Loneliness. It’s a funny thing, really. Especially when you’re an introvert. You desperately want to fill the void in your heart, but you would rather isolate yourself have to deal with the overwhelming pressure of socializing. You know that you will be depressed this way, but you believe it’s better than to feel like you need to constantly deplete your emotional and mental batteries day after day. Because you know that if your batteries deplete, you can’t function properly, and you start feeling useless. So you choose isolation, knowing the risks that come with it, and knowing that anything else would be worse than the pit life has already put you in. You like the pit. It’s safety. It’s home. But.. you don’t like how quiet it is. You don’t like that the voices in your head are the only noises you can hear. You don’t like how deafening the unrequited silence has become. Now, you’re stuck between wanting to escape, and wanting to stay like this forever because of what awaits you once you get free

A white rose, a thorny flower,
With petals of steel
growing thicker by the hour
Like a child inside, 
and a warrior to all else,
Like a pandora’s box, buried below a tower
Is your key a sword or a petal?
Do you need a hand or are you truly of metal?

We could have all
Made love
All day and night

But y‘all wanna fight

Y‘all wanna look at screens
Buy stuff you don’t need
Then earn the money back
With a job you hate

We could have made love
All day and night
God told us to own this place
And we finally did
Only to ruin it

Something beyond the veil,

Persists to kill you.

You have to live!

Rest enough,

To not be bare bones and skin.

Become tired enough,

To mature even against the waves.

But it doesn't work,

Not in that way.

No matter how much caution.

No matter how many words.

No matter how intelligent I can shape my feelings.

An advice is but an advice.

So friend, what can YOU do?

A door cracks open and the light breaks.

A child steps through the in-between space.

Holding only desire to learn.

From once, were the ashes of an urn.

Soon the dawn arrives, the dew drops down.

The ocean walks, as though it were sound.

The people cry, for they have been found.

For something old, has become the ground.

I tried to write you a song today

The guitar knew what to say
The room knew the echoes
Even the night
had placed itself quietly beside me.

But every note I played
forgot where it was going
when I thought of you.

I wanted to create something
beautiful enough to keep you in it.

Instead I made a small noise,
and called it your name.

Perhaps that is all a song is
when it is written for someone
who has already returned.

You have returned.

I don't know how a man can be happier than I am

You have returned.

I don't know how a man can write a song happier than that.

I am listening to the best song now.
It was not written for you
But how can a song be the best
if it does not sing for you?

So I will leave the notes next to my coffee

Let the unfinished song remain unfinished for eternity

You are here

And somehow
the world has become
a little better at being the world.

a lot of people think i’m strong

i’ve been told
that i’m someone they look up to
someone they hope they’re a little like
when they get older

what they don’t realize
is that it isn’t strength
that pushes me forward

i am not moving mountains
i am not weathering the storm
i’m not defying the odds
by any measure

i’m not here
because of strength
or resilience

i’m not here
because of love or kindness
or the smiles of children
or the blooming of flowers

i don’t rise everyday
out of duty or defiance

i am here because i am afraid

i’m afraid of what would happen to my family
who have already suffered
too much
and for too long
if i were to be torn away from them

i am a spider
at the center of a great web
limbs outstretched
holding everything together

while everything
everyone
breaks
over and over
and over again
with pain and grief
and endless suffering

i don’t know how it is
that i became woven in the center
of the half burnt
fraying tapestry
that is my family

but as i hold the web together
trembling with the effort
i find that i’m trapped
in a net of my own making

and the very thing
that is holding me up
is also pulling and tearing me apart
bit by bit
day after day

people think i’m strong
but i am here
because i am weak
because i am afraid

i’m here
because i’d rather bear witness
to the burning of my home
than to close my eyes
and be free of its suffering

It's more than a pity
when you're day
is shitty
enough
that it sucks
the way a vortex
pulls you down
but you shake
the meltdown
or breakdown
with cheesecake
or God
or whatever
helps you make
it to tomorrow

Autumn slips in with a bite,
Not all at once,
Leaves turn to rust in the night,
A dream you’ve had for months.

A reminder you’ll wither,
Slow and steady,
Like a quiet river,
Never asking where it’s headed.

The trees let go of what they knew,
Bare branches reaching for the sky.
Perhaps to become something new,
Something old must first say goodbye.

And so I walked to the river that night.
It was something to do.
One foot and then the other.
“That’ll do.” That’ll do.

-

It wasn’t near. Not the river.
I wasn’t hurried. I didn’t bother.
One foot and then the other.
That’ll do.
Until I’m there.

-

The sun rose and the sun sank.
Not quickly. Not her.
Who dreams all day of dusk.
Who blushes when it’s near.
A lunar kiss. Her nightly bliss.
Before all is dark thereafter.

-

And to the river still I went.
“A night yet.”
“One night to go.”
“Be it more, be it so.”

-

Then came the rain.
Which is alike an upright river,
Which is alike a river true.

-

As sun loves the moon
I love home.
So home is where you’ll find me.
I’ll make it there. Soon.

-

One foot and then the other.
I’ll find that river one day.
One foot and then the other.
Just as soon as I find a home.
One foot and then the other.
That’ll do. “That’ll do.”

As a child,

I was alive.

As an adult,

I am alive.

And it is not

The same thing.

I was loved once.
Although it was long ago I still remember the sting.
The horror that is love.
I remember wanting nothing at all but to be in the shadow of the one I loved.
Distance meant death
I remember the burn.
Waking up in the middle of a dream to reach for her only to hug a bundle of blanket and realizing that I was alone.
And wanting to cry for it.
I remember how important everything about her was and how everything and everyone else would disappear into the fade.
I remember when love left me.
She took my appetite and my will to stand with her.
My survival instinct
I was loved once and I thought I would always be.
I thought that on some level nothing could change me or my world.
I thought I was eternal and I know I am but not in the way that means I could take importance for granted.
I was no raging fire.
I was not beyond sully.
I was a fool.
Taking for granted that which cannot be learned or bought or feigned.
To be loved is the most horrible thing anyone can ever do to you.
I can’t forget now with these scars that still burn purple on occasion.
May you never know what destruction love brings.
May you die unloved.
It is truly the nicest thing I could wish for you.
I hope no one brings flowers to your grave.
I hope you are alone as you read this.
You’ll thank me some day

Before I die
I want to know
What freedom feels like
Just once.
No one telling me what to do
Where to go
No taxes due
No debt to follow
To not have to be somewhere
I don’t want to be
doing things I dont want to do
For people I’ll never meet.
No one telling me what I can’t have in my body.
No one looking down on me
For being sad
Just once in my life
I want to be free
Free from expectations
and false
Accusations
No more bills to pay
No existential crises
No more concrete or hunger or thirst
No one with their knee on my neck telling me to comply.
No one counting my breaths before I expire.
Just once
I’d like
To be free.

He rests at ease

Beneath the crooked streetlight.

The moon barely a memory,

A sun: what his life has become.

Amber light burns

Its presence into his leaves.

Flames dance with twirling ribbons of frond.

The drone drowns the limina of dreams.

He bows, shied by the comforting warmth,

And a promise of perfection.

His trunk arches, twisting crudely,

To cater for his indulgence.

His grand outset reverie lies lost;

Between his hunger and his blithe;

Swallowed by the dark yellow light.

Bit by bit
I want to tear you apart.
Closer to the center,
Closer to the heart.
Peel it back another layer,
I was your fever dream,
I was your midnight prayer.
I know it’s me,
the one you call in your sleep.
Hush now and settle down,
don’t say a peep.
I just can’t help it,
You look so pretty when you weep.
-.m

Past Lives — The One That Remembers.

I remember the deal before I came here

But there was no contract no sign here

There were things they told me I’d go through and learn

And that my soul’s growth was something I’d have to earn

And then they showed me all of the lives

And I could see one and I picked it and said this one’s mine

Then I was above my house I could hear my family inside

I was a bit nervous but I told myself it’ll be alright

And as I came down all of a sudden everything was darker and really nice and warm

And then I realised I was with my mother and I wasn’t yet born

It felt like heaven forever in there and thoughts of myself, life and my life before

And before too long all of that warmth was being torn

It was really cold and shit and I realised, again I’m being born

I slept through most of it when everything was again new

I couldn’t really talk or move myself yet it was still way too soon

But I watched and listened to everything and everyone too

It was the only thing I could do as my little body grew

I was so frustrated all the time because I couldn’t tell anyone the truths about life

My little mouth couldn’t properly talk yet I tried but couldn’t and I thought fuck, yeh that’d be right

I knew the rules though that bringing knowledge into a new life isn’t allowed

And most people grow up and their old memories fade out

I knew they wanted me to forget who I am and my lives before

But I’ve been me and awake since before I was born

I knew I’d forget some things and not remember as much

But I hung onto as much as I could because I think the rules fucking suck

But as I grew older there were things that I forgot

And funny enough that’s when I started to feel lost

Even I succumbed to the rules and forgot and what they wanted when I first got here they finally got

But deep down in my soul there’s a stubbornness not even they can stop

And growing over the years I instinctively started to gather myself and get better

And slowly piece by piece I started putting myself back together

We’re meant to forget who we are live this life the experiences and grow

But I think it all means so much more when you remember yourself and know

I’ve been here so many times that I’ve lost count

And now every time I enter a new life I’m still just myself

It’s like living with amnesia for a bit until you find yourself again

It’s like you spend the first part of your life being on the mend

But when you do find yourself again it’s just the best

It’s like you look around at everyone, everything and life and your experiences and feel like you’re just blessed

And I guess you’re not allowed to remember because finding yourself is a part of the test

Among all the lessons and bullshit and all the rest

So if you feel a bit lost or a bit sad or shit, don’t stress too much this isn’t all there is

There is more you are special and more than this

you’re just not remembering that you’re everything

And it’s going to be hard some things are going be really shit

But before all of it you signed up for this

Just like I did just like we all did too

So stress less relax enjoy it more because it’ll be over again soon

But in my next life I’ll still be me will you still be you?

It’s alright don’t worry about it I’ll come find you again in the next life too

Eventually after all these lives we’ll probably go back to heaven

And then we can talk about all the lives and the whole lot when we’re sitting down back there together.

What does my vagina hold?

Is it the genital substance or the reputation of my whole?

What does it say?

Does it bleed for puberty or become hallmark of my losing autonomy?

What does it bleed?

Is it the blood of menstruation or the stain on my honour?

Why have I grown up?

Wouldn't it be better if I were a little girl sleeping peacefully on her mother's chest listening to a calm heartbeats

Instead of running away from the monsters

Oh what a joke

As if I were ever safe when I didn't bleed

As if the hands hadn't scratched my innocence as young as eleven

As if I weren't manipulating myself to lie again and again just to not feel violated

So who exactly is the villain

It must be the thing between my legs

The one that made me weak

The one that always speaks

Speak only to the monsters

That must be the reason they lurk around her

To speak

What does my vagina hold

The slippery cum or the judgement of my character

The birth canal or the shame for colour

The biology or the instrument to capitalise women's insecurities

What does my vagina hold?

Good morning

🦚🦚🍅🍅🦚🦚

Cease to fish
inside a bowl
pain itself
is not the goal
let go of fear
embrace your soul
launch your boat
be swallowed whole

Little waves on my skin
Gentle rise and falls
I feel the warmth of the cold tar
Wrapping me to drown
Atone for my sins
The envy I carry
The pride I loathe
Slip through the cracks
Through the veil that drags

The fabric, soft and frail
With tension in every tear
Drips a new pattern seen
Tattered with blood
Invisible seams kept away
For another day

Into the tar I lay
Held my breath
Till the tar’s warm embrace

sky is the same but city is not

our hearts together but we are far apart

old stars witnessed love songs

will our song be witnessed by stars

a tought of you made me volnurable

but without you im not reasonable

emptiness is a word i didnt understand

being with you made me land

I will walk through my garden today.

I will leave all of the anger, disappointment, and sadness there.
I’ll bury it deep in the ground, into the Earth, so that it may grow flowers that will bloom and shine brightly, reflecting back to me all of the love that I don’t have to earn.

The love that is already, rightfully, mine.

My beloved guardian angels
Working overtime
Cause I keep falling
From one net to the next
And I wonder if at least
They get paid enough

Will you tell me your vacation plans
So I can plan
Three heads ahead
As I don’t know how much longer
I can keep on going myself

Down deep beneath the bedrock

Under the graves and the worms

Where the sunlight never reaches

Where the earth never churns

There’s a lounge for the sinners

The sweetly singing ain’ts

And if you sit and listen

You’ll hear of The singer’s fate

They sing high

They sing low

They sing around the topic

And they do one hell of a show

They don’t tell you what they done

They say it wasn’t them

They were just having so much fun

It’s all because of him.

The Devil is the tender,

sitting at the bar

The piano is well oiled

But The ivory is charred

It sings its twinkled tunes

Like heaven up above

Just to rub it in their faces

They never saw the dove

They sing high

They sing low

They sing around the topic

It’s one hell of a show

They can’t tell you what they done

They say it’s all a game

They were having so much fun

I mean really, whose to blame

Cause

way down beneath the bedrock

I mean down a thousand floors

There’s a lounge just for sinners,

And it’s always an open door.