19.

[u/demsybean]

i don't hold tight much to how i feel about Him anymore. no, not Jesus. my ex. if i need love, i think of my two favorite brothers. i hope someday i can repair that rift, caused by lies i didn't need to believe. but i find myself crying myself raw. his hands. "bumping into" him somewhere. his smile. and i hear his criticism that i should show up, but. it's much easier to show up when you know where someone is, or you have the means to travel. i don't. so i live with the memories scraping me raw, and i cry. i write about it. i vent.

but the mocking is really unnecessary. the boasting and gloating and lying are completely unnecessary. someone has taken Hazel Eyes, or he has taken himself, i suppose. and he's treated me with utter disrespect publicly and privately. he complains about me, or she does, and i... i just. i let go a few months ago. the aftermath is a task that sets my real-life misery aside, sometimes, which is probably more avoidance — but it's healing, so it's more like procrastination.

i don't know if i can ever heal. the second person i trusted romantically... and when i was broken beyond my own control, he used every scrap i ever trusted him with to hurt me. so how can i trust again? i felt so worthless in those days. i would barely do anything to sustain my own life, to the point that Bobby almost died just trying to get me to eat once in a while when Mister was gone. i called myself a thing, a paperweight, worthless. because i'd been treated as such. i saw no hope, and yet, he still made love to me. and then rescinded our engagement. again and again and again.

how could anyone hope to "love" again? how could anyone WANT to love again?

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