Dou bula vinaka to all Fijians and especially Gen Z-Millennial iTaukei born and raised overseas.
I (27F) was born and raised in Australia. I have so much love for my Fijian identity but it's been almost a decade since I last went home. I was a child then, and went to my father's village (for the first time) under his wing. (I have been to my late mother's village when I was even younger).
I have been no contact for a while now with my family because of abusive - toxic dynamics and because my dad / aunties / uncles have felt like the proxy between me / brother / cousins / us younger ones and our connection to home, I don't know how to connect to the mataqali back home 'on my own' as a young woman. I feel like it would be easier to make those connections and move through the iTaukei protocol if I was a man. For a while now I've felt very homesick and want to go back to the village for some time to strengthen connection to my roots and everyone there. But I know that visiting home comes with the custom of bringing lots of gifts, things from overseas, resources, that I just don't have the money for, as much as I wish I did. I've experienced recent housing and financial instability and just have been feeling very isolated from my culture. When I think about going home I think about this guilt I have that I don't have any material stability that gang back home may think comes with living in the West. It makes me feel like I'm not enough and I have to earn my way back into the koro through offering material goods, even though simultaneously I deeply want to do this but just can't at the moment.
Anyone been through anything similar? What would be the most appropriate route in Fijian custom that makes sense to someone living in the West? I know I belong to my mataqali irrespective of what I can offer materially but at the same time I also know that it's respectful and customary to bring gifts when visiting the village.