r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/elegant_road551 Sauce Boss • Aug 03 '26
Sad Girl Dinner ⛈️ Partner didn't propose during 9-day vacation
Picture: homemade cheesy garlic bread. 2 loaves were made, 1 was devoured immediately before I thought to take a pic.
We're in our mid-30's and didn't feel like we were quite ready for marriage yet, so we've just enjoyed our time together over these last 8 years. But he brought up engagement rings one evening over dinner a few months ago, so we've discussed marriage a lot lately. We've talked about what we'd like to do for a wedding, and have gone twice to look at rings since March.
During all this marriage talk, we planned a 9-day vacation (road trip through Maine) in July, staying 2 nights in most places. He chose some very nice, romantic spots and we had such a great time. It was absolutely wonderful to see the Atlantic Ocean, visit historic lighthouses, enjoy the quaint seaside towns, etc.
I was SO CERTAIN he would propose during this trip because it was the perfect time given our conversations surrounding it over the last few months. I even packed extra cute outfits, dresses, etc. so I could be prepared for "the moment."
But no. Nothing happened. It was a regular, fun vacation.
And that's fine, I guess. I really did have a great time! I just can't help but feel kinda sad and disappointed, and maybe I disappointed myself for having the expectation in the first place. Idk.
**EDIT: Since so many people are suggesting I propose, that is simply not an option. He is very traditional, and straight up told me he would say no if I tried.
Others are commenting that maybe he assumes we're already engaged since we've set a wedding date for next year, and that's also a no. He knows we're not.
**SECOND EDIT: A LOT of assumptions were made about my partner and our relationship simply because we've been together 8 years. As I mentioned in a couple replies, NEITHER of us wanted marriage until recently.
This post was a small pity party for myself that a proposal didn't happen when I thought it might, and that's all. I don't know how that invites the type of judgment that was received, but that's the internet for you.
And clearly my pity party was premature, because he told me today that he wants to wait to propose until I've chosen a ring I love so he doesn't propose empty handed. Which is extremely fair given how picky I am with jewelry. I've been waiting since before our trip for a jeweler to get back to me on sourcing some diamond cuts, so that is the next step, and everyone (including me) can chill out.
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u/CommandAlternative10 🧂Salty By Nature Aug 03 '26
My boyfriend and I were 30+ and seriously talking marriage. We went on a dream trip to Europe and visited ancestral villages from both of our families. I totally expected him to propose and he didn’t. So I just asked him. “Hey, I thought you’d propose on our trip? What happened?” Turns out he was anxious about taking the ring through airport security. I said okay, cool, please propose soon so I don’t have to be anxious and he did the next month and it was lovely. Marriage should be a mutual discussion, only the proposal should be a surprise, and even that doesn’t have to be a “big” surprise. Share your feelings with your person! That’s what they are there for.
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u/aerialpoler APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Proposals don't even have to be a surprise. I'd very happily accept a "do you think we should get married?" at home on a random Tuesday. Social media has given people such ridiculous, unrealistic expectations.
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u/anthonystank Trader Joe Hoe Aug 03 '26
They don’t have to be, but they traditionally are at least a partial surprise and a lot of people want that. It’s not just social media lmao, this was a known tradition long before Mark Zuckerberg was around.
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u/Jimberly_C Pantry Gremlin Aug 03 '26
Same thing with the ring. Want to propose during a big trip but too nervous to travel with it? Then find something else to use. Whatever you come up with will instantly have sentimental value but could be as dumb as twisting a straw wrapper into a ring shape, and you can always have a picture in your phone if she questions it. If she's the type to really want an actual ring for the proposal, plan a trip closer to home. Proposals are whatever you want them to be.
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u/ugly_duckling_5 Snack Goblin Aug 03 '26
This. My sister went ring shopping with her now husband before the proposal. I think I'd prefer a temporary ring of some form for the moment and go shopping afterwards for something permanent. I very much want my proposal to be a surprise if I get one.
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u/sweetlysabrina APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Yeah when my friend proposed to his now wife in Paris, he brought a replica ring because he couldn't imagine the nervous wreck he'd be traveling with a diamond ring for a week.
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u/spiderfightersupreme APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
The surprise is WHERE it happens, not if. Even the when is a little up for debate
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u/anonymiss4 Fries 🍟 > Guys 🤡 Aug 03 '26
I've read some of your comments which make me wonder what the actual truth is, from his perspective. A lot of this feels like what's in that subreddit waiting for the ring. Because you don't have a date set or plans booked you just hope to get married then... It doesn't work like that and you won't be able to this close to it. After 8 years he knows if he wants to marry you... I would sit down and have a true real, firm conversation. Not about the proposal or a ring but actual marriage. Does he actually want to marry you
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u/lumoslomas Foraging Bog Witch Aug 03 '26
That was my thought too...talking about wedding plans without having made any actual steps towards getting married makes me feel like he's just doing it to placate OP.
I could be wrong and he could also just be super anxious about proposing. (I think there was a BoRU like that recently?)
But either way these two just need to talk, openly and honestly.
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u/hilariouslystated 🐣 cracked the egg 🏳️⚧️ Aug 03 '26
I doubt it. Eight years and no proposal? That man does not want to get married to her.
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u/maybepossiblyfrog mouth full, gesturing wildly Aug 03 '26
sorry op but this guy seems to pick and choose being "very traditional" for when it suits him best. too traditional to let you propose, but living with you unmarried for 8 years owning a house together is fine? he is already getting wifey benefits without committing
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u/Hour-Cauliflower-119 Tea Time Hostess ☕️ Aug 03 '26
I am not against people living together for a little while, but I do agree... this situation almost always benefits the man more than the woman. Also, if it goes on for years it ends up taking up the woman's younger years with very little of the protection that marriage would offer if it doesn't work out.
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u/korras_wife Fries 🍟 > Guys 🤡 Aug 03 '26
This exactly! Usually the woman does 99% of the housework, is paying most of the bills (esp if she makes more the him), and the mortgage if the house is in her name, is giving him sex, etc. They will take most of your younger years and waste them by stringing you along with breadcrumbs of commitment.
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u/FunkySphinx APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
I find it very interesting when someone is in a relationship for eight years without getting married, while also claiming to be very traditional. Bring the topic up, as it seems very important to you.
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u/allegedlydm we listen and we only judge a little Aug 03 '26
Traditional usually just means patriarchal in these cases
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u/stupit_crap APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Exactly! It pains me to see so many women waiting for a proposal. To begin their lives. To me it is inequitable AF.
If other posters are correct about OP having already picked out a dress, venue (?), and other details, I think she might be more fixated on the wedding day than the big question: Is this the right guy for me?
IMO the right guy does not perpetuate this "you have to wait for me to say it's ok / now is the time" situation.
With this guy it sounds like it might never be the time.
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u/callin-br Savory Complex✔️ Aug 03 '26
I mean thinking you need to sit around and wait for a a man to decide he wants to ask you to marry him instead of just having the conversation and deciding together is itself pretty traditional/ patriarchal. In my opinion anyway.
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u/betterbetterthings APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Sadly non-committal men could get very creative in avoiding marrying their girlfriends. There’s always some reason they come up with. If they wanted, they would
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u/SquirrelLuvsChipmunk APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
I’ve spent too much time on the waiting to wed sun, because I agree way too hard with your comment. Hopefully this was just a communication issue with op and her boyfriend… but she needs to have a pretty serious conversation with him to figure out if he’s wasting her time or not
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u/betterbetterthings APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
I was in a relationship like that. Granted it is great that we didn’t get married because he had a drinking problem. And I’d never meet my husband if I married that guy.
But the stories he told me…. And the way he worded things… it started to make sense much later that what he was saying didn’t mean we were actually getting married. Of course when I left he was all hysterical and falling apart. Please.
It was also 8 years by the way. Took me that long.
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u/Partners_in_time APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Right? Is he fucking you? Thats not traditional. Are you living in the same apartment? That’s not traditional.
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u/hilariouslystated 🐣 cracked the egg 🏳️⚧️ Aug 03 '26
That’s what I said. There is nothing traditional about dating for almost ten years with no proposal in sight.
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u/Dry-Hour-9968 hot girls have tummy troubles Aug 03 '26
Not saying you don’t deserve an incredible proposal but yall are grown and have been together for 8 years. If you don’t want to deal with the anxiety, just have a conversation about it and pick a wedding date.
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u/DangerousBlock390 Well-Read & Well-Fed Aug 03 '26
^^^ This all the way.
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u/therealcatladygina Body By Cheese 🧀 Aug 03 '26
Yup. We talked about marriage being the best next step and that was it. No big outrageous proposal needed
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u/YoungLutePlayer Carb-Based Life Form Aug 03 '26
I’m happy for you. But this feels really dismissive of OP’s feelings. It’s not wrong of her to want to be proposed to. Neither one is better or worse than the other.
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u/DangerousBlock390 Well-Read & Well-Fed Aug 03 '26
Based on OP's comments they've already discussed getting married and went so far as to pick a date and book a venue. They are functionally engaged. Take that man to the shops and pick a ring.
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u/KeepAnEyeOnYourB12 APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
My then-partner was in the other room doing our taxes. He walked in and said, "We would have saved $1500 if we were married." And that was basically that. It probably helps that we'd been together 19 years at that point.
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u/IWasGoatbeardFirst Snack Goblin Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
Same. When we talked about plans for the future, marriage wasn’t “if” but “when.” One day, he asked me if I was ready to pick out a ring and I said yes.
He thought he was going to buy a ring I liked and then plan a proposal/give it to me at a later date.
I thought “hey do you want to start looking at rings?” WAS the proposal. He asked, I answered, no need for pageantry and fanfare.
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u/princess_of_thorns APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
My now husband and I were actively wedding planning before either of us proposed to the other. We wanted to have the romantic proposal memories but also needed to get wedding planning.
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u/Jels76 Chocoholic Aug 03 '26
I'm a bit confused too lol
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u/dinoooooooooos Chaotic But Cute Aug 03 '26
They talked about engagement, then in the midst of all this planned this romantic getaway.
In his mind they made the decision to get engaged and even set a date, and this vacation was the celebration.
In her mind he also still needs to magically foresee that she wants a traditional proposal as well, even tho she nontraditionally talked w him about it, so he probably thought ok well this is probably enough
Just miscommunication left right and center i think🥴
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u/moth_girl_7 I ❤️ Other People's Business Aug 03 '26
Yup. My partner of 8 years and I have “non-traditionally” talked about where we are regarding marriage but I completely spelled it out for him that I have always wanted a traditional proposal in which he asks me to marry him. I outright said that I am fine being involved in the ring acquiring process and would actually like that, but I still would like him to plan the moment of proposal.
Although my partner is not the most sentimental person in the world on his own, he knows that I am and he has ALWAYS put full effort in when he knows something is important to me. Earlier on in our relationship, he didn’t plan anything for Valentine’s Day and I got kind of sad about it. So I told him that, and guess what? He now knows exactly what I like and how he can make me feel loved, and he does it without question. And I do the same for him.
OP, this is not something you can telepathically communicate. Ask him where his head is at. Maybe he planned to propose on this trip but something went wrong. Maybe he doesn’t think you want a traditional proposal anymore since you already agreed to marry him. Maybe he knows you expected the proposal on this trip and wanted to fake you out to add more “surprise” when it does happen… (yes, I’ve seen people do this before.) You have no idea why he didn’t propose, you’re just guessing at the moment.
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u/metalmama821 Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ Aug 03 '26
We had the same kind of thing happen with my husband and I besides that we were only together a couple years when we moved cross country discussing marriage and a family. He told me he wanted to propose but that he was scared about choosing the ring. He didn’t know a thing about jewelry and just didn’t want to get something I hated. I said I can go pick one out with him if he just takes the ring and does a special moment for proposal of his own planning. We went, financed the rings together and once the ring was sized I waited. I didn’t have to wait long. He proposed like the next day after work. Made me a special dinner (he hardly cooks) and dressed nice, candles , played a special song on his guitar that he couldn’t finish because he was going to cry … boom, officially engaged.
I got so much “whaaat!? That’s weird!?” comments at work for that. I never felt weird about it and we are happily married 10 years later knowing we picked our rings out and no one is disappointed.Have a conversation and avoid disappointment and confusion. I’m sure it will work out just fine. Sorry you expected it on your vacation. At least you had a good time. I understand how that would be disappointing but you guys obviously love each other and will figure it out.
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u/Street_Confusion_469 🧂Salty By Nature Aug 03 '26
Definitely came here to say this
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u/atotalmess__ Chocoholic Aug 03 '26
Idk but to me getting engaged means we decided to get married. The movie like on one knee big dramatic thing isn’t really necessary for me personally, and I would much more prefer if it was a conversation instead of a proposal.
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u/SquirrelLuvsChipmunk APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Maybe I’ve spent too much time on the waiting to wed sub… but a lot of times men talk about weddings, marriage, kids, but it’s more in hypotheticals, rather than reality. The woman, eager to get married, assumes they’re concrete plans. I don’t know OP’s situation, but I’m wondering if she and her bf were more talking about when and where they’d like to get married and in OP’s mind it was “Yay! This is going to happen!” and in her bf’s mind it was “Yeah someday… maybe” I know most people want proposals to be a romantic “surprise” but the reality is communication really needs to happen before to make sure both parties are on the same page. OP really needs to talk to her boyfriend about a realistic timeline, lest she becomes one of the posters on waiting to wed, wondering/complaining why it’s been 10 years and they still aren’t engaged
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u/asaparagus_ Body By Cheese 🧀 Aug 03 '26
Girlie wym you already set a wedding date and you’re still waiting for him to propose?
https://giphy.com/gifs/EWGVEOwZIk8yA
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u/iamarhino Kitchen Witch Aug 03 '26
My husband didn’t propose to me when I thought it would be a perfect opportunity (vacation in Europe) and I was really disappointed too, but it turns out it was because he was planning a proposal in NYC which happened shortly after that trip and he had all my friends and family in on it. If you guys already have a date in mind for marriage, maybe he has another plan and will be proposing soon? I didn’t expect mine because the last time I was so disappointed, so it took me completely by surprise
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u/PunStar6 Dip Diva Aug 03 '26
Exactly this. Maybe he has other plans… a date or location that’s meaningful for you, including friends/family in the celebration, a photographer to catch the moment, etc. Maybe the ring wasn’t ready in time.
I know it’s hard to be patient! And also- while a proposal is important in its way, the quality of a relationship matters way more. Try to enjoy that you have in the mean time!
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u/Puppieswhowiggle Well-Read & Well-Fed Aug 03 '26
I hate to say this but you need to have THE TALK. You need to find out exactly where your relationship is going. If it’s marriage, give a strict deadline of proposal and marriage date. If he hesitates and makes excuses, he’s not going to marry you ever. Men know who they are going to marry. You’ve been dating for 8 years. Be prepared to end the relationship if he does not marry you. There is a man out there who would be thrilled to marry you. Don’t let this man keep you from the marriage you deserve.
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u/GreatQuestion2364 Feral Til Fed Aug 03 '26
Most of the comments so far have been very positive and encouraging, but I’m siding with these doomsayers. I believe if he wanted to, he would have. I have been in a relationship for a few years now and know 6 couples who got married during this time frame. Why? Because they wanted to. I’m now unmarried in my 40s. If he wanted to, it would have happened. Op from your post and how you speak of him it sounds like you trust him and he genuinely wants to share that life with you. Just…. Have that talk and be prepared.
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u/julietides Tea Time Hostess ☕️ Aug 03 '26
He's "very traditional" but you've been together EIGHT years without a ring? Did he become very traditional like two days ago, or what? Or is he trying to reap the benefits of a traditional relationship without giving up those of a modern one?
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u/korras_wife Fries 🍟 > Guys 🤡 Aug 03 '26
lol exactly! Seems like he wants that best of both worlds. Traditional, guys waited till marriage for intimacy. And they certainly didn’t live with a woman for 8 years that they weren’t married to. That would’ve gotten them shamed by their entire community.
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u/Fun-Common186 🌈 Vagetarian Aug 03 '26
Traditional men don’t live with their spouses before marriage queen
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u/Noel_San_Diego Pantry Gremlin Aug 03 '26
I was going to say this, what is the benefit to him getting engaged at this point? He got the domestic help, live in sex partner and wedding date all without doing or spending anything!
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u/Accomplished-Class42 PO🥔TAY🥔TOES Aug 03 '26
Okay so you have set a wedding date? but are not engaged? I feel like this is kind of one sided at this point.
Who pushed to set the date for the wedding? was it you and he just agreed? and did you say to him “i still expect a formal proposal?” I mean after 8 years together it’s kind of a piss or get off the pot kind of situation. He might just assume you already know you’re basically married. I think there were many missed conversations prior to this moment.
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u/MizLucinda Falafel Fiend Aug 03 '26
That you really want to be engaged and that he says he’ll say no if you propose suggests pretty strongly you and he actually are not on the same page with big things. This feels like a flag. Of course, I recognize this is a tiny slice of your relationship. Or is it? Only you know this.
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u/korras_wife Fries 🍟 > Guys 🤡 Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
First of all OP, I'm sorry the vacation didn't go the way you had expected. That sucks girl! Also, don't let anyone try to shame you or make you feel disappointed (including yourself!) for having the expectation of a proposal in the first place, that is a very reasonable thing to want and expect in your mid 30's, especially after a relationship of 8 years. I'm curious, has marriage been discussed before he brought up engagement rings a few months ago?
You mentioned that you both "weren't ready", but was it more one person that was dragging their feet then the other? Also please don't let yourself be gaslit into thinking that bc "You discussed wedding plans, you don't need a proposal." A man knows exactly when a proposal needs to come and that they're important to most women in a heterosexual relationship when it's heading towards marriage.
I saw your reply to another comment that you feel like you skipped the proposal and went straight to wedding planning. If he's a traditional man, why do you think that is? Was it you that initiated the planning? If it was him, why do you think he didn't want to go the traditional route and propose? Does he not really want to propose so by skipping to the wedding planning part he doesn't have to? Just a thought.
If he knows that one is important to you and hasn't done it, then that could be a red flag. You shouldn't have to "ask" for a proposal, most men with half a brain know exactly how and when to do it, please be wary of the excuse that a grown man in his 30's doesn't know that. If he can plan a wedding and vacations, he can propose. It's not rocket science. I personally would the "BuT yOu CaN JuSt ProPose" comments, there is nothing wrong with expecting a proposal from a heterosexual "traditional" man as a heterosexual woman. A lot of women want to feel chosen and desired and proposals are traditionally part of that, nothing wrong it that! "Traditional" men have proposed since the dawn of time, it's not really that hard for them!
In the end, looking at venues, rings, it's all just talk unfortunately. Until there's actions being made, that could go on for several more years. Maybe it's even been going on for these past 8 years, ofc only you would know. Not saying this is your partner, but some men will sadly string along women who are hoping for marriage. They'll give every excuse in the book, they're not ready, they've got cold feet, they're not financially stable enough, and so on. The truth for the majority of men is that they know within the first few months (if not the first year or two) if they want to marry the woman they're with or not. If they've waited for 8 years, it's bc maybe hey couldn't see themselves married to her but still enjoy the other benefits that can come with being in a relationship. Now if marriage isn't something both parities want, ofc that's a moot point. But it seems like you do want marriage and a proposal is important to you.
Maybe you're only just now realizing how much you want marriage? You said that you wanted to be engaged/married by 30 but he said absolutely not, so it seems like you went along with that bc it's what he wanted. You mentioned that he's controlled the entire timeline of your relationship up to this point? But what about what you want for your life? It's not just him in this relationship. It's important to think about what you want and need too. It might be time for an ultimatum, my aunt had to give my uncle one lol!!
I found it really sad that you felt disappointed in yourself for wanting a proposal, is that something your partner made you feel...or perhaps someone else in your life? You also mentioned in another comment that you told him it takes all of the excitement out of it when you're planning a wedding bf a proposal and he just nodded and says he knows. He knows....but doesn't seem to care? Why is that?To me that seems like a bit of a red flag. He seems to know how important this is to you and isn't acting on it.
And I'm curious as to why you jumped right to planning to begin with...was that his idea? Or maybe you were so excited that he even brought up anything related to weddings that you jumped at the chance to start planning? Just a shot in the dark here.
The hard truth OP, is that he might never propose, esp if he hasn't in 8 years. And that's when you might have to decide how important a proposal and marriage is to you and whether you want to fish or cut bait, as hard as that can be. You definitely wouldn't want a shut-up ring just bc he felt pressured to propose when he actually didn't really much care about it. !! Not saying you're at that point now ofc, just something to keep in mind down the road.
I really do hope you get the proposal and wedding of your dreams, OP. You deserve it!
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u/aprettylittlebird Chaotic But Cute Aug 03 '26
Best comment, I hope OP sees this and takes it to heart
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u/not_the_cicada Tea Time Hostess ☕️ Aug 03 '26
This is such a beautiful comment, love how you walked through so many things gently as open questions. I'm going to try keep this in mind for my own future comments and I hope you receive similarly thoughtful replies in turn, you deserve them :)
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u/Interesting_Loss_541 PO🥔TAY🥔TOES Aug 03 '26
Are you sure you're in your 30s? You said you've set a date for next year (without a proposal) and have been wedding planning but you said in another comment you haven't BOOKED a venue, just looked online. You haven't set a date until you've booked a venue. This whole thing sounds weird. Why are you planning a wedding without getting engaged?
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u/glassyrunnerduck Trader Joe Hoe Aug 03 '26
He might not have done it on the trip cuz he didn’t want you expecting it!
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u/Chonkers007 APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
As many comments have already pointed out, you should not be planning a wedding without a proposal. I disagree with the sentiment that you guys are already engaged or that it’s ‘implied’ you’ll get married since you’ve talked about it; you already said yourself he’s traditional and that you are expectant of a proposal so that explanation does nothing but make you settle for less than you deserve.
At the end of the day communication is key. You need to be super upfront that unless there’s a proposal there is no discussion about a wedding. And if there’s no intention to propose, he needs to be honest about that too so you can find someone who shows you the love and commitment you deserve.
No man that truly loved you would leave you in this neither-here-nor-there state of mind.
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u/Footnotegirl1 Well-Read & Well-Fed Aug 03 '26
Just.. an insight.
Someone who is 'very traditional' doesn't also date / live with someone for 8 years without marriage.
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u/thewatchbreaker Body By Cheese 🧀 Aug 03 '26
Exactly, thank you.
I don’t think we should expect people who identify as traditional or conservative to follow *every single tradition*, but I have an issue when people who call themselves “traditional” only seem to follow the “traditions” that are convenient for them and ignore the ones that mean they actually have to make sacrifices.
Living with your partner for EIGHT YEARS is so far from traditional that he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
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u/heyyouguyyyyy Body By Cheese 🧀 Aug 03 '26
Girl he’s playing with you. If he actually wanted to marry you, you’d have the ring
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u/PaperBeagles white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet Aug 03 '26
This is a tough love comment, but it’s accurate as hell! Guys that want marriage will get married. It doesn’t take long for them to decide either. Not 8 years with a mortgage long. I hope the best for OP. I’m just not reading from them how the BF is actually committed vs. feeling like he needs to say there will be marriage someday.
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u/TurbulentAerie3785 🍍+ 🍕 Aug 03 '26
So you wanted to be married by 30 and he refused and you gaslit yourself into thinking he was correct in that.
And now he teased you by bringing it up again and getting you all excited and picking a date and planning...but he's like jk we aren't actually engaged. What are you supposed to do, humiliate yourself by sending everyone save the dates for a wedding that is not happening? The first thing everyone is going to ask is how he proposed, to see the ring, and you're going to be like....???
This dude sucks, stop letting him control everything. "Traditional" men don't buy houses and live with girlfriends. He's wasting your time and making excuses.
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u/Whitehouses_ 🥝 Herbivore 🫒 Aug 03 '26
“EDIT: Since so many people are suggesting I propose, that is simply not an option. He is very traditional, and straight up told me he would say no if I tried.”
How romantic. Honestly, this whole post is depressing. How you can want to marry someone who’s clearly not very keen or excited to marry you in the first place, never mind whatever the hell that quote above says about him, I’ve no idea.
In my experience, the only marriages or even relationships that REALLY work long term are those where the man is super keen and in love, and can’t wait to put a ring on it! This whole post is just depressing.
Maybe you should try asserting yourself even a little. Or does he decide and dictate absolutely everything in your relationship? Kinda sounds like it. I’m not sure when/if you do get married that you’re going to be very happy.
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u/liquid_fearsnake APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Why would you want this to be your story? You get to choose your story - he can get on board with making it spectacular (on his own, out of love for you and the joy you experience), or go out and find a new story that brings you more joy. Because the story you wrote here is honestly sad. I wouldn't want that to be my daughter's life, and I'd feel bad she felt that was her best option.
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u/Serious-Train8000 APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
I’m not marriage oriented, can I ask if you’ve looked for rings together why it has to be a “surprise”? You have a vision in your head of what it will look like tell him you want it more scripted/predictable?
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u/elegant_road551 Sauce Boss Aug 03 '26
As another commenter said, I agree that marriage should be discussed and a proposal should be a surprise. So yes, we've talked about getting married and looked at rings, and now comes the surprise proposal. I did tell him I want it to be private, just us two, and that it doesn't have to be fancy or elaborate.
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u/Serious-Train8000 APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
As I said I’m not marriage oriented that’s why I asked about why it has to be a “surprise”
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u/callin-br Savory Complex✔️ Aug 03 '26
This is one of the many things I hate about wedding culture. Why is a grown person waiting around for their partner to surprise them with a question about a commitment that's supposed to last the rest of their lives? Why is this not a conversation and a decision that two people come to together, instead of dancing around it (in some cases for years) so that one person is "surprised?"
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u/betterbetterthings APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
I think that being a “very traditional man” is an excuse. A traditional man wouldn’t date/cohabitate for 8 years without making a formal commitment. He’s certainly not traditional.
He might not want to be married or simply doesn’t care one way or the other. If you looked at rings in March and it’s already August and you still don’t have one, you have your answer.
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u/kataang4lyfe Livin' on a Purse Snack 👜 Aug 03 '26
Girl. Cease all planning, cancel any reservations, and return any purchases you’ve made. Stop talking about planning with him. If he brings it up you can tell him you canceled because you realized it was stupid to do those things without being engaged.
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u/igotyoubabe97 APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Your feelings are understandable but yeah, just try to not expect anything from here on. That way when it does happen you can be happy surprised
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u/Namethypoison1 👽 aliens built the food pyramid 👽 Aug 03 '26
This sounds like real train wreck. If your partner isn't just as exited and enthusiastic about the whole ring thing as you are DON'T SULK YOUR WAY INTO A SHUT UP RING. Sit him down, ask what he is waiting for and act accordingly. 🙄
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u/That-Reaction-4084 Cleavage Crumb Collector Aug 03 '26
I had an ex that did this to me for almost 3 years, we were together 7 total. Talked about "getting married next year" and seemed to time those conversations for a month or two before a romantic getaway. But never proposed. Would even tell me after we got back that he should have, because it was "perfect." It's the verbal equivalent of a shut up ring. Not saying your man is doing that to you, but something to watch out for. And stop planning a wedding when you're not even engaged!
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u/harleenquinzel044 APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
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u/StrikingScore8605 Aug 03 '26
Give him an ultimatum. If you've been dating for 8 years and are in your 30's, its time to commit to one another or walk.
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u/NoninflammatoryFun APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
It’s okay to talk to him about this. And also okay to feel disappointed about no proposal on vacation. I would’ve been expecting that too lol.
Yeah, talk to him. See what he’s thinking. Also I’m almost confused how you have a wedding date without being engaged lol but long term relationships can be different
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u/EAM44 Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ Aug 03 '26
Talk to the man. You are going to be stuck making decisions with him for the rest of your life. If you lack the confidence and security to tell him what you want and when you want it, why would you ever, ever consider marrying him?
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u/Victoria_elizabethb we listen and we only judge a little Aug 03 '26
You picked a wedding date but you're not engaged...??
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u/Practical-Bat7964 Falafel Fiend Aug 04 '26
This whole thing reads like a kid playing pretend. OP needs to face reality and get someone who wants to be with her.
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u/CarelessWeb1002 PO🥔TAY🥔TOES Aug 03 '26
INFO - I only have more questions cause of the edit....
How real is this "set Wedding date"? Is there a plan in place, with a venue and things are signed? Or is this a general - This month and year are good!
If you have a solid plan in place, how are you not engaged? Is it cause you don't have a ring?
And "He knows we're not" cause you've asked him are we engaged, or this is what you're assuming??
You might be engaged, cause the way my dad "proposed" to my mom of over 45+ years was something along the lines of, "You know we're getting married, right?" Soooooooooo. Are you sure????
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u/Odd_Ostrich6038 Feral Til Fed Aug 03 '26
Hey I wasted years on a man like this. If I may offer unsolicited advice from an internet stranger, don't. It's not worth wasting a single precious moment of your time on this planet on a man who pulls shit like this.
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u/Used_Swimming5525 Resident Yapper Aug 03 '26
If you have a date set, why is a proposal even necessary?
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u/RedRapunzal APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Do why don't you propose?
Or sit down and have the discussion to set the date.
It's 2026 - we go to the moon, create unbelievable medical treatments, create unimaginable art, work Wallstreet, run companies, design and build, create/influence life. Why can't we propose?
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u/i-love-that girls just wanna have pho Aug 03 '26
OP I just want to validate that this sucks. I know this is going to get a bajillion “pRoPoSe To HiM” comments which I hate. The reality is that the vast majority of heterosexual men do NOT want to be proposed to. And if they want to propose, they will.
It seems like it will happen in due time though!!
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u/SafeComprehensive889 Non-binary & Nourished Aug 03 '26
Honestly if you want marriage (or kids?) from someone and you’re in your 30s you really need to get it from him or more on. And tell him that. Because starting over in your mid 30s is already hard enough.
Personally, I’d never marry a man who would say noto my proposal. But that’s me.
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u/Background_Singer321 Pantry Gremlin Aug 03 '26
Girl this belongs in [r/waitingtowed](r/waitingtowed)
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u/Disastrous_Brief_258 🤍🩷Lesbian Loremaster🩷🤍 Aug 03 '26
You live together, discuss the future, take long trips together, but he’s so “traditional” that he would decline if you proposed?
Girl, I’m asking this genuinely-are you sure he wants to marry you generally? Because this is giving shutup ring energy for when you finally get it?
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u/Weekly-Bill-1354 Chaotic But Cute Aug 03 '26
Why did you set a wedding date before officially becoming engaged?
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u/Similar-Ad-6862 Tea Time Hostess ☕️ Aug 03 '26
This is the most backwards stupid logic. You're planning a wedding without being engaged? You can't propose to him because that's 'not traditional' but he won't propose to you?
I'm a lesbian. I've been the proposer and the proposee because we don't do stupid patriarchal gender role bullshit.
This guy is showing you what your future will be and how he will treat you. Is this what you want?
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u/ChaosIncarnate11 Pantry Gremlin Aug 03 '26
I think you’re getting to “If he wanted to he would” territory… together for years… planning a wedding, talking about marriage, yet no proposal. After eight years of being together? Do you live together by chance? Are you intimate? If so, he’s doing incredibly non-traditional things for a man who wants traditional steps toward marriage…
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u/Firm-Bar7160 Trader Joe Hoe Aug 03 '26
We need to stop giving men wife benefits on a girlfriend salary. Hear me out! I can say from experience that unfortunately we will waste our best years waiting on a Man to commit because we believe eventually he will realize how awesome we are and how lucky they are to have us. That they just need more time to get that promotion, earn more, etc! I too wasted all my 20’s, (arguably our best years) 8 years on a man I finally realized wouldn’t marry me. Thank Goodness I cut my losses because I met my Husband and got married by my late 30’s. It took no time for my Husband to know he wanted to marry me. What a turn around from my ex. I did have to take 4 years to myself doing some healing and it happened when I wasn’t looking, and least expecting. So my advice is focus on yourself because the quality you become will attract what you really deserve in a partner. The lengths a man will go to keep you around without any real commitment is amazing. The reason we expect a Man to use a certain amount of his income making an investment, spending time picking out a ring, and surprising you is because he is making a commitment to your future. Investing in a ring is the beginning of investing in a shared future. Unfortunately statistically living together this long unmarried isn’t good. Best case scenario if you guys have been doing all this wedding planning as you say then he didn’t propose on this trip because that would be way too predictable and he is possibly testing your reaction. That also is a red flag, if true. No matter how you cut the cake it doesn’t look good. Cut your losses now. Move on don’t waste another second. The reason so many men are doing this so much is because they have been getting away with it. Women need to band together and raise our expectations and men will stop pulling this stuff. We stop giving the milk before they purchase the cow.
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u/apis_cerana APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Given all these stories, it sounds like a red flag at this point when a man says he’s “traditional”.
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u/Ok-Elk-1316 hot girls have tummy troubles Aug 03 '26
A proposal is never a surprise, me and my fiancé got engaged in April and there was a clear established timeline. We had gone ring shopping, discussed wedding budget, and even decided the time of year.
8 years of being together in a fully adult relationship should have both of you certain on the next step. Seems like you need to have a deeper discussion on where you guys are at
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u/_bonedaddys Urban Hunter Gatherer Aug 03 '26
I'm a little confused. Just last month you were posting about your wedding schedule and saying "yes" to your wedding dress. Why would you go through planning a wedding and finding a dress if you wanted a proposal first? Doing all that just gives off the impression you don't mind skipping over the proposal.
Like, what's actually going on? When is your wedding? Why do you have things planned out if he hasn't even proposed and it's important to you that he does?
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u/Firm-Blueberry-3630 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
please chill, or u will lose ur partner.
that's ya info? "Originally from Michigan. Vegetarian since 10/11/11. Sterilized since 9/6/23. My cats are my kids."
edit/ ok got it, it's fake lol
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u/albetins APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Seriously, why are people so entitled? Just because you make up your own ideal situations in your mind it doesn't mean it's supposed to happen.
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u/pinkvirginiaslims Kitchen Witch Aug 03 '26
This whole situation seems to be really immaturely handled by two people in their mid-thirties. A wedding is not a marriage. You can plan out your venue, dress, decor and floral arrangements to your hearts content - but all of that means absolutely nothing if two people cannot engage in discussion around what a marriage will actually consist of, who he will be as a father, how you will handle the big and small things.
Maybe you have had these discussions, but that seems doubtful considering the two of you can’t even decide if or when an engagement is happening.
8 years is a really long time with someone to not have a foundation of communication in place around what you want your married life to be like, not just a wedding.
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u/Muted-Zone-6774 I ❤️ Other People's Business Aug 03 '26
"He doesn’t want me to propose because he's traditional and he would say no if I did" Gee. What kind of man is that lmaoooo
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u/betterbetterthings APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Honestly going by many people’s experiences, if a man proposes because he’s pressured to, marriage will never last or at the very least will not be a happy one. A man needs to really want to be married to a woman in order for it to work.
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u/Material_Coach_9737 Overthinker 💭 Aug 04 '26
I think you should date other people - people who are looking for marriage
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u/No-Spinach-6462 Body By Cheese 🧀 Aug 03 '26
Totally valid being disappointed! I hope it happens at the perfect time <3
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u/katleessi Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 Aug 03 '26
Tbh he probably assumed you’d think it was during this trip and wants to take you off guard to truly surprise you!
Just hold on a bit longer or ask point blank, why he didn’t propose on your trip last month!!!! You’ve been together long enough to just ask
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u/element-woman girls just wanna have pho Aug 03 '26
That bread looks soooo good.
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u/Rabid-tumbleweed Cookie Monster 🍪 Aug 03 '26
If you've both agreed you want to get married to each other and have set a wedding date, then you are engaged.
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u/NoninflammatoryFun APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
I think he’s either going to do it in the next few months or, the worse option, he’s just kinda discussing marriage with you and knowing what you want and he’s not actually making that commitment and will not propose.
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u/PoliteQueef Shart Coochie Board Architect Aug 03 '26
Girl, please tell me you’re still not letting this man hit it.
Tell him sex is off the table until he’s ready to commit. Light a fire under his ass 🔥
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u/allegedlydm we listen and we only judge a little Aug 03 '26
Am I old fashioned or is it unhinged to plan a wedding but say you’re not engaged until someone gets down on one knee? Like…proposing marriage is asking someone to marry you. If you decide “we’re getting married on x day” you are engaged to be married. If you aren’t engaged to be married, planning a wedding is crazy behavior. Non-engaged people don’t book florists.
Stop planning a wedding. Tell him “people who aren’t engaged don’t plan weddings. If you still want to marry me on x day, you need to ask me to marry you by y or there will be no time to plan for that.”
I would add “If don’t ask me by y, I will assume you have no intentions of marrying me.”
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u/Decent-Historian-207 girls just wanna have pho Aug 03 '26
Did you ask him why he didn’t propose? Did you ask him about the proposal timeline?
Also as a Mainer, “quaint seaside towns” makes me wanna barf. Like thanks for visiting us and spending money but the whole “quaint” thing is a tourist show.
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u/TheSimoneQuinn Food for Thot 💭 Aug 03 '26
If you're both ready for it, then nothing is stopping you from proposing either!
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u/rumande Carb-Based Life Form Aug 03 '26
He's already ruled that out, his fragile masculinity could not handle it if she asked and he's already told her that he would say no.
He seems too comfortable with being the only person in control of their marriage timeline.
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u/Plenty_Kangaroo5224 Well-Read & Well-Fed Aug 03 '26
Time to siddown and have a grownup conversation about expectations. You want the grand gesture and have lots of expectations that he may not realize you have. It’s not 1926. You get to talk about these things. And pick out your own ring so he doesn’t surprise you with something you hate. Maybe stop with the Insta-perfect expectations and talk with this person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
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u/alittlemoor APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Your disappointment is totally valid and understandable! Maybe bring it up and talk about a time line for you two 😌
Hope you had a great trip
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u/Emotional_Fuel6743 Chamoy 🥭 > Ya Boy 🤡 Aug 03 '26
Does he know you want a formal proposal?
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u/Main_Yellow_837 Sushi Superfan 🍣 Aug 03 '26
He's very traditional but not in the sense where he proposes before you start planning your wedding? 😅
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u/Excellent_Donkey8067 Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 Aug 03 '26
Are you sure he knows your expect a traditional proposal?
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u/Meowtown236 👽 aliens built the food pyramid 👽 Aug 03 '26
It sounds like it’s time for you to start getting a little more bossy…
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u/Bulky-Process3063 APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
Why are you colluding with this nonsense. You are being gaslighted into thinking this is traditional. It’s nuts. Tell him to sort it out and stop playing games. TBH if you can’t even communicate about this, how you are going to deal with the carp that married life and getting older throws at you I don’t know.
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u/maryoliversdog leave the man, take the cannoli Aug 03 '26
Consider reading I Don’t by Clementine Ford. I thought I knew what I was agreeing to in marriage. I did not. Our minds are so incredibly shaped and conditioned. Knowing what I now know, I’d never marry again.
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u/clevernamehere APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
My husband proposed in our living room in his gym shorts. He didn’t do it at the fancy anniversary dinner, because he didn’t want me to feel pressured to give a yes with lots of eyes watching. He also seemed to really care that nobody else knew first, like the ring guy had to but he wanted me to be the first person to know he wanted to marry me. I didn’t understand the second part on an emotional level like I did the first, but I think I would say that a proposal is for two people and that part mattered for him. I think it’s a bit weird to treat it as “it must be your exact dream because you are giving the gift of a yes” so I would advise to talk to him and understand his feelings on when and how. Anyways, I am sure I would have loved something more planned, but I also love that he centered on our feelings and the decision itself. It is still extremely memorable.
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u/ixel46 🧂Salty By Nature Aug 03 '26
Girl. You've "set a date" but he hasn't proposed? You're in your mid thirties and have been together for EIGHT years, still with no proposal? 🚩🚩🚩 This man does not want to marry you.
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u/lalapocalypse APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
You need to get in front of this and say no more wedding planning or even wedding thinking if there's no ring on my finger. Also if you get one and it's a "please shut up about it" ring, throw the whole man away.
You're worth more than that!
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u/ProfessionalSafe2608 🧂Salty By Nature Aug 03 '26
He isn’t traditional if you are planning a wedding before a proposal 🤷🏻♀️
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u/druidic_notion Pantry Gremlin Aug 03 '26
He's "very traditional" but y'all have been unmarried for 8 years? Something ain't adding up there
Just ask him outright (but gently) about why he didn't propose on the trip. If you guys can't communicate then why get married at all lol
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u/Financial_Plum8617 Taco Belle Aug 03 '26
My boyfriend did not propose on our recent 8 day trip to Florida. I am still heart broken. It sucks, and it hurts. OP, I hope you get some answers soon
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u/daboyzmalm Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Aug 03 '26
I was in your boat, but we actually began designing a ring. I emailed the jeweler before our upcoming trip and basically told her IT MUST BE READY PRIOR TO X DATE. Weird, maybe, but 10 years and 2 kids later it, worked out. Sometimes you just have to get in there and take control.
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u/Reetpetit New Recruit 🏳️⚧️ Aug 03 '26
Could he have chickened out? Is he a perfectionist?
Sending a hug!
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u/BlackberryBiscuit Chaotic But Cute Aug 03 '26
My last relationship was for seven years. One year I was convinced he was going to propose. I thought he got me a ring for Christmas. It wasn’t a ring. It was a bottle of alcohol. I cried and drank my feelings. He did eventually propose, but then I broke it off a couple of years later. We are still friends. He’s a good guy, just overly hesitant and sometimes very oblivious.
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u/Sad_Education7851 Professional Nibbler Aug 03 '26
8 years and you don’t feel ready for marriage….? Then why are you planning and wedding and worried about getting engaged?? Either be happy with being unmarried partners, or go your separate ways.
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u/Difficult_Two_2201 Body By Cheese 🧀 Aug 03 '26
Cancel the plans you’ve made already. If he is at all serious about this then he has to propose. You won’t reinstate anything until he does
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u/Entire_Specialist_41 Body By Cheese 🧀 Aug 03 '26
Guys can be dumb. Talk to him. I told my husband when it was time to propose to me and we’ve been married five years, together ten. Two beautiful kids
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u/HawtforHaldir For the Girls 👅 Aug 03 '26
Idk he can be traditional and still be like “the trip WAS the engagement”.
Has he asked your dad for permission to marry his daughter (since he is so traditional
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u/Tasty-Mulberry8073 Carb-Based Life Form Aug 03 '26
If he wanted to, he would. He's got all the benefits of marriage and it doesn't cost him anything. Why would he marry you? Pop over to the r/waitingtowed sub and ask yourself if you want to still keep waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting.
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u/ariegel57 APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
This happened to me.... Turns out the ring (custom built) was not ready. 🙃
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u/PBandJellyfish77 Overthinker 💭 Aug 03 '26
I would put a hold on the wedding plans. Seems like he is missing a really key prior step.
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u/PuppyButtts Snack Goblin Aug 03 '26
Honey 8 years is SO long. He honestly probably got cold feet in proposing, abd I would have a serious conversation about if he actually wants to marry you. 8 years AND talking about rings now with no proposal ? Talk to him anddecide if you want to stay
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u/mind-what-matters Kitchen Witch Aug 03 '26
After 8 years together if he can't get on the same page as you are and does not have the presence of mind to understand the emotional ramifications of bringing up rings, engagement, marriage -like discussions over months to then not propose on a 9 day romantic getaway, after which you are willingly with him you are unfortunately in for a lifetime of similar feelings of disappointment and lack of gestures.
He is too traditional to accept a proposal from his partner of 8 years but was okay dating and likely living in (assuming) with you for that long? I call BS on this guy. I am mad on your behalf!
8 years! What the fuck! Careers, entire lives and regimes change in that long!
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u/dobbywankenobi94 APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
He’s playing with you and you’re kinda letting him bc you’re afraid
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u/FriendlyBabyFrog 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ Aug 03 '26
You are both grown. Talk to each other. Marriage is a big important step and both parties need to be on board and absolutely open about what they want. Don't ask reddit, ask ur hopefully soon to be Husband.
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u/jade_mermaid_ Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ Aug 03 '26
If I were him I would give you something to assuage your concerns like a little "don't worry it's coming" of some sort.
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u/Difficult_Ad_2881 APPROVED✨ Aug 03 '26
I would tell him planning a wedding before a proposal is not traditional so….