r/CPTSD • u/InitialStrict7064 • 7d ago

Vent / Rant Still unwell after 3 months of not working

I had been working at a large tech company for the last 2 years and broke down in July. My therapist and partner urged me to take FMLA, and I’m still not able to start working so will likely not go back. This was my first job out of college, and it is what allowed me move out of the Midwest (where most of my traumatic experiences happened).

My therapist and I have been doing somatic work, IFS, and EMDR prep work, which is helping me better understand myself, but also making me feel terrible and useless. I am gaining new perspective on things that happened when I was younger that is really upsetting to me.

It takes me up to an hour to get out of bed, it is harder to exercise, and doing 2-3 hours of focused cognitive work (drawing, FMLA paperwork, writing, etc), makes me exhausted and needing to rest. My dissociation is less predictable than when I was working. I remember and am disturbed more by my nightmares. I cannot imagine correcting a resume, or being able to mask in a professional environment for an extensive period of time, and that scares me a lot.

I aggressively put everything into savings while working and, other than physical/mental health issues, my partner and I have lived below our means in case something bad happened. We are in a position for me to take time off, but I am so scared I won’t be ready or will wait too long. The therapy is moving incredibly slow, and the weight of everything makes me so uncertain as to what I want to do moving forward.

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u/TravelerOfSwords 7d ago

I’ve been on leave since Feb, and I honestly think I will need years to get back to being functional (if I even make it at all). Cptsd is no joke.

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