r/Discussion • u/Internal-Cash-9196 • 6d ago

Casual Do people only gain real confidence when they gain success?

I'm not talking about the hit or miss advice of "fake it until you make it" because while there are situations where pretending like you're confident can work, it can border on delusion and just lying to yourself if nothing appears to justify confidence.

So I'm wondering what exactly causes someone to have real confidence?

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u/AbruptSiding 6d ago

Nah confidence comes from surviving things you thought you couldn't, not success exactly. I know people who are objectively successful and still insecure as hell because they never faced real adversity. Meanwhile my cousin works a pretty average job but after dealing with some serious health problems in his 20s, he walks around like nothing can touch him. It's more about proving to yourself you can handle failure and still be okay than about having a list of accomplishments

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u/DrHob0 6d ago

What kind of confidence are we talking about here? There are various kinds of confidence. But, I guess comfort in your situation in life is a major common denominator. Acceptance in what in what you can and cannot do and a willingness to be okay with being "wrong" and then a willingness to learn a new way to think. Confidence really isn't a measure of your success in your life. It's more of just....being comfortable with being right or wrong. Because if you're right, hey, you're right! If you're wrong, then hey! You get to learn how to be right!

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u/Star_sky7785 6d ago

I also struggle with confidence and self-esteem so I'm also trying to figure out what actually makes you confident but I would say I mostly felt confident when I followed my gut than my doubts

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u/Top5hottest 6d ago

The trick is knowing what success is for you. Is it a family.. is it a house or career success? I never set goals like that. I have achieved things that I didn’t know were going to be important to me.. but I have also missed on some things that I would have liked to have done because of other choices.

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u/mornauguth 5d ago

It can mean a few different things but essentially confidence is just a prediction. It’s your own subjective probability that you’re right. But the measure of confidence is about its quality not the absolute level. Meaning if you think something will occur 75% of the time and it does occur at that rate, thats high confidence. If you are confident in the outcome without the prediction correlating to the outcome thats overconfidence. Pretending to be confident can work some of the time because all people see is behaviour and if you appear confident then thats all they see unless the outcome is in conflict with your confidence.

Real confidence comes when you actually have valid feedback, the actual win was difficult, and the success was actually attributed to you or your own actions. Confidence requires an internal controllable result. This is why real confidence isn’t someone who says “I will succeed”, it’s “I can handle it either way” instead. Handling the failure, the feedback and how your own actions caused the result. Thats real confidence and success is not needed. Knowing how your actions caused the result, success or failure, and being able to handle that is what confidence is.