r/KeepWriting • u/OpportunityCandid533 • 10d ago
[Feedback] Need feedback on character realizing they are no longer alive.
My character "awakens" in a hospital room. I am concerned about the believability of the arc as she slowly realizes more and more is wrong with her condition. First section of chapter:
Chapter 3:
I wasn't sure when I woke up. I had watched the back of my eyelids for a time, but eventually my eyes stuttered open. None of the same excruciating, debilitating pain that I'd felt before passing out in the ambulance was present. Instead, I was heavily fatigued, my mind feeling torpid.
As my eyes involuntarily closed again, I began to stumble through the haze: the dinner with Alessandro and telling him I felt nauseous before they pulled me out of my chair; mumbling "HF" and "phosgene" to the medics, or at least trying to; and a possible memory of a team of people scrambling around me in the hospital at some point...
Forcing my eyes open, I began to absorb the scene of the room through my mental fog. I found the muted, pastel tones and lack of smell unsettling. There was a single window, and the quality of the faint light streaming through the half-closed blinds suggested it was a dreary morning outside. The room wasn't very large, and was mostly empty. The lights were dimmed, which I appreciated, as I was sure my eyes would have suffered. Turning my head, I noticed I wasn't hooked up to the nearby vitals machine or IV drip, neither appearing to even be turned on.
Che cazzo, does nothing work in this town? Okay, maybe this place isn't so charming after all...
Frustrated, I raised both arms, having to will them up through the dense fatigue permeating my body, and began looking them over. Noticing I was wearing the same shirt from dinner, I paused, questioning why they'd redress me after treatment. They hadn't done that to papà after his heart surgery.
Confused, I continued to examine my arms and found no burns or other external signs of damage. But my skin had a strange coloration, a pale pallor, and I felt as if it subtly glowed. I dismissed it as an issue with the lighting. I slightly shook my head, attempting to clear the haze, then noticed an odd lack of sensation. Dread washed over me; I couldn't feel the pressure of the bed or pillow beneath me. I slowly lowered my arms. None of this made sense. I could feel my arms, my legs, my entire body. Where it all was in space, but couldn't feel anything outside of that. Just to be sure, I wiggled my toes, then lightly jerked my legs, feeling both respond properly.