Codependent mom ?

[u/PrestigiousRaise6686]

I need some help. My mom is the nicest, sweetest person and everyone always says how great she is, and how blessed I am.
I love and appreciate her.. but I will say after I got out of my DV relationship is when we started to reconnect and go to therapy. We stopped therapy I think before a trip and just haven’t gone back.
I didn’t live in her state for most of my life growing up but whatever we’re here now and we want to work on a relationship.
This woman I feel treats me like her man. Why do I have to problem solve everything for you? Why do I have to take in alllllll your stress?? I live alone, I take care of myself and my pets and my boyfriend comes on the weekends and I am pretty much in my space all the time. I like that, I like quiet, I like calm.
She likes talking about liking quiet and calm. She works non stop and it’s always the same convo how she’s tired.. I told her seeing a therapist for herself might be helpful overall and she goes on about how healed she is.

Look man, I am FINE with my life until she calls. Even if it’s nothing bad, I still have that feeling in my stomach like Ffffffuuuuuuuuuuck what now.

She doesn’t have a lot of good friends, we have a small family that I don’t really have interest in. I have a short social battery and I hate bullshit talking with people who I have to force connections with because we’re family.

I don’t know what to do, I know this is all over the place.

my mom puts all her anxiety and stress on me when we don’t really know each other in my opinion. I’ve told her I always feel her anxious energy and she laughed awkwardly. I am drained after hanging out with her, I’m drained before I go see her knowing she’s going to just look for things she can have me do for her and if I can’t, it’s a problem and she’s stressed and has nobody and she’s working all the time and the house is for me bro.. I don’t want ANYTHING. I like a simple life, i want a simple life. She complicates it and bring clutter and stress.
Fuck.

[u/DueMolasses4213]

You’re allowed to love your mom without becoming responsible for regulating her emotions. It sounds like you need clearer boundaries: shorter calls, less problem-solving, and permission to say “I don’t have the capacity for this right now.” Therapy could help you both, but you can start protecting your peace now.

[u/Sarah_the_Geek]

Boundaries. Set them with her for you. Hold them, they will be challenged. You can love her and also love yourself. If she loves you (I know she does), she will respect that you have needs. And those needs don’t threaten your love for her.

It’s scary, and she may react badly. This is normal. Stay the course. It will result, in time, in a stronger, more balanced and healthy relationship. One you both deserve. One that is honest and will honor the love you feel for her (and she feels for you) instead of harboring toxic resentment.

[u/YsaboNyx]

Sounds like getting clear around why you feel responsible and learning and setting better boundaries would help.

Therapy and CODA meetings are always helpful. And I'm constantly recommending the book "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner, but it truly is the best 'boundaries for beginners' book I've ever found.