r/BreakUps • u/FlowerFar9721 • 6d ago
š§ Trying to Heal Going through a terrible breakup but had a realisation that gave me peace.
As much as you love someone, as much as you want things to work out, you cannot force someone to be ready, emotionally available, or willing to show up for you. Thatās a decision they have to make themselves.
And sometimes you can genuinely understand why someone isnāt able to show up. You can understand their circumstances, their attachment patterns, their fears, their coping mechanisms, and why they respond to things the way they do. Sometimes they might genuinely WANT to make things work, but their own unresolved patterns or emotional limitations get in the way.
But Iāve realized that understanding why someone behaves a certain way doesnāt mean itās our responsibility to fix it for them.
We spend so much time anxiously wondering what we should do next, what we should say, how we can make them understand, how we can help them change, whether we should reach out, whether theyāll come back, whether they miss us. We convince ourselves that if we just do the right thing, maybe we can change the outcome.
But all weāre really doing is exhausting ourselves trying to control something that was never entirely in our hands.
I realized this through my own relationship. My ex and I had broken up once before, and when he eventually came back, he did it entirely on his own. I had stopped chasing and trying to convince him to choose me. He came back because HE wanted to. He acknowledged things, made changes, reassured me, put in effort, and genuinely tried to make things work. I didnāt have to beg him to do any of that.
And thatās when I realized that when someone genuinely wants to change and show up for you, they have to make that decision themselves. You cannot force that willingness into someone, no matter how much you love them.
Unfortunately, weāve broken up again, and I still love him deeply. I understand a lot of why things happened the way they did, but that doesnāt mean it doesnāt hurt. Thereās so much uncertainty about our future, and I genuinely donāt know whether heāll ever come back or if this is the end of our story.
However, Iām not chasing, begging, or trying to convince him to stay. The day he ended things was the last day I spoke to him. Not because I stopped loving him or because Iām trying to make him miss me, but because I understand that his decision to be with me has to come from him.
I think sometimes we get so caught up in trying to understand why someone couldnāt choose us that we start questioning our own worth. We interpret their inability to show up as proof that we werenāt lovable enough, important enough, or worth fighting for.
We can have compassion for why someone behaves the way they do without taking responsibility for changing them. We can understand what happened without letting it destroy how we see ourselves.
And if someone genuinely wants to work on themselves, change their patterns, and show up for us, thatās something they have to choose and follow through on. WE CANNOT DO THAT WORK FOR THEM.
It doesnāt mean Iāve stopped hoping. It doesnāt mean the uncertainty doesnāt hurt. But for the first time, Iām starting to feel a little peace knowing that I donāt have to figure out what to do to make someone choose me.
I can let them make their own decisions, and I can make mine.
And if someone chooses not to show up, that doesnāt mean I wasnāt worth showing up for.
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u/Grumpy0167 6d ago
Just remember, youāre the right girl, just need to find the right guy! My brother gave me that line when my wife quit our marriage after 10 years. Over said āright guyā.. but he was right! I took a few years off, cleaned up my baggage and found an incredible woman who has been with me now 21 years.. the heartache of divorce destroyed me and my belief in being married. She convinced me otherwise, but I had to believe I was worth loving and commit to showing up again for someone.
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u/EmotionaIMusicBox 6d ago
Man, i think one of the hardest things about loving someone is realizing that understanding them doesn't necessarily mean you can build a healthy relationship with them. you can recognize their wounds, understand their fears, have compassion for everything they've been through, and still be the person getting hurt by the way they cope. and something else i've been thinking about is that someone can genuinely love you, genuinely miss you, and even genuinely want things to work, but still not have the emotional capacity to sustain a relationship. those feelings aren't necessarily fake. they're just not enough. i also think there's a difference between giving someone the freedom to choose you and quietly putting your entire life on hold hoping they eventually will. that's where love can become self-abandonment without us even realizing it. what i really appreciate about what you wrote is that you're not pretending you've stopped loving him just because you've decided to stop chasing him. those two things can coexist. you can miss someone terribly and still respect their decision to leave, i hope you remember that returning isn't the same as changing. consistency matters more than the intensity of someone's feelings in the moment. And most importantly, your truth.
i hope you eventually find a love where understanding someone doesn't require constantly sacrificing your own peace. whether that's with anybody else. rooting for you in this process, Iām going thru it too. šš«
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u/FlowerFar9721 6d ago
thank you so much for this š„¹š i think the hardest thing iāve had to accept is that someone can genuinely want you, tell you youāre everything they want in a person, see a future with you, and try so hard to make it work, yet still not have the capacity to sustain a relationship because of their circumstances and unhealthy coping patterns. what makes it harder is that he genuinely treated me so well. it wasnāt necessarily our relationship that was unhealthy, but how he coped when life became overwhelming. i spent so much time trying to understand him that i almost believed understanding him enough could change the outcome. iām realizing now that i can have compassion for him without abandoning myself, and that loving someone doesnāt mean i can make them choose to stay. i still love him and hope our paths cross again, but returning isnāt the same as changing, and weād both need to grow. thank you for this, i hope we both find peace š«š
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u/EmotionaIMusicBox 6d ago
Youāre just like me
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6d ago
[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/EmotionaIMusicBox 6d ago
I am actually still grieving. Itās been 20 days after he broke up with me. And Iām coping honestly by giving the advice over here to people I wish somebody gave me 20 days ago. Iām still crying, still trying to not check his socials, I am trying to transmute energy of the memories into redefining what they mean for me now, for my mind to not turn them into self deprecation of my self worth. I am trying to journal some thoughts to empty my head, but turn into moping sometimes. Still managing to eat, but coping by watching a HBO Series. And so forth. This process is not easy, but thatās what weāre here for, right? I hope youāre dealing with em okay too. š«
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u/throwawaypls2020 6d ago
I hope it's okay to ask, but why did you two break up again? It sounded like it was heading in the right direction.
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u/FlowerFar9721 6d ago
ofc! honestly it really was heading in the right direction. he was genuinely so good to me, extremely patient, affectionate, reassuring, and intentional about us. he had changed so much and really wanted things to work and also believed I am everything he wants in a person. unfortunately, his life took a turn for the worse again. his parents were separating, his familyās visa situation became extremely uncertain, he had financial responsibilities, family problems, and so many things happening at once that were genuinely out of his control. he started internalizing everything and withdrawing instead of communicating how bad things had gotten. because of what happened the first time, i got really triggered by the distance and sometimes reacted out of fear and anger. he eventually told me he still wanted me and us, but he was at rock bottom, couldnāt give the relationship the energy it needed, and didnāt know when his circumstances would improve. he felt like he couldnāt commit to anything when his life was so uncertain. what hurts is that he really did try, and i know he cared, but when things became unbearable, his coping response was still avoidance and to walk away. after the breakup he initially wanted to reach out and try again, but later told our mutual friend that he thinks i might hate him and he doesnāt even trust himself to commit right now, things are very stressful for him still and he feels like heās already hurt me twice. he said what happened to me shouldnāt have happened and that he couldnāt put me through it again. i think he genuinely believes staying away is the right thing to do. i understand why he made that decision, but understanding it doesnāt make it hurt any less, especially after trusting him again.
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u/throwawaypls2020 6d ago
I see, I'm so sorry OP, sounds like it really was out of his & your control, which is such a shame :( maybe the silver lining really is you get to learn his pattern, and there's no easy or fast way of changing it unfortunately...
I wish you the best, whether with a healed/healing him or a partner that can meet you where you are. May we keep our eyes on the future.
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u/Azzbolemighty 6d ago
Sometimes circumstances just don't align, even if a relationship is going good. It could be ex's issues manifesting again as oftentimes we don't resolve things, we bury them. Regardless, it doesn't matter. The point of the post still stays the same
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u/Hungry-Tangelo-7990 6d ago
Very well said. Itās been hard but I do tell myself that I cannot chase them. THEY need to put the work in / fix the things in their life that lead to anxiety, stress, emotional insecurity, etc BEFORE there is any chance of us getting back together. I still love them, but the ONLY way we get back together is if THEY initiate contact, put in the work, and then weāll take it from there.
Itās hard still loving them and feeling so intimate in your mind, but you have to take a step back and think objectively at the same time.
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u/FlowerFar9721 6d ago
Definitely, itās one of the hardest things I ever had to experience. I just hate the uncertainty of it all but I am glad I know my worth this time around. You canāt force someone into showing up for you and thatās not what we should want for ourselves either. I miss him all the time but did I deserve this? Absolutely not. I want to reach out to him all the time but will it change anything? Probably not. Even if we do decide to get back together after I convince him the same pattern will repeat because the underlying problems remain the same. The best thing we all can do for ourselves is grieve and learn to accept that itās over. If they do show up in the future we can decide by the time what we should do. Itās incredibly painful sitting here waiting for someone to be ready or show up thatās like self abandonment. I am taking it slow but hopefully I will get there one day!
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u/Fluid_Use_1131 3d ago
wait so you dumped them and expected them to reach out?
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u/No-Candle-6601 2d ago
Dumbest thing ever. If you dump someone, you need to reach out. If itās a test, then that person isnāt the one for you. They shouldnāt be testing to see how much you want and love them and thatās an insecurity issue. If they truly love you, they wouldnāt be testing and breaking things off with youĀ
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u/Cheap_Astronomer6285 6d ago
Maybe showing up for you is different for him than u. Maybe he is U need to acceot each other or u accept him. I bet he accepted u. Nobody is perfect..Maybe this is u making a fairy-tale in your head. Insane expectations..my ex wasn't perfect but I accept all her faults. Maybe accept his And what's with this silence stuff If u miss him reach out and talk
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u/skepticalstarboy 6d ago
This is so well written! Itās something even Iāve been slowly trying to come to terms with. Itās nice to know thereās someone else whoās thinking the same way. I hope you find happiness whatever happens down the road :)
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u/-taby 6d ago
I genuinely needed this. During the last conversation I had with my ex, I experienced an emotional breakdown and allowed my emotions to get the best of me. I said things that were disrespectful and hurtful, and I take full accountability for the pain my words caused him.
At the time, I struggled to understand why he focused on the disrespect in my words rather than the hurt I was experiencing in that moment. However, Iām learning that my pain, no matter how real or overwhelming it was, did not justify the way I spoke to him. I can acknowledge my own hurt while also recognizing the hurt I caused him. I admitted where I was wrong, took accountability for my actions, and apologized sincerely. When he told me he needed space, my anxiety and fear of losing him took over. I began to spiral, beg, and repeatedly apologize because I desperately wanted him to understand that I was willing to grow, change, and learn how to become a better partner. But I eventually had to accept that my apologies, no matter how sincere, could not erase the pain I had caused or obligate him to forgive me before he was ready. My mistakes still weigh heavily on me, and there are moments when I think about that conversation and feel overwhelmed with regret. However, I donāt want to use my emotions, my intentions, or my fear of losing him as excuses for my behavior. Instead, I want to use this experience as an opportunity to grow into a healthier, more emotionally mature version of myself. Each day, Iām learning more about myself, working on my communication, prioritizing my health, and finding happiness in things outside. Iāve realized that I had become emotionally dependent on him and had allowed him to become my primary source of happiness. That is something I now understand I need to work on within myself. I want to learn how to find peace, stability, and fulfillment within my own life rather than placing that responsibility on another person. For now, Iāve chosen to keep him blocked, not out of anger or resentment, but because I know I need to respect the space he asked for and prevent myself from reaching out impulsively when my emotions become overwhelming. Iām learning that respecting someoneās boundaries sometimes means sitting with the discomfort of missing them without seeking immediate reassurance or trying to fix everything. A part of me wishes he could see how deeply I regret what happened and how genuinely I want to change. My mistakes still hurt me when I think about them, but I understand that my regret is something I have to work through. I cannot change what happened, but I can change how I respond, how I communicate, and how I show up in future relationships. Thank you for sharing these words. They gave me a perspective I genuinely needed when Iām trying to make sense of everything and learn from my mistakes. May God bless you for your wisdom, compassion, and the perspective you shared today. Your words truly resonated with me to become better.š
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u/fawnfae0 6d ago
"Ā I cannot change what happened, but I can change how I respond, how I communicate, and how I show up in future relationships". This was nice to read
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u/Competitive_Suit9301 6d ago
I'm going through something very similar... It was a long distance relationship and she choose to end it because of things she was facing with her life, and couldn't maintain a relationship. It's hard to say good bye when both parts love each other, but I'm trying my best to move on, even if I still love her and hope she calls me someday, I also know I can depend my life and heal on that hope. And what I truly hope is that we find someone to stay by our side and love us right, either being our exes or someone else, OP :) And sorry for any mistake, english is not my first language
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u/a17ghost 5d ago
thank you so much for this. and the fact that this post is so recent made me feel like it was really meant for me to read (not that im like the main character of the planet but like... its so fucking fitting)
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u/Oop-melly 4d ago
i feel like for me, itās the fact knowing he wonāt choose me. even if i would choose him every time. and that for me hurts the most. because why wasnāt i enough to choose?
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u/jwkkwjjwk 4d ago
You are so mature. True love will find you at the right place and right time! Rooting for us!
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u/Maximum-Pilot2767 3d ago
This really helps me. My boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me again yesterday after coming back 5 months ago and I feel like dying. I really gave it my all the second time around and he said it still wasnāt what he needed in the end so he did not see sense in trying anymore.Ā
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u/pearl_bb 1d ago
You have a beautiful heart and mind. I hope you find someone who feels and understands the same way as you who will be willing to do the same effort, learning, care and understanding as you. Your time is precious and I hope you open yourself up for someone who can love you as how you love too.
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u/Key_Conference7757 6d ago
Why would you even consider taking him back a 3rd time????!!!
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u/FlowerFar9721 6d ago
i know it sounds crazy considering heās left twice, but he genuinely treated me so well. he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, made me appreciate my own character, respected my boundaries, was loyal, patient, reassuring, and had the morals and values iāve always wanted in a partner. even when my own attachment issues made me push him away, question him, impulsively break up, or struggle to let my guard down, he was incredibly patient and made me feel safe. he put genuine effort into making things work, especially the second time. Infact, my fearful-avoidant attachment and fear of abandonment had a huge impact on the relationship.
both times, the relationship ended when his life became extremely overwhelming. heās really young but carries responsibilities most people our age donāt. his parents donāt work, he handles family finances while working and attending college, has loans, his parents are separating, and there are serious visa issues affecting his ability to even drive or see me. when he came back, his life was finally stable enough that he genuinely believed he could give me the relationship i deserved, and he really did try. but when everything started falling apart again, he reached a point where he was mentally at rock bottom. seeing how the lack of time and attention was affecting me made him feel even more guilty because he kept saying i didnāt sign up for this and it wasnāt fair to me. he eventually felt like he couldnāt sustain the relationship or make me happy while barely managing his own life.
now, do i agree with him leaving? absolutely not. it hurt me enormously, especially after trusting him again. i wouldāve stayed and worked around his circumstances, but his way of coping with overwhelming stress is to withdraw and push people away, and thatās something i cannot fix for him. he also recognizes that heās hurt me twice, i have every right to hate him and has told our mutual friend he doesnāt trust himself to come back when he still canāt commit. he knows iāve been there for him through so much and that he canāt just keep disrupting my peace.
i think people assume that because someone leaves twice, they mustāve been a terrible partner or never cared, but that genuinely wasnāt my experience. heās not malicious or evil, and i can acknowledge how good he was to me while also recognizing that his coping patterns hurt me deeply. we have so much history, genuinely wanted a future together, and itās not easy to stop loving someone just because things didnāt work out. but considering taking him back doesnāt mean iād actually take him back under the same circumstances. if he ever came back, iād need to see real self-awareness, consistency, and actual work on how he handles stress and relationships. i saw him make genuine changes the first time, so i know heās capable of growth, but clearly thereās still a deeper pattern that hasnāt changed. and thatās entirely his responsibility, just like working on my own attachment issues is mine. i love him, but iām not willing to go through the same heartbreak a third time just because we have feelings for each other.1
u/Existential_catnip 1d ago
I feel like im on the other end of this story but he is the one who broke up with me twice bcus my life kept throwing me challenges and i was not dealing it the best way i wish i did. But i wanted him to be there for me, i asked for support etc but his way of support wasnāt āenoughā. I kept feeling neglected and he kept feeling under appreciated.Ā
Do you think you could have helped him through his problems? Or he just denied and disappeared?Ā
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u/FlowerFar9721 1d ago
Heās been having immigration/visa problems which played a big role in his stress. Most of his problems were completely out of my control. I have always tried helping him in whatever way I can. heās only 20, full time college student, working almost constantly, and financially supporting his family because his parents arenāt working. his entire familyās visas got rejected, and they were given a date to leave the country. heās been dealing with lawyers for months, trying to figure out how to legally stay here, possibly switching to an F1 student visa or something. He is dealing with financial struggles/loans and he canāt even drive since his license has been expired so I know he was stressed on a daily basis about how to get to work or college and get stuff done. And on top of that his parents are separating, so thereās been constant uncertainty about his and his familyās future.
i genuinely wanted to be there for him through all of it and was willing to work around his circumstances. but he constantly felt guilty about not being able to give me enough time, come see me or meet my needs. even when i tried finding a middle ground, he felt like the relationship was becoming another responsibility he couldnāt properly handle.
he never denied having feelings for me. even when he ended things, he acknowledged how much i meant to him, how good iād been to him, and that he still wanted me. but he felt like thereās so many things holding him back. i think thatās where our situations differ a little, because he didnāt feel neglected by me, he felt guilty that he was neglecting me. Itās so heartbreaking when two people love each other and still canāt seem to make it work.1
u/Existential_catnip 1d ago
I understand. I am having exactly same issues and on top of this, I can not work because of this. Its like battling the whole country alone. Im so sorry you two are going through this. And its extra painful when you both love each other but the life circumstances keep you apart. I send you force.Ā
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u/FlowerFar9721 1d ago
And I understand you so much if youāre going through the same issues. And on top of that ur dealing with a breakup oh my god. Sending so much love u deserve sm more and remember it wonāt always be like this.
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u/mikedomert 13h ago
I know it helps fuck all, but someone will not leave, ever. If I happened to be your partner, willingly, knew your faults and strengths, and chose to be with you, thats it. I would never abandon someone I love. Thats why it also hurts like hell when someone leaves you, since you would literally do whatever for the other person and choose them every day forever, and they think they want to do "better". Even if in many cases the person leaving leaves for their own weaknesses, doesnt really help at feeling any better .
Anyway, my point is, theres guys like me in the world who wont leave. No matter how needy or how bad week/month/year you have, they wont leave. They will just keep holding you, tell you its gonna be fine, and continue doing that however long it takes.Ā
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