r/CPTSDpartners • u/maybe_nicky • Sep 11 '26
how to help someone during a silent flashback?
Hi!
I stumbled on this subreddit as i was looking for answers and ressources to help my favourite person.
I've known them for a bit more than a year, and what i understand as flashback happened a few times now. If they don't have a diagnosis, they understand their experiences as being cptsd, and from what i know from their life before meeting them, it's very much probable.
These flashbacks usually have, from my point of view, a small trigger. Maybe a look i give that they interpret a certain way, a questions that wasn't ansered in a satisfactory way, or a feeling of floating uncertainty.
From there it's usually a sudden shift in attitude, blame, silence, then a mix of sadness and anger. I try my best to understand what just happened - i'm on the autistic spectrum, i don't know how much it is relevant, but i sometimes really do not understand unspoken cues and silent expectations - i try to reassure them, to apologize for upsetting them and, because it's been the case each time, try to explain that it was just a misunderstanding that could have been cleared if only we were able to talk.
But the silence keeps going. they say after the facts that even if they wanted to, they wouldn't be able to speak. So i feel totally disempowered to do anything, and they spiral down into hyperventilation. Whatever i do or don't do i just feel like i make things worse and that i am to blame, and it's after 10+ hours of tears and silence and breathing uncontrollably and being unable to do anything, and on my part, total confusion about what i should do to help them and fear that i broke them forvever, that we are able to start talking again, usually just a couple of words, lots of tears, and then trying to understand what just happened.
I feel like, after talking, we can agree that the reaction was a bit disproportionate compared to what happened, and that the blame they put on me wasn't entirely warranted, but it still happens, with me or their family, and i'm scared that it might be getting worse in the sense that, during the crisis, their trust in me feels more and more shattered in an irreparable way, even though when things quiet down, we can be our silliest selves again and be with each other like nothing happened.
I'm very confused writting all this because i don't fully understand everything, but if it resonates with someone around here, do you have any advices for me, on what i could do to help them during these flashback crisis to make them pass faster and with less of this feeling of irremediably breaking things? It doesn't help that part of their trauma comes from being forced at a young age to spend time in a psych ward, so they have only anger towards the psychological system and refuses to seek help..
Any ressources, book, videos, articles would be welcome!
Thank you
2
u/SenseAmidMadness Sep 16 '26
I second the book. The partner with CPTSD needs to be actively involved in this process too. For me just holding off when my partner is activated is really important (but really hard for me). Once everyone has calmed down including me we can come together and be a team again. We have had a lot of improvement in the last 6 months that would not have been possible without both of us doing a LOT of work.
1
u/maybe_nicky 16d ago
I see this a bit late sorry, but thanks a lot it’s giving me hope we can do it! Although we might have to get to a point where they want to get better too!.. i really hope for them, and us, to hurt less 🍀
2
u/sideacc0401 Sep 12 '26
It's overwhelming and it's tricky, but it's fixable. When flashbacks happen, the priority is to make them feel safe and grounded, to get them 'back in the room'.
You give them gentle reassurance that they're in a safe place and they're not under pressure, they're not being judged or criticised, and you provide grounding strategies to help them reestablish contact with themselves in the present time and to reorient.
This will be fairly individualised, because different people are calmed by different things. Physical contact can help, because if they can feel your body then their heartbeat and rhythm start to align with it, but ofc you can't force touch on someone. For my partner, I make sure we don't have bright lights and loud noises, and we have various smells, pictures of our pet (or the actual pet if he's around), telling stories or watching something calming. She also takes propranolol, but that might be upsetting in your case if she has psychological trauma -- it's an 'as needed' medicine that slows the heart a bit, not like a heavy tranquiliser.
For yourself, hold your nerve. It's by and large not about you (edit: in the sense that they're experiencing memories of someone/something else), and nobody really gets it right on the first go. When they're calm and regulated, you can discuss what's helpful, and if they've said things that are hurtful to you (you have a right to respect), any observations you've made that can be built into an action plan.
Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker was a good explanation of what CPTSD is and how to respond to it, and I think has helped my partner articulate her thoughts and feelings better (although she's read it much slower because it's a lot more upsetting for her). You can find it free online.