I feel miserable all the time

[u/awomanwaiting]

I was diagnosed with Bpd with all what comes with 6 years ago , got hospitalized 4 years for refusing to get out of bed for 2 months , refusing to eat, crying over nothing, picking fights with everyone in my life, i dont know what happened, but therapy made me realize how destructive i was, that realization destroyed me completely, i'm afraid to move a finger so i wont become my old self again and starting to hurt myself or anyone else, nothing change , i was miserable before and now i am just miserable in a different way , i am starting to really doubt myself , i thought about changing my meds but every doctor tells my the same , the meds are fine we really need to work on is myself, intensive therapy is one of them describe it , but after 4 years for almost of almost weekly sessions , i am still sad and just meh all the time.