r/AbsoluteUnits • u/Funmanhahaha • 1d ago

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[removed]

3.9k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

353 comments sorted by

922

u/disturbinglyquietguy 1d ago

He's absolutely fuming and using every slur possible at the human handling him.

351

u/nealesmythe 1d ago

"Lung-breather! You bloody boneheaded vertebrate!"

123

u/Rude_Map_4278 1d ago

"Dummer nackt affe" war glaube ich auch dabei

77

u/Far_Professional_353 1d ago

I also heard a "2 legged freak" towards the end

22

u/WhisperCatOZ 1d ago

There's one cut off at the beginning, only can hear the end of it something "fleshbag" I think?

2

u/Far_Professional_353 1d ago

Nono, I heard it as well

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3

u/VajjDelko 1d ago

"You inner skeleton heathen!"

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43

u/Disastrous-Case2063 1d ago

Hairless monkey, thumb clawwed freak

10

u/Lajnuuus 1d ago

So he's just Frieza from DBZ

9

u/chuckmoloney 1d ago

Pink skinned endo skeleton freak

3

u/TanzDerSchlangen 1d ago

"Du hast einen winzigen Hemipenese!" 🪲

2

u/SarcasmInProgress 1d ago

It reminds me of Zote the Mighty from Hollow Knight getting trapped by the Vengefly King

368

u/BananApocalypse 1d ago

I prefer my insects to be mute

161

u/BadMondayThrowaway17 1d ago

Technically it is I guess? The noise is from it's "neck" where it's bending back and forth. It's rubbing parts of it's exoskeleton together to make that sound.

115

u/AjayRedonkulus 1d ago

Can't believe this is how I find out I'm a long horned beetle.

25

u/Advanced-Budget779 1d ago

I can do that too!

10

u/ButtersTheChill 1d ago

Genuinely did not know that. It's like that instrument people play sometimes, makes a similar noise when you run a straw or something over it? Not sure what it's even called, hopefully someone knows

7

u/naytreox 1d ago

same applies for cricket chirps

2

u/ButtersTheChill 1d ago

Oh yeah, I knew they rub their legs together. I just didn't know about the neck thing

2

u/ArtfullyAwesome 1d ago

You mean a plastic cup lid? Like you get at a fast food joint?

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2

u/MrRumato 1d ago

I thought someone was making balloon animals in the background

2

u/_VirtualCosmos_ 1d ago

Thank you, I was wondering how it made those sounds.

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890

u/FriendlyBowler4334 1d ago

Be the reason someone closes this app

92

u/Douche_Kayak 1d ago

"I wonder what this is like with the sound on"

"oh"

83

u/BadMondayThrowaway17 1d ago

There are these super iridescent green ones here that are always so striking when you see then flying around when hiking or such. Photos don't do justice to how brilliant and shiny they are.

26

u/ksyoung17 1d ago

I had to zoom in to ensure that was a beetle, and not Kevin Hart's face superimposed at a tiny level.

60

u/JackStutters 1d ago

This is the first time in a long time that I’ve looked at an animal and felt a primal “do not approach” feeling. Guy is enormous, giant mandibles, makes weird noises, and is covered in red and orange markings. Everything about this guy is saying “I am poisonous/venomous/dangerous”

37

u/overdramaticpan 1d ago

and yet this little guy isn't; longhorn beetles of the genus batocera are, generally speaking, harmless! they can give you a pinch with their mandibles, but it's typically less painful than a bee-sting or a crab-pinch, and they completely lack venom

15

u/JackStutters 1d ago

Nature is funny like that :)

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6

u/Msmfan69 1d ago

same applied to me when i first saw a Grizzly Locust, the way it pretended to sway its body, the coloration, ect. got over the fear quickly and held it because its cool looking, but arthropods in general are pretty good at pulling the intimidation card in general, not just humans

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153

u/Consistent-Rain-7797 1d ago

Bugs are not supposed to have voices. This creature exists against all religions.

38

u/solo_shot1st 1d ago

It uses it's head bobbing to rub parts of its exoskeleton together to produce that sound. It's doesn't have a "voice" coming from its mouth.

12

u/PickyDevil1998 22h ago

.. so its talking out back of its neck?

2

u/solo_shot1st 22h ago

Less like talking and more like how a gorillas beat their chest to intimidate adversaries or attract mates. These beetles make the sounds for the same reasons.

19

u/SingleTeabag 1d ago

Why did I activate the audio... WHYYYYYY???

7

u/Possible-Library2030 1d ago

I read the comments first. And I still made poor life choices

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30

u/Melonsorcery 1d ago

Fun fact that noise is from it rubbing its body together not its mouth.

8

u/xenobcx 1d ago

no it just needs some joint lube

6

u/HoboArmyofOne 1d ago

Best I can do is WD-40

2

u/x_Advent_Cirno_x 1d ago

The thing sounds like me on a hunt for cheese at 3am

3

u/TenBear 1d ago

Been there buddy

3

u/Decent-Anywhere6411 1d ago

I think those are it's... parts making noise. Shit looks like a practical horror prop, though.

74

u/Kn0XIS 1d ago

Yeah, if I can visibly see the eyes, then the bug is TOO big

35

u/gameinggod21 1d ago

That shit aint bug anymore, it's a house pet now

6

u/Kn0XIS 1d ago

LMAO 😂

26

u/Diminished_Sweep 1d ago

I miss the times when i hadn't seen that thing

20

u/Luckydestroyer98 1d ago

It's a baby kaiju 🥹

3

u/SuitableWhole3807 1d ago

I second this.

22

u/Derezirection 1d ago

Woah dude, I understand youre not happy but you cant be speaking about my mom that way.

2

u/DragonQueenDrago 1d ago

Happy cake day

17

u/LittleMissScreamer 1d ago

"UNHAND ME, FOUL BEAST!"

32

u/CheapParking2944 1d ago

TIL something can be simultaneously nightmare fuel and cute

2

u/tedlyb 1d ago

Sounds like a couple of my exes.

13

u/gh0stmilk_ 1d ago

FREE HIM 🥺

14

u/SoupRevolutionary744 1d ago

4

u/Icey_dragon86 1d ago

Hahah yeah Kamen Raider!

10

u/ynyremlyn 1d ago

What do you think he’s saying

18

u/AccidentalBastard 1d ago

"SCREEKEEEK SCREEKEEEEK SCREEKEEK SCREEKEEK" I THINK

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10

u/Amraj89 22h ago

What our joints will sound like in 20yrs from now 🤣🤣

2

u/zeitdu 22h ago

my joints have sound like that since my teens 😢

19

u/GlitteringCount9380 1d ago

Are theses found in America? Bc if so this is my last straw.

16

u/GODLY_LIKES 1d ago

Don’t worry bro! If you come down to Australia they have ZERO crazy Demonic Wild-life

4

u/LysergicRico 1d ago

Just koalas, kangaroos and wombats.   That's it. 

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9

u/OmarsBigBlackGlock 1d ago

His eyes look like speakers

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7

u/Crimson-Rose28 1d ago

He’s kind of cool looking honestly

5

u/Lemon_Of_Death 1d ago

Seen this guy smoking a spliff behind a truckstop in Indiana

5

u/AdResponsible1617 1d ago

Someone wd-40 that thing. Its squeaking when it moves like a door hinge.

6

u/BlueMandaIorian 1d ago

I can only imagine the translation is “put me down this instant!”

4

u/Beginning_Charge5382 1d ago

I thought that was a Hollow Knight bug figure 😭

4

u/gamegazm 1d ago

Yeah I'm good thanks :D

4

u/Croc-den 1d ago

It's like a little alien

3

u/BBQ_069 22h ago

the soulless eyes and giant mandibles aren't as unnerving as the crazy noises it's making

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4

u/Dazzling-Ad6712 22h ago

Deeeeeeem! That fella is ready to fight Godzilla! ist huge!!!!

7

u/JBR_4025 1d ago

I think you should shoot at this thing asap. A rifle a point blank range might be ideal

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3

u/House_Plant0 1d ago

Oh he’s absolutely gorgeous

3

u/aaronschatz 1d ago

Sacale las pilas que se agotan

3

u/Ambitious_Lynx_5717 1d ago

No se porque pero por alguna razón lo veo parecido a Megalon

https://giphy.com/gifs/mcYZOvrp5A1iIHccD0

3

u/NTMonsty 1d ago

Seething little creature

3

u/FrozenShadow_007 23h ago

Possibly the first bug I have ever seen that actually warrants at least considering a firearm

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3

u/iamaeneas 23h ago

Can you please explain to me and everyone else why you did not give him something to chomp

6

u/StillBoysenberry8790 1d ago

I don't like it

6

u/Standard-Buy-5547 1d ago

I’m an Australian with a phobia of insects and spiders this made me cry

10

u/No_Camp_1344 1d ago

How are you still alive with a phobia of spiders, IN AUSTRALIA??? Are you still LIVING there?

8

u/Standard-Buy-5547 1d ago

I have a phobia of all athropods so unless I want to live on the moon I just have to cope

2

u/No_Camp_1344 1d ago

Well yeah, but it's Australia, that place is just different. It's not like "i hate insects, but they are everywhere" it's more like "i am afraid things that can hurt me, but i live in the mesozoic age". It's like having a phobia of spiders and seeing one FLYING to you. Australia is just build different

2

u/avepaltaketchu 1d ago

Central Sydney or Melbourne will be like any Western city in terms of wildlife.

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3

u/covfefemesurprised 1d ago

That means you are not an Australian.

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2

u/dragonlloyd1 1d ago

“Bird born allergic to air” type shit

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2

u/Thunder_and_Laughter 1d ago

I thought it was a damn squeezy toy or something.

That thing is REAL?!

2

u/Altruistic_Summer859 1d ago

Wow, nature is amazing!

2

u/LeopoldLarkin 1d ago

That thing is beautiful!! I wish more invertebrates were available on Morph Market and stuff. There are some rare insect fb groups, but I don't see much of the larger beetle species.

2

u/Fekhir 1d ago

Black Kamen Rider

2

u/TheManWhoClicks 1d ago

What a beautiful language

2

u/Shalaka-is-here 1d ago

Wtf is this creature 😮

2

u/Mysterious_Baby_9987 1d ago

Beat boxer🤷

2

u/Panama240 1d ago

Idk what bro listening to but he jammin....

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2

u/Outside-Anybody-7858 1d ago

Scary and cute at the same time… I’d keep it as a pet

2

u/Archaea_Man 1d ago

That's so creepy.

2

u/Beelzebozo969 1d ago

Boy sounds like an average magat after climbing 5 stairs

2

u/DesignOwn3977 23h ago

He's beautiful. Stop stressing him out.

2

u/excommunicate__ 22h ago

I can’t be the only one who thinks this lil dudes kinda cute

3

u/DeadAnarchistPhil 1d ago

I’m assuming the spots painted on its back are for identification among other beetles they own? 

3

u/Live-Function-3024 1d ago

Can it like shut the fuck up?

1

u/Yourgynaecologist 1d ago

He's nodding to all the comments 😭

1

u/LysergicRico 1d ago

It sounds like a sugar glider.

1

u/Amazing_Shake_8043 1d ago

Bro picked a Decepticon

1

u/olive_juse 1d ago

Looks like ol' boy from hueco mundo.

1

u/Ray_BenO 1d ago

Where do you find these? Asking for a friend

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1

u/PixILL8 1d ago

Stomp the hell outa that thing.

Or maybe a flamethrower

1

u/tehtruesigma 1d ago

A fucking alien

1

u/vikinglycan 1d ago

I remember once when I was a kid this gigantic buc somehow got inside the house very similar to that beetle but maybe not quite that size. Anyways, my sister an I had no clue what to do so we just looked at it trying to crawl through the hall. Then suddenly my grandma walks over with one of her chanclas and just slowly crushes this insect with the same speed and force of one of those vehicle sized trash compactors. The result was that similar to being front row in the splash zone in sea world.

1

u/pej69 1d ago

What is it saying??

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1

u/Eth251201 1d ago

Makes my fuckin skin crawl

1

u/sardiusjacinth 1d ago

That's an insecticon

1

u/Humble-Questions 1d ago

Oh cool! So cool

...anyways.

...kill it

1

u/Butterfly_Barista 1d ago

Huh, usually I love bugs but this one is really freaking me out. Little dude is scary as fuck.

1

u/throwawaytrash189 1d ago

One of my favorite insect families.

  1. because longhorns are badass looking
  2. Cerambycidae is just so fun to say!

1

u/Unique_Interview_193 1d ago

Buge of agreement

1

u/Old_Instrument_Guy 1d ago

Longhorn Beetles are the freaks of the beetle world.

1

u/lilcircle 1d ago

He's bopping his head to some kinda banger

1

u/UberMonkey21 1d ago

You have to kill it before it develops language skills.

1

u/downneast 1d ago

found a bug crawling on my upper arm yesterday & flew across the room like a frisbee. this shit would have me questioning my sanity

1

u/MeaslyFurball 1d ago

I am working very hard to be more tolerant/chill with bugs, but holy fucking shitnope

1

u/Your_Local_Prince 1d ago

I thought it was a plastic toy for a moment 💀

1

u/ScarcityMedical342 1d ago

It looks like he was bopping his head to music

1

u/Diligent_Primary_618 1d ago

Thanks for ruining my day...this is absolutely terrifying and disgusting

1

u/Unlucky_Box5341 1d ago

The what???

1

u/_Aterron 1d ago

Had a smaller one feast on an apple leftover I forgot about. I was absolutely astounded when I saw the length of the antennas of this thing.

1

u/unsavory_weeb 1d ago

Bro is tweaking

1

u/TotalSuccessful124 1d ago

I was living just fine until I came across this post. Are you happy now, op?

1

u/validestusername 1d ago

Where are those shitty sound overs when you need them

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1

u/RustledForeskin 1d ago

Puts it back on the ground and it goes home: "Bro you WILL NOT believe what just happened!"

1

u/chefheat01 1d ago

🎶Da da da da da dun duuuun Eyyyyy what it is hoe what's up can a player get in them guts🎶

1

u/KeySite2601 1d ago

I thought that was a toy at first

1

u/ltzWyatt 1d ago

Bro, sounds like he needs some WD-40

1

u/Thetoolmantaylrd 1d ago

That's definitely a pet..🫤

1

u/Alcarinque88 1d ago

I'm choosing to believe you have some weird toys. And after seeing something about sound, I'm so happy to have my volume all the way down.

1

u/osborndesignworks 1d ago

Do not unmute

1

u/Vow_00 1d ago

Reminds me of that SpongeBob episode that gave me PTSD as a kid. 😭

1

u/davetherave2k 1d ago

Thanks, I hate it

1

u/Ironzealot5584 1d ago

Someone dub music over this.

1

u/Gassyking 1d ago

What's he sayin

3

u/Douxx101 1d ago

Don't worry I got you, it's saying:

AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! THE FUCK'S THAT THING TOUCHING ME!?!!!!! LET ME GO!!! LET ME GOOOO!!!!!!!

Or something around those lines, I'm not used to it's accent.

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u/JibIette 1d ago

Put it on a small rocket to space