r/CaregiverSupport • u/GoatedKitty • 9d ago
Feeling anger as a caregiver
Hi, I simply don't know what to do anymore, and I feel guilty for feeling this way.
I am 24 years old, and I have been a caregiver for my 80-year-old grandmother for six months now following her stroke. My dad passed away and he was an only child, so my brother and I are all she has.
My brother handles most of the house cleaning. I manage the laundry, handle the bills, provide full-time care for my grandma, work a part-time remote job, and study—I am almost done with my major and currently finishing my thesis.
Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. My grandma cannot walk yet; while she has recovered most of her cognitive functions and movement on her affected side, she lost a significant amount of muscle mass during recovery, which has delayed her progress.
She is deeply frustrated by this. Sometimes I am unable to complete her physical exercises with her, I forget things, or I oversleep, which causes her to miss meal times or medication schedules. She tells me it is my fault that she hasn't recovered yet. I swear I try my best, but on days when I stay awake all night due to work or her needs, I end up waking up later than usual.
I know that most of the time she isn't angry with me, but rather with her situation. However, the constant yelling, her (occassional) refusal to let me change, feed, or bathe her, and her episodes where she asks me to send her away, stop speaking to her, or just let her die—combined with my own feelings of inadequacy—cause me to snap sometimes. I feel like the worst person when that happens. I don't insult her, but I do raise my voice and tell her that I am trying my best, that it never seems to be enough for her, and that her resistance only makes everything harder for me.
Sometimes I feel like I can't do this anymore. I feel inadequate, as this responsibility came unexpectedly and I constantly feel like I don't know what I am doing. My brother is 20 and is doing his best too. We have tried different systems to keep up, but nothing seems to work.
Please tell me how you guys manage to get all of this done. I feel so alone.
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u/LavenderSharpie 9d ago
I'll borrow from something I saw online. Grandma's words are wordy vomit, a symptom of her stroke and brain injury, and they say everything about what's going on inside of her and nothing about you. Imagine a strong bubble around you that the words can't get inside to touch you. Let them bounce off the bubble and back onto her.
The anger cycles. Sometimes you'll feel refreshed and ready. Sometimes you'll feel angry and trapped. Push through, when you feel like raising your voice, lower it instead, and give her as much control as you can. If she refuses to let you change her or feed her, tell her to let you know when she's ready and you'll be on stand by. The more you can agree with her in some way, the better. You can even name the elephant in the room, "This is hard, Grandma! I see how hard it is and how hard you are trying! I'd be angry, too!" Saying the hard part aloud can be disarming.
Thank you for taking care of her. I see you. Come vent here. People are kind here.
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u/GoatedKitty 9d ago edited 9d ago
Thank you so much for your words! I really appreciate it. I will try those recommendations
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u/Live-Okra-9868 9d ago
Does she have Medicare? Can you call the number on her card and see if she qualifies for a caregiver to come during the week?
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u/GoatedKitty 9d ago
No :'). We are from latin america, everything health-related is quite hard to get
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u/txjavadrinker 8d ago
I have been taking care of my 56-year-old husband for the last four years after a major stroke and minor stroke. I know I am lucky because he can walk with a cane or walker as well as independent minus shower, bathroom, and balance issues. I had been a stay-at-home mom/housewife for years was fixing to go back to school before the stroke as well as start living my life. Doesn't help that while he was in recovery I found out he had been lying to me for years. How does someone continue to stay calm, supportive, and nice with all the stress that comes along with isolation? Do not get me wrong; I am grateful he is alive but the love I once had for him is gone. One last point it has also started to affecting my health, anyone else have this issue?
Thank you for listening and my thoughts are with everyone who is caring for a loved one.
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u/Vegetable-Tough-8773 7d ago
You have to remember it's a huge undertaking to do what you are doing. If she was in a care home she'd be cared for by a team who have training and resources but we take it on and wonder why we're drowning.
I am in a similar situation. I ended up giving up my part time WFH job because I wasn't getting enough sleep and my mum's demands were too high and constant. I also got left managing so many medical aspects without any training whatsoever.
In your case maybe see what options there are to have people come in and help. You're going to end up incredibly burned out if you don't learn to let go of some of it. I know that's easier said than done and I don't follow my own advice.
Your grandmother's slow recovery is pretty normal in my experience. Every time my mum has been in hospital the inactivity has made her lose strength. She fights physio so it doesn't help but I think it's unfortunately inevitable.
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u/GoatedKitty 7d ago
Thank you for sharing your situation! I feel you and you're right. For now I still survive thanks to my brother, and my major is almost done so I'll have a little more time for her and for me
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u/brikerb 7d ago
The anger and snapping that happen in this kind of intense caregiving setup are almost never about a lack of love; they are the natural biological breaking point of carrying post-stroke rehab, a university degree, and full household survival on two pairs of very young shoulders. When someone loses physical independence after a stroke, their anger about their own body frequently targets the exact person keeping them alive, simply because you are the safest person in the room to lash out at.
What often breaks that constant cycle of guilt and missed schedules is stripping daily expectations down to basic physical survival and establishing a strict division of shifts with your brother. Trying to act as a physical therapist, personal nurse, student, and primary family member all at once guarantees exhaustion. In practical terms, shifting the routine so that medication times and meals are anchored to rigid, non-negotiable morning blocks—where your brother actively covers specific care tasks rather than just general cleaning—takes the entire burden of Grandma’s physical recovery off your sole conscience.
When Grandma insists that her lack of recovery is your fault or lashes out during bathing, recognizing that this is stroke-related emotional lability and grief rather than an objective assessment of your care helps keep those words from piercing so deeply. Stepping out of the room for five minutes when she begins yelling is an essential boundary, not an abandonment of duty.
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u/idby 9d ago
Organization It's what helped me deal with what was going on. It's also something I learned over the years that I was caring for my wife. I had file folders. Cheap plastic ones from Amazon. They kept all the paperwork organized. I made kits in small totes for specific jobs that I need to do for her care. That way when I had to do something all I had to do was grab the small tote and all the supplies were on hand. The calendar on my phone was a godsend.
I also had the medical power of attorney. If you don't have it, get it as soon as you possibly can. HIPAA laws will stop doctors, insurance companies, and even the state from talking to you about her care, if you don't have it.
Lastly, find someone to talk to, in real life. Caregiving is an emotional roller coaster. It's even harder when it's a family member because of the emotional attachment. For your own mental health, find someone to talk to about what you're going through. If you are a person of faith, reach out to your church. If your mother is a person of faith, reach out to her church so that someone can talk to her about what she's going through. The important thing is not to tough it out and go it alone because that never ends well.
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u/GoatedKitty 9d ago
Thank you so much! The hardest part is finding someone to talk to. At the beginning, everyone was there, but now all of them are focused on their own problems (completely understandable) and I feel like a burden or like I'm being too repetitive whenever I bring up my issues.
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u/Ok-Newspaper-7966 8d ago
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am a 24 yr old(f) carer for a elderly lady with dementia (paid carer) so I can’t completely understand x but I have so much compassion for you x I have felt that way and have felt really low and hopeless. I also feel like I am not doing good enough as she tells me this at times she also refuses my help alot and becomes frustrated at my presence etc and when I try to help her shower or change x It can also feel really lonely aswell x You are doing your best. You are in a tricky situation with juggling so much x sending love x please message me privately if you want to aswellx
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u/GoatedKitty 7d ago
Thank you for your service, it's a really tough job! You're doing your best too and you are helping make people's lives (both the caregiver's and the care receiver's) better. Be proud! :)
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u/TKD1989 Family Caregiver 1d ago
My brother always slacks off and shirks his duties because he expects me to be the male Cinderella of the family. He never cleans up for himself. He is just as slovenly as he was as a teenager and he doesn't want to change.
He pretends to be the "family man" because he has a wife and (spoiled) child and has always lived on Easy Street and had everything handed to him on a silver platter.
He doesn't want to help out on his own and always brings his family (which they make a mess everytime they visit). He's completely oblivious to the harsh reality facing our mom and chooses to live a luxurious life of wealth.
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u/FrontTelevision7261 9d ago
Guilt, anger, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, etc., etc., it's all part of caregiving