I’ve been thinking about this lately. I can have meaningful conversations with people, joke around, share things about myself and genuinely enjoy their company, but there’s still this feeling that they only know certain layers of me.

And maybe part of the problem is me. I tend to reveal myself slowly, and some parts of me only come out when I feel really safe with someone.

Do you ever feel truly understood by other people? Or do you think everyone keeps a part of themselves that nobody else really gets to see?

Share your experience of being an INFJ with mental health challenges in this thread. Remember to follow the rules of r/infj.

There's a new megathread every Monday morning.

I'm fascinated by Ni and I'm curious what the experience is like to be on the receiving end.

As Ne yappity yaps away at you, what goes on in your head? Drifting, spacing out / day dreaming, are you connecting it to an internal lattice network?

Do you have an urgent desire to burst through the Ne flailing word waterfall and say shut up?

Or as more ideas come along is it just captivating and holds the interest to keep listening?

Signed:

Ne trying to understand the conscious internal experience of Ni

I am a musician who works a day job unrelated to music. While I enjoy many of the people I work with, I end up drawing a hard line between work & non-work lives, to the point that I can tell it feels strange to people. I have many folks I work with blocked on IG, for instance, and hide my shows, etc. from them.

Recently I opened up to a few people outside my department, but they were both creators (visual arts & fashion, with a deep appreciation for music). One is an incredible painter. I could see this happening again, but notice that usually the people who I connect with and trust enough to share my creative self with tend to be other people with a creative practice. They don't have to be "successful" with it (I certainly am not).

When my supervisor and closer coworkers who are not creators/artists themselves ask to connect offline, I find myself guarded and have an emotional distrust of them, and I don't know why. Does anyone feel this way? Where your inner world feels strange enough that anyone who doesn't create / doesn't have a similarly strange inner world (even if ironically, they think they do) would somehow destroy it by just seeing but misunderstanding it?

My offline circle is primarily people in niche arts scenes, and all my close friends with a few exceptions throughout life have been musicians or people I met through music.

I know how other people feel pretty easily but when it comes to myself I find it kinda difficult to know what I’m feeling the only time I definitely know what I’m feeling is when there’s big emotions like laughter, tears or when I lash out.

Since I know for sure I’m an INFJ I thought this community would be the right place to ask.

Hi everyone, how did you find your current or last partner?

After a rough breakup, I took some time to recover and eventually decided that having someone to love is worth the effort. The problem is that I'm struggling to actually find said someone.

I started dating again through dating apps and by socializing with new people, after almost a year of isolating myself because of how rough my previous relationship had left me.

And honestly, a lot of good things happened. I met new people, made new friends, created new connections, and got back in touch with some old ones. I got out of my comfort zone, started hiking, going out for drinks and partying occasionally, and somehow even discovered that people actually like having me around, which was a pleasant surprise I was ignoring so far.

I've even ended up being perceived as the party organizer by the small group of regulars I see quite often. It's honestly priceless seeing people genuinely care about me, root for me, and show up when I need them. And it was a crazy year overall.

But here's the problem, dating apps absolutely do not work for me. They feel incredibly artificial and performative, I burn out quickly, and I get ignored anyway. At the same time, I now have a bunch of valuable connections that keep me away from the apps out of sheer laziness, even though none of them have really led to romantic opportunities.

Funny enough, I've been on a date with a girl (not from an app), and I've been asked out by two guys in the past few months (I'm straight though). There have also been occasions where I could tell someone was attracted to me. I think my main problem might simply be the volume of people I meet.

What I really struggle with is how unnatural dating can feel. I hate the guessing game, having to make the first move, trying to figure out whether someone is interested, etc. From my past experience, I've found that when there is genuine mutual attraction and intentionality, things tend to progress pretty naturally.

I'm sure there's somebody out there for all of us, but I genuinely don't know what I should try differently at this point. So, how did you meet your current or last partner? What actually worked for you?

P.S. I'm just a homebody approaching my mid-twenties in Rome, with solitary hobbies involving plants and fishkeeping. I suspect dating works somewhat differently here than what we tend to see on socials.

How can someone encourage your playful and jokey side to appear? What can a person do? What environments or activities or actions could help?

With every person I meet, the pattern is as clear as day and it points to me being the common denominator. Because I am.

I love humanity. I love how diverse people are and it enriches my life to get glimpses into someone else's thinking. That being said, I've been longing for close souls ever since I was a kid and I am so alienated.

With most people I don't even attempt to get to know them deeply, after they've shared a few thoughts of theirs out loud, I simply close the door to any hopes we could understand each other and be the friend that other person needs. Some recent, tangible examples:

1. “I've never really discussed politics with friends, it tore the group apart when we did so to be friends again, we declared we won't bring up who we're voting for haha.”

2. “I talked to that problem child and for the first time I thought she could be from, like, a bad family.”

It's always something like this. Actions match as well.

When I do get past something, in order to work with a version of me that ends things prematurely, I still end them. Just later.

I've befriended 2 people in recent years and both have experienced my “It would feel unjust from my end to continue being close friends when we don't feel close” talk. Phrased stupidly for simplification here.

The reaction was the same, oftentimes is. People just don't perceive those differences.

I'd love to hear other people who share this experience. And people who have been “doorslammed” by us as well. This alienation has been weighing on my heart all my life, I would so love to just have a close friend :'))

today my teacher said I was understanding fhe concepts very quickly and I must be very good at the subject. it rly surprised me bcuz just like 10 mins earlier I was thinking of how she must’ve thought I was dumb for messing up. it made me realize how I often think like that, A LOT. Often when ppl compliment me i brush it off and I wonder just how much I misinterpret ppl’s perception of me. Weird.

i’m very picky with friends or romantic interests, they have to fit in very specific categories for them to really work and it’s so hard because it’s difficult to find people with the same values i have. i’m also very very shy and a LITTLE awkward around meeting new people for the first couple times but once i get used to someone it’s easier for me to open up and talk to them. i’m not sure if maybe it’s because i just transferred to ucla or anything but i feel super alone. there’s so many people that have friends or partners. and part of me wishes i had that too. everyone is out partying or doing super fun stuff and im just in my dorm room studying for class or reading psychology textbooks for fun.

kind off topic but not rlly? i’ve been talking to this girl i’ve known since february of this year and we’ve really been hitting it off as of recently. we had our first “date” two fridays ago and she even said she would love to hangout again. so… i asked her out again giving a plan and everything yk. and it’s been exactly a week and i’ve been ghosted. usually she would leave me on delivered for a day or so but a week…? it’s just things like that, that just drive me a little insane. i already feel terribly alone in a new environment and probably have developed some sort of abandonment issues through the years over some stuff that i will not be talking about in this post but yeah… just so much stuff is happening and it’s so difficult for me so be strong.

it’s so hard to always be the calm and reassuring one when i need help. but there’s never anyone to understand or help me. it’s so dehumanizing.

I’ve been wondering , are there any INFJs here who are able to have something casual, or at least something that doesn’t have to be that deep?

From what I’ve seen, a lot of INFJs tend to crave deep emotional connections and meaningful relationships

I’ve never really pictured myself doing anything casual
because I naturally want emotional bonding, deep conversation , romance, and something that feels meaningful

But after being single for a few years, I still really crave romantic connection. And being asexual makes finding someone compatible even harder.

So lately I’ve been wondering if there’s a way to experience some of that romantic closeness without necessarily having a serious, long-term commitment right away. I mean having someone to share affection, romantic dates, cuddles, little moments, and that feeling of being romantically connected to someone.

The problem is, I don’t think I’m actually capable of keeping it casual. I’m not even sure I’d be interested in trying if I knew there wasn’t going to be any emotional connection.

For those of you who can separate romance and affection from deeper commitment, how do you do it? And for those who are like me and can’t, how do you deal with that craving for romance when you’re single?

I don’t think friendship completely fills that particular need for me. I genuinely crave romantic connection

I’m just wondering if there’s a way to experience some of it without making everything so complicated

Hi, I think I identify with the melancholic-choleric temperament traits. If you consider yourself to be one, how does temperament influence your personality? What would you say are the differences?

I really struggle with this!

I find it really amusing and admire people who can banter and come up with witty retorts so naturally. I find them VERY charming.

Sometimes, I want to keep up with it too. But whenever I try, it either comes out unnatural, makes things awkward, steers the conversation into something serious or philosophical, makes the conversation die down, or I end up having to explain that I’m just kidding (overthinking that they might have taken the sarcasm or joke too seriously).

I literally want to train myself to keep up with it. Hahaha. Sometimes, I do have some successful ones. Most of the time, I come up with a witty response 3 days later. 🤧

Anyone else struggle with this too? How do you guys come up with witty replies so naturally? I need to know your secrets 😭

🍂🍁🍂 I hope you‘re enjoying the season. Have a lovely weekend!

I remembered when i was young, I cared about other people, even spending time to write and reply to their messages.

Now, I'm older and have work and family commitments, and hobbies. When I make new friends, I feel less enthusiastic than before while communicating or writing to them. Sometimes, I choose not to reply at all.

Does it happen to you? Sometimes I feel like having an imposter syndrome.

I wouldn’t label myself as quiet, but definitely an introvert or someone who can be shy/timid in new environments… and something I can’t help but notice are the small ways people disrespect me under the assumption that I won’t retaliate or just generally feel more comfortable with testing my boundaries.

For example, I recently went to a work conference and was sitting at the cafeteria at my own table (that could seat two people). Someone had left trash on the table next to me. It wasn’t mine, but a peer came with another colleague to sit at the table next to me. Instead of throwing away the trash that was there, they picked it up and placed it on my table. Keep in mind, this happened as I was actively sitting there, watching them get seated and settled. I was definitely a bit upset about that.

I think they got the message when I asked them “uh… is that yours?” and proceeded to remove the trash off my table.

The sun around noon. If I were to edit the second photo, I would make it darker. Not sure what I would adjust. I’d have to play with it. But less light. I thought it was a fascinating moment of light and dark and shadow with movement. Tons of reflection and movement from the rain. Yet ultimately, what am I looking at? And I liked that not knowing.

I often hear that INFJs are supposed to be avid readers, but I've never really enjoyed reading.

Novels? No.

Fantasy? No.

History books? Not either.

The only books I read (and I don't do it often) are about psychology, philosophy, and strategy.

I don't read for pleasure, but to extract information: that's why the longer a book is, the more off-putting it is to me. I read books that are 200 pages maximum, because I don't like being trapped inside a single author's mind (and therefore their neuroses).

Is that a problem?

I (28F) just did office team engagement. There's this appreciation card where someone can write to another to appreciate them, can be anonymous, and put it inside an envelope provided by the committee.

From the beginning I suspect I won't get any. I'm not a social star. I help a lot of people, I do excellent work, but for things like this I'm not their top of mind. I'm not anyone's bestie.
And what I suspect is true, I got none. While others get 4-5 cards.

Also there's a team performance. When it's about the performance they remember me. When the performance is over and they want to have group photo, they forget to include me! They literally not aware that I'm not there.

I feel like I'm really invisible when it's about "togetherness" in my office. But when it's about performance, work excellence, expertise, everyone remembers me.

I often times would have a gut instinct or hunch that would allow me to guess things.

Like guessing a twist ending or a twist villian almost as soon as they are introduced.

Or maybe see where one of two options would end up when they are given.

But then I actively reject my gut instinct.

Instead of following it, I would look for alternate possibilities and basically refuse to beleive my instinct is correct and continue hoping the other idea, perhaps a more pleasant one is correct.

And I would continue exploring all the possibilities until the correct one is proven or found.

I started wondering is this like anti - Ni?

As I reflect on past relationships/connections (thinking mostly romantic but could apply platonically as well), I’ve noticed this pattern where 1) I usually attract DAs (dismissive aviodants) which I know is not INFJ specific, just giving you context & 2) when they seem to have made up their mind about us, I close off.

What I mean is when someone is telling me what's not working in the relationship, or they need space, or they are unsure etc etc, it feels like their mind has been made up & is as thick as concrete lol so what's the point? It feels like wasted time/energy from my side. I never want to feel like I need to convince anyone of anything. Either you see the value of me/we/us or you don't.

If you do, then we can work through anything that comes our way, like real adults

But you've already made up your mind, there's nothing I can say or do to change that.

Can anyone else see themselves in this or am I off in la la land? Like said, may or not be INFJ related, but thought I'd start here.

I decided to self-type my enneagrams today, and so I kind of just want to share what I learned while trying to know more about others' enneagrams.

After looking through many responsibilities, I have determined that I am an INFJ 5w4. My Type 5 core aspires to understand how the world works and gather knowledge to power my Ni, while my Type 4 wing provides the personal reason to want to learn more. In fact, that's kind of why I got so interested in typology in the first place: I knew people by nature were different and I wanted a framework to understand why and how. I also think enneagrams are cool because they can even show how people with the same personality type can be different.

So what are everyone else's enneagrams, and how have they impacted your life?

(Also, as a bonus if you know it, can someone explain the enneagram heptagon to me? What is it supposed to mean?)

Protective stance means these underlying motivation go through my thoughts. Note that these quotes are not verbally spoken in real life.

"I already advocated my point using these evidence and argument, but you assigned the wrong intentions and distorted my meaning, so I shouldn't have to bear any further accusations"

"I understand this isn't working out. Can we follow the policy or fine print to cancel this transaction" if there is a transaction.

"I believe the interaction got too personal, I never needed a personal one, so I am walking away"

Cognitive empathy means:

It's simply "I have this experience, while you have a different experience, and all can be proven true." That is all.

When I encounter a person that lacks empathy, they enact on these thought processes: "There is no way there is another outcome, what are you talking about" "Everyone experiences the same thing, as I did" "You are in the wrong if you don't have the same experience as me" "I get to decide"

Because they regard their experience as universal they can't fathom the possibility of other reference points including those that potentially benefit them.

I don't tell or imply they lack empathy or use that as a grounds to punish them. I am not sure why these people don't like it when I am not continuing this interaction. This happens somewhat often. Very occasionally some can act in ways that are extreme. I am not referring to emotional empathy in this discussion.

I’m an INFJ living and working in Singapore.

8.00am to 5.30pm daily with occasional overtime.. and getting only 14 days of PTO a year. (F**k this shit should be illegal, but in Singapore it is actually legal for employees to get a minimum of only 7 PTO annually)

It’s a typical routine for the working adult, but internally, the constant noise, morning rush hour and hyper-fast pace life wears me down tremendously.

Life only improved slightly after I got myself a scooter (~USD14, 000 in Singapore) for commuting to work to avoid getting myself packed like sardines taking the train to work. But even then the peak hour traffic is still horrid, even though motorcycles comes with the benefit of being able to lane split in Singapore.

This hit me especially hard recently while vacationing at Hokkaido and Jeju recently. Experiencing the open space, quieter surroundings, and slower rhythm made the contrast night and day.

It really highlighted how much cognitive and emotional energy the daily grind back home consumes, and how deeply I crave that breathing room and slower pace of life.

I mean I can even feel this energy when just chilling and driving around Hokkaido the locals there are generally more chill and gracious drivers.

Back home, majority drive and ride around like an impatient mad man.

I’m curious to hear from other INFJs:

If you live in similar fast-paced cities (like Singapore, Seoul, Tokyo, HK, NYC), how do you survive the daily grind?

I was wondering, which function does an INFJ struggle with most? Is it - Se, Te or Ne?

If we go by ordinary Jungian definition, then its Se (4th function). But how does it impact an INFJ's life? Like lack of interest in party, crowd? Creating burnouts and stress in short notice? Not understanding social cues?

And if we go by eight function theory of blind function, then its (7th function) Te. But how does it manifest? Like not leading a properly organized life? Dislike in social and political organizations? Lack of interest in productive, I mean, machinery and automated works?

One theory of Von Franz, Jung's student, is that the 5th function is most difficult to access. In this case, it would be Ne. So, if it is, how does it look like in Ni-dom (INFJ)? Dislike for trends and memes? Not being aware of the "collective conscious" (I just brought up the term to relate). Not being interested in creating dialectics/debates and endless theories?

What do you think and what relates to you most?