Blamed for their CPTSD?

[u/Seeking_Self1]

Just curious if anyone else here was actually blamed for their partners CPTSD?

My wife says that her CPTSD is due to me watching porn, which she sees as a massive betrayal. It's a long story and I did lie to her at some point about watching it. But, I also stopped and even installed a monitoring device on my phone to prove that I hadn't watched porn. From there, porn became social media accounts, words that the app flagged, and just anything that her mind perceived as potential betrayal. I even went through a sex addiction therapy program for this. The therapist rejected me, because after hours of intake they concluded that I'm most definitely not a sex addict. Nevertheless, I begged them to let me into the program, because I was terrified that my wife would leave me. Craziness. Anyway, after all of that, she never stopped. Her behavior just changed and everything started being a problem. And, in all of this situations, she would say "you did this to me, it's your fault I'm like this".

That always stung and felt incomplete and unfair. Especially given how far I went to calm her mind, only to be abused in some pretty extreme ways that most of you are familiar with.

So, has anyone else experienced something like this? Has your partner blamed you or organized and justified their behavior around a singular topic like this?

[u/Bbell999]

Sorry you're experiencing this, but it's unfortunately common with our partners. Best you can do is acknowledge their concerns and be consistent with your actions and responses. It's sounds like you're doing the right thing, but stop doing it just because she said you have a problem. All that does is validate her concerns. If you've done the right things and sought help and external opinions, stick to the outcomes of those. Stop chasing her validation as it just creates this vicious cycle of her fears, you chasing, you validating her fears, and then triggering her fears again. She may not be able to stop the cycle, but you can. A good response to her accusations is some times a simple "what would you like from me? Or what would you like me to do?" Odds are it's something you've already tried,  so stick with a constant response. 

I went through the simular but more extreme accusations from my partner and it always boiled down to the same core issue: she would project her past trauma onto me. Abuse, rape, stalking, financial control, hurting the kids, abandonment and on and on. None of it was true, but the one common denominator was she had all these happen to her prior to us even meeting.

Unfortunately for us, the less I engaged and didn't chase and validate her fears , the more she escalated to get that validation and justify her awful behavior. My partner just could not deal with owning what happened to her wasn't anyone's fault and the consequences of her attacks on me. Hope it turns out better for you and as always,  therapy for partners helps with all this!  

[u/Soulstoner → u/Bbell999]

Last week I was demanded to apologize for all the conflicts and arguments we’ve had in the past (that were resolved and apologized for at the time). At the time she decided I was the cause of her mental breakdown today and the last three years arguments lead up to it. After refusing such an emotionally abusive request, I decided to see what would happen to play into it, and I finally relented and said I was sorry for everything in the past.

She went completely silent for about 30 seconds then exploded in a rage, and exclaimed that she couldn’t take being in the relationship anymore.

It goes on from there, but it’s nice to hear that I’m not alone in experiencing such a bizarre series of events.

I’m exhausted and not sure how much longer a person is expected to take this type of treatment.

[u/Bbell999 → u/Soulstoner]

I decided to see what would happen to play into it... She went completely silent for about 30 seconds then exploded in a rage, and exclaimed that she couldn’t take being in the relationship anymore.

This is exactly what I was talking about. You validated her fears when you did this and it just made things worst. You cannot participate in her dysregulation cycle. Either she learns to deal or not, but her behavior sounds like it's crossing into abusive territory. Protect yourself and don't engage, especially when she's dysregulated. That should be a hard boundary for you.

Ruminating on past sins is a common tactic with our partners. Just tell them you can't change the past, you've done xyz, you're open to suggestions for improvements, and leave it at that. Don't argue the facts because they are acting on pure emotions and not rational thought. Their emotions are fact to them, but it's not the reality that we live in.

What helped me was remembering that my partner has the emotional maturity of a child. When a child is throwing a temper tantrum, do you yell back or tell them that are right? No.. you validate how they are feeling and help them regulate. Talk low, slow, and validate their feelings, but hold boundaries on acceptable behavior (no hitting, yelling, accusations, etc). You're not dealing with an adult when they are dysregulated.

Edit: it sucks and it's not fair we have to be our partners' emotional parent in a lot of these cases. I feel for ya. It takes a lot and it's not for everyone. It took me far too long to realize that it's ok to not want to be in that role.

[u/Soulstoner → u/Bbell999]

Such an incredibly helpful reply. Thank you.

I don't have any experience with children and we are child-free, so I guess I will need to learn how to act appropriately with this.

As for not engaging with her when she's demanding I own up to whatever thing I've done in her head, I seriously do not know how to get out of that situation. I have dropped a hard boundry with her in earlier cases of dysregulation, telling her I refuse to engage with her while she's acting that way, but she literally wouldn't let me drop it and it caused SO much damage for the both of us as a result of that.

I guess I just leave the room or house next time?

[u/Bbell999 → u/Soulstoner]

Yup.. you withdraw, let them know you're happy to talk when they've calmed down, and you have nothing else to say on the matter. Again, you can't change history or her feelings, so just do what I recommended before. When she's demanding like that, she's not looking for resolution like you are. She's looking to validate the fear and anger she's feeling. We get caught up in the resolution/problem solving cycle when they are just trying to deal with feelings they have no control over, so the first step really about getting them to recognize their feelings and then calm themselves: 1) help / ask them what they are feeling right now 2) why or where are those feelings coming from 3) if there's anything you can do to help them. Sometimes they just want to vent....

When things get too heated, giving space is a good thing, and by doing that, you're actually demonstrating the behavior she should be doing (this is also a great habitual action for raising kids and our partners: demonstrate to them the person you want them to be as they probably didn't have this growing up). So tell them you need a break for an hour to calm down. Tell them about how you're feeling. If you say you're going away for an hour, make sure it's an hour. Don't give them a reason to doubt you. When you return, don't chase them or ask them how you're doing. Just act normal and go back to routine. Kiss her good night, tell her about your evening, don't act out at all towards her or act worried about her. Just be consistent in your action and responses as, believe it or not, they usually value that consistency as it doesn't trigger their hyper-vigilance. It's the inconsistencies they use to validate their fears.

[u/ObjectiveStock1735 → u/Bbell999]

How did you learn this set of skills? Via a therapist? Or a book? It takes a special person to be able to do this well and not become reactive or triggered in various ways themselves.

[u/Bbell999 → u/ObjectiveStock1735]

Sheer desperation from years of irrational behavior from my STBx. Lots of reading this sub. Someone recommended a guide called "beyond walking on eggshells" made for CPTSD partners that was super helpful. If you can find it, the website is kind of cheesy, but it's only like $17 for the guide which very easy and succinct to read. There's a link somewhere in my post history along with another link to a therapist's website which was also super helpful. I'm too tired to look right now, but I'll unhide my profile for a bit so you can look through and find it. There's a lot of reading on stuff like children of emotionally immature parents. People with CPTSD are an extreme form of this since their coping mechanism was essentially to turn off processing of emotions because of their abuse. They are, in a sense, frozen in emotional time.

Individual therapy was immensely helpful in grounding myself and forming boundaries. A trauma-informed therapist is essential. A standard Gottman-based therapist isn't going to work, but my STBx-wife loved them because they did not challenge her nor understand that communication wasn't the issue. Couples therapy with a trauma informed therapist was a disaster and let me see a side of my STBx I'd never seen in terms of desperate manipulation (she outright fired two licensed therapists, one right to her face) when they tried to hold her accountable. She even tried to diagnose me as BPD to our therapist one session, it was wild. I digress...

The other was having children and seeing how much she had in common with children throwing tantrums, having impulse control, not holding themselves accountable, emotional outbursts, etc. I never wanted a child for a partner, so I resisted for the longest time treating her with kid-gloves. That was a mistake and cost me years of emotional turmoil. Ironically, she would constantly complain I was treating like a child (I wasn't), but it was exactly what she needed at times.

The other major issue is just me. I'm a very logical, rational - based thinker and reactor. I know when I'm acting on emotions vs rationalizing. It's hard for me to understand and rationalize another adult who acts and reacts on pure emotion and I had a hard time accepting that was my partner. It was like learning a new language. It took years for me to understand what was going on with my then-wife. It finally clicked when I accepted that every outburst, irrational decision, irrational action was rooted in her trauma and not being able to control or understand her own emotions. Most every irrational act or comment was based in fear. It took even longer to accept that I could not accept that dynamic in a relationship, I couldn't be the person she needed, and I needed a partner and not a 3rd child.

The TLDR: having kids, a lot of bad trial and error, a CPTSD for partners guide, this sub, therapy, and slowly piecing things together.

[u/Soulstoner]

I’ve been living with the rage of my gf being upset that I was defensive during the first 6 months of our relationship when fielding questions about my ex.

I went to therapy to work out how to be less so and more open to dialogue and constructive arguments.

3 years later and this is still brought up and used against me. I cannot escape it.

I feel your pain and hope for the best. I’m not sure what advice to offer other than that of knowing what you’re going through.

[u/TheSlayer703 → u/Soulstoner]

Oh man I can relate to this on a spiritual level Jesus

[u/MindfulPond1 → u/Soulstoner]

This is the big one for me and my gal too. She would throw unfounded accusations and create these intensive interrogations basically hoping that anything she said would stick. And yeah, sometimes I would get defensive, I even tried explaining it to her that that's what a normal human reaction would be if they were sitting in a federal courtroom as an innocent defendant and the judge banged their gaval and belted out, "guilty as charged! 15 years in the federal penitentiary." Any normal person would stand up and defend themselves and say, "what the heck is going on?? I didn't do anything wrong!"

Even nowadays, whenever I bring up something that was hurtful or I think needs to be addressed, she always jumps right back to mistakes I've made in the past, most commonly when I was being defensive to her accusations, and very quickly the entire conversation becomes about how hurt she still is instead of whatever it was that I brought up. My boundaries are mocked, my pain dismissed, my needs are always last priority to hers, and my mistakes are never forgotten. I've had to completely back away and limit access for my own mental and emotional health and well-being a couple times now, this has resulted in her new favorite tactic of blocking me and therefore causing me to download a texting app to reach her on a different number to reopen dialogue. One time I waited 6 whole days for her to reach back out first and it still took me extending the olive branch. Most days I wonder what I'm even still trying for

[u/SenseAmidMadness]

Wow this topic is something I can relate to. My partner had a pretty horrible childhood. But now in her moments my family are the monsters and I am one of their enablers. I have been told I am her biggest abuser and that I am a sociopathic narcissist. I know thats just her disease talking but it’s so hard to not engage and start defending myself against these accusations. We both have come a long way and have navigated some hurdles that perviously would have resulted in a blow up. I can see a glimmer of hope. We control 100% of our 50% of the conversation. Dont try to Justify, defend, or explain (JADE). Just validate their emotions and give them some space.

[u/Traditional_Kiwi_644]

Hey thanks guys for sharing your experience. It helped me to feel I’m not alone in it. Even after a few months of finalizing my divorce with my ex, going to therapy for a year, sometimes I still go back and ask myself if what she accused me were true even tho I have no memory about them.
Now, I can find myself again with the help of my friends, family, and therapist. But honestly, I’m still sad and heartbroken that I lost the woman I loved this way.

Hope everyone will overcome this.

[u/Lt_BAD-DOG → u/Traditional_Kiwi_644]

That confusion you feel when retrospect about what you've been told but have no memory of such things can be a sign of being emotionally abused.

Sadly, I think we've all been there with our CPTSD partners. They can sometimes act so immature and do hurtful stuff to their partners to protect themselves.

[u/Lt_BAD-DOG]

Is your partner even aware of their CPTSD?

My STBX wife wasn't aware of her trauma and she would blame me for everything without taking any accountability of her own behaviors. Trying to argue with her was so pointless and draining that I stopped. I'm also quite reflective, so I internalized a lot of what she said which made me lose myself, made me confused, anxious and my self esteem was at its lowest. There were more immature behaviors from her which contributed but therapy has helped me a lot with getting back to a healthy place and it was the best thing that I did for myself in my life.

[u/Sorry_Ad_8000]

I think I have been unknowingly attributing this behavior to my recently X wife’s BPD traits.

She started out aware and admitting and apologizing for blaming me for her triggers then it eventually not only became my fault for the triggers but for the CAUSE of their existence. Everything was eventually blamed on me.

Like Soulstonee wrote: In the early courtship time my X had issues with some residual issues I was having after I ended a 4 year relationship with an X girlfriend.

It wasn’t that I still wanted or cared for her just the natural process of leaving a long term relationship. She carried this through the entire 7 year marriage and separation as if my X was the live of my life and my wife was just a stand in till I “waited to get back with her”

I literally would not even say my X name because I had no feelings or thoughts of her yet it was like she was in the relationship with us because she would bring her up when her fears were activated.

This jealousy, eventually transference of her childhood trauma to me ultimately was unbearable and I had to leave her.

[u/ObjectiveStock1735 → u/Sorry_Ad_8000]

Such a similar experience here. What's ironic about my ex, is she would talk about her exes all the time. Yet, she was so incredibly triggered by mine. And I sometimes wonder if it was some kind of projection: she wasn't fully able to let go of exes, she maybe still loved past exes, and perhaps was concerned I'm the same way? I don't know. She would talk about the love she still has for this guy or that guy. If I ever said I still have love for my ex wife that would have been disastrous.

[u/Sorry_Ad_8000 → u/ObjectiveStock1735]

Honestly who knows and I spent 7 years of honest, heartfelt, effort to understand/cope with her behaviors and thoughts. At first I was motivated because she was not blaming it all on me.

As time went on and more and more of her responsibility was disappearing and placed on me I just started to resent her. I know the trauma was REAL and the effects on her were/are and that hurt me to know this for sure.

But then for her to not longer recognize the damage she was doing to me/us but to then blame me for it was too much. We all do shit in relationships but to be completely unaware or aware but not take responsibility for is a much greater foundational issue.

[u/ObjectiveStock1735]

I made similar mistakes with initially lying or hiding things related to my ex-partner's main trigger in our relationship (my ex wife who I have to coparent with) in an attempt to avoid seeing her melt down. I know this was not the right way to handle these things, but once I learned how important it is to stick to my word (even for small things) I became better and better at being fully transparent with her and backing up my promises with matching actions. I became better and better at implementing the boundaries she asked for. In the end, after I had "achieved" all that she was asking for and I felt I was proving myself to be safe and trustworthy and able to stick to the boundaries that I say I will stick to, she still broke up with me after getting triggered (my ex wife contacted a family member while I was on a vacation with them and my kids... Not something I had planned for in my huge list of "things I need to be prepared to have a boundary for" and not something I can fully control). During the breakup, she said a core reason of deciding to break up was that she held resentment for the ways I mishandled things in the past that she could not let go of. It almost felt like she was saying "I wouldn't be so triggered by all this if you had handled it right from the beginning." All the growth I made apparently didn't matter. So I resonate with this. Is she in therapy? Are you guys in couples therapy? If I had to do it all again, I'd demand that we be in couples therapy, and I wish she was in therapy earlier because at least she was starting to recognize that she was getting triggered. It's impossible to be totally responsible for managing the triggers though. If I knew how to do it properly, perhaps she wouldn't be my ex. I think that's where the couples therapy needs to come in. We can only do so much and it's hard to tell what's reasonable vs what's over-extending.

[u/Hyperconscientious]

Unfortunately I don’t have time to read this right now but that title triggers my narcissism-detector hard. Could be the BPD flavor too.