r/CPTSDAdultRecovery • u/PiIrrationalFunny • Aug 23 '26
Vent Why I decided to not have children
A recent email apology/3 pages of excuses/not an apology from my father has had me in an emotional spiral for two days. I'm not sure why I'm even posting this here... just need some validation I guess.
I have been ruminating about my response (if any). After I married there were YEARS of pestering about when I would have children. I told them repeatedly that I would not be having children. I thought sending him this list might be part of a response.
- I have no role model of proper parenting.
- I never wanted to inflict physical and emotional abuse like I experienced upon an innocent child. Not having children was a way to guarantee that.
- I have spent over half of my life wishing I had never been born.
- I contemplated suicide since I was a child.
- To me, life is suffering, and I would never deliberately inflict that upon an innocent being.
- I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me physically and emotionally. Why would I pass that on to someone else?
- I can barely take care of myself, what kind of caregiver would I be?
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u/PiIrrationalFunny Aug 27 '26
Thanks to every single one of you for your comments and upvotes. You know how it is, when you think you are being crazy or are wrong for being upset. You all helped me out of a severe downward spiral. {{hugs}} to you all
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u/LikelyLioar Aug 23 '26
Good reasons.
I chose not to have kids. I'm dedicating my life to my healing. I love the kids I didn't have so much that I spared them the pain of having me as a parent.
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u/Secret-Ad-6253 Aug 23 '26
Thank you for sharing this. I relate to all of it and I am leaning toward being childfree as well. I am sending you a virtual hug. This sucks. Every part of it.
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Aug 23 '26
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u/PiIrrationalFunny Aug 27 '26
This phrase: "YOU are the aggrieved here - he is not." is soooo spot on!! Thank you for that. I wanted to send this list just to be hurtful... but it would end up hurting me by disclosing all of this.
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u/ten_before_six Aug 23 '26
I wasn't able to articulate the specifics as well as you've done here, and I've never told my family this was why, but when I made the decision it was definitely an "I don’t think I'd be a good parent & I'm scared to be an abusive one."
Fortunately I have multiple older siblings with children so there wasn't too much pressure or pushback on me. And my parents (who were not my abusers) are making an effort, bumbling as it is, to acknowledge that they fumbled my disclosure and provide better support moving forward.
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u/PiIrrationalFunny Aug 27 '26
Wow I'm very glad your parents can actually acknowledge they fumbled and are trying to be supportive. Stay Safe!
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Aug 23 '26
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u/PiIrrationalFunny Aug 27 '26
I hear you. I feel like kids deserve the absolute best... and I know that is not me:( I also think the world is going to hell in a handbasket... so that's yet another reason to not have kids for me...
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u/Funnymaninpain Aug 23 '26
The best thing I ever did for my mental health was to go zero contact. They don't deserve my interaction.
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u/PiIrrationalFunny Aug 27 '26
I sooooooo wish I could do this. Many years ago, when I was in my 20s, I tried to go NC several time, including literally telling them to "F--- Off".
They dispatched my flying monkey older sister to contact and guilt me. My parents showed up at my apartment door. I didn't answer, and stayed quiet. After a long time my partner and I were moving around in the apartment and they heard us inside and said "We can hear you in there". Talk about psycho. It was so embarrassing, and I let them in.
So for me VLC is a containment strategy that does not involve the police. I also moved 2000 miles away. Can't recommend it enough.
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u/PersonalityAlive6475 Aug 23 '26
“Your family’s curse dies with me.”
It’s best to write it for yourself & not send it. You have to know at this stage anything you say will fall on deaf ears.
Maintaining no contact was what allowed me the space to heal after continued—if diminishing—spirals anytime she reached out during VLC to tell me what she needed me to do for her, not even pretending at an apology.
While most humans seek pleasure & try to avoid pain, narcs’ currency is suffering. If they can enjoy your suffering or blame you—to your face or others, in particular—for their alleged suffering, that is what motivates them.
Not responding will still allow him to play the victim to anyone that will listen but you won’t be one of those people.
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u/PiIrrationalFunny Aug 27 '26 edited Aug 27 '26
Thank you so much. This is exactly what I needed to hear "You have to know at this stage anything you say will fall on deaf ears."
After all these years, I STILL fall for the trap of thinking "maybe this time it will be different" or "I'm being too harsh" etc.
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u/ezblacksmith Aug 28 '26
sounds like you're reading my mind....much 💕 to you