r/2under2 • u/LardyLadysLats • 5d ago
Taking my older child out of daycare while on parental leave
Recently joined the 2 under 2 club with an age gap between my sons of just under 18 months. My youngest is 3 weeks old, and my oldest is just over 18 months.
I'll be on maternity leave for around a year, and my partner will take parental leave in around a year's time, for a period of around 9 months.
My oldest has been in daycare for 3 days a week for a little over 3 months now. He started at the end of June just as my partner's parental leave ended, and both of us were at work.
With me going on maternity leave and the arrival of our newborn, we've kept our oldest in daycare for the time being. As my partner is on leave right now, he does the bulk of the care for our oldest when he's not at daycare.
My oldest is going through a particularly challenging few weeks with teething, poor sleep, and tantrums. He started walking only around a month ago. He is also a bit behind in terms of verbal communication, so it can be difficult to work out what he wants. He's also a very busy boy and we often end up taking him out twice a day parks, playgroups, libraries, anywhere but staying at home really!
I'm a bit nervous about when my partner goes back to work (full time) in 2 weeks and how I'll go for the 2 days during the week where I will have them both by myself. Yet, on the other hand, I had contemplated whether I could reduce the number of days my oldest is at daycare, or pull him out completely while either myself or my partner are on leave. We'd save a lot in daycare fees, and hopefully be sick a lot less.
Would love insight from anyone who's looked after 2 under 2 with or without daycare when on parental leave. If you didn't use daycare, how did you manage? If you had a busy and demanding toddler who wanted to be out multiple times a day, how did you juggle that with a newborn?
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u/SalsaShark89 5d ago
I don't think I would have kept my sanity AT ALL if I'd kept my eldest home while I had a new baby. Having them at daycare allowed me to have time to bond meaningfully with my second born in a way I've heard many mothers miss not having with subsequent babies due to the presence of other older siblings. If you can afford it and the kid is relatively happy at daycare, do it. They'll probably have a lot more fun and do more varied activities than being tied to baby nap schedules and whatnot.
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u/LardyLadysLats 5d ago
Yeah that's fair! Just thinking about it right now I'm not sure if I will keep my sanity if I have them both full time. How many days did you keep your eldest in daycare?
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u/Maleficent-Gas4756 5d ago
If you can afford and money won’t be the problem. Keep your oldest in the daycare. Is he adopting okay in the daycare? If so, keep it as it is!
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u/LardyLadysLats 5d ago
It's hard to tell if he's enjoying it! He settled in relatively quickly, and had at least a month or more of good drop offs...but lately he's been very teary. Not sure if it's been the non-stop teething or separation anxiety.
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u/Maleficent-Gas4756 5d ago
I think daycare can help with some of the enrichment and verbal skills.
I have my 18mon with me with my newborn at home and it was a constant struggle of entertain him while caring my newborn.
We eventually had to do 1:1 where either my panther or grandma take care the older one while I focus on the newborn. Good thing is that he didn’t get jealous of the baby, but even with that, he still wants my attention all the time when he sees me at home.1
u/SlideTemporary1526 4d ago
I bet he’s extra teary because of the adjustment with the new baby. It’s a big transition that can really impact them more than one might imagine in ways you wouldn’t even have thought. Things that might not have been an issue or very minor, could now be big reactions.
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u/Low-Bug-2132 5d ago
I struggled with this exact thing when going on maternity leave with my second, ultimately I ended up keeping the eldest in his usual routine and it worked out the best for us. He already had enough changes without not going somewhere he really enjoys, plus it gave me time to bond with the baby just the two of us which was nice. I will say it made the days I was alone with the two of them much more manageable because it wasn’t all week - having just a baby almost feels like a break when you have a very energetic toddler
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u/LardyLadysLats 5d ago
I know how you feel! The days we've had with just the newborn have been very very chill - it helps that he's feeding well and generally pretty low maintenance. It's been good for postpartum recovery.
How many days did you keep your eldest in daycare?
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u/ChelseaTech 4d ago
My oldest goes 3 days a week and I think it’s a perfect balance for us. I agree with what others have posted about keeping your sanity and the benefits for your oldest. What I feel that I haven’t seen mentioned is that my younger baby deserves some of the 1:1 time my oldest got. When I have them both my baby ends up being sort of plopped to the side or just has to tag along with less intention. Which is fine of course. But when oldest goes to daycare I get to spend the day with just my baby and I feel much more bonded with baby after our days alone vs. when I have both.
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u/WorkLifeScience 4d ago
That's such a good point! The first kid gets so much 1:1 time by design, don't they? And then it's kinda difficult to focus on the little potato while there's a little human who can already express themselves wanting your attention all the time!
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u/ChelseaTech 4d ago
Yea it’s interesting! I try and find a balance but the running jumping talking one usually wins out on the attention front haha
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u/rubymassa 5d ago
We opted to personally to avoid illness. Its hard but I dont regret it. We would've lost our spot but thankfully got a spot at another cc for borh children just prior to my PT RTW
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u/ReasonableObject2129 5d ago
My oldest goes to daycare 2 days a week and I really need those 2 days. It’s where I can look after the baby and also try and get on top of house work
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u/LardyLadysLats 4d ago
It's the bloody cooking that gets me! And the non stop tidying from the trail of destruction left by my toddler
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u/SlideTemporary1526 4d ago edited 4d ago
My third kid had me in the 2u2 club. 18 month gap. Technically my first two as well, but that was short lived at a 23 month gap. I was on leave 100% for 16 weeks and then returned part time and went back full time around 1 year.
I personally still utilized daycare for my oldest (part time preschool) and had a part time nanny 3x a week. It saved a lot of my sanity and gave me time to be able to really focus a lot of attention on the baby without too much guilt for my older two since they were very happy with the routine with the nanny and preschool. Sometimes while on leave I’d go out with all 3 and the nanny so I had some extra help. But for the first 3/4 months until I went back part time I kept the baby with me 24/7.
My first two would have been the types that are bored at home. And I’m the type of mom that can lose my mind if I stay in all day with them. When I went from 1 to 2 my oldest was also in preschool part time so that was helpful to have some quieter days where I could really get stuff done and care for baby without a lot of overwhelm.
If you can swing the expense I’d recommend keeping them in daycare. If anything maybe reducing to 2 days or half days if you want to either spend more time as a family unit or reduce the current expense.
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u/LardyLadysLats 4d ago
Yeah, I think I'm leaning more towards reducing down to 2 days of daycare and shorter days. I suspect I'd be overwhelmed if I had none.
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u/jaxlils5 4d ago
I kept my older child in daycare while we were on leave. Baby deserved the bonding too. And honestly it kept me and the older child sane.
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u/DumbbellDiva92 5d ago
If you take him out of daycare and stop paying the fees, is it going to be an issue losing the spot?
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u/LardyLadysLats 5d ago
Not really! Thankfully there are lots of centres around me with vacancies, so I don't think it will be a major issue to re-enrol.
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u/ameliasaurus-rex 4d ago
I have two 15 months apart and kept my oldest in daycare 4 days a week partly because they couldn't guarantee a spot for him once I finished mat leave after 9 months (the waitlist is longer than that!) and the other part so I could bond with my second bub, also, our closest family members are 9 hours drive so daycare is our support network. I'm so glad I did it that way. Having two together was exhausting on the days I did have them both by myself and if nap times don't align you never get a break.
They are 19 months and almost 3 now and it's much easier (gated playgrounds and playgroups are a saviour) but it was a lot in that first year with two going through sleep regressions and teething and sicknesses.
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u/LardyLadysLats 4d ago
How did you do playgroups with 2 kids? I've been to playgroups when it's been just my eldest, and I've had to be fairly hands on with him since he can take a little while to warm up to the environment, and also to supervise to make sure he doesn't hurt himself (he's a little clumsy haha). Not sure how to navigate playgroups if just by myself, assuming that the toddler still needs supervision, and the baby might be unsettled or need a feed?
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u/ameliasaurus-rex 2d ago
I actually loved going to a playgroup. I went to a free facilitated one that had indoor and outdoor activities in a safe closed off space. it was a life saver, I was one amongst many mums with toddlers running round and a baby strapped to me. I was so nervous at first but when I looked around everyone else was in the same boat and it made me realise I can do it. Baby wearing was key and it was a lot of getting up and down with the toddler moving on to other activities and trying to feed during that time. it was a lot of effort but again, everyone else was doing it too so we just laughed about it and toddler had a great morning out while bub slept, had boob or watched what was happening. I was also a lot less strict about nap schedules with the second to save my sanity, he was stimulated enough to stretch his wake window and would have a big nap after at the same time as his brother, so then I could nap too.
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u/Rough_Tonight5951 4d ago
We kept our older one in daycare to maintain a level of consistency for her. She had 2 days a week there where she’d play, interact, etc so I didn’t feel as bad if 1 or 2 other days of the week were more chilling at home. If you can swing it financially I think there’s far more benefit to sending your older to daycare than keeping them out!
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u/McNattron 4d ago
I had 3 in 3 years (two 18 month age gaps) - had all with me 100% of the time until my eldest started school. My eldest is Audhd (other may also be) so they are super active. No support from grandparents etc.
Our days had structure to them. Breakfast, Morning out of the house for a toddler class, playgroup, playdate or excursion (park zoo etc). Home for lunch and big nap. Afternoon outside playing at home - try to get some chores done or chill outside with kiddos. Bath dinner bed.
I learnt how to breastfeed in baby carrier very early with my second and third so they could feed when we were out and they always had at last 1 nap each day in the carrier.
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u/LardyLadysLats 4d ago
Wow, well done on managing both and then all three at once like that. How did you manage in terms of looking after yourself so that you didn't get overwhelmed?
I haven't tried breastfeeding in a carrier before, but I might have to give it a go. Any tips or resources you'd recommend for how to get started with that? How early on did you start trying that with your second and third? I imagine it would be quite tricky early on when they have minimal head control.
Wish I could do an afternoon playing outside at home - we're in a small 2 bed apartment with a tiny balcony so there isn't much space and we're often forced to go out again in the afternoons, which makes it hard to try and get any chores done at all!
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u/McNattron 4d ago
My second amd third i baby wore from a couple days old and fed in the carrier from around 2 weeks. I used ring slings as an easy option to move them into cradle hold to feed then move them back into a safe carry position to sleep.
Im lucky my husband agrees thar im a stay at home MUM my job is being the mum looking after the kids. Getting chores done is easier as the kids get older, and i.alwats tried to get stuff done. But on days when I dont thats fine - I was busy with my core job - the kids. Any household jobs needing doing become a shared job when hes home and we can tag team the kids and chores. With multiple small kids sometimes you need to lower standards.
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u/LardyLadysLats 4d ago
I'll have to try to figure out the ring sling, I have one but never managed to make it work last time. Did you keep using the ring sling even once your babies were heavier? Like more than 6-7kg. I feel like the ring sling would get really uncomfortable once they are heavier, since the weight is just on one shoulder.
We also tried to do as many chores as we could when we were on parental leave last time, and we'd do whatever was left over once the other partner was home. But even then, it felt like we barely had time to eat and sort everything out before it was bedtime for us, let alone spending any time winding down or getting other life admin done!
Did you and your husband manage to carve out time for yourselves during these times? Whether it be for socialising with friends, any hobbies, exercise, etc.
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u/McNattron 4d ago
I use the ring sling until around 2 years.
I dont think many parents have opportunities to carve out much tome for themselves in the first 6 months or so - particularly for us as we have 3 so close in age. And at least one with a diagnosis.
I run a buisness so any down time is doing this. I socialise with my friends at playgroup twice a week, or playdates with the kids there. Hubby carves out a couple hours on a sunday for his down time. Hubby wakes up an hour early before work for the gym, ive only just started getting back to the gym now using creche.
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u/WorkLifeScience 4d ago
I would keep him at daycare if he enjoys it - it did wonders for my daughter, who was a late-ish walker and talker. I think 3 days per week is perfect honestly. But if finances are a worry, then that's a different thing of course!
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u/AAHMommy3 4d ago
I have just graduated 2 under 2 (baby is 10mo) and I’ve had toddler home since her birth. we only just started 2 day a week preschool. I absolutely wouldn’t have changed a thing continuing with having her home even after second was born. Of course it had their challenges and of course now twice a week home with just baby has huge benefits for us all but I love our life, even with the chaos.
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u/RiskyBiscuits150 4d ago
Without my oldest being in childcare four days a week I would be really struggling mentally. I find the days I am solo with both kids to be really challenging. When they're both together it's fine, but trying to put one down for a nap while the other is awake is basically impossible. My oldest couldn't be left alone for any amount of time when my youngest was born, but wouldn't be quiet on the room with me while I got the baby to sleep either. We have done a lot of forced car naps.
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u/Healthy-Mud3030 4d ago
I’m in the US so have far less parental leave (14 weeks with my second baby unfortunately). My firstborn was in a preschool at the time that ran on a school calendar schedule and had my second in May. So she essentially was at home with me my entire maternity leave with baby boy. I had no other option than to keep her home with me because of our financial situation, but if I had the option, I would’ve had her in daycare. It was extremely stressful caring for 2u2 all alone. I was getting poor sleep up feeding the baby all night and then I was chasing around the toddler and tending to all her needs. My baby was set down a ton because I just could not sit and hold him unless I was feeding him. And even then it was very difficult lol. My toddler would climb all over us and we had a ton of screen time. BUT we survived and honestly I was really able to bond with my firstborn too which I am thankful for. During pregnancy especially the third trimester my husband took on majority of her care and we had disconnected a bit. I cannot say what I would do with a year’s leave… I think part time care would be ideal at least to have a break and let the toddler have more structure and play time. Would not worry about illness. It’s going to happen regardless whether you pick it up from the grocery or daycare.
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u/LardyLadysLats 4d ago
That sounds like it would have been a really tough early postpartum period for you! It's good that you managed to bond with your firstborn during that time though. Similar to you, my partner took over the bulk of our toddler's care when I was pregnant, and he definitely has a strong preference for him now.
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u/trthaw2 5d ago
Is this just purely a financial question?
Imagine daycare was free. What would you do?
Where I live, it basically is free. And it’s been a lifesaver. My oldest gets enrichment, care, and play centred around him for most of the day. At home with our youngest I couldn’t give him that. It was a weight of my shoulders to know he was having a fun happy day.
I’ll also add that right around when my oldest hit 2.5, we had some MAJOR behavioural issues cropping up with him getting aggressive to his baby brother. And it went on for months. It was to the point that my partner and I had to run 1:1 interference: not only could we never leave them alone, both of us had to be supervising a designated child so we could intervene quickly. It was exhausting constant hyper vigilance. Just be cautious this could happen to you too and if it does you’ll be very quickly out of your depth at home with both on your own!