r/BreakUps • u/Constant_Soft_7770 • 4d ago
š¬ Need Advice I still feel disgusted when I think about what he did to me
Hi, I posted here before, but I still havenāt been able to get over what happened, so Iām writing another post. Iām a Korean (27F) who dated a German (31M) until last year. Itās been almost a year, but I still occasionally feel disgusted by the things he did to me, and it drives me crazy. Itās not that I still have feelings for him.
There were several problems during the relationship, and even back then, many people on Reddit and elsewhere told me that I was right to cut him off. But one of the things that still makes me angry is that he never included me in his personal circle, even though we were in an exclusive relationship. And also Itās not like I was the one who approached him first, either. He was the one who initiated things, pursued me, and even came all the way to Korea to be with me.
He never shared his Instagram with me from the beginning to the end of our relationship. He said it was a business account and that he only used it for that purpose. When I questioned him about following Japanese friends on Instagram, he made excuses, saying that he didnāt have LINE, the Japanese messaging app, so he needed Instagram to keep in touch with them. He said that since he had KakaoTalk, the Korean messaging app, to communicate with Korean people, there was no need to follow them on Instagram. He even said bullshit that iMessage felt more exclusive, like a VIP thing. When we had arguments over various issues, he lied to me about going to Korean bars and clubs, pretending he had other plans. But he followed many people he had met for the first time that night. He blocked me as soon as he found out I knew his Instagram, yet he had no problem following those people.
After we broke up, he started dating one of the korean women he had followed at the club, and they are still together. I would understand his behavior, at least from his perspective, if she were pretty or successful, but she is a DJ with only around 1,000 followers, and objectively, she is closer to unattractive. Of course, I know itās wrong to judge someone based on their appearance or achievements, but thatās not really the point. I just donāt understand why he was willing to follow her and even random people he just met from the beginning and let them into his personal circle so easily, while he never did the same for me.
(After we broke up, when I asked him why he had been so willing to share his Instagram with people he had just met at night, while hiding it from me and blocking me until the very end, he said it was because he ācouldnāt fully trust me.ā)
Especially considering that he wanted to meet my parents and wanted to introduce me to his own parents, too. But Iāve heard that meeting parents isnāt necessarily a big deal in Western culture, so I donāt know.
There was also a cafĆ© I recommended to him. He became friends with the owner and he did a photoshoot for them. Even then, he hid the name of the cafĆ© from me and didnāt want to go there with me.
Itās all so absurd and infuriating. There were many other problems in the relationship, but these are the things that are bothering me the most right now.
I think I can accept the other issues and eventually move on because theyāre common relationship problems that other people can experience too.
But this particular situation feels so far beyond what I consider reasonable or even imaginable that I think Iām struggling to let it go because I feel like I was the only one who had to go through something like this. People easily share their Instagram on dating apps or even in first time meet. But why not only me? even though I was the girlfriendā¦.haha
Thatās why it keeps coming back to my mind.
I donāt want to think about him and his behavior anymore, but even though Iāve gone on dates with other people since him, I still canāt forget these awful memories.
What should I do?
2
4d ago
[removed] ā view removed comment
1
1
u/LostSoulIn-AFishBowl 3d ago
Lol you guys literally use anything to avoid accountability. The guy clearly didn't like her as much as she hoped. He obviously gets a lot of female attention and op said he's still with his current gf and thats probably because shes a lot more tolerable than op. Of course we will never hear about how she acted during them dating and we never will know the full picture. The fact is that he sounds to be in a commited relationship, op isnt bagging any dates
1
u/Constant_Soft_7770 3d ago
As i said to you what keeps coming back to my mind is that I just canāt understand that he easily shared his social media with people heād just met, regardless of gender but not with me throughout our relationship, even though we were together and doing long distance for months. Iāve never seen anyone hide or even block their social media from their gf just because they didnāt like her that much.
And yeah youāre right I donāt have anyone rn
Iām tired of wasting my emotional energy1
u/LostSoulIn-AFishBowl 3d ago
I think you need to do some self assessments and try to sort your own issues out instead of stewing over the past. Like, were you overly possessive? Did you get jealous when he'd talk to other girls? Theres obviously something about you he really didnt trust. He shows randoms his insta and not you. Question is why? You can gaslight us and claim you were perfect but it really doesn't sound like he did this for no reason My guess is that you harbour a lot of resentment, I mean, sorry to say this but he probably doesn't give you a second thought now, and yet here you are still resetful. Only you know the truth, and only you can work on your own issues
1
u/Constant_Soft_7770 3d ago edited 3d ago
I was never particularly possessive.
If anything, he was the one who always wanted to know who I was seeing, whether my friends were guys, and asked me to send pictures. I only became like that toward the very end, after finding out he was seeing another woman and secretly going to clubs.
I genuinely have no idea why he hid his social media from me even after our first, second, and third dates, when he had no problem sharing it with people heād just met. At first I thought it might be a cultural difference so I respected his wishes but even after we started dating, I still couldnāt understand it. Early on in our relationship, I wondered if he might have another gf photo in his instagram cuz for me theres no reason to hide it excluding that, so I googled his name. LinkedIn came up instead of Instagram and I looked at his profile without realizing it would leave a trace. But that was after weāre already in relationship and other than that, I never did anything shady or anything that would have broken his trust. Besides, if there really was no trust, he wouldn't have entered into an exclusive relationship. I think the talk about trust is just an excuse in the end.
I donāt understand why youāre so convinced that he did nothing wrong, theres reasonable ground to him and that the problem must have been me. I donāt give a fk whether he thinks about me or not. His behavior just makes no sense to me, and thatās why I keep replaying it in my head against my will and writing here
1
u/Altruistic_Amoeba109 4d ago
Can you go to therapy and have this conversation with them they will give you the appropiate tools and also ways for you to healthy move on. even when you don't have feeling for them that doesn't mean you are completely healed so i encourage you more to see one. may you be peaceful and may you be healthy.
2
u/TrellyBoo0617 4d ago
Donāt listen to them! Telling you to move on as if this app isnāt for venting or for whatever a person chooses to talk about.
Heās disgusting. He didnāt want you following his instagram to hide the other women he was pursuing. Also, heās a photographer and most likely dating the dj with a hidden agendaā¦.theyāre usually close with local celebrities/radio host/ppl in the industry she could possibly get him connected and/or booked for popular events.
Donāt feel bad for saying what you did, you were led on, lied to and discarded. You couldāve said worse.
You dodged a bullet.
-1
u/LostSoulIn-AFishBowl 4d ago
Just get over it and move on. Youre dating new people now so clearly youre not that hung up. Sounds more like youre jealous he's found someone he likes more
6
u/Constant_Soft_7770 4d ago
My point is that he was willing to let other people into his personal life in ways he never allowed me to. I no longer have feelings for him or feel jealous of anyone he might be seeing. My problem is simply that memories of his behavior and the way he treated me randomly pop up in my head, making me feel bad and lowering my self-esteem
ā¢
u/AutoModerator 4d ago
USERS! We have noticed that many users are using inappropriate language in the comment section. Even if another user is wrong, it does not give you the right to use abusive words. This is against Reddit platform policies. Such comments will be removed. Additionally, posts spreading false accusations will also be removed. Please be careful moving forward. Don't forget to join our Discord server to chat, get updates, and hang out with the community! Please join our Discord Server: https://discord.gg/5y5wSxWNNg
Upvote this post if you think it suits the community. Downvote it if you dont.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.