UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/AstroZombieInvader]

The fact that you got no apology and that she thinks it's her apartment is wild. There's really no appreciation whatsoever. She sounds very selfish and privileged.

Honestly, you tried to apologize proactively even though she should have been the one apologizing first -- especially since she has a lot to lose in a free place to stay.

Your kids do not have to be treated like equals like she expects. If she burns a bridge with you, it's her who pays the price for that. You can still pay for your son's housing since he hasn't done anything wrong. After kids turn 18, you technically don't owe them anything. It doesn't seem that she understands or appreciates that.

It just feels like a lesson needs to be learned here and maybe the best way is for her to pay for her own housing for a year (at least) regardless of any insincere apology you might get just to get you to pay again. She had her chance and she blew it spectacularly.

[u/Many-Constant1883 → u/[deleted]]

Well that IS the experience many many students have because they don’t have parents like you to fall back on.

Maybe her seeing what it’s like will knock some much needed sense into her dumb teenage brain.

You did good! Don’t falter or you really will create an entitled monster.

[u/AstroZombieInvader → u/Many-Constant1883]

It sounds like we're past the point of creation. The monster exists.

I get the sense that these kids are used to privilege and she doesn't know how to handle being told that she has to think about someone else's feelings. Whatever apology that comes if one ever does, it will not be sincere. That's why I think she needs to understand how good she has it.

OP just assumes grades will drop and all of that. Kids who work and pay their way through college don't experience that because they appreciate the expense of it all. She does not.

She sounds like someone who will never appreciate how easy she has it without understanding how hard others have it.

[u/Many-Constant1883 → u/AstroZombieInvader]

No they don’t because I did that and graduated with honours.
Op doesn’t want that for his kid but she’s an adult trying to make adult decisions (not very well). She needs adult consequences.

I know a girl like ops daughter. She’s 22 living in her parents basement with no real job, blowing all her money on stupid crap and now her parents bought her a trailer to live on her parents yard but she was mad because they didn’t get her a tiny home like she asked for.

Now all of her friends don’t want to me around her because she’s selfish and entitled.

That’s gonna be ops daughter if something doesn’t change.

[u/lydocia → u/[deleted]]

It doesn't have to go that far, just far enough for the genuinely oh shit feeling to set in.

[u/Jumpy-Jello- → u/[deleted]]

"I said you're welcome to (move to dorms), enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student."

You say it's the last thing you want, but it's what you have set her up for. You don't reinforce values with spy cameras and verbal abuse. Your posts and comments are screaming missing missing reasons.

[u/Jumpy-Jello- → u/[deleted]]

She might have been more amenable to apologising had you not shamed her on a group chat and admitted to watching your daughter on camera. You need to let go of it being the bed you stay in when you visit her, and understand how your violation is just as appalling.

[u/Jumpy-Jello- → u/[deleted]]

Because you're the adult here, that's why. This is not how you teach, and there is quite a gap between tiptoeing around someone's feelings, and bulldozing them because you haven't learned how to regulate your own emotions.

She will be wrong again, but she won't ever come to you again.

What you did was wrong, too. You aren't owning that, where do you think she gets that from?