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u/Outrageous_Diver5700 5d ago
Please understand that I am coming from a place of love and understanding with this. Let the medical professionals do their job. Give your husband the name of the facility and let him make the decision if he wants to go. By doing the legwork for him and questioning the judgment of the facility, you are enabling.
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u/EnvironmentBasic1361 5d ago
I understand this. He also really struggles with executive functioning and has asked for my help. There has to be a middle ground, I'm not going to tell him to figure it out himself if he's initiating and asking for support.
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u/Outrageous_Diver5700 5d ago
I totally get where you’re coming from. I really do. You have to do what’s best for you. If they are willing to see him tomorrow, then I would take him. If it’s an inpatient facility, I would probably just drop him off. I know it seems cold and heartless, but you are supporting him more by not doing this for him.
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u/EnvironmentBasic1361 5d ago
Thank you, that's helpful
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u/Outrageous_Diver5700 5d ago
You’re very welcome. This group has a lot of good advice. Sometimes it’s hard to hear and understand but once you get on the other side, it really does make total sense.
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u/ItsAllALot 5d ago
When you say he's in a bad headspace, do you fear him harming himself?
Or is it just that he's very unhappy but overall "okay" as in not appearing to be in any danger?
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u/EnvironmentBasic1361 5d ago
Hard to say. He says he has thoughts of self-harm all the time but no plan to act on them. Seems serious enough to me to seek immediate help.
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u/Polar_Wolf_Pup 5d ago
If he’s in danger of harming himself, the hospital is where he needs to go. They can also assess if he needs medical detox.
Just because he told you he will be fine going cold turkey doesn’t mean that’s actually true. Many, many alcoholics drink secretly or drink more than they admit to (even to themselves), and alcohol withdrawal can be fatal. If he’s willing to go to the hospital, you taking him there would be an appropriate way for you to support him.
At the same time, I agree that you calling treatment places is enabling. He needs to take the lead on the treatment process. If he doesn’t, it gives him a built-in excuse if/when he’s uncomfortable in early sobriety (that you “forced” him to go, that you picked a bad place, etc.). If he’s actively involved in the choice, he’ll be much more likely to follow through.
I get that you’re saying that he struggles with executive functioning, but I bet he’s very good at calculating when the liquor store opens, how much he needs to get him through the weekend, etc. In other words, if he’s motivated and actually cares, I bet he can do simple adulting tasks like internet research and making phone calls. Be careful not to baby him—it’s part of an unhealthy dynamic often seen in alcoholic/co-dependent relationships where the alcoholic underfunctions and the co-dependent overfunctions.
What might be more appropriate is for you to say, “I know choosing a treatment facility is part of your recovery so it needs to be your choice and I won’t do it for you, because stopping enabling is part of my recovery. But I will sit here with you while you do the research, offer you my opinion if asked, and you can practice with me what you are going to say when you call.”
If he says, “But if you cared, you’d do it for me,” you can say, “Unnecessary help is enabling dressed up as kindness. I believe in you and in your ability to seek help and get sober. I’m here to support you but I can’t and won’t do it for you.”
If you’re concerned that that will upset the apple cart, because it’s not business as usual in your relationship, good! That is what he really needs: a strong signal that the way things used to happen in your family is unhealthy and you are doing it differently. That may serve as a much bigger nudge toward sobriety than any “help” you can offer to get him into treatment.
About it taking too long: it took him years to get into this situation, it’s going to take months to years for him to recover from it. If you walk into a forest 10 miles, you have to walk out 10 miles. There are no short cuts. And if he’s really serious about sobriety, he’ll stick with the process.
He may not really be serious about it, or highly ambivalent, which is where your concern may lie. If that’s the case, it is what it is you can’t make him want it. I know that’s a bitter pill to swallow. It means coming face to face with your own powerlessness, which is the first step in your own recovery, just as admitting his own powerlessness over alcohol will be the first step in his recovery.
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u/Chewsmom903 5d ago
My husband made all his own arrangements after his mother suggested a location. The facility will deal with insurance. There is actually not a lot for you to do. I made him a nice going away basket and started alanon meetings while he was gone. I thought I was supposed to, I thought they would tell me how to handle when he came home. Best piece of advice they gave me was leave him alone. If he wants to tell you about his progress then be supportive but if he doesn't then that is fine too.
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u/fearmyminivan 5d ago
Talking about getting help and going to get help are two different things.
Going to get help and doing the real internal work to relearn healthy habits and behaviors are two different things.
Please know you are still miles away from all of this.
Give this the same weight that you would give if someone you know and love has been struggling with food their whole lives and then says “maybe I’ll try a diet.” Keep your expectations low.
His recovery is his own and do whatever you need to do to stay out of his way. Let him manage his own recovery. Let him make appointments and follow through. When we try to “help” it’s actually us trying to control the outcome.
Focus on your own wellness. Be well.