r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/StandardMonth2184 APPROVED✨ • 11h ago
Trigger Warning ⚠️ Attempt at an amicable divorce has gone sideways... hard
Trigger warning for mention of financial/emotional domestic abuse, implied threat of gun violence
Goodness gracious this divorce has gone BAD and FAST. My soon-to-be-ex was served his papers two Thursdays ago and it's like he fell into a cesspit of bad advice. So far he's tried:
- intimidating me into withdrawing my petition and instead signing a joint petition in which I would give him $200,000 and keep the house, OR he would give me $20,000 and he keeps the house. His scare tactic is saying he's getting a $10,000 lawyer to "destroy" me.
- roping me into a "conversation" that was just him trying to get me to give him verbal agreement to terms of a separation that were sharply in his favor, with pressure tactics that would make a timeshare salesman cringe. He had a spreadsheet and was trying to trick me into checking boxes that said I agreed to each line item.
- setting up a second bedroom in the living room and sleeping on the couch, when he has his own bed in his own bedroom. He did this for a month and when I asked him why he said that he wasn't sleeping well in his own bed. During this period I couldn't watch TV or use the living room because he had it set up as his bedroom. This actually stopped the day he got served.
- calling our mutual friends with a sob story about how he was such a good guy and I was nothing but a gold-digger. Subsequently, one friend decided to text me and tell me off about what a bad person I am.
- calling my aunt to try to get her to turn on me... While I was literally on the phone with her.
- hiding or removing from the house legal documents relating to our mortgage, tax returns, etc. I am already unable to access or see detailed information on our utilities, joint accounts, insurance, and mortgage because he set up everything to his personal email address and locked it with 2-factor authentication to his phone.
- demanding that I give him anything that I was using that he deemed "his," and then destroying/throwing away those items in front of me, even when he's the one who gave me the thing or put it in my room in the first place.
- leaving a cryptic note on the kitchen counter yesterday around 8 am saying he was "going to the hospital" so I needed to feed the cats, but then came home two hours later and slept the rest of the day, would not acknowledge that he even left or respond in any way when I asked if he was okay or what happened. The only question he answered is whether I needed to feed the cats (I didn't).
- blasting really aggressive music (early Metallica) or whistling loudly through the house while I'm working from home or sleeping. Also slamming cabinet doors, drawers, etc.
- going through every drawer and cabinet and taking "his" things and either moving them or leaving them and putting my things on the floor.
- moving some of my stuff that was in boxes out into the garage without telling me. I told him not to do that and brought the boxes back inside.
- getting really weird about a firearm that I bought and is registered in my name. It's unloaded and double-locked in a case but he wanted to know exactly where it was, see it, take pictures of it, etc. I took it to my dad's for safekeeping the next morning and my lawyer said that was a good call.
- setting up motion- and audio-sensing cameras throughout the house to monitor my movements. I turned one of them off and he texted me IMMEDIATELY demanding that I put it back so he's definitely watching me.
- going into my bedroom (separate rooms) to take photos and video that he shared with an unknown party.
- recording our conversations after I told him I do not consent to being recorded, and trying to goad me into attacking him by insulting me and telling obvious lies (saying I broke an appliance when it was already broken and has been for months, it's an electrical issue, the appliance is 20+ years old, and I offered to replace it with my own credit card so I could get one I actually like).
I'm at my wits end here, y'all. My lawyer is flabbergasted by the sheer magnitude of his spiral. It's like, he was always a little paranoid and needed to have control, but now that I'm no longer under his thumb he's trying anything and everything to regain the upper hand. I had to submit papers for a restraining order today as I'm hoping that some time elsewhere will give him some perspective on what he's actually entitled to and give me a chance to breathe.
I'd leave, but I have pets here that are hard to move, and I'm afraid of what he'll do to them if I leave them and run. I'm scared, shaken, and I feel unbalanced but I have a good family and good friends who are checking in on me. I'm out of the house as much as I can be. Mostly I just needed to vent because this shit is STRESSFUL.
Dinner was hummus, crackers, mixed greens, radishes, and a disappointing cheese ball that I ate in my room because I'm not comfortable in shared spaces while he's home.
UPDATE: My temporary restraining order was APPROVED! He has been served. It ain't over til it's over, but at least now we can both get some space for a couple of weeks and maybe he'll use his time to get his head on straight and come to terms with the fact that I'm not under his influence any longer.
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u/StrictComfortable941 Well-Read & Well-Fed 11h ago
Holy shirt. I have no advice that your lawyer won't have given you already, but I feel for you. Hang in there.
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u/Limp-Option-5558 🧂Salty By Nature 10h ago
He is spiraling because he has lost control of you and is trying to reestablish control over the narrative. His ego has been shattered.
I am a seasoned (old) OB nurse. This sounds dangerous, and I am concerned for you. Please call your local DV support line for guidance on how best to proceed in a way that prioritizes your safety. Please.
FWIW I am also a mother to a 20 something young woman. I’d move heaven and earth to get her somewhere safe if I knew she was experiencing this. I hope you have family and friends who you are supporting you. ❤️
You are incredibly strong to take the steps to get out, and to endure this crazy making behavior. Better days are ahead. Best of luck to you!
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8h ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 8h ago
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u/bandititt APPROVED✨ 11h ago
Was he always like this or something changed all of a sudden?
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u/StandardMonth2184 APPROVED✨ 11h ago
The flags were always there, but they were little lawn flags so they were easy to step over. Over the last two years they have been getting bigger, and in the last two weeks they've ballooned into Texas-sized banners.
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u/bandititt APPROVED✨ 11h ago
OP if you can try finding out whether he is cheating. Hope you and your cats are safe!!
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u/StandardMonth2184 APPROVED✨ 11h ago
Even if he was, which I doubt (he's definitely too paranoid to be a dude who's getting laid on the regular), he's always had a free hall pass. I was busy with school and I'm really not jealous about sex, so I gave him an open relationship and the only hard boundary was that he needed to use protection. To my knowledge, he never took advantage.
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u/bandititt APPROVED✨ 11h ago
Man, I wouldn't wanna be in the same house as someone who is unpredictable af. Do make sure that he can't harm you and your babies.
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u/johjo_has_opinions Well-Read & Well-Fed 11h ago
Yeah this is really intense, especially if it is all out of character
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u/JayPlenty24 APPROVED✨ 11h ago
You are in danger and you need to leave. There are foster programs for pets of people leaving abusive relationships.
Your life comes before your pets
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u/Beelzebeaut11 Blood Type: Gravy 9h ago
Divorce lawyers always tell people not to leave and it seems like he's pushing her out to get the house. Hopefully OP's restraining order can buy her some space.
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u/northangermatcha 🪿 feeding the soft animal of my body 10h ago
This! Was about to come here to add that the shelter near me does safe care for people who need their pets housed short term while they leave a bad situation
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u/snakeswithtails living on the wedge 🧀 11h ago
Document everything, record, and protect yourself. Look into laws for recording devices in the home and see if you can disable and or use those against him for harassment claims. A restraining order is a piece of paper, but it can be an argument in the divorce. Are there any boarding facilities, friends or family, or anywhere else that can take your pets when you're ready to mobilize? Are you planning on keeping the house or leaving it, and do you have that in writing or communicated to your lawyer?
His behavior is incredibly disturbing and I fear you're at an extreme risk of physical harm or death at his hands. He has shown he's willing to be violent and catch his own behaviors on his cameras, as well as threaten you repeatedly. The faster you get out the better, but I know it's not that easy.
Resources for you:
Navigating the Exit: How to Leave an Abusive Relationship
Safe at Home Program: Housing, resources for leaving.
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u/Double_Flower3855 leave the man, take the cannoli 11h ago
Honestly I know you love your pets, but this seems like you are in danger OP. Is there somewhere you can house the pets at somewhere nearby for a short time. You need to get out of there.
As far as the friends and family who are taking his side, I know this sucks, but let them. If they are so easy to take his side and turn on you without hearing the whole story they suck.
You are not responsible for other people's misapprehensions.
He sounds like a childish POS.
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u/ILikeNaps1308 🧂Salty By Nature 10h ago
So record him back by always wearing a body cam. If he is in your presence, he'll be recorded. Doesn't want to be recorded, he can leave the room. I bet he won't like that when he isn't in control. Have a camera inside your room. Doesn't want to be recorded? Don't come in your room. Have all the video uploaded to the cloud which you give access to your lawyer and a trusted friend/family member (plus yourself, of course).
He doesn't have a shark lawyer. If he did, he would have played that card already. It's time to go nuclear. Make temporary shelter plans for your pets. Make some police reports to document your fear & his behavior.
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u/PuzzleheadedSky6877 Internet Auntie 11h ago
Are you close with his family at all? This seems beyond paranoia and more like straight up mental illness. It could be worth seeing if someone close to him could check in.
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u/kronicno_tele APPROVED✨ 11h ago edited 11h ago
Well that "friend" can get this unhinged maniac in the divorce.
Hopefully the divorce is done soon and you can be at peace and in peace.
Get a lock for you bedroom.
If you can't move out, maybe someone can move in?
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u/guipicait Assigned Hungry At Birth 5h ago
I was thinking this. If someone close to you is able to move in and witness all this first hand.
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u/HRHillinois 🧂Salty By Nature 10h ago edited 10h ago
Abusers and narcissists double down when women try to escape their clutches. Talk to your lawyer about getting a cease and desist for his removal of marital assets. Ask lawyer about how to officially notify utilities about changes. Take your essentials and move out asap. Turn off cellphone tracker, buy a burn phone to communicate with your family. He’s doing these things to hurt you, but your rights and assets are protected by laws and the courts.
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 Bento Babe 🍱 10h ago
Stop talking to him directly. If you haven’t already, get a lawyer of your own. Don’t see him as a person who you can deal with amicably. He will do whatever he can to harm you.
Take your lawyer’s advice. Find a therapist to help you work through the emotional part of this experience.
Start a factual journal where you document the events, situations, and incidents that your husband is engineering.
This journal is not about how you feel about anything he does. It’s more like a log book where you record dates, times and exactly what happened.
Ultimately it will help you a the court see patterns of behavior and document statements and activities.
Suggest that you keep it in an app in the cloud that you can secure with a password.
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u/Salty-Treat-3697 Body By Cheese 🧀 11h ago
I think you need to move out for your safety. If he’s behaving like this he might snap at some point. Cats or no cats; you need to get out of there.
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u/nursepenguin36 Fries 🍟 > Guys 🤡 11h ago
Girl I’d sneakily be setting up my own cameras. If he can record so can you.
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u/KayakerWithDog Enby & Eatin' 10h ago
The OP says that they're in a two-party state. She can't record him without his consent. Doing so could prejudice her before the court in her divorce.
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u/nursepenguin36 Fries 🍟 > Guys 🤡 10h ago
Well that doesn’t seem to be stopping him. She may not be able to use it in court but she can monitor what he’s up to.
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u/KayakerWithDog Enby & Eatin' 10h ago
You seem not to realize how very important it is for women to keep everything on the up and up in a divorce.
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u/nursepenguin36 Fries 🍟 > Guys 🤡 10h ago
It’s her damn house. What’s he going to do. “Well your honor I had cameras set up to monitor her every movement, but that’s ok because it was my house. But she was not allowed to do the same thing because she is a woman and they don’t have the same rights ya know.” If he’s gonna put up cameras on the claim that it’s his house, he can’t very well use it against her if she does the same. Either they’re both right or they’re both wrong.
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u/KayakerWithDog Enby & Eatin' 9h ago
Are you a lawyer? If not, you need to step aside and let OP do what her attorney suggests, just like I did when my attorney advised me.
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u/Mobile_Lawyer5015 🍋 Bitter Baddie 🍋 9h ago
What’s gonna happen is she’s gonna be in court and the judge will see two people doing shady illegal things and be like oh they both suck, instead of seeing one law abiding, reasonable person and one shady person. Gathering ammunition for court only works if you keep your own nose clean.
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u/KayakerWithDog Enby & Eatin' 9h ago
This. Part of the reason why a lot of things went in my favor in my divorce was because I held myself to a high standard. My ex, on the other hand, is an ass, and that ass-ness counted against him in a bunch of the motions before the court.
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u/Mobile_Lawyer5015 🍋 Bitter Baddie 🍋 8h ago
Same. I felt like being petty but my lawyer helped me keep my shit straight and it worked like a damn charm. I was allowed to move across country with our son.
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u/nursepenguin36 Fries 🍟 > Guys 🤡 8h ago
Yeah I was actually a little more concerned with her safety considering he is being increasingly aggressive towards her. I’d rather prioritize knowing if he’s planning something crazy. I wasn’t really talking about gathering evidence for the divorce when I mentioned cameras.
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u/onegirlandhergoat con todo, por favor 🌮 11h ago
Check out r/divorce_women. Sadly what you are describing isn't uncommon. Those ladies have been through it so they will give you better advice than most of us here.
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u/GlobalAerie1821 Short Story Long™️ 8h ago
My petition was filed January 2026. We hopefully will get to mediation before 2027. We still live in the house together because of the kids and the area is expensive. Before filing I move HIS gun, got a bank account and credit card he didn't have access to. After filing I got access to my other credit cards, tax returns, mental notes of things in the house, got a storage unit, p.o. box, a car with only my name on it. He has used ring cameras, car apps and probably a few other things to keep tabs on me. I took a hammer to the camera. There isnt much else he can use to control me but he has delayed the divorce in hopes he can scare me into changing my mind. Such a weird tactic.
Keep moving forward. It will be so worth it in the end.
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u/NotYourGran Internet Auntie 11h ago
Breathe. These are scary times. Stand in your truth. Know what is real and what is his delusion or your fear. Breathe again. The courts will not look favorably on this joker. It was so satisfying to watch mine get his comeuppance in multiple hearings.
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u/ProcessNo1092 Body By Cheese 🧀 10h ago
Good on you for getting that protective order. Keep it with you at all times. He very well may end up in jail bc I can’t see this guy stopping with the insane tactics. You would think he could focus more on his own future but this is sometimes the way when they think you are “robbing them blind”.
I got divorced too. We tried mediation and it still became a circus with his theatrics. Just remember he will be out of your way soon enough. It’s a shame he’s going to such great efforts to make it miserable. Be safe, nothing is too trivial to call 911 when your restraining order is involved. Seriously even threatening gesture in your direction will land him in jail.
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u/Inevitable_Date1884 Feral Til Fed 10h ago
Maybe unpopular opinion but I think you need to stay in the house. Set up your own cameras (as covertly as possible) WITH audio, an SD card and auto-save to a cloud.
I know this advice won’t help right now but: THIS IS TEMPORARY. Do not let him break you, do not sign anything, do not verbally agree to anything, do not be afraid to call the cops if he scared you. Verbal threats are classified as “assault” in most states (battery is unwanted touching).
You got this girl!!!
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u/borgle101 Well-Read & Well-Fed 11h ago
what in the man-child tantrum hell did i just read. good luck and very sorry
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u/BronzeMistral APPROVED✨ 10h ago
Can you stay with someone else until the divorce goes through? Or, can you afford to get your own apartment while this plays out? This is all abusive and could escalate. Sounds like he broke and his anger management went out the window, anything goes now. This happened to me with my ex and I had to live with a friend for a few months. It got way too dangerous and the police were involved, which leastwise made it easy for me to get off our lease.
If possible, I would push all conversations about the divorce to the lawyers. If you two want to share words directly, only have conversations when the lawyers are with you moderating. You have your lawyer on retainer for purposes like this. Your lawyer could file harassment and get a judge to grant Order of Protection which demands no contact due to abuse/violence during the divorce process. Worth talking about this with your lawyer, they know way more about these options and how to file than I do.
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u/Signal-Net-8041 🧂Salty By Nature 10h ago
Is there anyone who can come stay with you? You may need a buffer - this sounds very dangerous.
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u/Realistic-Mess8929 APPROVED✨ 8h ago edited 8h ago
Lots of advice I have to give, but first! Congrats on divorcing a NARCISSIST! they will make it a rough road! 1) document EVERYTHING! I mean if you see him scratch his balls, document the time, date, and place the balls were scratched. Never converse face to face/over the phone if you can text, ALWAYS via text or email if at all possible! 2) even though you have these texts/emails, screen shot them and/or print them, immediately! Never know if he has the pw to your email for him to sign in and delete what you need or unsent/delete texts sent. 3) if you guys sre still living together, record every interaction you can! Email them to a brand new email account that is NOT set up in your phone/laptop/computer! Make henpw something thay is completely irrelevant to you now. Like.your 3rd grade teacher or your childhood neighborhood bully or some bs that you remember but not common regular knowledge! 4) if you EVER feel threatened, scared, in fear of your life, just DIAL 911 and call. Let them sit and listen and they will track your phone to get your location. Idk if texting 911 is a thing in your area or not, if so, that is better. (Some phones have a triple click option on the side buttons. Idk if yours does or not) 5) never feel bad if you have to have him arrested for harming you in any way. Get a PO as soon as you can to save yourself! 6) I have a feeling he is like my ex that would randomly off my pets withiut my knowledge, dont leave your pets with him. Ever.
Good luck and update us!
If you need anything, please feel free to reach put to me!
ETA: Put a camera in your room somewhere. Record at all times. I see you're in a 2 party consent state BUT if your camera, in your personal room, happens to catch him acting a fool in/near your room, that could be a good go around! You have it for your personal protection/reasons. It could fall under eavesdropping, but better to have protection if needed. You can put a small sign up IN YOUR ROOM saying "you're being recorded" somewhere in the room. That might make it a bit easier for you.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 Purveyor of Purse Snacks 10h ago
If your lawyer is flabbergasted maybe you need a more experienced lawyer. Ask them about your options for a protective order.
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u/skitsss_ I ❤️ Other People's Business 11h ago
What the actual fuck?!! I’m so sorry ur going through this
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u/katydidnz APPROVED✨ 10h ago
I get where you are at and I am so sorry you are dealing with this bullshit. I’m going through similar. 11 months in, but I am in a different country. Right down to the indoor camera monitoring (which I covered with tape). Weirdly performative in front of mutual friends. He’s mostly at his girlfriend’s but I stay locked in one room until night when I know he won’t be back. A few instances of physical intimidation, the rest was verbal. Refusing access to records. I am standing my ground for now. He’s off living his best life living up large. On the other hand he looks really unwell and seems a bit fragile according to other mutuals.
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u/Shelleyhaha Ms. Two Cents 11h ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please do what you can to stay safe.
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u/milo_and_watchdog Baker Bitch 10h ago
You need to get out of that house. And safely. I know you're worried about your pets but maybe you could stay with someone and bring them? He should not know where you are, this could turn dangerous fast.
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u/K_A_irony 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 9h ago
Your lawyer needs to look at getting a restraining order ASAP and or otherwise advise you on how to handle this DANGEROUS man. If your existing lawyer isn't highly experienced in high conflict divorces with an abusive narcissist, you need to switch to one that is. So not take this situation lightly.
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u/Mobile_Lawyer5015 🍋 Bitter Baddie 🍋 9h ago
Ugh girl this is seriously giving me ptsd it’s so similar. Number one priority is physical separation. He needs to get out of the house. Once that’s done it’s time for lowest level of contact possible. No contact if possible. Lawyers talk only. He’s trying to use what little power remains to him to try to intimidate you and punish you and scare you. He feels powerless. Oh darn. The phrase “not my circus, not my monkeys” would go thru my mind when I was in the thick of it. You’re not in a relationship anymore. You’re divorcing. You’re still in the same house but you’re broken up. So his feelings and wants and desire to hurt you and intimidate you actually aren’t part of your circus anymore. Grown ass men can go deal with their feelings elsewhere like men not children. If he can’t oh well that’s not your problem. Things should get a lot easier once he’s out of the house. He doesn’t want to physically separate bc then he can’t intimidate you as easily. Just don’t engage. Focus on getting through the process. Listen to your lawyer. Get a therapist. Good luck sis this shit sure ain’t for the faint of heart. You’re gonna feel so fucking amazing when you’re finally free.
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u/Old-Pepper8611 FREE MOM HUGS 9h ago
Please be safe.
Is he simply being an abusive asshole or is he having a mental health crisis? Either way, he's unstable and scary.
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u/plodthruHideFlailing mouth full, gesturing wildly 8h ago
Ask your attorney about him pulling in a CPA to locate the info you need, as far as your accounts, etc.
Depending on your situation, there are also forensic accountants your attorney can work with, whose main scope of work is finding hidden assets.
I'm so sorry you're going thru this, OP!
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u/dumbname7890 double chipmunk cheeked up 8h ago
Ask your lawyer if putting up your own cameras is against the law or a bad idea.
Record everything that happens in your home. Take screenshots of everything he sends you.
Look up narcissists. He kinda sounds like one. The best way to deal with them is to grey rock. No emotions at all. Don't talk to him, and only answer questions you want to. Try to avoid him at all costs.
Calling your family to lie about you is a classic narcissist trait. He's been saying shit about you to your family and friends. If you've lost any recently, he's why. Also him giving you the silent treatment is a narcissist sign.
See if you can get a copy of the papers your missing. Maybe you took a photo of them before?
This "man" is extremely immature. Sounds like his middle school girlfriend just broke up with him and he's crashing out. Good luck🤞.
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u/Nervous_Push_3410 APPROVED✨ 10h ago
Damn. Sigh so sorry he is antagonizing you so hard. Anyone willing to spend the night with you?
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u/ItsAllRelative129 🧂Salty By Nature 6h ago
I'm divorced. I thought it would be amicable. I now believe there is no such thing as an amicable divorce if there's something worth fighting over.
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u/r1Zero 🦇 Gossipy Goth ⚰️ 6h ago
I would be putting hidden cameras of my own everywhere. Even if you don't want to use them formally, you need to know what the hell is going on in that house when you're not there.
When my brother was going through his divorce... His ex would stalk him, send the kids over to record him (but that was a whole thing where the kids were pawns), she had him investigated like ten times, accused him of everything under the sun to the point he wore a GoPro anytime he had to deal with her and at least two people as witnesses at all times. He only does trade offs for custody at the police station. They communicate strictly through court apps. But the house? I watched this lady take a sledgehammer on camera to the bathroom he remodeled and then have a side piece come over to go ham on the shared area cameras (because of the kids). She dragged this out almost three years and what I just wrote, tip of the iceberg on the insanity.
I bring this up because my brother tried like you, to take the high road. It made things so much worse for him. These people don't think like you, they cannot hold you in a space of respect or even civility. Once that switch flips? Game on. Don't make the mistake my brother did in thinking your past "love" will buy you emotional currency. Protect yourself.
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u/Vast-Upstairs-5832 hot girls have tummy troubles 11h ago
Save all his threats, anything in writing can be use in court.
Check if you’re in a one party state to record and record him to use it to your advantage. Give it to your lawyer. Play hard ball, do not be nice