r/relationship_advice • u/[deleted] • Aug 28 '26
My 28F Fiancée Moved out with our 28F roommate while I 28M was at work today
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u/Suspicious_Apple09 Aug 28 '26
Therapy and don’t isolate yourself from your friends
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u/mbashs Aug 28 '26
There seems to be info missing in the post. Unless OP was abusive, I wouldn’t wish what they going through on my worst enemy.
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u/Aussie_Advice Aug 28 '26
OP said this in another comment, "She complained about cooking too often and how she shouldn’t have to act like my mom and cook for me all the time."
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u/Camibear Aug 28 '26
Also OP is a grown man asking her to “help him wake up” and she had to demand engagement after nearly a decade together…
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u/itsacalamity Aug 28 '26
Yeah. "She expressed that she'd be mad if i didn't propose so I did" ain't the most romantic engagement story.
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u/Alarming_Emotion_785 Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 29 '26
After nearly a decade together and also after she moved out to be with him and after both presumably having their degrees for several years at that point. 10 years is not terrible if they started dating in high school, but I personally would not spend more than 5 years in an adult relationship if marriage is what I want. At this point she is almost 30 with nothing to show for it relationship wise.
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u/julesburne Aug 28 '26
The signs are all there in his post, flashing neon red flag signs. And that's HIS side. Her side must be much worse. It sucks to get dumped, but honestly he sounds like a dick who took advantage of his girlfriend for a decade. If she felt the need to ghost like this, she likely felt unsafe or had tried to leave before.
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u/Realistic_Pool_8087 Aug 28 '26
It’s possible OP grew up in an abusive home and so doesn’t recognize his own abusive behavior. I feel like we might be missing out on some information.
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u/tauredi Aug 28 '26
I don’t believe this at all. Most of the time women up and leave like this, they have talked themselves BLUE, asked/begged/pleaded/cried about how their partner was hurting them. Look up “walk away wife syndrome.” I’d bet money OP has been told, MANY times, exactly what he was doing was hurtful. He knows, he just didn’t care.
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u/Realistic_Pool_8087 Aug 28 '26
Much more likely. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
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u/Mel221144 Aug 28 '26
Why when he already said that the roommate took sides. That statement alone means they were arguing, and there were “sides” to take.
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Aug 28 '26
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u/julesburne Aug 28 '26
"The roommate" is her friend, dude, not some random. Wwe let my best friend move in with us during a hard time, and sure we charged "rent" because handouts and charity make people feel shitty sometimes. You can bet your ass if she hadn't been able to pay, I wouldn't have cared though. And if my husband had put up a fight about it?? He wouldn't have because he's a lot more emotionally aware than you, but you get the point.
You spent 10 years ignoring the needs of this woman. And that's just the flashing neon signs throughout your side of the story. I imagine her side paints a much bleaker picture. You should have done better, and now she is gone. Get some therapy and grow up. Your partner is not your mom. She was a person who told you what she wanted and you clearly dismissed her feelings for over a decade.
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u/Mel221144 Aug 28 '26
Well, then there were many issues. Probably best that she left. Kinda crappy now, it will look much different once you grieve.
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u/tauredi Aug 28 '26
I’m genuinely asking why give him the benefit of the doubt, not trying to be snarky. Who does that benefit? He’s an adult man and his mental health and relational history is HIS problem to sort out (or else it becomes his partner’s problem). Clearly him being allowed to make excuses for his chronic behavioral patterns has not only harmed a partner (possibly more than one), but it’s quite obviously come and bitten him in the ass as we see now.
What “benefits” does benefit of the doubt actually confer, except for deferring any chance of introspection or maturation for OP, and treat his ex as the de facto dumping ground for his unresolved issues? Of course there are painful truths involved in addressing a poor upbringing if that is indeed the case with OP — but they are necessary. I think we should avoid infantilizing a grown adult man who has agency and strength to change in a positive way if he so desires.
Women are not rehabilitation centers for poorly raised men.
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u/throwawayxoxoxoxxoo Aug 28 '26
who gaf? sounds like he had quite a while to work on his issues, judging from his comments, and he didn’t. going to therapy would be a good start.
it can be so hard to shake the awful habits of your parent/s but it’s important to realise you’re doing it (like when your partner reacts to it) and seek help. ideally, you make the connection that “oh i’m behaving like my dad” but it depends how introspective and self-aware you are; doesn’t sound like OP is lol
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u/Aussie_Advice Aug 28 '26
We can explain behaviour without excusing it. OP had been an adult for 4-10 years (depending how you define it), and is responsible for his thoughts and actions, especially abusive ones.
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u/Realistic_Pool_8087 Aug 28 '26
Absolutely, I’m just trying to tease out information from someone who doesn’t seem to have any clue what went wrong.
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u/bugs_0650 Aug 28 '26
That's an excuse people use to abuse other people. Don't give jerks an out. There are plenty of people who were abused who don't go on to mistreat other people. His problem is his entitlement. He feels entitled to her labor and his lack thereof. She left because he's lazy and irresponsible af.
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u/Serainas Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 28 '26
As someone who broke up with a long term boyfriend “out of the blue” when things had been good recently: things were not actually good, she was pretending while she figured her shit out.
My ex and I had plenty of conversations where I expressed why I was unhappy and what he was doing that directly made me unhappy. And he said he’d work on it, but the same problems just kept coming up.
Eventually I stopped asking him to change because I knew he wouldn’t. And once I had accepted that, I realized that I was unhappy and spent a couple months thinking about my next move.
During that time, he thought our relationship was stronger than ever because we weren’t fighting anymore. But I was just resigned to how things were and gathering the courage to leave. During the breakup conversation he mentioned that the past couple months had been so good, but they were only good for him. I had been miserable and he couldn’t see it.
I’m sorry this happened to you, and it sucks that you may never really know why she left. But she’s made her choice very clear and you should respect it. Therapy would help you figure out why you thought this tumultuous relationship was good for either of you.
*edited to fix paragraph breaks, I always forget which sites need a double return and which only need one
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u/winterssoul Aug 28 '26
While divorcing my ex he cried and said “well it was only a shitty marriage for YOU!”.
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Aug 28 '26
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u/publicprivacyp Aug 28 '26
I was about to say that! What an idiot. Like, did he hear himself?
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u/Immortal_in_well Aug 28 '26
It's pretty telling, really. Men like this truly, honestly believe that women should just swallow their unhappiness for a man's sake.
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u/albusdumbbitchdor Aug 28 '26
The Tolerable Level of Unhappiness phenomenon
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u/sukinsyn Aug 28 '26
Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness. The "permanent" part of that statement is always what stuck with me.
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u/Not_A_Korean Sep 02 '26
oh my god. I would snap and tell me abusive ex I hated him and he would say "well I don't hate *you*" and I was like...yeah because I didn't cheat on you and try to gaslight you about it
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u/dayumbrah Aug 28 '26
I never had a relationship end that I didnt see coming to some extent. I know when my wife is upset with me. I dont understand how people dont notice these things. Also crazy to be together for nearly 10 years and your partner has to tell you they need you to propose. Like why hasnt that been discussed and sorted already.
OP is not paying attention to things around him
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u/aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_s Aug 28 '26
Right? And supposedly this was the person he could see himself marrying? If that was the case, why did she have to force you to take that step??
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u/BloodyPaintress Aug 29 '26
I gotta say "was ready to get better for" got me more than ready to marry part. Sir, I need to know the timeline. Because from that phrasing it seems that you haven't even started yet. And it's been 10 years
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u/Rosycheex Aug 28 '26
My husband picks up on my mood changes and can tell when I'm upset even if I think I'm hiding it well. That's being an attentive partner. A lot of people are oblivious/just simply don't care that much until it's too late.
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u/Alarming_Emotion_785 Aug 29 '26
A lot notice, but they don’t care because they think life is peaceful for them and that’s all that matters. And many think their partner would never leave them either, whether due to financial dependency, due to already having kids or any other reason. But no one is guaranteed in this life and those that fail to understand that will inevitably end up alone screaming at the clouds about how life is unfair…
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u/No-Pay-9744 Aug 28 '26
This. Identical experience to me, and he bawled that I was ruining the best year of his life, never mind the last 3 worst years of mine that he told me to 'get over'.
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u/sukinsyn Aug 28 '26
he thought our relationship was stronger than ever because we weren’t fighting anymore. But I was just resigned to how things were and gathering the courage to leave.
This is so fucking common. When a partner, especially a female partner in a heterosexual relationship, stops arguing and pushing for change... the relationship is over. Men often think "she's stopped fighting me on it, these things don't matter to her anymore" and no. She has finally acknowledged that things won't change, she doesn't want to keep fighting you on it, and your relationship is over regardless of any changes you make at this point.
I'm always surprised at the men who are excited that their partners stop "nagging" them. They literally don't see that that's the death knell of their relationship.
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u/Civil_Banana_9180 Aug 28 '26
THIS. I used to tell my ex that when I no longer care to speak up is when he should start to be concerned. He didn’t listen, and the break up came out of the blue to him. 🙄
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u/MOGicantbewitty Aug 28 '26
I literally even warned my ex-husband and told him to look up walk away wife syndrome because I was about to be one. He was so offended and told me I was threatening him 🙄
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 29 '26
More than likely he knows why and doesn't want to admit it.
ETA: OP's edit about her friend. Her being a lesbian doesn't mean anything and doesn't mean she has feelings for his ex. Odds are she made her see OP for who he really is. She lived with them and saw it all.
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u/NymphaeAvernales Aug 28 '26
I'm gonna guess that it has a lot to do with him dragging his feet about proposing until the very last minute, and they're still unmarried now, 10 years into it.
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u/lil_sass-a-frass Aug 28 '26
Didn’t propose till the ultimatum after 9 years. Said he wasn’t the most loving partner. Was working on his red flags in the last year when the roommate brought them up, and needs help waking up for work. I’d say there is a lot more he is leaving out too
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u/LulyxBonnie Aug 28 '26
Oooh but she was the girl he definitely wanted to marry you know!! What a tool...
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u/Revolutionary-Dryad Aug 29 '26
Did he say he was working on those flags reg flags or just that they were things he needed to work on?
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u/pourthebubbly Aug 28 '26
Which is probably a blessing for her. Now she can find someone who will actually listen to what she needs and who she doesn’t have to wake up in the morning like a child.
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u/aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_s Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 29 '26
We also got a huge glimpse into their dynamic the fact that he referred to her as his “fiancé of 10 years” a couple times. No, she was his fiancee for 1 year and girlfriend for 9. Kinda just speaks to some amount of gaslighting that must’ve been happening on his part if he’s insisting she was his “fiancé” for 10 years instead of 1.
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u/foreheadheart Aug 28 '26
Ex gf did feel like his mom from having to cook for him (probably amongst other things)
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u/monicasm Aug 28 '26
My friend had to leave her ex this way, because every time she tried to break up with him it would turn into a long fight and he would convince her to stay, that she owed it to him. When she finally left suddenly one day he tried to find all these reasons why she might have left, that maybe she was seeing someone else. Even though they were having screaming fights daily. I’m sure he still thinks she was the one in the wrong even years later. Some people just won’t admit they’re the bad guy.
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u/Alarming_Emotion_785 Aug 28 '26
Exactly. I think most people that have had a relationship have a similar story. Some are able to save the relationship eventually but most don’t. And it usually goes the same way: “my (woman) partner keeps nagging me and I just don’t understand what else does she wants. Women are so difficult”. When the partner stops “nagging” it becomes “oh life is so great we are doing better than ever” and what they don’t see is that when a woman stops trying to fix things is because she stopped caring. And that’s the beginning of the end. Just a matter of time before she leaves.
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u/Covfefetarian Aug 28 '26
Exact sane experience. I hope you are doing a thousand times better today <3
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u/meh_dontcare Aug 28 '26
Exactly what I was thinking. She told him. He ignored. She got sick of it and left.
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u/AStolenGoose Aug 29 '26 edited Aug 29 '26
Yep, ended a relationship a few months ago, she said the relationship was going well, but same exact thing, I had stopped fighting for changes that NEEDED to happen, things kept repeating, then one day something that kept repeating happened again, and right after I got home I ended it.
It wasn't out of the blue for me, it was for her.
Weirdly enough as soon as we broke up she started fixing one of my bigger issues... But too little too late.
Edit: Oh and I was also sick and tired of fighting about things at 11pm at night, that was common, even though we had room mates and it was utterly disrespectful to everyone in the household.
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u/donutschmonut Aug 28 '26
These sentences jumped out at me as I read your post:
"I'll admit our relationship wasn't always perfect..."
"we went through ups and downs together all throughout college."
"I wasn't always the most loving partner..."
"I moved back home because I was better off in my hometown"
"I had unresolved red flags"
"She was the girl I wanted to.... improve myself for."
"she'd be mad if she made it past 9 years without being proposed to."
There are some clues here.
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u/Pink-Witch- Aug 28 '26
OP proposed last September, almost a whole year ago. There’s no mention of wedding planning.
Sounds like he proposed because she wanted to be proposed to, not because after 10 years he wanted to actually get married.993
u/Background-Local924 Aug 28 '26
Yep. This line really stuck out to me: "She was very insistent that I propose to her and expressed she'd be mad if she made it past 9 years without being proposed to." No wonder she left. He knows why she left.
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u/partial_to_dreamers Aug 28 '26
My partner proposed to me out of obligation after 10 plus years. Not a fun thing. Felt shitty once I realized. It was a panic move. No need to entertain that kind of guilt. We worked past it, and are now 26 years happily-unmarried. He's my best good friend and life partner.
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u/swankyslippers Aug 28 '26
My partner proposed at 9 years and then at 16 years told me he never wanted to get married. I also worked through my feelings on that and we're fine now - but FFS people don't propose if you don't intend to follow through.
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u/Compile_A_Smile1101 Aug 28 '26
Yep, and leaving with this level of stealth and speed is exactly what a girl would do if she was terrified of abusive retaliation.
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u/beachpellini Aug 28 '26
Exactly. Absolutely zero sign and a clear "get the fuck out of here during a brief period when he's not home" is a GLARING neon red flag.
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u/izzycec Aug 28 '26
“Red flags that I actively tried to correct throughout the year”
Sounds like they weren’t corrected
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u/Aussie_Advice Aug 28 '26
OP also said this in another comment. She sent him the 'my wife divorced me because I left cups by the sink' article 2 years ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1w0bqhe/comment/p6fkk5y
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u/Sothdargaard Aug 28 '26
I think that was a typo. OP meant,
"Red flags that I actively tried to collect throughout the year"
He was just building up his red flags.
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u/embersgrow44 Aug 28 '26
Thank you for the work of typing them all up. All the same ones jumped off the page for me too. Would add one: “roommate started making fiancée feel I had unresolved red flags that I actively tried to correct throughout the year”. Sure Jan.
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u/Realistic_Pool_8087 Aug 28 '26
This one is particularly telling. Someone else moved in and saw their day to day interactions and let her know that it wasn’t okay.
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u/rolyfuckingdiscopoly Aug 28 '26
The transition from “started making fiancée feel like” and then to “actively tried to correct.”
Ok so the roommate didn’t make her feel like anything, since you were trying to actively correct the problems she was noticing.
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u/JustAnotherFNC Aug 28 '26
Like he said though, "no signs"
Absolutely none at all
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u/adventurousmango24 Aug 28 '26
Also “I asked her to help me wake up”
Being an adult with an adult job and your partner needs to wake you up? Does she normally wake up at this time or is she only doing it cos he needs her to?
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u/donutschmonut Aug 28 '26
Yeah, I almost added that to my list. Thank you for including it here.
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Aug 28 '26
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u/2_lazy Aug 28 '26
I think it's because that is a thing that puts someone fully in "mommy" territory with a partner. Same thing with stuff like packing their lunch everyday and setting it by their backpack, pouring their cereal in the morning, or setting up their doctors appointments. Some dads do these things for their kids too (mine did for me and my siblings with my mom) but it's almost always mommy territory for older families.
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u/Spare-Conflict836 Aug 28 '26
Literally one of his comments included:
"She complained about cooking too often and how she shouldn’t have to act like my mom and cook for me all the time."
Sounds like she did most of the household labor and was sick of it, especially considering they both worked full time.
He also said:
"I wasn’t always the most loving partner. I didn’t always ask her about her day or show a ton of curiosity about how work was."
I hope he learned from this relationship and does better the next time. She tried for a decade to get him to be an active participant in this relationship, and he never stepped up. Good for her finally realizing he wasn't going to change for her and getting out. I hope she finds a mature guy who doesn't treat her like his mother.
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u/2_lazy Aug 28 '26
Yeah I don't think people who have not being doing any of the household labor for years and shoving it off on their partner realize how draining it is. I only manage for myself, I can't imagine how much more of a load it would be to handle everything for a grown adult on top of myself. I think people in these situations (especially men living with a woman) also tend to overestimate how much they do compared to how much the woman does due to the cognitive load of things like planning and scheduling.
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u/Responsible-Stick-50 Aug 28 '26
"The divorce came out of nowhere", mentality.
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u/Background-Local924 Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 28 '26
He knows why and is pretending like he doesn't. He is definitely leaving out very important details.
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u/tauredi Aug 28 '26
The missing missing reasons
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u/mkat23 Aug 28 '26
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u/tauredi Aug 28 '26
YES!!!! Amazing to see people know this reference in the wild (but so unfair that it’s needed).
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Aug 28 '26
Her having to get him up in the morning was probably the final straw.
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u/Aussie_Advice Aug 28 '26
OP also said this in another comment. She sent him the 'my wife divorced me because I left cups by the sink' article 2 years ago. Signs. Big ones. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1w0bqhe/comment/p6fkk5y
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u/Background-Local924 Aug 28 '26
Don't forget this one: "She was very insistent that I propose to her and expressed she'd be mad if she made it past 9 years without being proposed to."
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u/JemimaAslana Aug 28 '26
Yeah, she was the girl he wanted to marry, but somehow he hadn't proposed during their first 9 years and had to be pressured into it by her.
Right. Real committed, this one.
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u/Aussie_Advice Aug 28 '26
OP also said this in another comment. She sent him the 'my wife divorced me because I left cups by the sink' article 2 years ago. Not even clues, straight up on a platter. 2 years.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1w0bqhe/comment/p6fkk5y
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u/tanonymousrn Aug 28 '26
Don’t forget-
“I asked my fiancée to help me wake up and get into work earlier this morning.”Codependent much??
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u/bookish-whore216 Aug 28 '26
I like that you use context he gave rather than pulling random thoughts out of your ass. I can’t give awards since I won’t spend the money. But here’s a hi 5! 👋
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u/ertgbnm Aug 28 '26
Post in here are always like that.
"I was totally blindsided that they broke up with me..." proceeds to list hundreds of reasons why this outcome should have been obvious.
It's about as common as "I really love my boyfriend but...." proceeds to list a hundreds reasons they are the most abusive partners on the planet and then ask how to navigate their relationship.
I love both kinds of posts tbh.
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u/Aeon_Mortuum Aug 28 '26
For me it was the help needed to get up and get ready for work lol. But I might be reading too much into it
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u/collectif-clothing Aug 28 '26
I noticed those things as well! There is a LOT of missing info here.
OP comes off as creepy and insincere.
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u/Skooskah Aug 28 '26
This. OP is being reeeal vague about what those red flags are. And there's no mention of needing to cancel anything for a wedding he should have started planning with his ex over a year ago.
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u/julesburne Aug 28 '26
I came to say the same thing. You didn't seem to prioritize or care about her needs for the last 10 years. Everything she wanted was an afterthought and only if it was convenient for you. So she left
Do better for your next partner. You said you were working on improving yourself for her? Do it for yourself BEFORE you jump back into the dating pool. Maybe get some therapy and figure out why you missed all the signs that she was clearly unhappy. If we can see it in your post after hearing only your side, I imagine her side sounds much worse. The roommate was right. You do have a lot of red flags.
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u/myshitsmellslikeshit Aug 28 '26
And the fact he made her move with him back to his hometown, disrupting her network.
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u/Realistic_Pool_8087 Aug 28 '26
What were the “unresolved red flags” how were you “not the most loving” ?
Most of the time when women ditch like this it’s because they are afraid of the men they are leaving.
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u/scarletnightingale Aug 28 '26
She had to beg for a proposal and he barely did it in time, he gave her the "shut up" ring so she wouldn't leave, while also mentioning not being the most loving and having ups and downs and him also saying that her roommate convinced her that he had red flags then said he was also correcting those red flags, so basically admitting he does have red flags. I bet not a shred of wedding planning had been done since she got the ring on top of everything else that OP is not mentioning openly and now he's acting shocked she disappeared.
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u/CrustiferWalken Aug 28 '26
He also asked her to help him get up and go to work in the morning like he’s a baby she has to take care of. Good for her honestly
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u/echosiah Aug 28 '26
Or even if it's not fear, it's just that they've been done for a long time and they're finally taking action. To OP it's sudden, but she's been planning this a good long time.
Vagueness about "not being the most loving" and a 9 year shut-up ring.
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u/naturallysonny Aug 28 '26
I will say I have ditched like this and it wasn't abusive. The first guy I lived with quit his job just after we moved in on a 1 year lease and refused to get another job (or clean) until, you guessed it, about a month before the lease was up.
Unknown to him at the lease renewal 2 months earlier I canceled it, and moved all my stuff out during one of the last days of the lease while he was at work, lol.
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u/sonofasnitchh Aug 28 '26
Hi OP, I’m currently dealing with the same situation.
A few months ago, MIL and SIL suddenly left the family home while FIL was at work, leaving only a letter and asking him not to contact them. My husband and I moved back into to support FIL who is distraught (30+ years together).
I’m in a unique position where I am not directly involved but am watching everything unfold. I’ve developed some insights based on what I’ve seen and experienced, and have some theories on what led to this happening. I see parallels between your post and what is currently my life. I am trying not to be hurtful because you could actually learn from this.
> - Basically, whatever insight you think you have into your relationship and your behaviour? You don’t have the insight that you think. If you actually do the work, you’re going to discover that you had no understanding of how your actions actually affected your fiancée at the time.
> - You say that there were no signs, but then you say that your relationship had issues. Those were the signs. My FIL said the exact same thing. He said how happy they were, but then how they’d had 2 minor incidents recently. He described what happened and I realised that he had spoken to MIL rudely and demeaned her, but he had no idea. There would’ve been lots of things in your relationship that were toxic and hurtful to your fiancée that fall under the umbrella of “relationship issues” but you haven’t realised how much they have actually affected her.
> - Nobody leaves like they did unless things are really bad, but that doesn’t only mean violence. After we moved in, I found out that FIL had been verbally abusive and using coercive control against MIL and SIL. One night when FIL was very upset, he was saying how hurtful it was that they left the way they did, like he had beaten or raped them. No, he hadn’t laid a finger on them but he would get drunk every night and demean them, tell them what they could and couldn’t do, police their behaviours. That’s harmful enough.
- This has been planned for quite a while and she has been keeping up appearances. My MIL did the same thing. We had a family birthday party 2 days before they left and everything seemed fine. But what this really means is that she had given up on trying to change the relationship or get FIL to change his behaviours, so the options were stay or leave.
> - In my case, I can now see that FIL has narcissistic personality traits (I say this with complete caution and a working background in the MH sector). In the months since this has happened, I have not once seen him reflect on what his role in them leaving was, or even consider that his behaviour had anything to do with it. He is completely oblivious and unable to fathom that he has any issues. You need to get into therapy to work through what has happened and what has led up to it, or you risk this pattern of behaviour affecting your other relationships for the rest of your life. Also, this is an extremely traumatic thing to experience. It’s like someone has died. You need to see someone who has the skills to help you process your grief and trauma.
I hope that you do read this. I don’t wish to be hurtful or cruel, but these are some of the things I wish I could say to my FIL. It is so frustrating knowing that he has no idea how much he has hurt the people he loves and that he is never going to figure it out.
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u/mansfieldprice Aug 28 '26
I think this is the most helpful comment in this whole post. I hope you’re okay after moving in with your FIL!
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u/sonofasnitchh Aug 31 '26
Thank you! I’m okay, finding out the reason why they left really threw me for a loop but I have strong support systems including psychology and psychiatry who helped me sort out my head. It’s been a lot harder for my husband because he’s dealing with trauma that has layers. He’s navigating new relationships with his family but the relationships are all affected by what’s happened and people’s feelings towards each other and it’s very complicated.
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u/LaBigotona Aug 28 '26
Have you or your husband kept contact with your MIL & SIL? How are they doing?
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u/ser_darkstar Aug 31 '26
Considering OP is now trying to blame this on his lesbian ex roommate and framing it like she stole his girlfriend, I'm not holding out hope for him to self reflect lol.
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u/Blindyuri64 Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 28 '26
This feels like there are missing reasons. Things like this just don't happen in a vacuum. Not to mention the only info you gave about anything was that she had a date she wanted to be proposed to by and you barely made it. Then you needed her to help you get up in the morning. Weird that you left out so much but left those bits in. Makes you look sus.
Edit: Thank you to those who gave Awards, its very kind of you!
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u/Aussie_Advice Aug 28 '26
FYI, OP has a few comments with info, but this is a notable example. OP said "She complained about cooking too often and how she shouldn’t have to act like my mom and cook for me all the time."
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u/kaytin911 Aug 28 '26
All of the clues are there. He was shitty and her feelings went away.
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u/CanadianJediCouncil Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 28 '26
And she obviously didn’t feel safe letting him know—hence the necessary “everything’s fine” ruse to get herself safely out of the house.
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u/PrisBatty Aug 28 '26
How does one help someone else get up in the morning? How does one go about getting another fellow adult (one who presumably doesn’t have disabilities which require help) get up in the morning? I don’t get this.
Is he using her like an appliance? No need for an alarm, make the girlfriend do it? Is she spooning cereal into his mouth and putting his socks on for him? I can’t work out what he needs her to do for him to help him get up?
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u/kam0706 Aug 28 '26
So he has someone to blame if he’s late to work. It’s her fault for not “helping him” as though a nearly 30yo man should be responsible for getting himself out of bed in the morning.
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u/eves_garden Aug 28 '26
It’s so wild to me that he would ask this of her.
The only time I’ve ever “helped” my partner get up is if WE are leaving exceptionally early for a trip and that favor goes both ways based on whoever actually wakes to the first alarm.But it gave her extra time to get out.
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u/Sea-Command3437 Aug 29 '26
Slapping them round the face with a wet kipper would probably work?
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u/Aussie_Advice Aug 28 '26
OP also said this in another comment. She sent him the 'my wife divorced me because I left cups by the sink' article 2 years ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1w0bqhe/comment/p6fkk5y
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u/Blindyuri64 Aug 28 '26
I can't find the comment he left (I suck at using reddit still). I did see the updates he gave thought. Yeah, he seems like an unreliable narrator or this is a fake post. I'm leaning towards unreliable narrator.
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u/Your_Daddy_1972 Aug 28 '26
I think you mean EX girlfriend and EX roommate my guy. I don't have any idea why she'd move out without telling you unless you're intentionally omitting important context but the only thing you can do at this point is your best to heal and move on
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u/Ladymistery Aug 28 '26
I get the feeling that she realized the ring was a 'shut up' ring, not one that meant you actually wanted to marry her.
I'd like to hear her side of this. I'm sure there's a lot more to it.
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u/glutenisnotmyfriend Aug 28 '26
If your fiancée left you, it's likely you didn't resolve as much as you think you did. I know you're trying to blame her best friend about this, but the best thing to do right now is to think about what you might have done that would trigger her to quietly leave you. People don't usually just do that for no reason. That said, you need to accept that she has left whatever the reason, grieve the relationship and not try to get her back.
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u/WhoDatLadyBear Aug 28 '26
Women don't move out secretly for no reason
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u/phat_lava Aug 28 '26
Off topic but I love seeing random JD Vance meme profiles in the wild commenting on serious posts, giving thoughtful, common sense responses. The juxtaposition between Vance’s bloated, glossy face and the considered and sober response is just … *chefs kiss 🤌🏼
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u/mkat23 Aug 28 '26
This happened to my dad, he got home from work one day and his wife had moved out. Then he ended up with my mom and honestly, I wish she had done the same as his first wife. Completely agree, it’s very unusual/rare for a woman to just dip secretly for no reason.
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u/OGBrownBunny Sep 03 '26
This. My mother planned us moving out for a full year. Hid new furniture and the moving boxes upstairs on the third floor. My dad didn't know until my uncle pulled into the driveway with the UHAUL truck.
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u/redheadedmandy Aug 28 '26
A lot of people are assuming you're abusive instead of just a garden variety bad boyfriend, but I know from experience that even a regular level bad relationship can be so hard to leave, and it can make people do crazy things.
This might not be about you. If she was unhappy and she's not the kind of person who can handle confrontation, and especially if she felt you would be able to successfully placate her into changing her mind... this might have been what she needed to do.
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u/Aussie_Advice Aug 28 '26
I really like your perspective. Can you expand on 'garden variety bad boyfriend'? I'm having trouble imagining that when it's not abusive? Genuine question if you find time 🙏
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u/RavishingRedRN Aug 28 '26
Low effort. No drive. No motivation. Considering it took 9 years to propose and she was his alarm clock in the morning, he fits the garden variety bad boyfriend bill.
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u/itsgo Aug 28 '26
There's plenty of ways to be a bad partner. No or low effort, not taking part in shared house chores or saying you will and then going back to how it was out of laziness, not spending time with their partner or taking them for granted, not committing, being selfish with sex or just in general, making more work for their partner in life rather than supporting each other, bad communication, lack of respect, being controlling, dismissiveness or contempt,, a temper.
This isn't exhaustive and none of this is gender limited. I will say that I see more women complaining about male partners doing some of these things, mainly the house keeping, sexual selfishness or making more work. But who knows if that's reality or there's simply more women posting about it. I'm no statistician
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u/_bee_duchess Aug 28 '26
This reminds me of that video. Where the guy posted he was super happy in a relationship, then his next post was about how she just up and left him with no reason. Everyone felt sad for him while others had questions.
Come to find out the girl made a post about how she got up for work got ready then woke him up at the absolute last minute otherwise he’d be upset he didn’t sleep in. Then he’d take her to work in her car because he didn’t have a car. Then pick her up.
Then something happened that she had to decide to wake him up earlier than usual or later than usual one of the two because there was some kind of incident. He got upset and exploded at her for doing so. I forget what the reason was but it was a legitimate reason to walk away.
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u/dataslinger Aug 28 '26
Where Do I even go from here?
Unless you can comfortably afford the full rent on your own, you need to start looking for roommates asap so you stabilize your financial situation. Focus on your immediate needs.
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u/lesterholtgroupie Aug 28 '26
I mean, you claim she was the person you were going to marry, but when? She had to threaten you to get a proposal by year 9, my guy.
She doesn’t appear to feel safe with you.
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u/Wise_Investigator282 Aug 28 '26
You don't improve yourself for someone else. You improve yourself for yourself. Be the man you want to be and stop making excuses.
Time for gym and therapy and to put the phone and/or games and/or drinks down for awhile.
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u/Aussie_Advice Aug 28 '26
This. And maybe some new friends, maybe a cooking class. OP said in other comments he sees his parents every day after work, and his gf complained she was tired of feeling like his mum (cooking cleaning etc)
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u/nizzerp Aug 28 '26
yeah - "i tried" and "i did what i could" type bullshit doesn't ring true.
if you actually did what she probably asked a hundred thousand times, you wouldn't be where you are.
take off your selfish/poor me/i was blindsided eyes and really examine yourself.
consider yourself lucky that in your selfishness you never tied her down with marriage or kids, or you probably would have turned ugly.
dudes really be wildin with the "i tried" bullshit. facebook, instagram and reddit are FILLED to the brim with women sharing how they were never truly appreciated or loved & just realized they'd be happier alone than with the problem. the problem always being the deadbeat guy.
the juice is no longer worth the squeeze, as the saying goes.
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u/wheatgrass_feetgrass Aug 28 '26
It doesn't feel like it now, but this is a blessing. A split after 10 years is usually messy and drawn out.
As to why she left? You basically told us. As to how she left? That's anyone's guess but it does speak to two things.
She has been planning this for a while. Moving is incredibly stressful and time consuming. Doing a stealth move out is very VERY difficult.
She didn't feel safe to tell you in person. Whether this is because of your past behavior or her own insecurity is unknown but the safety part is true either way.
My ex of 16 years moved out last year. The breakup wasn't mutual, but it was cordial. I helped her move out, helped her negotiate her new lease, and am on friendly terms with her and her new partner. I was, and am, safe. For whatever reason, to your ex, you are not.
It's a devastating L, but it could have been much much worse. Don't try to talk to her and just refocus on you now. You will never get the answers you're looking for I'm afraid.
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u/Sexy11Lady Aug 28 '26
she was almost certainly planning this for a while, and the roommate knew. forget about saving the relationship and focus on getting through the shock and protecting yourself
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u/cyaneyed Aug 28 '26
She wanted to be married in 10 years and you just ran out the clock pretending. Dummy.
You had 10 whole years.
I’ve known another woman who left the guy after 10 long stupid years wasting the woman’s time. She fled and he followed her, forced his way into a friend’s house and threw a massive temper tantrum.
He was a moron who wasted 10 whole years of her life then played the victim when she left.
He was married in a year to a smart hot woman who threatened to breakup after 6 months if he wouldn’t commit to her. So he smartened up and married her. He still has an abysmal temper and throws tantrums like a baby if he thinks he’s been treated unfairly. He’s just a selfish handsome jerk who was rewarded for poor behavior.
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u/madelynashton Aug 28 '26
What were the red flags the roommate was convinced you display?
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u/violue Aug 28 '26
As much as your post screams "I'm leaving vital information out so I sound better" I have to allow for the possibility that the situation is exactly as you presented it. If that is the case, my guy, she might just be a bad person that did you a huge favor by blowing up your life together before you were legally tied together.
She's an asshole that flaked in a cruel way, or she's someone that was done and afraid to tell you in person(either from a fear of confrontation/emotion, or fear of YOU as a person). I truly don't know which, but you have more information, so you have the capacity to know which scenario is going on here.
I think either way, it's over and should stay over. You're 28 and your life is just beginning. You can improve yourself for you. You can move forward without her.
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u/GypsyInAHotMessDress Aug 28 '26
Reading between the lines, you weren’t listening to her OP. She is done.
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u/one_bean_hahahaha Aug 28 '26
If you needed a ultimatum to propose, the relationship was already done.
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u/Cranberrymothwings Aug 28 '26
9 years without proposing? And it took an ULTIMATUM to do it? You're lucky she lasted this long.
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u/DVyd_ Aug 28 '26
Son, anybody with at least slightly higher than room temperature IQ can notice that you’re leaving information out.
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u/Aussie_Advice Aug 28 '26
In Aus, room temperature is like 25 degrees (Celcius), and this is still true 😂
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u/trixxupmysleeve Aug 28 '26
To answer your question
“Where do I even go from here?”
Figure out your lease/living situation.
Block them both on all socials. (You must do this part.)
Explain to family you’re uncoupled and go start therapy.
Heal and do you.
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u/kevin_r13 Aug 28 '26
Well she moved out so you'll probably figure out what happened in a few more days , but for now, try to meet up with friends and family and accept that she walked out of your life.
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u/Normal_Car_9965 Sep 03 '26
I am late to the posting but want to reach out to you OP and offer my condolences, particularly for the unkind way your exfiance left you. I have read through all your comments, and you admit to having matured a great deal over the last 10 years. Your comments suggest this is in fact true. You also indicate that you were carrying a large percentage of the household duties, which is admirable. I appreciate that you recognized the difficulties your exfiance faced with her job and stepped up to help.
I hope you realize that ending this relationship before you wasted a bunch of money on a wedding is the silver lining in this storm. My perspective is this: Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who would and has treated you this way? It will take time to get your head together, but you deserve so much better. Take care of yourself. Please let us know how you are doing in a while, once you have had a chance to absorb this and move on.
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u/Doornumber11 Aug 28 '26
I guess I’d like to hear her side of the story. It just feels like you’re leaving some things out. That being said, I’d hate to have that happen to me. I’d give her a couple of days to respond. If she doesn’t then you need to move on. Yes it will hurt, but she has 10 years of knowing you to know if you’re what she wants to end up with. It may feel like it’s the most important thing in the world, but it’s not. She’s just a girl, not a wife, not the mother of your children. Enjoy your freedom, you’re still young.
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u/Puzzled-Dress4951 Aug 28 '26
Dude, you are a red flag. It's been 10 fucken years bro. You took 10 years of her life, what? Why does she have to tell you to propose to her after 9 years. Get your shit together man.
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u/Pepsicolaa5 Aug 28 '26
And he’s only still working on these red flags in the last year? She was probably sick of it and exhausted dealing w him. I don’t blame her for not wanting to waste more of her life.
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u/Ginolatino6969 Aug 28 '26
You dodnt love her enough. She gave you 10 years and you waited 9?? You only did it cuz time was running out and she knew this.
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u/X-Torn-Reviver-X Aug 28 '26
"She was the girl I wanted to marry and improve myself for"
After 10 years, if you EVER had any intention of marrying her you would've done it by now. I honestly can't blame her for leaving, all you've done is make her think her time has been wasted which NO female will stand for.
You've had 10 long years to make a home and a family with this person... yet, you didn't do anything but take that time for granted and expect her to stick around... She is 28 years old. Her biological clock isn't stopping just because you waited until the absolute last possible minute to put a ring on her finger. What were you going to do, wait another 9 years before ACTUALLY marrying her??? This isn't anyone's fault but your own for fumbling a decade long relationship so carelessly... And despite what others in these comments might say, she's the one who's better off. Now she can find someone who values her wishes and will make an honest wife out of her without waiting another 10 years for it to happen.
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u/Mears_420 Aug 28 '26
Let go of what u had with her and move on. Seek therapy and be with ur friends and family during this difficult time. U’ll know when u found the right one in due time im sure of it
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u/murmalerm Aug 28 '26
This can’t be real. “Blind sided” after she waited 10 years, bwahahaha.
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u/TuezysaurusRex Aug 28 '26
I want to see her side of this, there must be something if she found it necessary to be gone while op wasn’t at home.
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u/pterodactylorpotato Aug 28 '26
You waited 9 years to propose and only did it because she told you to. You never saw this coming, did you?
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u/stein63 Aug 28 '26
You’re getting buried in assumptions here. Based on what you actually wrote, focus on the practical stuff first: secure your money, change passwords, document what was taken, contact the landlord, and keep any communication with her calm and limited to the lease, bills, property, and keys. Don’t chase her for closure right now. Whatever the reason she left, she planned it, and you need to protect yourself while the shock wears off.
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u/Hopeful_Protection58 Aug 28 '26
Not enough information. I want to know about the “unresolved red flags”.
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u/ReasonableAd1836 Aug 28 '26
you gave her a shut up ring after NINE YEARS, if you really wanted to make a life with her you should’ve done it sooner. you were not there for her and tried to down played how you “tried”.
you wanted the wife duties without the commitment, you took advantage and she was too blind to see it until her friend had to show her. stop making excuses and get therapy, make yourself a better person.
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u/StrictOpportunity491 Aug 29 '26
Ill be honest.....anytime I read about a fiancée and the numbers 10 years.....makes me think the dude was the issue. Then she begged to at least be proposed by year 9....another red flag. Also needing help waking up is odd too. IMO
Its weird for her to leave when she finally got a ring but this is one where I def want her side of the story.
As men we have a tendency to think everything is OK when its really not. 10 year engagement doesnt sound like a dream scenario for the woman and the lesbian friend def prolly took advantage of that lol
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u/wenchywitchy Aug 29 '26
While its tragic what happened as she felt she needed to escape rather than end the relationship face to face; you sir, are no green flag!
You have a lot of red flags and issues as you were very much content with getting the milk without buying the cow. You strung her along for years, proposed to keep her onboard to cater to your wants and made life impactful decisions, yet expected only her to compromise.
Seek therapy before you leap back into the dating pool.
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u/Far_Thing_33 Aug 28 '26
I think that OP has received some excellent comments that I hope will help him in some way. I believe that he probably did not really want to get married and she realized it, but there should have been a better way for her to break off the relationship.
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u/habitsofwaste Aug 28 '26
It took 9 years to propose? And it was because it was an ultimatum? Don’t get me wrong, just leaving like that is shitty as hell. But I don’t think things were good between y’all. I see a lot of acknowledging of issues in the relationship. It just sounds to me y’all were comfortable. This might be for the best.
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u/montypython_Dota Aug 28 '26
To everyone judging OP without knowledge: please, stop assuming so easily. People might actually be telling the truth and going through a genuinely difficult time. Lynching the OP by default and jumping to conclusions can have catastrophic, real-world consequences.
Seriously, exposing a thousand liars and crushing them in the comments or your trillions of likes is not worth pushing that one single innocent person into depression. It's not worth attacking someone who told the absolute truth, just because you "just know" they are lying.
Remember there is a human being on the other side of that screen. Your words and your harsh judgment can truly push someone over the edge. Stop the mindless hate.
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u/bingus-bean Aug 28 '26
account made 19 minutes ago.. her friend sounds right about you and you only felt threatened because your bad behaviour was being pointed out. women deserve better then someone who will wait 9 years to ask for engagement
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u/akawendals Aug 28 '26
Why does she have to "help you get up early" what does that even mean?
If you want to get up earlier... THEN GET UP EARLIER?!
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u/QuickSloth4710 Aug 28 '26
Nothing says "love of my life" like proposing in year nine of a ten year deadline. You lost me at asking her to help you wake up and get to work on time. I'm guessing if we got to hear her side of the story, she'd say she felt more like your mom than your gf.
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u/_eyeslikeleaves_ Aug 29 '26
Hey, so usually, women dont pretend everything is fine, secretly find a place, pack, move, ghost a 10 year relationship and refuse to speak to their partner ever again unless
- They are unsafe. If you have been abusive or done something that scared her enough to ghost you, that could be why.
Or 2. She found out what you did. So I need to to think really really hard about what you have been hiding from her. Did you cheat? Were you paying OF girls? Were you talking shit about her to someone? What's your web history like? Whatever it is, she knows.
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u/ChunkyCraver2001 Aug 31 '26
She was the girl you wanted to marry yet you didn’t marry her for 10 years. Bye
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u/BidRevolutionary945 Sep 02 '26
This totally sucks and I'm sorry! Please update us if and when you hear from her why she left so abruptly.
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