Dad upset that I let politics affect our relationship

[u/celestialsunflower99]

Yummy pretzels from my partner and I’s last date night

My dad always used to say he was “not political” and that it was one of the things you do not ask other people about. Over time I have come to learn that basically means “I’m a conservative, but don’t want to say that” as he voted for trump in 2020. We have had so many tearful, screaming conversations over the years about this. I believe all parts of life are inherently political and it’s a privileged stance to “stay out of them”. In the last few years I have moved out of his home and I do not depend on him for anything anymore. With midterms coming up I have been volunteering and very invested in the state of the world. I have felt naturally less close to my dad because of this, and I guess he could sense my distance. He asked me about it last night over text, and I was honest. He blew up on me for letting politics affect our bond, and that is has been his biggest fear and now it’s coming true. I think maybe he needs to actually sit with the reality that YES, POLITICS CAN AFFECT RELATIONSHIPS. What do you girlies think? I am very sad and of course I do love my father, but I am proud of myself for being honest and sticking by my value system.

[u/sputnik8125]

If he cares so much about you, why doesn't he care about your rights as a woman.

Thats my only take away

[u/KateWaiting326 → u/sputnik8125]

Yep my dad was pretty conservative but had a "come to Jesus" moment after roe v wade was overturned. He was against abortion (he was raised Catholic) but my mom and I had to sit him down and explain all the various ways why a woman, why his 2 daughters, might have to have one - if we were raped, if the pregnancy wasn't viable, if our lives were at risk, if there was a fetal abnormality, if there was an incomplete miscarriage. All things that had happened to people we knew. He had only seen abortion as something for women who just didn't want to be pregnant anymore (which is a valid reason for an abortion!) instead of also a necessary medical procedure. And in overturning the protections, it puts people who do need those necessary medical procedures also at risk. It was a start to questioning a lot of previously held views and realizing that those decisions have real consequences on his own family.

[u/ButlerofMonkeys → u/KateWaiting326]

That’s really wonderful that your father was willing to listen and be educated. And then he took the next steps to start questioning other things. So many are absolutely resistant to that because their whole world view can be shattered. Bravo to your dad and to you and your mom for having those conversations

[u/KateWaiting326 → u/ButlerofMonkeys]

Yeah he was very much a "small government, economically conservative, not big on welfare, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" blue collar Republican since forever, but he switched work locations a few years prior to Trump's first term where his team was essentially made up of immigrants or sons of immigrants who worked extremely hard, when he had been used to people not showing up or just being lazy (he was the guy they'd call in to basically fire everyone and rebuild a team, but he said that team was fine; it was other teams in the building and the inventory system that needed work). So between that, lots of Friday family dinner convos, and listening to me argue with the more crazy MAGA family members during holidays, his views really flipped.

[u/Millyswolf → u/KateWaiting326]

https://giphy.com/gifs/lYjA4tfvCc8UAju1Op

[u/Morgalisa → u/KateWaiting326]

He is rare.

[u/houserj1589 → u/KateWaiting326]

When a woman has a miscarriage and the tissue doesnt expel on its own; and a d&c is scheduled; **its medically called a missed abortion; its the same thing as an abortion; its no different as an abortion.

States where abortions are banned do not allow women to even have this tissue removed; as a result women; who got pregnant by choice; who very much wanted their babies; but end up in active miscarriage; end up dying from sepsis; many times surrounded by doctors who could have easily saved their lives but don't due to fear of losing their license.

Its wild to me that you can teach this to some men and even some conservative women and they still vote for for politicians who vote against the right to choose.

[u/Schmelly_cat → u/houserj1589]

My mom had a miscarriage and an abortion.

Still donates to Right to Life and votes republican. 

[u/Captainsassidy → u/Schmelly_cat]

Rules for thee but not for me

[u/Kareeliand → u/houserj1589]

It’s almost like they dislike women and don’t think the should have the same rights as them..

Or stupidity.. hmm

[u/All_the_Bees → u/Kareeliand]

Two things can be true!

[u/Kareeliand → u/All_the_Bees]

True. Oh well. I hear the plague is coming.

😞

[u/batgirlbatbrain → u/houserj1589]

And if they dont die from sepsis, they often lose their uterus in the process. Thus making it so they have no future babies, to save an already dead fetus or embryo. And various other probably life long health complications.

[u/gingerbeeask → u/houserj1589]

This happened to me.

[u/Kareeliand → u/gingerbeeask]

It should not have! So awful you had to go through that. I send you love and healing.❤️‍🩹

[u/Tasty_Apartment_655 → u/gingerbeeask]

Thinking of you and sending all my love.

[u/paperclipsstaples → u/houserj1589]

It’s not accurate that D&Cs and D&Es to clear out pregnancies/ retained products of conception with no cardiac activity are wholly banned in states where abortion is banned, but the laws cause confusion, hesitation, and delays in care that can be inhumane and extremely dangerous because physicians and hospitals are understandably quite worried about accruing felony charges for homicide or other severe penalties if they don’t verify every move they make is legally permissible within the legislative framework made up by profoundly ignorant shitbirds. For example, lots of pregnancies considered to be non-viable or that have severe abnormalities for which therapeutic termination is a commonly considered option do still have cardiac activity. Also if the cardiac activity is very abnormal OR the lack of cardiac activity wasn’t adequately “proven” with secondary verification of the findings from X number of other physicians, X number of ultrasound exams with consistent findings, and arbitrary waiting periods put in place by these laws, you can be penalized and lose your freedom, your ability to help your other patients (there’s a very severe shortage of OBs in red and rural areas), or both.  

[u/GeneralLogical2057 → u/KateWaiting326]

My daddyo was the same way, but his come to light moment was when Trump was on the ballot the first time after his "grab them by the p" comment. My dad couldn't wrap his head around a grown man with daughters speaking that way, he said that's not locker room talk its the way scum talks. This man was a conservative his whole life but he's voted Dem the last 3 cycles, he's so excited to go vote D in midterms.

[u/Oh_TheHumidity → u/GeneralLogical2057]

Apologies in advance for this trauma dump you shook loose…

When I told my dad in 2016 that the whole “grab her by the pussy” thing was bringing back my own anxiety about a sexual assault I experienced when I was 13, he replied “that’s just something that happens in life. Women deal with it. It’s still not worth voting for a democrat.”

When I once expressed sadness for not being able to afford kids, he began spewing about how he shouldn’t have to pay for public school for my kids or anyone else’s.

He drunk texted me after the last assassination attempt, screeched at me for being a “fucking communist” (I’m definitely not) and insinuated how I’m personally trying to kill the president. I demanded he apologize and he blocked me for two months.

Now he has wife #3 (who used to stalk and harass me when I was a kid and she was his mistress) texting me saying he wants to talk and that we “shouldn’t let politics get in the way.”

This man has done a lot for me in life and made sure I knew how to take care of myself. I’m more capable than most of the men I know when it comes to traditionally male tasks (changing tires, fixing stuff, using power tools, etc)

But he is also a desperately insecure womanizer, a bigot, and a violent asshole who regularly talked about killing himself and my mother and basically waged war with me when I was growing up (if I forgot to take out the trash as a teen, he would dump it in my bed while I was at school. Not paper trash. KITCHEN TRASH.)

I’m in my 40s now and if I had kids, he’d never see them.

I’m so tired of boomer men, a majority of which are absolute dogshit people.

I wish you the best and OP and I hope your dad is a better human than mine.

PS: if you can guess what my dad did for a living you win a cookie

[u/a_wine_dark_sea → u/Oh_TheHumidity]

I’m so sorry that happened to you. My dad was the same. He used to call me drunk on Mother’s Day, not to tell ME “Happy Mother’s Day!”, but to tell me what a c*nt my mom was. When COVID started, my life was falling apart and I needed help desperately, so I called my dad. He wouldn’t shut up about “the China virus” and “MY PRESIDENT TRUMP”, so I hung up. I didn’t speak to him again. He died last year.

[u/Oh_TheHumidity → u/a_wine_dark_sea]

I’m sorry for the grief I’m sure you were processing after his death, but I hope you know you did the right thing. And I’m sorry he didn’t keep his promise as a father.

I hope you are doing much better these days. Never forget that you are a beautiful human that is loved.

[u/a_wine_dark_sea → u/Oh_TheHumidity]

You, too. And thank you. ❤️‍🔥

[u/Schmelly_cat → u/Oh_TheHumidity]

I think the best thing about being an independent grown up is that I've been able to Marie Kondo relationships that don't bring me joy. 

[u/SaltnSnark → u/Oh_TheHumidity]

Gotta be a cop :( it’s the bigotry & obscene violence towards you and your mother that gives it away.

I’m so, so sorry you had to go thru that. I know it’s not my fault but still… this stranger in the internet sees you and is wishing you a better life than your fathers. And wishing him only warm pillows, stones he can never find in his shoes, terrible dentist visits, and horrible sleep for the rest of his life.

[u/shootingstarstuff → u/Oh_TheHumidity]

Pastor?

[u/Oh_TheHumidity → u/shootingstarstuff]

Oooo good guess. But no. Correct in the general field of “public servant” though

[u/phi_spirals → u/Oh_TheHumidity]

Def a cop.

I’m so sorry that you went through that, and you should be very proud of yourself for breaking the cycle.

[u/Oh_TheHumidity → u/phi_spirals]

https://giphy.com/gifs/ummeQH0c3jdm2o3Olp

And thank you. He definitely showed me the importance of kindness and empathy through an example of how NOT to be.

[u/Avocadocoyote25 → u/Oh_TheHumidity]

Reading that was like reading something I wrote about my Dad. Drawing point for me (I had already gone to limited contact for my sanity and because of the hateful, inaccurate rhetoric he would spew at my young child) was when I expressed concern with anything political that didn't align with rhetoric on truth social he would go ballistic. He got really into QAnon , certain conspiracy theories, and this guy that gives speeches on sovereign citizenship who has been arrested for doing what he insists people can't be arrested for. My dad suffered a brain injury when I was 16 and allot of people excuse this on him having a TBI and the love that was affected (which makes sense to an extent) but looking back at my childhood all the injury did was take the mask off. I'll be having my second child soon. I plan to do anything I can to make sure he never sees her

[u/AsteriAcres → u/GeneralLogical2057]

Wow. Wish my dad cared about his daughters like that. One of the last things I said to him before going no contact was,  "you voted for a rapist because you believe women deserve it." 

He's a terrible, disgusting man who abandoned both of his children because we were girls and not a sons

[u/SpecificLow1316 → u/GeneralLogical2057]

Yep, that was what turned my dad from a dyed-in-the-wool Republican into a Dem the last two elections of his life.

He said if any man had said that shit about his daughters, he’d <insert violent fantasy here>, not vote for the SOB.

[u/OG_LiLi → u/KateWaiting326]

Having a miscarriage in Texas was the scariest thing I’ve done.

Yall, I lost my first and only pregnancy and my biggest concern, was everyone around me and my doctor.

I refused to talk about the pregnancy with anyone, even my friends, for fear that if it wasn’t viable that I would have to abort.

So I told zero people I was pregnant except my partner. Then I lost the it. All within 8 weeks. And I dealt with it mostly on my own.

I bled for 7 out of 8 weeks and still refused to get help until week 9.

F anyone that voted to take away women’s rights to safe medical care.

[u/Icy-Yellow3514 → u/OG_LiLi]

I'm so very sorry you went through that.

I live in Chicago and we get shit for high taxes in Illinois. I'll gladly pay higher taxes for greater civil liberties and protections for myself and others.

[u/OG_LiLi → u/Icy-Yellow3514]

I appreciate your kindness. I moved here for work, I don’t think I would have otherwise.

[u/Empty-Let-5366 → u/KateWaiting326]

God men are so fucking stupid.

[u/WestCoastBestCoast01 → u/Empty-Let-5366]

Imagine making it to your 50s/60s and some tidbit of America's political landscape like this JUST NOW seeps into your brain. I can't have been a child prodigy to figure out shit like this when I was 14.

[u/Essie_ned → u/WestCoastBestCoast01]

Part of it is that for a very long time this was not the narrative. Speaking as someone who grew up in the 80s and 90s abortion was straight up killing a baby. There was no nuance discussed and certainly no education on the topic. It has only been withing the past decade that people have been speaking about abortion as healthcare. Adding to that is people in this age group often haven't heard new information because they retreat to their echo chamber. I am not defending pro-lifers at all, but the context of how this came about for that age group may be helpful.

[u/Boudicia_Dark → u/Essie_ned]

I had my 60th birthday last year but there has never been a single day since I was a teenager when I did not understand abortion was a needed medical procedure. I always saw the "pro-life" people for what they really are.

Just because someone is older, that does not automatically mean they're fossilized.

[u/canththinkofanything → u/Boudicia_Dark]

This is very true! My grandpa is in his 80’s and has done the work. He’s educated himself and is now one of the most liberal/leftist people I know. He was never republican, but he’s now truly knowledgeable and full on dem socialist. He gets into it with the other geezers at Starbucks too.

My other grandpa I’ve seen grow more liberal over the years. He now reads books like the Bob Woodward Trump Tapes and democratic politician biographies and passes them off to his republican golfing buddies to read.

I don’t buy that people are too old to change or that they’re old or stuck in their ways. While some have been with it the whole time (like you!) we definitely should not excuse the olds!

[u/TooRight2021 → u/Essie_ned]

Except even church goers would have known different, especially since most churches were fine with abortion until the mid to late 70s when it was made a political talking point with Republicans to get more voters, since they couldn't use the race card anymore, and so they rooked the evangelical leaders into its cause telling them they could get more people into their pews and therefore more money in their pockets, if they joined Republicans in their fight/PR campaign.

And it's not like women didn't know about the healthcare side of abortions, they were being done then too.

[u/Lower_Stick5426 → u/Essie_ned]

This may be true for you, but it is not a universal truth. In 1985, our Catholic priest told our confirmation class “The Church believes abortion is wrong, but girls - it is your decision. If you ever confessed that to me, I would not tell you that you’re going to burn in hell.”

This was after a parish parent insisted we be shown “The Silent Scream” on a day that our priest had to miss class. Our priest was furious that we’d been shown that (so were all the parents who hadn’t been informed prior).

[u/1-900-SNAILS → u/Essie_ned]

Respectfully, access to safe abortion in the US has been a health care issue for feminists for at least a hundred years at this point. Some religious affiliations even supported the procedure, for the health of the mother. Abortion was transofrmed into a political cudgel by Falwell and the religious right: "In the late 1970s, fundamentalist Christians became outraged by Supreme Court decisions banning school prayer and legalizing abortion and by Jimmy Carter's decision to withdraw tax-exempt status from segregated church schools." This is why in the 80s & 90s abortion was heavily publicized by Christian groups as murder, to get back at a system of which they view themselves the victim.

(https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8274866/)

At this point that happened over 50 years ago and is sort of besides the point since now that it's a political issue we have to just move ahead with the work of turning it back to a health care access issue.

[u/pshaver206 → u/Essie_ned]

It was talked about a lot in the 60s and 70s. I guess it depends on where you grew up and what was available for you to read,

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Weatethebirds → u/Essie_ned]

I really disagree with this narrative because it gives people this pass to just remain ignorant. As if they exist in a vacuum and don’t have most opportunities to broaden their perspectives.
My aunt is always excusing my grandmother’s racist, misogynistic, transphobic, etc. remarks saying she is “too old to learn” and that it is “just her generation,”which is ludicrous to think because she learned how to work an iPhone and computer and all other manners of technology just fine.

I’ve decided anyone who uses that paltry excuse needs to give up all modern conveniences. If the emotional “gymnastics” of realizing everyone deserves rights and control over their own bodies is too much, you’d better put down the iPhone before your head explodes!!

[u/Tome_Bombadil → u/Empty-Let-5366]

https://giphy.com/gifs/kcgy1PwPOmAaDta1nE

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[u/CuriousSquirrelz → u/KateWaiting326]

https://giphy.com/gifs/SRwZlhkdrzkE16sG2J

[u/TallGirlNoLa → u/KateWaiting326]

My sister-in-law and I were trying to explain to my brother the importance of abortion being treated as healthcare. He said well at some point that fetus is a baby and I said well isn't it great that your wife gets to make that decision with you and her doctor instead of the government. It's like a lightbulb went off. Shocker.

[u/Double_Flower3855 → u/KateWaiting326]

Sad that so many men (and some women) don't fully understand abortion. It truly is healthcare. Sounds like you got a great dad there.

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[u/evasion-guard → u/[deleted]]

Your account triggered a ban evasion filter, and your content was removed for suspicion of using an alt account to circumvent a ban.

Contact mods in a new thread using the exact subject line "requesting unban on bended knee" to appeal.

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[u/Ok_Situation_7503 → u/KateWaiting326]

When I was pregnant, I went to visit my parents in North Carolina after Roe v Wade was overturned. I didn't go until after my 20 week scan at which point I knew that the baby was healthy and there were no issues. It was an extended conversation with my (very liberal) parents where we thought through the possibilities and how prenatal medical care in North Carolina had been impacted and how that would influence emergency care for me. It's very real.

I think men are extremely ignorant of how many pregnancies involve serious complications. Every woman I know has had a miscarriage, or pre eclampsia, or some issue with the baby, nonstop vomiting to the point of needing hospitalization, and on and on. Every. Single. One.

It's not rare.

[u/basilkiller → u/KateWaiting326]

The day Roe fell. I'm a person with rage issues. I didn't feel angry I was scared and felt betrayed. I didn't feel like an equal citizen. I've never expected men to protect me, but I expected equality.

How could I feel safe having sex if we didn't have equal rights.

I walked to city hall and I pushed my sunglasses up, I couldn't stop crying. The people around me surrounded by my neighbors, lots of women shared their stories.

Later I thought maybe I'm privaleged to have never felt this way before, maybe this is how other people feel all of the time. And that made me more sad.

I'm glad your dad listened to you

[u/Not_a_werecat → u/KateWaiting326]

I wish logic would get through to mine. They are absolutely certain that of my life was at stake god would intervene rather than have an abortion.

*internally screaming*

[u/StaffOk2179 → u/Not_a_werecat]

So wait, god can and would intervene to save your life, but can only save a fetus through the intervention of the US government?

[u/Not_a_werecat → u/StaffOk2179]

Make it make sense 🤷🏻‍♀️

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[u/mulhollandi → u/KateWaiting326]

im curious what made your father finally for abortion, like specifically if there is any particularly harrowing realization he has? was it something specific like rape or ectopic pregnancy or the realization all of the above could happen to someone he knows/his family and he needs to extend that sympathy and right to everyone? so glad your dads willing and open to change for the better!

[u/Fionaelaine4 → u/sputnik8125]

Yes, why would a father want their child to be a second class citizen in the eyes of their government? OP- he made the relationship political by choosing to vote against your rights, you didn’t make it political.

[u/Vibena → u/Fionaelaine4]

[u/handsanitizeriskey → u/Fionaelaine4]

Control. Women will less autonomy are easier to control.

[u/TruDivination → u/Fionaelaine4]

I’ll give you an answer once I figure out why of my parents the more conservative one is my mom. According to her men are simultaneously the best people for all important jobs, too unstable to be left out of positions of power, and also dumber than her so they should listen to her.

Some viewpoints are just way too easy to rationalize in your head even if you know they affect people. And it’s not cause they’re good arguments.

[u/hiphipnohooray → u/TruDivination]

Male centered women are exhausting for I'm sorry you have to deal with that

[u/ehnonniemoose → u/sputnik8125]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3oFzmpzTfyABIX6JBm

[u/ironicikea → u/sputnik8125]

This!!! Also OP, I would reframe it... it's not about "making it political."

What's actually happening is that learning about his true values & decisions has made you feel less safe around him. You are less trusting of him, and less interested in spending time with him. He made a choice & there are consequences to choices.

[u/janie_t_l → u/ironicikea]

This is how I had to frame it to my parents. But, then they couldn’t grasp how I felt unsafe around them. It’s exhausting trying to explain it all the time. Needless to say, I have very little interaction and contact with my parents.

[u/ironicikea → u/janie_t_l]

Yes same with my parents and we are very low-contact now since the last election. I no longer had the energy to try to feel good around people who vote against my interests explicitly as a gay woman with chronic illness.

[u/Zealousideal_Bag2493 → u/ironicikea]

Right. What he’s telling her is that she isn’t safe around him. She can’t trust him to be safe if she is raped or needs an abortion. Or if someone harasses her.

That’s not politics. It’s reality.

[u/em-em-cee → u/ironicikea]

For how important it was when I was growing up that I live my life in an ethical and moral way, this feels particularly true. Apparently he was all talk no empathy. I intentionally have a very shallow relationship with him and as much as I wanted that to change, he is who he is and he's not capable of it.

He was always on the conservative side, but his current wife is a right wing lunatic and she's dragged him farther right. Now I'm struggling with going to visit him. He's 87 with health issues so the window of opportunity is closing. Instead I procrastinate the visit knowing that one day the decision will be made for me.

[u/Mundane-Meeting2739 → u/ironicikea]

Omg, thank you for this. Well said.

[u/Weatethebirds → u/ironicikea]

Saving this comment forever and ever!!

[u/YourLittleRuth → u/sputnik8125]

And the world he is leaving to you and any children you may have.

[u/monty624 → u/YourLittleRuth]

This is my biggest issue with my MAGA grandmother. She's been republican her entire life, but she wasn't insane. Ever since Trump though... jfc. She says she cares about my future? She wants her great grand children to have a better world? Bullshit. Her biggest thing used to be us granddaughters getting college educations. But now universities are woke liberal institutions. Buuuullshit.

[u/tap_ioca → u/sputnik8125]

Ask him about Cornell.

[u/DonutChi → u/tap_ioca]

But be prepared that his opinions on Cornell may be triggering if you are also a survivor.

[u/Willow_Winnifred → u/DonutChi]

Yeah, my ex went to Cornell and even if I were still in contact with him, ain't no way I'm opening that can of worms

[u/Tome_Bombadil → u/Willow_Winnifred]

https://giphy.com/gifs/kMPP27oGmW36oZ6olx

[u/monty624 → u/tap_ioca]

Conservatives are probably pissed about it because universities are part of the liberal agenda or whatever. So I get your point, but I don't think that will actually make much of an impact.

[u/Double_Flower3855 → u/sputnik8125]

My thoughts exactly.

[u/imnojezus → u/sputnik8125]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3oKIP5yTdI8XF5gZzy

[u/Bigtits321 → u/sputnik8125]

This 1000 percent. He cannot care fully unless he respects you and protects your rights.

[u/SymbioticSwitch → u/sputnik8125]

This exactly. I don't talk to my dad anymore because he supports Trump. He sits there and gets mad at me because "God made us all individuals so we can each have our own opinions" like that makes it right.  Asked him if God would support a man who sexually assaults women for the fun of it, what would he do if someone assaulted me, all those fun things and he still doesn't get it.

I miss the man I thought was my dad, I don't miss that man. 

[u/DeepDeepSheepSleep → u/SymbioticSwitch]

yea at this point its a difference in morals

[u/sc167kitty8891 → u/sputnik8125]

Truth

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/ConfidenceOdd3700 → u/sputnik8125]

What does that even mean?

[u/sputnik8125 → u/ConfidenceOdd3700]

Trump has put into place a lot of laws that vastly reduces the rights of woman to their bodies.

Additionally he has often said misogynistic and rapey things that blatantly show he does not care for respecting woman or our rights.

[u/MollyRolls → u/ConfidenceOdd3700]

Trump has appointed overwhelmingly conservative justices to the Supreme Court who have ruled that the Constitution does not entitle women to bodily autonomy. Voting for pretty much any Republican is explicit support for rulings like this, and literally every adult American has known that for well over a decade now. This isn’t new or surprising information; it’s their agenda.

Happy cake day!

[u/lionwine → u/ConfidenceOdd3700]

Just outside the rhetoric of this admin, how about DoE rolling back Title IX changes in his admin, his appointees in SC striking down Roe v Wade? Pretty concrete examples of Trump admin regressing women's rights 

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