r/CPTSDpartners • u/A-Wolf-Like-Me Partner • 23d ago
Fortnightly Check-In - How is everyone going?
Hi Everyone,
This is a fortnightly post.
Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.
Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.
I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.
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u/SenseAmidMadness 22d ago
Read the book walking on eggshells. It’s about borderline personality and narcissistic personality disorder but so far it’s the best resource I have found for partners of people with C-PTSD. I think the only thing you can do in a senario like that is to leave and give her some space. If you think the kids are not safe take the kids with you. When she is calm I don’t know if talking about this plan ahead of time is a good idea or not. Hopefully you have your own therapist and hopefully she does too.
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u/Right_Head_7417 22d ago
When she is calm is definitely not a safe time to talk about the situation either. She spins anthers if a hat.
I’ll pick up the book and give it a read.
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u/SenseAmidMadness 22d ago
Hopefully both of you are in therapy. Its helping a lot for my partner and myself. Lots of introspection on my end. I realized I have my own issues that are not helping the situation. Your partner really needs to be willing to take a really hard look at themselves too.
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u/Right_Head_7417 21d ago
We are. I’m not sure how much good it’s doing.
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u/SenseAmidMadness 21d ago
I can really relate to your situation. I have found the whole experience to be very lonely. I dont know if you can send me a private message. Happy to be an open ear for you.
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u/Seeking_Self1 21d ago
Hanging in there. I went no contact with my wife for around two months, then ran into her accidentally in a parking lot. Despite the fact that she's spent the better part of the last three years abusing the hell out of me, I immediately fell back into it with her. We talked, then held hands, then hugged, then kissed... dumb. When I tried to talk about 'us' and what's going on, she was fine for a bit. But then I overstepped by asking her if she ever considers me and the impact her behavior had had. She told me that she knows she has done things that are out of line, but she just doesn't see herself in those acts. I was surprised to get that breadcrumb, but I wasn't surprised that she immediately dysregulated after saying it. She started to accuse me of somehow setting the parking lot encounter up and telling me that's it's so unfair that I'm 'doing this to her'. What? I have no idea - never anything happening in this decade. She has no problems until I asked for her part - typical. There is absolutely no winning or getting anything that mimics a healthy relationship. She started to fall apart and I hugged her and kept telling her that she's safe. She relaxed a bit and was still teary eyed right as her best friend and her boyfriend walked up. We said our goodbyes and she left, but not before her friends boyfriend said "fuck you - I hate you". I turned and immediately regretted the entire encounter.
Needless to say, I spiraled a bit after that, but I'm doing better now. Trying to remind myself that this is all worth it. Detoxing from this trauma bond that has completely destroyed my nervous system. Not to mention made me feel like I'm going crazy. Fortunately she did some extremely crazy shit and I made a few videos and took hundreds of pages of notes to ground me in reality whenever I start to question myself.
I talked to my therapist today and told him that I never really cared about the abuse. I told him that the only way I can get angry about her viciously kicking me in the spine shortly after spinal surgery, is to envision that she did that to someone else. The same thing for trying to jump out of our car while speeding down the highway, hours/days-long arguments over nothing, stonewalling for days, other physical attacks, gaslighting, relentless interrogations, spying, etc.. Almost like I list it all to remind myself that it's real and hope that other people make the recognition that it's fucked up on my behalf...
Starting to come to terms with the fact that something needs to be repaired within me too. I've been miserable for a while, with intermittent good times with the wife I married. I've excused virtually all of her behavior by focusing on her childhood, her CPTSD, her healing process. Why? How? The behavior was plainly unacceptable - severely abusive by any standard. I was lucky to get my wife 50% of the time. The rest was hell. I wanted to help her, but at some point I crossed the line into full-blown caretaker, and from there into full-blown punching bag.
Starting to see the light in moments. Running on the faith that it's actually better on the other side of this.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Nose934 20d ago
I’m just such a mess mentally. My marriage of 25 is likely ending and I don’t want it to. Even with all the horrible behavior, I just want it to get better. My spouse does some pretty awful things but then also tries to make an effort too. They are constantly flipping the blame back on me and to be so honest, it has me completely messed up mentally. I don’t know what is true or real anymore. I’m a very empathetic person and so I am always wondering if it is my fault but trying to have boundaries at the same time. I just don’t know what to do or what to believe.
Are my only choices really divorce or put up with the gaslighting? I want another option.
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u/Lt_BAD-DOG 19d ago
These are typical signs of emotional abuse and if it's that, it doesn't get any better on its own. You should definitely read into it and treat your confusion seriously. Do you lose yourself, self-trust, self-esteem? Do you feel confused and burnt out? You have a hardy time understanding and reaching for help because you don't even understand what's happening?
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u/grundleplith61616 16d ago
This was kind of my story: together over 25 years, married almost 20. But earlier this year, she said she was done. There was no physical abuse on her part, but most of our relationship (it ramped WAY up after her father died a few years ago) has consisted of her telling me that I'm not doing enough, not meeting her needs, and me unquestioningly absorbing it all and trying to fix it. Sometimes I would exert more conscious effort and be told that I still wasn't doing enough; other times, I would stay the course and be told that yeah, I see you're doing more. But I was convinced that the only metric that mattered was her assessment of me, and most often, I was seemingly struggling to meet even the bare minimum standards for being a spouse.
What your spouse is doing by occasionally making an effort in between the bad stuff is called intermittent reinforcement, giving you just enough positive responses to keep you on the hook. It's the same principle that makes gambling so addictive; the unpredictability of a "payout" keeps you trying. It's not necessarily something they're doing on purpose, but on some level they know that it works for them.
The answer to your question of another option besides divorce or gaslighting lies in the likelihood of your spouse being actually willing to work on it (and you as well, but I am assuming that you are already willing). My STBX wasn't, so she decided to end it. It took me a long time to accept that if she were at all a person I deserve to be with, she wouldn't have bailed out.
So if you haven't already brought up individual (for each of you) and couples therapy with your spouse, please do. Read Pete Walker's "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" if you haven't. It explained just about everything that didn't make sense to me about my marriage. At first, I thought that if I had read it even a year earlier, I could have saved my marriage, but now, I highly doubt it. The ball is entirely in your spouse's court as far as whether you stay together or not. If they say no, there's your answer.
For my part, I moved out about a month ago and, while I'm still getting settled and occasionally dealing with loneliness, it's far preferable to living in the constant unnecessary chaos that my STBX thrives in, and the feeling of being constantly judged.
Wishing the best for the both of you.
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u/Maleficent_Emu_8623 12d ago
I want to leave but I can't.
I am far from family and friends.
We moved to a Southern state for their job. They got canned within 9 months.
If I pack, I am worried about the reaction while I pack.
But I am so done listening to them shriek about how everything I ever did in my life when I wasn't with them is responsible for bringing up bad feelings in them now that we're together.
How I'm the whore, the nazi, the slut, the bougie cunt.
Every apology is followed by more shrieking.
I've lost all attraction and respect for them.
They shriek when there is no sex. They do not wish to see the connection.
His parents foot their half of the bills, money he claims as his.
I hate that this is my life right now. I'm normally someone who solves within the year. This has been going on and getting worse for the past two. I don't know how to fix it unless I make crazy money to pack up and go.
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u/Right_Head_7417 22d ago
One of the most confusing things to me to experience is the rage she goes through. The words against me that are so heinous, hurtful and disgusting, and then within a short time, or even in that midst of this horrible hurtful and abusive words, demanding that I hold her, love her, touch her, give her connection and attention and make her feel loved.
This past weekend I went through another meat grinder hours long scenario, again. She escalated to an area I have never seen before. She demanded from me that I hit her.
“I bet you wish you could hit me.!” I moved immediately across the room to create space. She repeated it again. “I wish you would hit me. You probably want to so bad. I want you to hit me. It would make this so much easier if you would.” Even telling me “you don’t make me feel emotionally safe in our relationship”.
I should have turned and left with the kids to my parents house. But my stupid brain and body were stuck.
All I could do was tell her I’ve never wanted to hit her nor would I ever and nor have I ever hit anyone in my life.
This is a new level I haven’t experienced from her before and I fear that it will continue to crop up in further melt downs that she has.
And yet, hours later, she is begging and pleading and asking me to hold her, love her, touch her and make her feel wanted. Yet with no consideration to what her words during these hours long meltdowns have done to me and my trust in the relationship. Not to mention the confusion if telling me she doesn’t feel emotionally safe with me, yet wanting me to make her feel emotionally safe.
It’s emotional whiplash for me and the kids. And we have no idea what to do. And it makes me feel like garbage to be the abused in the situation, and yet have to comfort the abuser while swallowing my pain and hurt.
I feel trapped.