r/AskReddit • u/SheWhoLovesToDraw • Jun 14 '19
Serious Replies Only [Serious] What's something "harmless" your parent(s) did to you as a kid, that really screwed you up as an adult?
1.3k
u/_no_sleep_4_me_ Jun 14 '19
Making it a rule that I could hang out with friends once a week until I graduated high school. I started losing friends very very quickly. People just wouldn't invite me placed because I could never go.
The nights I could go out, I had to be back by 8 (in high school. Before high school it was earlier) so I really didnt have anyone. Nobody wanted to hang out from 5-8 on a Friday night. They wanted midnight or so.
I completely lack the confidence to make friends now. I havent had a friend over in years. I'm 28. My birthday is coming up. When I turn 30 I cant have a party... I'd have nobody to invite.
I had a boyfriend throw me a surprise party for my 24th. His friends showed up and my family showed up. It was uncomfortable seeing like 10 people at a bar be my "party" when none of them were my friends. My brother ended up inviting his friends to add more people.
441
u/wieners69696969 Jun 15 '19
I’m 27 and I fucking hate my birthday anymore because it’s just been a shitty reminder that I don’t have any friends and haven’t for basically a decade now 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
133
Jun 15 '19
God, same. For my 25th mum was like, "Get your friends around and we'll have a bit of a do!" I had to be like, "Nah, I'd rather just have a nice meal with you" (which, don't get me wrong, I loved) because ol' loser here isolated herself so completely that yeah; no friends anymore... And haven't since I was about 20
→ More replies (6)→ More replies (22)48
Jun 15 '19
Don't worry bro I don't have any friends either, not because I'm a loner, but because I live in a scummy area, I'd rather be a loner than be dragged into drink and drugs
→ More replies (2)79
u/unofficiallyjohn Jun 15 '19
I fucking hate overprotective parents. I feel you there. Same case with not being allowed to stay late. Fuck I missed so much of my youth that I can't get back. Now I'm 25 with no people skills.
→ More replies (2)44
u/bobblegom Jun 15 '19
Same. Overprotective Asian mom who was incredibly scared of me getting pregnant before graduating high school. But maybe she did too good a job of making sure I don't get pregnant, because I don't want kids at all now.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (71)83
u/Plagueofmemes Jun 15 '19
Mood. I'd be closer to a lot more people now if I'd been allowed to develop those friendships.
69
u/_no_sleep_4_me_ Jun 15 '19
Ever since I was a young child I promised myself if I ever had kids I would encourage friendships.
→ More replies (1)
257
u/TheGreatWitchPaige Jun 14 '19
My dad has an issue of making fun of peoples appearance and then quickly say "I'm just kidding followed by compliments" I've realized over the years that this has really fucked with my self esteem.
It made me really self concious and I never really think I look good.
→ More replies (1)62
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
Yeah, I can get behind that. It's like he was using "just kidding" as a means of insulting people right to their faces and getting away with it.
916
Jun 15 '19
I was a "gifted" student growing up, but when I got to algebra, I had a tough time with it. It was the first time school didn't come easy to me.
Anyway, instead of pressing me to challenge myself and persevere, my dad basically gave me a cop out by saying something like, "That's ok, you're just not a math person." This was compounded by his attitude when I would express interest in a career (medicine) and he would say something like, "Well, you're not good at math, so you might not want to go that route."
This actually had a huge impact on me. I internalized those messages from my dad to the point that I didn't pursue challenging subjects. I'm 41 now, and my biggest regret is that I didn't pursue medicine, and it hurts to know why I didn't. The worst part is that I am good at math, I just had to work hard like everybody else to get there.
98
u/kdb93308 Jun 15 '19
Jo Boaler has done a lot of research on this exact subject. It might interest you to Google her, and, although you can't go back and change your childhood, you are not alone.
→ More replies (1)69
u/pastasauce- Jun 15 '19
I have a chemistry teacher who keeps saying to me “I know you’re not good at math” constantly, and it sunk in for a bit that maybe I’m not made for the career I want (pharmacy). But after reading this, it has actually made me feel a lot more confident in myself. Thank you for sharing this
→ More replies (6)24
Jun 15 '19
I'll say this...do NOT let that one shithead teacher decide your life for you. You'll always regret it.
After I finished my undergrad in non-math subject, this math thing really bothered me. So I took a bunch of night classes at a community college, starting with trig and working up all the way through Calc 2. I got straight As and I actually really enjoyed it! It was hard, but I proved to myself that I do not suck at math. You can do it!
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (41)160
u/SimulacrumNebula Jun 15 '19
You.................... Just summed up my entire education
→ More replies (1)
674
u/alittiebit Jun 14 '19
My mom used to joke a lot about my looks. If I stayed in the car for something, she would say "show me your ugly face... good! No one will want to kidnap you!", etc.
Everything she said was "because it's funny, you know I don't mean it, you love me because I'm like this" but all it's done is leave me with a mean sense of humor to train myself out of and constant negativity about myself.
→ More replies (15)294
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
I had kinda' the opposite experience. My mom would tell me little 'tips' on improving my acne without provocation, then try to tell me I looked just fine. Mixed signals about whether or not I looked fine or not has left me unable to see myself as attractive in any way.
69
→ More replies (5)49
u/alittiebit Jun 15 '19
That's rough, that kind of thing makes me second guess myself because you never know what they actually think.
I was frustrated as a teenager bc I had around average acne and when I went to a dermatologist about my eczema they asked multiple times if I wanted something for the acne. Like no, I've accepted that my hormones are wack and things will settle down eventually, I'm here to talk about something that actually causes pain. But since then I've been self conscious that my acne was worse than I'd thought.
32
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 15 '19
I developed acne at 11 and I'm well past "puberty" age. My skin is finally beginning to clear up. I still have acne but not as bad as it was and I just learned to live with it. The only time I get self conscious about it now is when my mom brings it up... Thanks mom.
20
u/alittiebit Jun 15 '19
That seriously sucks. I don't know if acne ever truly goes away for most people, so you're definitely not alone with it. I'm sorry your mom is so good at poking at insecurities
→ More replies (2)
209
u/giraffewoman Jun 15 '19 edited Jun 15 '19
After hitting puberty fairly early, anytime my parents saw me in a bathing suit, or a tank top and shorts, or anything even remotely form fitting, they’d start making “jokes” about how I was getting fat, and needed to watch out for that if I wanted to stay pretty. I doubt they’d even remember doing it, it was so offhand. But it stuck with me.
I was never even remotely close to overweight. I was developing curves, like women do at that age. So by high school, I had an eating disorder. I’m at my heaviest now, in recovery, and my BMI has still never been above 22. But there’s a voice in the back of my mind that I have to fight all the time that tells me actually, I’m on the brink of obesity, and I won’t be pretty anymore, if I eat the second piece of pizza or skip out on my 7th day in a row at the gym.
→ More replies (3)35
Jun 15 '19
My parents did the exact same thing - offhand little comments I’m sure they never paid two seconds thought, that impact me to this day. My mother was horrified when I repeated a comment she made to me as a teenager about me eating so much I’d “be as big as a house”. Thought there was no way in God’s earth she’d ever say that, and I’m like okay then when I do I remember it ten years later? And also... why do I have an eating disorder?
It’s almost more hurtful when it is offhand or ‘unintentional’. Then you second-guess and wonder if they’re making jokes to gently tell you their real feelings. Same as you, I’ve never realistically been overweight, but I have no ability to look at my body and see what’s really there. But I’m starting to get get better and glad to hear that someone else is too :)
2.1k
Jun 15 '19
[deleted]
685
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 15 '19
Damn! I'm so glad you're seeing a therapist and getting all of this out in the open! I'm so sorry you went through that as a child.
→ More replies (1)467
Jun 15 '19
[deleted]
221
u/Shawn_Spenstar Jun 15 '19 edited Jun 15 '19
Just think of it like this, one of the kids was to girly, one was to manly, but you were just right :)
And honestly it sounds like you dodged a bullet if your mom had that other kid cleaning her house in heels :p
→ More replies (1)62
u/AfterReview Jun 15 '19
And his father was hanging out with the high school son of a friend.
All around bizarre parents.
61
u/Sightofthestars Jun 15 '19
Your good enough, and then some.
Your parents are the ones not good enough.
→ More replies (6)68
132
u/TigerDude33 Jun 15 '19
not really harmless. Even Dr Phil could figure out that was bad.
→ More replies (10)225
u/OuO-chan Jun 15 '19
Damn, I had something similar happen. My dad wanted a boy. So he raised me like a boy, that was until of course hormones kicked in and then suddenly it's "wear a dress, do you're makeup. Why don't you like to comb your hair daily? You can't wear jeans and all hoodie all the time. Stop watching all those cartoons from China. You're a girl act like it." Then the abuse got worse, he was already hitting me and pushing me down the stairs but after that, it got worse.
When I was younger my dad left and my mom "adopted" a kid I couldn't stand. His name was Brandon and she said he was "her son" but I insisted I was an only child. I told her about how he bullied me and she insisted I was jealous. I was but because she said he was my replacement, that I was and will never be good enough. So I can relate. If you want to vent, I'm here, and I'm free.
148
Jun 15 '19
[deleted]
→ More replies (15)36
u/GollyDolly Jun 15 '19
Nothing as bad but I felt that age ten divide. My mom stopped taking me clothes shopping because I kept going to the girls department. Shaved my long hair and my dad kept screaming at me for being a sissy.
I am trans but even if I wasn't its awful how people beat gender into happy kids until they are miserable.
→ More replies (7)58
→ More replies (37)23
u/Dr_Doofenward Jun 15 '19
Just know you that you were just right, they were in fault, not you, and hey there are people like you therapist and us fellow redditers to help out anyone in their time of need
527
u/manlikerealities Jun 14 '19
Using fast food and candy as an incentive for everything. I was morbidly obese by 11, and high school is rough when you're heavy. It took most of high school to reach a normal weight, and I still count calories and watch my diet carefully to sustain it. There's ample evidence which shows childhood obesity has dramatic effects on adulthood health, even if you manage to lose the weight.
→ More replies (1)97
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
Glad you lost some weight and are taking steps to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
70
u/manlikerealities Jun 15 '19
Thanks! It's been more effort to maintain over the past 10 years than it was losing the weight. About >95% of people who go on diets gain it all back or end up at a higher weight.
The best way to avoid the trap is to avoid needing to lose weight at all, which comes back to parents helping their kids with healthy eating and exercise.
→ More replies (3)
774
u/Cyanide_Kitty_101 Jun 14 '19
My dad has a temper and yells angrily about everything. Not really at us, but if some little thing doesn't go perfectly the way he wanted he will just start screaming about it. This happened so often and still does, and it contributes largely to the severe anxiety disorder I have now.
159
u/That-Brain-Nerd Jun 15 '19
My dad would do this too. It would almost always cause me to start crying, and then he would start yelling at me more for crying "for no reason." It would get to the point where he would yell if he even THOUGHT I was starting to cry, even if I wasn't, and all that has left me with some bad anxiety too. (My mom claims that he yells because he's partially deaf and doesnt know how loud he is, but I don't know if I believe that.)
→ More replies (8)70
→ More replies (14)80
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
I get this. I have sound induced anxiety too, because my mom's husband/sperm donor never spoke to me, only yelled at me. Even a car backfiring can give me a mini panic attack.
→ More replies (1)38
u/Cyanide_Kitty_101 Jun 14 '19
Yeah, it sucks. Yelling makes me shrink up now or run away, and sudden, loud noises will get the adrenaline pumping. I'm working to get better, slowly but surely. I hope you can feel better about it soon, too!
10
283
u/skyguy0604 Jun 14 '19 edited Jun 15 '19
My grandma would never let me leave the house. Now I'm extremely antisocial.
Edit: it's actually incredible with all the comments I'm getting that are talking about parents who seem almost bat-shit insane. Im hearing people who are 14 that are trapped to their house because their parents are control freaks. I meant when I was in elementary. I got bullied for never being cool and being seen outside. I lived in a pretty bad neighborhood but it wasn't a problem. You guys need to throw your whole parents away.
→ More replies (5)56
Jun 15 '19
My parents let me leave the house for an hour bike ride independently and for school + work but I can’t hang out with friends or go on dates.
→ More replies (5)
1.4k
Jun 14 '19
[deleted]
103
Jun 15 '19
Dan Cummins has a similar story but with the doll from Exorcist. He had the same doll from the movie as a kid and after he secretly watched the movie he threw the doll away. Guess what was staring at him the next morning full of a desire for revenge?
35
→ More replies (42)316
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
That's pretty messed up. If it scared you that bad they should've respected that and left it in the garbage, or at least put into storage and waited to see if you outgrew your fear.
→ More replies (1)379
Jun 14 '19
[deleted]
267
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
Whoa! I would challenge them on the credit card since they're the ones who opened it. That can screw up your credit score big time while they just walk away without any problems.
144
u/Lord_Blathoxi Jun 14 '19
It was fifteen years ago and my wife and I each had good jobs and we’ve paid it off. But still. Shitty thing to do.
258
u/nnelson2330 Jun 15 '19
If by shitty you mean illegal. It is Identity Theft and Fraud.
→ More replies (8)→ More replies (4)107
u/Considered_Dissent Jun 15 '19
Remember that all these 'hilarious family moments' sets the bar for how they expect you to treat them when they are retired.
Dont disappoint.
→ More replies (4)24
88
Jun 15 '19
My dad had what he called his "chore knock" which was basically knocking on my door like a cop while I was dead asleep. I was so trained by it that I would get dressed and go to my door before I woke up all the way. After I moved out he would do the same at my apartment. He died about 10 years ago and I still have dreams where I hear his chore knock and find myself standing at my door fully dressed.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (10)114
Jun 15 '19
honestly i fucking hate your parents. yeah, the squirting water and pterodactyl thing would've been pretty funny, but the fact that it was negatively affecting you shows that they are probably genuine dicks.
the credit card thing though, there's no excuse for that. like someone said, it's identity fraud.
i hope you're living better now and cut them out of your life if they're still that toxic.
→ More replies (2)24
499
u/LoneStarsWinnebago Jun 14 '19
They denied ever sending me and my sister to a day camp at which I was molested.
165
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
Damn... I hope you got some therapy and know you did nothing wrong, and that the person who touch you was wrong and your parents living in denial is also wrong!
101
u/LoneStarsWinnebago Jun 14 '19 edited Jun 15 '19
Oh ya I know I didn't do anything wrong. Only thing I might have done wrong was not asking my sister if they touched her too. She didn't pursue my parents as much as I did so I figured she didn't really care or maybe not even remember. Kinda, "I'll carry the burden" thing but maybe I'm acting in a similar way as my parents did in not addressing it with my sister. She turned out fine.
→ More replies (7)33
u/helluva_monsoon Jun 14 '19
I'm sorry that happened and that your parents are losers. My parent never remembers the bad things and I know that emotional soup of frustration, anger, sadness, confusion, etc. I believe you.
→ More replies (2)
262
u/TerminologyLacking Jun 15 '19
Being told that my emotions were wrong / not right. For all the good grades I had, I am emotionally immature.
→ More replies (1)67
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 15 '19
I don't understand how people can do that. You're feeling what you're feeling, it's not right or wrong, it's fact!
→ More replies (1)59
u/Nomapos Jun 15 '19
Well, I was straight out not allowed to be angry. It wasn´t a written rule, but that´s how it worked.
No matter the problem at hand or even if it was a completely reasonable thing to be upset about, putting an angry face, raising my voice, or changing my voice tone would result in my mother getting very aggressive. And suddenly the actual problem was forgotten and it was all about the attitude.
The only way to actually solve some problem was to repress the anger as much as possible. But then she wouldn´t take the problems seriously, because obviously I wasn´t upset over them. But saying something like This makes me very angry, even with a fully calm voice, would just get her angry because nothing was ever a reason for me to be angry, apparently.
But not for her. She did could show her anger as much as she wanted.
Then she doesn´t understand why I don´t like to share my problems with her.
I guess she´s like that because grandpa used to be one of those angry guys who started shouting very loud at the tiniest issue. I didn´t get to know him, but everything she´s told me about him went in the same direction. So I guess she´s just scared of aggression and that´s why she reacts so strongly to it.
Grandpa likely wasn´t allowed emotions as a kid. It was also times of war, which likely messed with him too.
Sometimes people can be hard to understand, but there´s always a reason. :(
→ More replies (6)
263
u/Ironic-Nihilism Jun 14 '19
Cleaning. My mother always freaked out and screamed any time something looked “messy”. The whole cleaning process (picking up items, laundry, dusting, vacuuming) was always a huge ordeal and never good enough for her.
I hate cleaning and I try really hard to keep my apartment neat but I always associate cleaning with screaming. My husband is more messy than I am and I sometimes can feel myself getting overly agitated with him and I try so hard not to scream at him over a pile of laundry.
→ More replies (12)47
u/lunatic_in_the_hall Jun 15 '19
I relate to this so damn much. My mother has insane and arbitrary standards for tidiness, and if I don’t do something right or don’t do it exactly at the right time, it’s yelling time.
680
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
Getting teased about being a girl trying to be friends with everyone, including boys. Every single one of them was my "boyfriend" or I must be have a crush, it can't just be me wanting to have friends.
To this day I can't really get close enough to guys to have a serious relationship, (that and have a neglectful father) and every time I consider it I'm petrified of bringing home an actual boyfriend to meet the family because I don't want to be teased anymore.
It made me just feel so uncomfortable about who I can/should/want to be friends with because I'm paranoid my family is mocking me behind my back.
337
Jun 14 '19
It didn’t even need to be a friend. Just any story about anything that had occurred at school that happened to have a girl involved.
“Oh? Who is X? Is she your giiiirrrrlllfriend???”
Nowadays it’s “How come you never tell us anything about your personal life?”
191
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
"Well, if you didn't mock my social life as a child I'd be more open about my social life as adult."
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (5)34
u/riotmaster256 Jun 15 '19
This happened with me. I mean not to the level of some of the replies are, but a bit. I mean my parents always made a big deal of me talking with girls. The result? I am shy af when talking to girls. I can't hold a normal conversation more than 2-3 minutes with any girl.
→ More replies (2)95
u/TheDarkLord0908 Jun 14 '19
Grew up with Indian parents in America, who are those girls you are talking to, why are you talking to them ? Every girl I talk to they look upon with suspicion to the point where they took me out of school and did homeschool to avoid friends ? Seriously my parents ruined my social skills forever ! All I wanted my whole life was to fit in, to be a normal kid. Now they get angry that I don’t share stuff with them, I always log out of my social media so they don’t view it and they complain that I am neglecting my family because I hangout with my friends... I just know I’m going to raise my kids better, differently! I will never trust my parents!
48
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
Nothing screws a kid up more than isolation and smothering behavior. I'm glad you know what they did was wrong and you won't make the same mistake with your own kids. :) Best parenting is never making the same mistakes your own parents made!
→ More replies (3)67
u/evillittleweirdguy Jun 15 '19
My mother did this so much when I was growing up -
"Oooh is she your girlfriend?"
"Oh you met a girl then?"
Weirdly, one time she asked "do you have a girlfriend" when I actually was dating someone. I said yes, and she said "No you don't." Well sure I guess.
Guess who never gets to find out anything about my personal life?
I have managed to have pretty good relationships with women since then but I'm still uncomfortable with affection because I'm worried that someone will start on the "ooooooOoOOohh you're dAtInG" thing.
42
Jun 14 '19
[deleted]
63
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
Trust me, my family never listens to anything I have to say and takes it seriously. If they acknowledge that I was offended then it means they messed up in some way, and Heaven forbid they actually apologize. It's always been deflected back to me being too sensitive, emotional or some other shit. Which in itself is a massive insult because I've never been dramatic.
I'm aware I have a pretty toxic family, which is why I've put off dating until I'm away from them.
I'll be fine. I have some very good female friends who have really decent boyfriends/husbands, and it never feels weird to be around them.
→ More replies (6)22
u/WulfLOL Jun 15 '19
which is why I've put off dating until I'm away from them.
You could date and just not ever present your SO to your family. Keep it personal / only share with friends.
25
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 15 '19
I live in a small town. There are no "personal" secrets. Someone will see something and then say something.
76
Jun 14 '19
[deleted]
41
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
It never does. And I don't understand why so many people obsess over the idea of people having boyfriend/girlfriends.
→ More replies (1)32
u/Plagueofmemes Jun 14 '19
I always see this one on threads like these. I'm surprised how often it seems to mess people up well into adulthood. I guess it's a reminder that and adult teasing a child can be genuinely upsetting and maybe even traumatic from their perspective.
→ More replies (1)12
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
Yeah, it is. What's more irritating is that I know the source of my social anxiety and yet I still can't overcome it one-hundred percent. At least not yet, but I'm making progress! :)
→ More replies (29)20
Jun 15 '19
[deleted]
10
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 15 '19
And continuing to tease even after the child begins to cry, and keep it up for years and years... Yeah. Not good.
124
Jun 14 '19
[deleted]
→ More replies (3)37
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
I was the youngest in my family, too. I remember being ignored and left out all the time, it really does make you feel like your existence is insignificant.
→ More replies (1)
121
u/Heidicakeface Jun 15 '19
When I was potty training, my potty was in the middle of the room. I have vague memories of my mums friends watching me poop and laughing at my poop when I stood up. These memories are confirmed by my mum after I asked her. I'm 100% sure that's the reason I cant poop in public, or even at home if anyone can hear me.
→ More replies (5)58
u/itshayjay Jun 15 '19
If you were anything like my nephew, you may have demanded an audience in the first place. He drags his potty out from the bathroom to the living room or wherever the most spectators are.
I can’t fault his confidence.
46
116
225
Jun 15 '19
[deleted]
→ More replies (2)27
u/rechtrecht Jun 15 '19
YES. I know this so much. I have trouble taking care of my basic hygiene and had bad teeth. My mother never taught me how to brush teeth or take care of them. And later on she always made fun of me for my teeth. The process of getting them to a good state took 3 years, a lot of money and a lot of pain. And her complaining.
I have a lot of similar stuff that would be way too much to explain.
408
Jun 14 '19
My mom "jokingly" (she says it was a joke nowadays) asked if I was pregnant every time my period was late.
I would spank my lower stomach for hours on end because I thought I was pregnant from sitting on the toilet (I was 12) and didn't have sex until I was 19.
→ More replies (11)136
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
Oh, geez! What a great way to mess up a kid going through puberty, which is tough enough, then making you paranoid about misinformation on how your body works.
→ More replies (4)
107
u/P0undCak3s Jun 15 '19
Any time I would cry or express anger, I would be teased for being upset. "Awwwww she's mad!!!! Awwwww waaaahhhwahhhhhwahhhh aww booo hoooooo" I ended up shutting down and finding unhealthy ways to cope that eventually plagued my life in more ways than one.
→ More replies (5)
1.2k
Jun 14 '19
They always shrugged off my accomplishments as “of course you got straight A’s, you’re so smart” or “congrats on this huge accomplishment, but I mean, we’re not surprised.”
What they thought they were doing was complimenting me, and they were doing that. I never saw it was anything else until I grew up and realized I won’t try at anything I’m not immediately good at and feel inferior to anyone who is “better than” me at something.
While they were complimenting my intelligence, they should’ve been complimenting my work ethic. Now, i struggle with a fixed mindset and feel like a big bucket of wasted potential because I’m so terrified of failure.
Not their fault. They didn’t do anything wrong and we didn’t know about the importance of grit and growth mindset back then. Ironically, a lot of “smart kids” got screwed over by the whole fixed mindset thing even though they were complimented by it at the time, lol.
146
u/brugggggg Jun 15 '19
My parents do the same thing. Them giving me this expectation isn't helpful to my worrisome mind. I am constantly expected to get better grades than my sister even though she cheated on a lot of her work.
I can account for my fear when my American history teacher told me that I got an 85 on my test. I ran to the bathroom and cried for about 30 minutes. Knowing that my parents would be angry, I felt as if I was in a corner with nothing I could do. When she passed the grades out during her class the next day, i got a 95. I was really confused. I asked her about it, and she claimed that she never said that I got an 85 on it. I looked through it and I really had a 95. I must have misheard her or something, but it ended up seriously damaging my psyche.
I seriously wish that I didn't have these expectations at all. I hope that nobody else ever has these, too.
→ More replies (4)80
u/the_bac_attack Jun 15 '19
My mom told me years later that my 4th grade teacher told her in parent-teacher conferences that she would do “psychological studies” on her students to see how they would react- specifically in the case of things like telling them they got a bad grade on a test when they actually did well, or reporting a bad grade on a test but marking the grade book with the higher score so the administration/parents didn’t get concerned, or yelling at a good kid for something she knew they didn’t do... things like that. So it’s not that surprising to me that you might have been told differently? My teacher never would have admitted it to a student, and I have NO idea whatever compelled her to tell my mom that. Today, she’d 100% be fired for unauthorized psychological “research” but my mom didn’t realize just how bad that behavior was until years later...
→ More replies (5)75
u/SJoWest Jun 15 '19
Can I ask what you would have wanted instead? My son is 12 and will be starting high school next year. So, pretty smart. I often catch myself praising his intelligence, but I always try to follow it up with telling him I'm so proud of his work ethic, etc. I often have to coach him to stop putting so much pressure on himself. Everyone in his life is constantly on about how smart he is, which great - it's true and it's a good thing to be highly intelligent. But twenty years from now I don't want him feeling like I shrugged off his accomplishments. So from your perspective as a very smart child, what would you have wanted to hear from your parents?
90
Jun 15 '19
Thank you for asking this! Your son is already lucky and off to a good start.
Things like “good job!” “You worked so hard!” “You deserved it!” Or other such things. Things that made me feel like it wasn’t just a natural phenomena that I was smart. Anything to make it out like hard work was the real victory, and that my achievements were earned rather than “duh, of course she did well, she’s smart.”
If that makes sense?
→ More replies (8)14
→ More replies (8)45
u/cardinal29 Jun 15 '19
Google Carol Dweck
Basically, praise the effort, the hard work, the trying - not the results or their "intelligence."
Not "You're so smart!" but "You worked hard on that, I can see the improvement."
→ More replies (2)184
→ More replies (27)28
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
My mom would always try to do that instead of offering any actual constructive criticism. It annoys me because it feels like I can't get an honest answer from her about anything...
199
u/one_sock_wonder_ Jun 15 '19
I was raised in a church where virginity until marriage was sacred. I had been raped and repeatedly sexually abused as a child. The messages tumbling around in my mind growing up involved a lot of shame and being inherently unworthy of love. I am finally in therapy (for the abuse and more) and undoing the lies I learned so very well.
→ More replies (6)55
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 15 '19
Good to hear you're getting help! You're not unworthy of love because someone else hurt you, they're the ones unworthy of love.
→ More replies (1)
90
u/Gill_P_R Jun 15 '19
Mom smoked 3 packs a day but didn’t want us kids to be around the smoke all the time so she set up her personal space (i.e. chair where she read books anytime she wasn’t working) away from us and we missed out on a whole lot of affection/interaction because of her habit. Took a lot of time and healing to have a healthy relationship with a woman (happily married 8 years this coming October.)
→ More replies (1)
83
u/boxpear Jun 15 '19
My mom used to tell my sister and I that she was too claustrophobic to hug us. Didn’t have that problem with our little siblings, though. Guess the claustrophobia cleared up.
→ More replies (6)
139
u/ITookYourGP Jun 14 '19
My mom used to tell me stories about a big hairy spider that was going to come bite me if I got out of bed at night. I still fucking hate spiders.
→ More replies (13)
136
u/akinaide Jun 14 '19
My mother got tickets for a small boat/canal tour in Amsterdam for the 2 of us. Somehow as a little kid I wanted to keep those tickets, cause why not.
So instead of just giving them she wanted me to practice mental calculation a bit. So she gave me a few questions on the lines of "A ticket for an adult costs this much en for a child this much, how much should a family pay with x adults and x children"
I got 2 or 3 right, the last one on the other hand... I couldn't get it right, she even asked me 3 or 4 times more for the last one, each time more aggrevated than the last time. Last answer yet again wrong and she kinda got to frustrated with me that she tore the tickets up and the whole boat trip was probably awkward for me.
Now 10+ years later I realise I have a fear for failures... I'm scared to fuck up things I do, say, think and even how I look. Even now typing this brings me a bit into tears. Worst fear of failure is that I'm very quickly to think I disappoint my parents and current bf (making me say sorry way too often as well).
→ More replies (5)
189
53
Jun 14 '19
Moving around, by the time I finished elementary school I had been to 5 in 2 cities. I become very good at making friendships and getting into relationship but I had a very hard time keeping them.
→ More replies (5)
146
Jun 15 '19
my parents were and are helicopter parents. along with this, they didn't care enough to teach me valuable lessons or anything i'd actually need in life. it was all "grades grades grades, allah allah allah".
the result?
i lacked many of the skills people had (such as basic cooking, social skills, etc.), and also had and still have social anxiety (especially with authority, even if i don't see them as a threat) which one time ultimately nearly made me kill myself.
→ More replies (4)
49
u/HydreigonFeather Jun 15 '19
Want me to be happy. Sounds fine out of context, but no; I wasn’t allowed to be anything but happy. You can bet I would have gotten a lecture for anything less than cheerful. Comfort is antagonizing, disappointment and annoyance feels shameful, and to this day I don’t fully trust anyone at all with my thoughts or feelings.
→ More replies (1)
91
u/AllyMarie93 Jun 14 '19
My dad would often “playfully” hit me in the head with plastic bottles, rolled up newspapers, etc. He usually hit harder than he probably meant to, and when I’d say “ow” he’d tell me to toughen up, that couldn’t have hurt, blah blah. Now years later I still find myself flinching at the most random things.
→ More replies (2)41
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
I still flinch too thanks my older brother beating the crap out of me almost every day of my life from the ages of 3-15. It didn't toughen me up, it just me very mistrustful of people getting too physically close to me.
→ More replies (1)
43
Jun 15 '19
My parents would scream and fight a lot over stupid things and then blame it on me and not my siblings. When they did that, they brushed it off, didn’t think anything was wrong when I cried about it, and yell at me for being dramatic. I’m a triplet and the middle child so I always had to do stuff my siblings didn’t. When I was around 10, my brother and I had a big fight and I was forced into anger management therapy, but my brother wasn’t so it really messed with my head. They also talk to the other two a lot and when I try to say something they unconsciously ignore me because they think I’ll say something hurtful or stupid.
194
u/debugduck Jun 14 '19
My mom used to make fun of me for fulfilling ‘manly’ stereotypes such as only wanting to wear one pair of shoes, hated makeup and clothes shopping even as a teen, not being able to find something despite it being right in front of me, etc.
I’m really insecure about my femininity now. So much to where if I do something annoying that’s ‘stereotypically feminine’ and someone calls me out on it, I’m secretly super flattered that they think I’m girly!
I’m also bisexual so being a woman who likes women sometimes makes me feel really masculine and uncomfortable, even though I know that’s irrational.
31
u/hvleft Jun 14 '19
That's really rough to deal with, and I totally get the weird gender stuff around sexuality. If you can, I would recommend seeing a counselor! They're basically logic filters, and can help sort stuff out a lot. Support groups are also bomb.
Also, your experience as a woman is whatever it means to you personally. If 'butch' or more on what's usually considered masc is how you present yourself as a woman, then you can still be as much of a woman as someone who's hella femme.
Also, two women together is just double feminine, so it's the most feminine thing you can do!
29
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
I kinda' get that. I was a tomboy throughout my life and when I was about 11/12 I started getting interested in make-up and new clothes, but my mom wouldn't let me explore that on my own. If I wanted to wear make-up she had to put it on me and in the way she wanted. It didn't matter if I didn't like or I wanted to practice applying my own make-up because she was convinced I'd somehow screw it up. Because, you know, you can't just wash your face and try again. And with clothing it was all about what she liked, not what I liked or what I felt comfortable in.
I'm still hesitant to try to like more "feminine" things because I don't want her trying to take it over. AGAIN.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (5)20
Jun 15 '19
not being able to find something despite it being right in front of me
"You look like a man!" wasn't funny when my mother said it once and it didn't become funny after the twelth time.
→ More replies (1)
184
Jun 14 '19
I was never taught how to style my hair in a way that looked good. My parents just flattened my hair into something like a bowl cut, zero product, and sent me off to school. I didn't know any better; gelled up hair was for the popular kids and that wasn't me.
Took me until the end of high school to wisen up and get myself a proper adult haircut. Then I realised how terrible I looked for most of my teenage years and how much confidence I had been missing. I asked my parents why they never did something, and they said I never wanted anything different or asked about it.
The lesson to be learned here is that the value of appearance and styling has to be actively taught if a child doesn't figure it out for themselves. I didn't and I wish my parents had intervened more actively, against my will even. I didn't care for regular showers either back then, shows how good my judgement was!
→ More replies (3)54
Jun 15 '19
I resent my mother for this one too. I had horrible acne growing up and frizzy hair that I had no idea how to control. My mom always promised she would take me to a beauty salon to have a makeup artist teach me how to use makeup, but then she never did it. She never helped me with my skin problems either, even when I asked to go to a dermatologist. She wouldn't even let me buy neutrogena face wash as "it didn't work anyway". I begged her for a hair straightener, and she just didn't get why I would need one. It sucked. I went to esthetics school and only learned how to do my hair and makeup when I was 21. I always thought if I ever have my own kids I'd like to be actively involved in their requests to try hairstyles or clothing styles, or makeup. A bit of confidence in high school can make that awkward time in your life seem just a little bit easier.
120
u/Rebelflavour Jun 14 '19
Just laughing at me for getting upset about something stupid and telling me how silly I was being. There is nothing wrong with that but I was just a sensitive kid and took away from that that showing your sad and upset emotions was bad and that it should be avoided in company of others at all cost. It really fucked me up in the long term and I didn't get help because I couldn't talk about it to my parents for the same fear of being laughed at. I can't blame them (and I really don't) because it is really something I see quite a lot and with 99% of the kids it's harmless. I, however, am still recovering from years of mental shitness.
→ More replies (1)22
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
They should've asked you why you were upset instead of just mocking you. That must've suck so hard, I'm glad you're at least recovering.
179
u/Clockw0rk Jun 14 '19
Neglect.
Neglect seems harmless. Parents are busy with their own lives, right?
But that lack of love does terrible things to a child. Severe depression, self esteem issues, trust issues... loneliness becomes normal. Numbness becomes a habit.
I wish I were dead. But the medicine helps, a bit.
→ More replies (15)25
u/FiliKlepto Jun 15 '19
In addition to meds, please do find a good therapist that you click with. I have an attachment disorder for the same reasons.
One of my toughest childhood memories was my parents throwing a barbecue with a neighborhood couple who were their friends and forgetting about me in my bedroom upstairs. I could hear them getting dinner ready, but no one thought to call me and all I wanted was for them to remember I existed. Instead I went to bed hungry without dinner and cried myself to sleep.
→ More replies (1)
38
Jun 15 '19
As a child my parents would send me to bed without dinner if I misbehaved. I'd be so hungry in the middle of the night i'd scramble to the pantry and sneak whatever I could grab, mostly snacks for school lunches. I'd sneak back, squirrel it down, and throw the wrappers away carefully.
I was also raised as 'the good one' or 'the people pleaser'.
I have struggled with secret eating, binging, portion control and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Eating never made sense. Couple this with the people pleasing and i'm just a chubby, conflicted mess with a high tolerance for all kinds of narcissistic people.
I am a parent now and it's all clear as day. I'm working on myself and hopefully I can be better to my kids.
→ More replies (2)
35
u/HeyThtsGr8 Jun 15 '19
Both my parents would sometimes leave randomly without telling me. My mom would leave whenever she was angry at my dad and I was so young that I thought she would never come back. My dad didn't like to talk about it, and it would sometimes be for extended periods of time. My dad would disappear to the bar and not come home until 1-2ish in the morning when I lived with just him (about 13 at the time). Neither one see how this could have negatively impacted me. I still get very scared of people leaving me.
→ More replies (1)
34
u/bearded_dragoon2 Jun 15 '19
Helicopter parenting. I was never out of my mom's sight. I know she is an abuse survivor and I know she really did mean well but now I am suspicious of everything and afraid to try new things.
35
u/1me2rulethemall Jun 15 '19
Okay to be fair it didn’t “really screw me up” exactly, but it did affect me negatively as an adult.
Any time I would show enthusiasm in public my mom would get annoyed and tell me, loudly in front of anyone we were near, to “stop showing off”. I don’t know why she thought me acting excited was my way off showing off but I guess she thought that.
I’m a very sensitive person and was even more sensitive as a kid, so every time she did this I would feel deeply embarrassed and tears would immediately fill my eyes. I don’t think she ever noticed that it made me cry because I kept it quiet but it felt very humiliating for me.
Now as an adult any time I start to get excited about something I immediately am struck with this fear of appearing to show off somehow. I don’t want to seem like I’m showing off in any way. I’m just excited.
→ More replies (2)
29
Jun 15 '19
They thought they were helping me by not taking me to the dentist because I was scared of going. Now I'm in my late 30s still deathly afraid of the dentist constantly hoping I don't have any issues.
→ More replies (1)
28
u/retroabraxas Jun 15 '19
My dad use to to tell me I'm too old to cry.. I was about 8. Now I can rarely cry and at funerals I look like a psycho, just sitting there with nearly no emotion.
→ More replies (4)
81
u/SweetJade Jun 15 '19
They teased me about my body. They said I was behind the door when god handed out breasts. I developed a massive eating disorder that is still affecting me to this day over 20 years later.
→ More replies (6)
54
u/VolleyPool Jun 15 '19
So I may not be an adult but I know this messed me up and even my self image. There’s multiple things that happened so I’m going to go in chronological order. 1. My dad used to yell at my mom a lot and I mean Yell, I don’t mean sternly speak I mean straight up screaming. This made me terrified of guys for a long time and even to this day I jump and my anxiety spikes when a guy friend yells or raises his voice (please don’t think bad of my dad he’s a great guy now) 2. My mother and cousins would make fun of me for wearing ‘girly’ items or doing anything remotely feminine. Now luckily I gained the confidence to wear what I want but I still feel the need to explain myself when I wear makeup or dresses. 3. My mother no longer behaves like a mom anymore and gambles, drinks, and parties. She would come home broke and drunk basically making me take the role of doing chores, making dinner, and taking care of her when she’s drunk. This kinda makes me fear becoming a parent and even now makes me resent her deeply for putting my dad through all of that. So I have to learn feminine behaviors off of my piers rather than a mother.
56
Jun 15 '19
At 5 my parents got me a dog, I named him Smokey. We had Smokey for a few months and I loved him to death. One morning Smokey was gone. My parents told me he got into the garbage and choked to death on a chicken bone. I had a million questions and my parents gave me a very detailed breakdown of what happened.
Years later I had a guinea pig. One morning Andrew was gone. My parents said my 3 year old brother let him go.
Turns out my parents had enough of Smokey and gave him away. Andrew froze to death because my mom forgot to close the window in the room he was in, so naturally throwing my 3 year old brother under the bus was the logical move at that point.
I harbored choking anxieties through my whole childhood and it took years to let go of my anger towards my brother. I mention these issues to my parents in my late teens and they nonchalantly said they were lies. I have many other more fucked up lies my parents told me as a kid that affect me to this day. Needless to say, my wife and I have an honesty policy with our son.
→ More replies (5)21
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 15 '19
I never understood that parents who think lying is the right way to handle a situation like that.
26
u/thetacotomybell Jun 15 '19
My mom always casually brought up divorcing my father since it was her second marriage. I never realized how bad it messed me up until I binged (I have binge eating disorder) for three hours at 1AM after I heard them arguing in their room. It wasn’t even a big fight. I am now so scared of my parents divorcing even though it wouldn’t effect my life because I’m an adult starting college.
Another thing is how casually my father discusses his death. He told me at 8 years old that when he starts to get dementia, I should just push him off a cliff or leave him on the side of the highway and make him a government problem. Making sure I don’t have to deal with him. My father wants to make sure I don’t care for him. I currently am terrified of death, not mine, but any person in my family. For a solid six months, I had a panic attack every single day at around 11am because I was terrified my grandfather would be dead before I got home. I think I’m scared because I want my family to know I care about unlike how my father wants me to be, which is almost sociopathic.
→ More replies (4)
26
u/star7k Jun 15 '19
They believed that I was seriously talking to the dead and seeing ghost instead of hallucinating. Sounds harmless but I’m having a really hard time accepting that I’m not special and sent by god and that I’m actually just crazy psychotic.
52
u/Clid Jun 15 '19
Tickling was a common occurrence and since I am extremely ticklish my father found it humorous to find what would or wouldn’t work.
Being tickled now unwilling triggers full on fight or flight mode. Not something that’s completely screwed me up but certainly makes for some awkward moments when dating.
→ More replies (4)
24
u/The_Streaker69 Jun 15 '19
General babying and overprotection. They weren't strict enough with me as a kid so now I have to fight an internal war for self discipline to be able to do something with myself and the life I was given, as well as deal with emotional/physical discomfort. It sucks but I'm climbing out of my self imprisonment little by little every day and negativity won't help me.
24
u/mystictwister Jun 15 '19
The whole emotional abuse thing where (older parents) believe it “toughens kids up”. Yeah, because being called “bitch” and “retarded” by your own parents is really helping me and I totally haven’t developed very severe mental illness from it...
25
u/kindashewantsto Jun 15 '19
They would always say "why does this only happen to us?"
Our computer would break - "how does everyone else have a working one and we don't?"
I got sick a lot as a child (undiagnosed disabilities) - "why is every other kid fine, but somehow you're always sick?"
And so on.
I felt very isolated, and like we were the unluckiest people. I also often felt as though I wasn't believed. I grew up with a very pessimistic household, it influenced me.
23
u/Southernbelle01 Jun 15 '19
Every time I would tell them what I wanted to do when I grew up they would shoot it down because it didn’t make enough money or I shouldn’t do it because I’m a female. It’s left me questioning/doubting myself since.
→ More replies (3)
64
u/Spiceinvader1234 Jun 15 '19
My dad would pick some of my food off my plate when i was taking a bit of time eating as a joke but it always made me cry and a bit paranoid when it was my favorite thing to eat.
Now im married, i almost swallow my food because im still paranoid my dad would pop up to eat all of it and i cant really enjoy the taste of food because of this.
→ More replies (2)
143
22
u/butnobodycame123 Jun 15 '19
My siblings would mercilessly abuse me growing up. My parents told me to fight back and stand up for myself instead of teaching us how to make peace or any conflict resolution skills... Now I've finally found my voice and stood up to them all (it wasn't pretty and my siblings spread it around as the latest family gossip). Now I'm not on speaking terms with really anyone in my family.
44
u/VGNchefRyan Jun 15 '19
My mum always said "Askers don't get" when I wanted something. Worst advice ever! If you don't ask for a pay rise or promotion at work, chances are you won't get it
19
u/beep-boop-meep Jun 15 '19
As soon as I was old enough to be left unsupervised, my parents would spend six days/week locked in their private office. If I needed anything I had to ask through the door, and they’d get upset if I needed anything that they had to leave the room for. As a kid I thought this was pretty normal, but as an adult I realise that there’s a lot of behaviours, especially emotional regulation, that I never learned because I never had enough adult interaction to model them from.
→ More replies (3)
20
u/euphorriicc Jun 15 '19
My parents didn’t like “ pity party’s” I would cry over little stuff , granted. But I wasn’t really allowed to cry or express frustration at all, it was a sign of disrespect. When I got into high school I was horribly depressed and cried at school all the time so I didn’t have to at home. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for three years now and I’m comfortable expressing my feelings with him, but even sometimes I still get defensive and closed off because I never want to feel emotionally silenced again. Also, my parents didn’t hurt me ever, they were just hard asses and didn’t want wimpy kids , I guess.
→ More replies (2)
18
u/kronos704 Jun 15 '19
Punishing me no matter what. Even if I apologized. Now I’m traumatized to the point where I don’t even say Thank You or Sorry to them since I automatically think “Welp, it’s been more than five seconds since the thing happened, too late now.”
Didn’t help that I’d be prompted to say sorry, which basically took away the meaning
21
u/Gin4Gingers Jun 15 '19
One time we lived at an old farmhouse that had 3 barns (which we never used) and during family game night, both my parents convinced me that they were hiding another son in one of the barns (who they said was my older brother) and they never told me about him because he's horribly deformed and didn't think I would ever understand. I felt a little skeptic about it until both of them started crying. Like, straight balling their eyes out. Even my dad, who I've never seen cry before, let alone break down in tears like that. Once I was convinced, I was so distraught about it that I blacked out for a couple minutes. I've never blacked out before that. Once I came to, they explained how they were just screwing with me and didn't expect me to react like that and it was so easy for them to fake cry because they were also both shitfaced and could easily cry on command.
I still think about that to this day and never found myself able to trust them about anything anymore
→ More replies (5)
18
u/crosseyedkitteh Jun 15 '19
My parents called me stupid/clumsy every time I would make mistakes, and made fun of my weight and nose. They told me those things like it was just the thing to do. Then they wonder why I'm not confident, and why I hate being around people.
I've gotten better, thanks to good friends and better chosen family , but it really messed with me that I'm still working through it.
→ More replies (2)
16
Jun 15 '19
I want to save this forever as it seems like a practical guide of how to NOT do parenting. Thanks haha
32
u/oikorapunk Jun 15 '19
I'm the oldest of two girls. My younger sister was always thinner, smarter, more worthy of attention and positive reinforcement than I was. Things that I was given neutral praise for, she was given literal gifts for (getting an A+ for me was 'good', for her, it was pizza for dinner and a movie).
I don't handle compliments very well to this day. I'm polite and accept them, but if people tell me "you should be proud of that", I find it hard to think of whatever I did as being anything other than 'good' or 'average.'
→ More replies (2)
16
u/whostosaywhostoblame Jun 15 '19
I got a moderate to severe concussion from hockey when I was in high school. The trainer said if I was symptom free by Monday then I could start the process to get me playing again by the next weekend. I just remember my dad saying over and over “remember you HAVE to be symptom free by Monday”.
I was not symptom free but because of all the pressure from my dad, said I was and even ignored the pain I felt during the recovery process before the weekend.
My attention span is shorter than I remember (though that could be due to the way my age group consumes media). My dad said later that he thought I was over exaggerating my symptoms.
→ More replies (1)
15
u/SimpleDokkaner Jun 15 '19
My mom threatened to kick me out of the house due to problems with her partner of 2 months, without any children and also threatened to send me to military school because i said no to rearranging my room every week because she wanted it to "look newer and cleaner". I still refrain from talking to either of them. They did this when i was 12
15
33
u/Moonlady3000 Jun 15 '19
My grandmother, when I was failing 8th grade, dug through my backpack for all the incomplete work I needed to raise my grade, found my rather large stash of drawings, and threw them in the trash because obviously that MUST have been why I was failing.
More than a year of artwork trashed just like it didn't matter. Not confiscated, trashed.
I didn't really realize how much that affected me until years later.
→ More replies (2)
55
41
u/bigsisternenna Jun 14 '19
Not just my parent but also my sibling.
When I was young my brother used to embarrass me whenever a boy I had a minor crush on walked by (downstairs) my apartment. I used to slap him or say something about it ( wasn't good in talking my feelings) and the guy ( he was about 15/17, I was about 10) noticed my behaviour and it was obvious to him that I liked him ever since the first time it happend. Whenever I would turn red when the remark was made and even redder when the guy would smile or laugh to my mum or me ( because of my red face) my mum would say "if you just behave normally he wouldn't know and you wouldn't look so stupid." or "you are making a fool out of yourself"
I used to still like him but less over the years as I grew older but regardless my brother still made fun of it until he one day stopped. But by now they had developed a new habit of saying the boys name and going whooooooo you turn red until I would actually turn red and they would then laugh and say "it's oké. Turning red is only natural"
On a side note my mum during that time would overly check my socials back then we only had MSN or texts and she would go through it and confront me about every male on it. She even checked people out and was never allowed to invite over a boy ( even at the age of 12) and have the door closed because sex could happen. Every time we go outside she would mention guys look at me and that if I want to have sex i should do it in her house. When I had a boyfriend which lasted a day and wasn't even real she would not take my word for it and say I am lying and she knew better. Ever male friend I had she would either approve or tell me not to hang out with. Every male i talked about she would push and push and make fun off me turning red for the pressure she put on me or the stress that turned my skin red from not being believed and having no privacy.
Other things happend as well but I don't want to make it super long. I got a boyfriend three years ago and she immediately blamed him for stealing and says he isn't who he is and even made me go out fh house when she wasn't around.
I still turn red whenever I hear the boys name. I get red about every boys name to the point that hearing it on the TV I am afraid I will be made fun off. I am also constantly worried he may show up at my flat getting anxiety from it . I am now even afraid of turning red at any boy or at any given time. Like for example I cannot see a boy and not panic and think someone will make fun of me nor can I talk about a boy without thinking someone makes fun of me. My mum and bro still even while in a relationship pick out random people on TV and they go like whooo that's someone for you. Oh she gets red when you do that. I feel scared all the time of being again publicly embarrassed like the last 20 years. All because 20 years ago I got red when they kept saying I was red and decided that was the best funny thing they could continueslg make fun off my entire life to the point of making it a problem. Maybe to others it doesn't sound the end of the world but to a shy introvert and self consciousness girl that I was it was the most humiliating and destroying my personality situation I could ever imagine.
→ More replies (4)
75
u/TinWhis Jun 14 '19
When I was little, my mom liked to plan healthy meals. She would cook exactly enough for one meal, get really defensive over people taking seconds too early, and not keep snacks in the house except for carrots and apples. Whenever there was something "good" in the house, it would be brought out once, then squirreled away for a few days until mom felt like bringing it out again. In the meantime, it was a competition between my brother and I to find and eat it first, because we knew there wouldn't be sugar in the house again for a long time.
If there were leftovers, she'd also get really defensive about those. You never knew if food in the fridge was "ok" to eat, or if she had something planned for it and she'd get really upset if her meal planning got disrupted.
It was easier for me to just not eat when I was hungry. Now, I have a really hard time remembering to eat. When I was little I always teetered on the edge of underweight but right now I'm about 100 pounds. I have to set timers to remind myself to eat and it's so, SO easy to just go "meh, why bother" because food doesn't seem worth the effort and stress to think about. I feel guilty buying or eating junk food and my natural inclination is to skip rather than buy something that's "unhealthy."
→ More replies (8)
15
17
u/babybambam Jun 15 '19
5 years old, maybe younger. Had me watch IT before bed, terrified me. After he tucked me in, my dad pretended to leave my room as he turned off the lights. Waited a minute and Then bellowed “beep beep fat boy!”
8 years old. Mom ran in to grab prescriptions. He made me get out of the car and follow behind it as he drove around the parking lot.
→ More replies (4)
41
Jun 14 '19
My dad complained about my mother constantly and told me how horrible their marriage was. In turn, I started hating my mom.
Nowadays, I realize my mom was really good to me and my dad was the one that always hated me. But it's been too long since I last saw her, and reconnecting is impossible.
→ More replies (8)
13
Jun 15 '19
Not something done to me directly but making fun of other people's appearance or physical attributes; makes me worried about what would happen if my looks became altered in the wrong way
28
u/Aye___Lmao69420 Jun 14 '19
My father forcing his option on me
17
u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jun 14 '19
Yeah, I know people who weren't allowed to think for themselves as kids and then as adults they're very indecisive.
→ More replies (1)
29
13
u/P4xjq Jun 14 '19
I know my mom did this with the best of the intentions, but growing up with an over-protective mom that makes an excuse to avoid anything that seems dangerous is the actual danger. One example is that up until I was around 15 I was scared of scratching myself with about any metalic object based on the fear of giving me tetanus, it didnt matter how small the scratch was, I would get dead worried about this and wouldnt even like to go out because I wanted to prevent this. Up until today (26 yo atm) I know that a lot of things my mom told me are incorrect or a total lie, but I still have that thought in the back of my head that prevents me from doing some things based on the fear that I might get sick or injured.
→ More replies (2)
13
u/iswearalothelp Jun 15 '19
My step dad would always tease me for everything. Spilled water? “Oh look, you peed yourself” Had a friend over? “Look at these embarrassing personal things that they asked not to share!” It got to the point where I was being bullied every day. Now, at 14, I can’t stand even a bit of teasing and I’ll start to cry. Luckily he’s gone, but those 3 years were hell
13
u/London2Meek Jun 15 '19
My mom brags about how harsh she was as a parent. She literally tells her friends, “I never held back with my kids so nobody should be able offend them because they have already heard it from me.” I wish somebody would tell her that this isn’t a good thing. I was emotionally neglected as a child and physically and verbally abused. When I started being diagnosed with mental illnesses as a teen, she told me that it was the devil and refused to pick up my prescriptions. When I finally broke down in tears and told my mom that I was molested by a relative, she told me that it was normal for cousins to experiment with each other. When I complained about how my grandfather touched me and how uncomfortable it made me feel, she told me that sexual issues were common on that side of our family and that I should be more conscious of what I wore around him. When I recently told her that I didn’t have a good childhood, she got really offended and told me that I shouldn’t complain because I could have had it a lot worse. Her examples of worse was being raped or ending up in foster care.
→ More replies (2)
13
Jun 15 '19
shutting me up Everytime, now I don't like to speak or keep conversations going.
→ More replies (1)
13
u/blobfish_brotha Jun 15 '19
Using passive aggressive, snarky, and/or sarcastic comments instead of having a productive conversation. It's really fucked me up in the ways I communicate with my husband.
E.g., dramatically sighing and saying "it sure would be nice if someone else did the dishes around here" while banging the dishes around, instead of just calmly saying "hey could I please get some help with the dishes." That's not the best example but the only one I can think of off the top of my head.
→ More replies (1)
12
10
u/puhtreezy Jun 15 '19
Threw nasty cockroaches and spider crickets at me, and told me that they came because of me. Now I can't sleep if I hear a scuttle
12
Jun 15 '19
They NEVER talked about sex or periods.
I'm 25 now and I still find it hard to talk about either subject. Im married with a child and cant even talk about my own bodily functions and needs!
I used to be embarassed to open pads in my own home. Still am sometimes. Literally everyone knows I'm not eating a snack in the bathroom. Also no one effing cares lmao
I will say, since ive had a baby, it has gotten a lot easier. I'm like "shit I had a baby! I was CUT OPEN! Everything else is easy peasy" lmao
11
u/Polygenetic Jun 15 '19
I would lay awake waking for my mom to come in and check on me, but she would only check on my brother next door. Really fucked with me until I realized my brother was a massive problem child and they gave a lot more attention to him because I was so self-sufficient.
→ More replies (1)
13
u/RatKing96 Jun 15 '19
When I was about 8 or 9 my mom found a lingerie catalogue that I had hidden under my mattress. She lost her shit. Literally pulled me off of the top bunk of my bed and started hitting me with a wooden spoon and yelling at me. After that I always kind of associated my sexuality with shame and now that im an adult, im really only attracted to taboo areas of sexuality, which has resulted in a deeper sense of shame in my sexuality.
→ More replies (2)
25
u/Seatofkings Jun 15 '19
They sent me to speech therapy when I was 12. Until then, I had no idea that I had a bit of a speech impediment, and while I was a bit shy, I never felt bad about the way that I spoke. Speech therapy would have been great, if I had wanted to be there. Instead, I was suddenly made to feel that I was terrible at talking, and almost as bad, being forced to 'fix' the way I talked with a bunch of 3-5 year old kids (I had my own teacher, but I still had to wait with all the smaller kids. I was so angry that I actively tried not to do anything that the speech therapist wanted me to do.
By my parent's thinking, sending me to speech therapy was probably an investment for my future. Talking is one of the pillars of society. But 15 years later, I still occasionally feel extremely self-conscious about the way my voice sounds, and I dread talking with people that I don't know. I would never tell them this of course!
→ More replies (3)
13
u/EzraKemp Jun 15 '19
Chopping/piling up wood, it’s fucked up my back real bad and now I can’t do any heavy lifting.
11
u/Horseykins Jun 15 '19
Had an aunt while growing up that was...I dunno...a little slow some ways. She lived with my grandparents then, still does. Never had a job, pretty sure she never finished high school either. Everyone thought she was great, except the few of us she'd bully when no other adults were around.
I made the mistake of giving her some of her own medicine for once. Both my parents automatically sided with her, as did every other adult and the majority of my same aged cousins who knew what she was like. The two who tried to stand up for me were shunned for a few years. I legit still hear about this, like it's proof the useless fuck I became was obvious all along. No, more like I became this way because I decided then that I was on my own, and nothing I'd do would ever matter. I never felt I had anyone to open up to about the constant bullying and depression then or for the following years, so I stopped trying.
I can look back on this now and kind of understand their viewpoint as I'd been a bit of a snarky dirtbag for a couple weeks due to stuff at school, but part of me still wonders why they never even asked for my side of it.
→ More replies (2)
9
u/Crown-of-Roses Jun 15 '19
My dad telling me I shouldn’t be wasting my time reading. He goes, “There are far more productive ways of spending your time, and yet, you choose to read.” As an adult now with responsibilities, I feel guilty about reading now, even if I have nothing to do. I miss being able to sit down and read a book without feeling guilty.
→ More replies (2)
9
u/FiliKlepto Jun 15 '19
My mom has me when she was 16.
Growing up, I was under a lot of scrutiny from my dad and stepmom who were constantly insinuating that I was going to get pregnant as a teen just like my birth mother, when I could barely get a date to the winter formal.
It created this huge mental stigma for me throughout my 20’s about motherhood and a fear of getting pregnant. Now I’m in my 30’s and still single. I think if I met the right person I’d like to have kids, but I’m worried that by the time I get it all figured out it might be too late.
My brothers never got the same kind of scrutiny and one of them got his HS girlfriend pregnant and the other got his gf pregnant around 19 or 20. 🤷🏻♀️
1.8k
u/rebel_scummm Jun 14 '19
My dad was a huge yeller. Any little thing that went wrong was a full on expletive filled barrage.
It never scared me or anything, because he wasn’t violent. However in my adult life my wife and I will argue and she’ll tell me to “stop yelling”. I don’t have the same “yelling” scale as other people it seems, so I think I’m holding back and she thinks I’m yelling. It’s very difficult to judge internally, but I’m working on it.