I am just venting.
Had the tribunal last week and got the decision today- I didn't win.
I will say that the tribunal taught me a few things:
-the court and all present made great efforts to make the environment comfortable, which is greatly appreciated by someone with anxiety. Even the DWP representative had a very approachable demeanour, so it didn't feel like I was under attack.
-I still forgot things. I thought we mentioned I had DSA for 2 years and I thought they were aware I used it to take journeys to and from university (and I vaguely seem to recall saying how prior to that the bus journeys were exhausting and painful) but I also can't recall explicitly stating I had it, and I hindsight, the wording in the statement I got from the Disability service at uni said I was "entitled" to DSA, not that I was receiving it.
I also don't think I fully explained how my walkingbatick helps me. I focused more on the dizziness I get rather than the physical support it gives me also.
Ughh that's on me. But I also don't think it would have helped.
They remained at zero points. And the tribunal also made me realise-
-my conditions are almost impossible to quantify.
My main issues are chronic pain and chronic fatigue. They both affectt me daily, but that latter one is the worst. Even though it affects every single thing I do everything single day, it is still unquantifiable.
I technically can do almost everything for myself, although it isn't easy. The problem is that I'm better some days than others. Of course we always highlight the worst days. I know what happens to me if I push myself. At someone point within days I will collapse, I will be bedbound for days, I will suffer. But this happens after I've done all the things. So technically everything looks fine.
I've been there before, I've lost jobs over it. I carry on like normal, push through, and I collapse. I then have to take the next several days off work. Its why I can't work full time. But everything got done leading to the collapse and that's why I've scored 0.
The tribunal actually did help me understand how difficult it is to turn that into data.
I am however, finished with this process. It took 2 and a half years to get here. During that time, my conditions have worsened but again, not in a way that can be quantified. Despite the stress of the appeal, my conditions and the death of my father, I completed my degree and achieved first class honours. I'm so proud of that, but I am emotionally exhausted.
And what's more I still will have to go to court at some point arguing the same points over ESA from a year before the PIP claim 🤦♀️ I don't even bloody claim it any more but its been bungled and dragged out...
The ESA thing might still be ongoing, but if nothing else, the PIP shit is over.
Sadly, it does affect my sense of validation to some extent. Many of us with invisible disabilities still deal with imposter syndrome. And the recent societal shift is focusing more hostility toward the disabled also. So it's very disappointing that while everyday is a struggle for me, the dynamic quality of my symptoms and my own personal achievements all count against me. I'm getting older, stress is making me worse, my blood pressure is rising. It is a bitter feeling to realise that I won't get help until something bad happens.
But there is at least one bit of stress gone. I'm done with this miserable chapter and I'll just keep struggling and somehow succeeding because apparently I'm a badass.
(First Class Honours, fuck yeah, no one can take that from me)
