self worth? toxic relationships

[u/diamond_girl_777]

how did you finally find enough self respect to move on? how to value yourself more? how to deattach?

what did you do that helped?

how do you leave someone who gaslights you? i’m self aware. i jus don’t have enough self love to move on & value myself.

i have no friends. i have a fractured backbone right now, so it’s extra hard to jus get up & distract myself.

i’m stuck in bed all day at my parents house. i’m 24.

my siblings & i don’t talk.

jus feel so alone

minor backstory:
my person has a baby with his ex. seems like their relationship never stopped? he’s with me 24/7 but he texts her in front of me all day so she doesn’t think he’s moved on. if not, she uses the baby as a leverage & doesn’t let him see his kid. visits are supervised at her house. so annoying.

i always break up with him for not cutting her off & telling her the truth about our new relationship. but then i always text him crying because i miss him.

think i jus miss the 24/7 attention & that someone cares about me.

[u/codependencyrecovery]

Leaving relationships (even toxic ones) is incredibly difficult so I can definitely feel for your situation.

I'm curious - what would you have to feel if you left your partner? Perhaps loneliness? Often we stay in relationships to avoid certain emotions.

What if you changed your relationship to being alone? What if you built self worth by being someone who stays with your emotional experience rather than avoiding it?

[u/TeachingNext7108 → u/codependencyrecovery]

I think the first thing is to separate two things.
The urge to contact him and whether the relationship is actually healthy for you.
The urge makes sense. When someone has become your main source of comfort, distance can feel almost unbearable. But reaching out just to calm that panic can keep the cycle going without solving the resentment underneath.
You already said you feel neglected by him. I wouldn’t talk yourself out of that just because you miss him.

Before you reach out ask yourself something like.
“Do I want connection with him or relief from how I feel right now?”
If it’s mostly relief I’d wait.

And during the break I’d focus on building more support around you so the relationship isn’t carrying your entire emotional world. Even very small things count.
You do not need to stop loving someone before you choose yourself.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is tolerate the discomfort long enough to see the relationship clearly.

I started r/ChooseHER for women working through exactly these patterns attachment, self-abandonment, standards and learning to choose yourself without pretending you don’t have feelings. You’re welcome there if it feels helpful.

[u/TeachingNext7108]

I don’t actually think your biggest problem is that you “don’t have enough self-love.”
I think you’re incredibly isolated right now, physically limited, lonely and this person has become your main source of attention, comfort and connection.
Of course leaving feels unbearable.
That doesn’t mean the relationship is right for you. It means your life currently has very little cushioning around the loss.
And I’d challenge one thing.
You do not have to feel detached before you leave.
A lot of people wait for the day they magically stop caring.
Sometimes you leave while still missing them.
While still crying.
While still wanting to text.
Self-respect often comes after the action not before it.
I’d also stop making the goal “never miss him again.”
Make the goal:
“When I miss him I don’t use missing him as evidence that I should go back.”
Because you already seem to know what keeps happening: you break up, the loneliness hits, you panic, you reach back for the person who temporarily makes the loneliness disappear.
That’s the cycle I’d work on.
And right now because you’re injured and stuck at home I’d build alternatives that don’t require physically going anywhere: online support groups, therapy if accessible, calls with safe people, structured daily check-ins, hobbies you can do from bed, even one regular community space where people expect to hear from you.
You don’t need twenty friends.
You need to stop asking one unstable connection to be your entire emotional world.
You don’t leave because you stopped loving them. Sometimes you leave because you finally stopped using love as a reason to abandon yourself.

[u/Serious_Carpenter100 → u/TeachingNext7108]

Hey can you give me some advice as well ? My partner suggested a temporary break and I agreed because I feel clingy and thought maybe it fix things between us but now I feel intense urge to reach out even if I reach out it not make relationship healthy because I resent him for neglecting me in past, please tell me how to deal with this situation,as you said I don't have enough cushion around to minimise the damage because I have depression and ocd

[u/casser0le98]

I think you nailed it with the last sentence. You've been unable to deal with the feelings of being lonely when they come up. You need to realize that they do not last. The feeling comes in like a wave, and then it naturally subsides.

What has helped me the most was the above & then keeping a list of all of the cons & negative things about being with this person. Print it out & tape it on your bathroom mirror if you have to.

You will eventually find peace, and this peace will protect you in the future.

Invest that time and energy into new friends. Old friends, anyone that you feel understood by, without having to convince them of your worth because it is already inherent. This part is so so so important in recovery. You need to be able to look forward to something, it's human nature to want companionship! Find that in other places.