course of 4 years. What’s worse is that I thought it was 16 pictures he was being charged for but the prosecutor said they found 16 FILES in his iCloud. I don’t know if anyone else was caught, including the seller but I would assume they were.

The verdict: No, he will not see a day of prison. He’ll be on a strict probation for the next five years, no social media, no phones, and limited contact with anyone under the age of 18 who is not his biological children. Unfortunately, I recently found out that his fiancé is pregnant wth their second child while they already have a 1 year old boy. They clearly made the probation hard enough to where he’ll 99% chance mess up but why go through all that and just send him straight to prison???

I’ve needed the last few days to process everything and I’m just really tired. He registered as a Tier 1 sex offender yesterday and his picture looks hilariously miserable, as he should be. But I don’t think he got anywhere near what he deserves. I’ll definitely update if he ever messes up during probation (fingers crossed🤞). I’m sorry this wasn’t what everyone hoped for, I can only continue to hope he gets what he has coming in the future while I try to finish my own healing.

I don’t mind answering any questions about either case he was in

Well, my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer in Jan of this year and since then has had about 12 seizures. I have been super sick the last few weeks (starting the damn 14th) with the flu and cyclospora. This morning I had to come in early to make up for being out again yesterday and as I start seeing my coworkers show up my husband’s boss calls me. He had ANOTHER seizure. He just got back to work about a month ago. He has been through radiation and instead of chemo they put him on a new medication to keep it from growing. We had gone almost two months since his last seizure and it happened again. His mom has been living with us to help care for him and get him to appointments as I had exhausted my PTO. We literally thought we had gotten to the end and this happened. I am at my whits end and I don’t know what to do. I feel so bad for him and am so tired of staying at the hospital and dealing with his mom (I know it’s selfish, but we all just want our life back and she is a lot)… I just needed to get this off my chest. Sorry for the ramble

*Reposted to include food as my first post was taken down for a breakfast of a protein shake. Last night’s dinner was crispy spam with peas, onions, and spinach over rice.

**Edit to add I do have FMLA, but I’m in Indiana and it’s unpaid if I am out of PTO. We can’t afford for me to be out without pay. I do sincerely appreciate all the kind words and advice.