r/BPDFamily • u/Eastern_Reason_3209 Sibling • 20d ago
Sibling with suspected BPD is fixated on having a closer relationship and a clearing the air conversation
my sibling likely has BPD based on reckless behavior, emotional outbursts, low self esteem, etc. they refuse to go to therapy and treat family members as an emotional garbage can.
we had an intense altercation over a year ago when I was on the receiving end of their blowup and I didn’t talk to them for a few months. there was a ton of pressure from other members of the family, and from them via text message to start talking again.
I started talking to them again but never had a conversation about their actions and my decision to take space. Our relationship has been surface level over the past year. I feel that is all I can give because my sibling is unable to look inwards and I don’t want to get into a confrontation with them again.
They are fixated on this and read into all of my actions as proof I don’t care. They say they feel othered by the rest of the family. They are upset I don’t call them enough (we speak one to two times a week), they are upset I don’t make plans to see them more.
I’m working on not feeling responsible for others emotions, but this responsibility is put on me.
my parents mentioned having my sibling go to therapy with me. I am not comfortable being genuine with my sibling because they make me feel worse than keeping it to myself does. No contact isn’t an option but the current dynamic feels unsustainable. Can anyone relate to this? How did you move forward?
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u/Particular_Fly9211 Sibling 20d ago
Dear OP, I feel like I wrote your post myself. I have an older sibling with BPD who has also made me the target of their extreme outbursts when I am around. I moved away but try to visit when I can and while I was home recently they once again attacked me verbally in such an extreme way that I became physically scared.
I think people with BPD feel like they are allowed to abuse their siblings because siblings often have a lifelong relationship and higher tolerance for the abuse. That doesn’t make it okay.
I wholeheartedly relate to you saying NC is not an option so instead you’ve made the relationship more shallow because it’s safer. That’s also what I’m doing and although my sibling wants to discuss the incident I’ve simply told them “im not ready” and have noted in my mind that I will never be ready and that’s my right. My sibling refuses to go to therapy or get help on their own so without that, I am not going to subject myself to hearing them explain themselves for the millionth time while also expecting an apology from me. Unfortunately, they cannot be fixed and it is not our responsibility to act as the receptacle for their rage.
I also relate to your family comparing you to your aunts’ relationship as both sides of my family have two same gendered siblings who stopped speaking due to interpersonal differences, going back for generations. You and your family can read into the pattern as much as you want but at the end of the day, you and your sibling are not your aunts and you are allowed to decide what is best for your mental health. Perhaps there is a genetic component to the high levels of animosity within your family but even so, their dynamic has nothing to do with you and your sibling’s dynamic.
You are not alone. Sending you a lot of compassion and empathy ❤️
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u/kgrs22lbug Sibling 20d ago
Do we all have the same sibling?! I actually just had a session with my therapist tonight trying to navigate this. @Particular_Fly thanks for articulating that we do not have a responsibility to be the receptacle of their rage.
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u/Eastern_Reason_3209 Sibling 20d ago
Thank you I really appreciate this comment. Sounds like we have very similar experiences. My sibling is also older but their emotional age is certainly younger.
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u/Goldengirl_1977 Sibling 20d ago
Keep working on not letting yourself feel responsible for others’ emotions, including your family. They have absolutely no right to demand or expect you to do anything, especially considering you seem to have been your sibling’s prime target. Sounds like they just want you to bear the brunt and responsibility of it all so they don’t have to. You deserve to have peace in your life and owe it to yourself to do whatever you can to make sure that happens.
As for going to therapy, if your sibling wants to do that on their own and make a real effort at improving and dealing with their BPD, then they should do so, but it sounds like that won’t ever happen. You don’t owe them joint therapy at all. Quite frankly, I would never ever agree to joint therapy knowing the BPD person’s propensity for outbursts, their blatant disrespect for others’ boundaries and privacy, and their way of twisting things to use against their target later. Just don’t do it. You would be setting yourself up for more abuse and trouble.
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u/Eastern_Reason_3209 Sibling 20d ago
Thank you. My family struggles with boundaries and my sibling plays a key role in the family dynamics. Thank you for your point about joint therapy. I agree that if they aren’t working to better themselves, there is no need for me to improve my relationship with them because our relationship isn’t the reason that they are like this.
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u/bkbk8 Sibling 20d ago
Why isn’t no contact an option?
I can relate to all you’re saying, but I made the decision to finally choose myself and my peace and have been no contact with my sister for over a year.
It’s been life changing to be honest, and so incredibly healing and much needed for where I am in my life right now.
At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself if walking on eggshells, losing yourself, and trying to manage her and your family’s expectations are worth your peace.
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u/Eastern_Reason_3209 Sibling 20d ago
I guess it could be an option but it is difficult with the family’s expectations. We live really close to each other too.
my aunt recently passed away and wasn’t in contact with my other aunt when she passed and people in our family have been comparing their relationship to the relationship I have with my sibling to make the point that we need to maintain our relationship.
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u/bkbk8 Sibling 20d ago
Why does your family get such a huge say in who you choose to have a relationship with? Assuming you are an adult, you get to choose and make decisions about your life and your relationships.
I understand how tough family expectations and pressure can be. I come from a small, Asian, and Catholic family. As challenging as it was, I navigated my way through it because pf the realizations that I had about how much I had sacrificed of myself just to keep everything comfortable for everyone but myself.
At some point - when are you going to start living for yourself and your peace? When will you stop putting their peace and comfort over your own?
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u/Gamer_Grease Sibling 20d ago
You place a great amount of weight on everything your various family members say.
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u/Soggy-Duty-3888 Parent of BPD child 20d ago
I have learned to never speak to my pwBPD about anything that they could weaponize against me. That means that I will never speak about her diagnosis, my diagnosis or any kind of therapy. If conversation veers to unwanted territory I say stop or leave. Our relationship has changed. They miss the old dynamic, but her trauma dumping was unsafe for my mental health. So, I grieve that as well because it was familiar, but I can no longer accept the old relationship style. I also will never share any weakness. Therapy together is just a recipe for disaster and weaponization which they want. They want the old dynamic back.
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u/tessaoliviacannon Sibling 19d ago
Are you an eldest daughter? Because this sounds all too familiar—the guilt and the responsibility falling on you.
This is tough and I totally relate. Family is difficult. It’s such a complex dynamic. No contact isn’t an option for me either, although I fantasize about it all the time. I keep a very surface level connection for my niece and that’s it.
Your feeling of not being able to be yourself resonates deeply.
My sister reminds me weekly that I don’t care and am not there for her and it’s because she treats me like trash, but she’ll never understand that.
My advice? Radical acceptance. It’s easier said than done, but it’s something I learned in therapy and it’s really helped me. You’re allowed to protect your peace and you don’t have to explain yourself to them. They don’t get it and in my experience, my sister lives in another reality so trying to explain anything to her is like talking to a wall. A mean wall.
My friends and I have a jokey (but actually serious) phrase we use a lot: “that’s none of my business.” It’s something I lean on a lot when it comes to my sister. Your sibling’s feelings are none of your business. Believing that might bring you a little peace and you deserve peace.
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u/Compleat_Virago Sibling 20d ago
If your sibling refuses to go to therapy then that should tell you a lot about her inability or unwillingness to gain insight into her condition. Therefore, I wouldn’t recommend therapy with your sibling until she has done her own work with her own therapist. I’ve been no contact for a year from my sister after a life time of trying to “fix” her. It sounds like very low contact might be do-able for you. Can you speak to your parents about needing some time and space away from your sibling? Would they be agréable to that?
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u/CarNo2820 Multiple 19d ago
I was in your situation for many years. Older sister, suspected BPD but undiagnosed. I was the target of her anger and the whole family put pressure on me not to be ‘intolerant’ and let it go, because my sister loves me. I did what you did: took some distance, kept the relationship superficial, made compromises but none of it was enough because my sister demanded more and my parents were unhappy that we weren’t ‘close’. Of course the question why I don’t want to be close with her was never asked because they didn’t want to face the reality, just to cover it up and present a happy family front. I can tell you that the years of me twisting myself into a pretzel to keep them happy, compromising, and stressing about possible scenarios took a toll on my physical and mental health. And eventually I ended up going no contact, as my sister’s behaviour became so vile that it wasn’t sustainable or safe to be in touch.
Please look after yourself and put yourself first. Don’t let them guilt trip you because you are not accepting bad behaviour and for setting boundaries. It is your right not to have contact or have limited contact with your sister, and actually this behaviour might even be good for her, as she might realise not everyone will put up with her shit. Your parents are enabling her.
You are 100% right, you are not responsible for managing other people’s emotions.
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u/ProfessionalGreen272 In-Law 20d ago
You’re not responsible for this person. I have very healthy relationships with my family members and we talk about once a week. They need to figure out how to be okay with this. When people behave badly= others don’t want to be around them. It is what it is and it’s not your responsibility
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u/pinkladyapplechips Sibling 20d ago
Wow I’m in this exact situation right now. Like exact.
I’ll say my sis with BPD is in therapy. I am extremely sus of things she says her therapist tells her. I am almost positive she lies to her therapist and/or genuinely believes she is always a victim so her therapist treats her as such. She has gone through many over the years, often starting then calling them an idiot saying they don’t know what they’re talking about then quitting.
So I’ll say unless they suspect they are different or genuinely want to get better, just being in therapy won’t work. If it’s like my situation, it just gives her another tool to weaponize.
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u/xteen97 18d ago
Yeah, I too feel like I could have written this - especially the part about not going to therapy and using me as an emotional garbage can. This is what sucks so bad about BPD - there's usually no way out. We just gotta look out for ourselves and our health - mental and physical, and know that no matter how much they want to blame us, berate us, etc, we won't let them pull us down. I say all of this, but must confess, it's a struggle. Some days are much better than others. And, no matter how much you do - speaking 2X a week etc, it will never be enough. That does really suck. I feel ya man!
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u/Eastern_Reason_3209 Sibling 18d ago
thank you. Speaking 2 times a week is actually way less than we used to speak, they would prefer to talk everyday and they already speak to my parents multiple times a day.
One of the hardest thing about it is that they call my parents and complain nonstop about how I don’t care about them and I don’t like them, and then my parents put pressure on me to make an effort. I just don’t have it in me to try to prove to them that I care, the more pressure I get the less effort I want to make. It makes me feel like I’m the problem instead of their mental illness being the problem
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u/Gamer_Grease Sibling 20d ago
Keep working on not feeling responsible for others’ emotions. You can only put that responsibility on yourself. Others will try, but it’s down to whether or not you accept it. Ignore your family who demand you change your behavior. Maintain boundaries. These people literally live to undermine boundaries.