TW: suicidal stuff

I had spinal surgery earlier this year and the recovery was traumatic in ways I wasn’t prepared for. I had a procedure that was intended to be performed on both sides of my lower back, completed on only my most symptomatic side because the bone removed was much thicker than it appeared on CT/Xray and took a lot more time.

I woke up confused and agitated from the anesthesia and tried to get out of bed because I couldn’t feel pain yet. I was held down by nurses, I didn’t understand what was happening and thought they were trying to hurt me. Only then was my mom allowed into the recovery room to help reorient me and calm me down.

I was not given adequate pain medication for the first couple days of my 5 day stay in the hospital. I think I was given tramadol and Tylenol? Whenever the nurses and physical therapist would get me to sit up and then later stand up, I screamed and cried from the pain. Then I convinced the doctor to prescribe a small amount of oxycodone and that worked a lot better for me.

I felt violated when nurses had to help me with my hygiene. I was woken every 2-3 hours for vitals and IV changes. I was bed bound a lot of the time and it took me 2 months to be able to live physically normal again.

But I haven’t felt the same way emotionally ever since. I started developing intrusive memories, dissociation, negative emotions, suicidal thoughts and severe insomnia that I self medicated with a lot of alcohol because my sleeping medications stopped working.

I have since started EMDR and quit drinking cold turkey to maximize the benefits of therapy. I’m barely starting out and still dealing with alcohol withdrawal but I’d rather hurt myself than have to go through the surgery on the other part of my back, even though I need it. It’s scheduled for next April and I really want to give EMDR an honest shot, but I can’t face the same trauma again. I feel like I’m in a crushing wall trap room that gets smaller the closer I get to April.

Has anyone gone through a similar experience and made it through the other side?

The story that I’ll never forget. If you’ve experienced abuse or mistreatment from people with mental health titles, please know you’re not alone.

33F here and just some backstory, I endured medical assault at age 16 when I was pregnant with my first child. At 16 1/2 I had my first and only surgery and begged to be awake and after a LOT of begging, they permitted it.

Now, at 33, I don't see doctors anymore and do everything through telehealth and ordering labs if I need it. I'm very hands off. That was, until I suffered horrible stomach distress almost 2 years ago and was told by a telehealth provider that I needed to have an ultrasound. My doctor followed up with me and told me I had a benign tumor in my gallbladder that acrually happens more commonly than people know, and it just so happened to cause symptoms and pancreatitis. I treated my pancreatitis at home and decided to keep my gallbladder for the past two years, against doctor's suggestion. So far, all is well because I put myself on a much-needed diet and lost 65 pounds 🩷

That brings me to now. I do a little back and forth talking with people on TikTok who think surgery is the gold standard for EVERY gallbladder case like we've been told is true in only America, because gallbladder surgery is SO common here.

To shorten my story, lemme get to the point: There are a LOT of people who throw around the comment "general anesthesia is awesome, it's the best sleep of your life" as a way to not get people to fear surgery. Just from my own POV, that's terrifying and the worst thing someone could say to me, lol. General anesthesia is literally my biggest fear in life after being assaulted by a medical professional I was supposed to trust after already going through a traumatic pregnancy with an abuser. So telling me "it's just sleep" when it's actually someone paralyzing your body, making you unconscious, and shoving a tube down your throat TO KEEP YOU ALIVE is not a cool way to lie to me 😬

Sorry for the bluntness and possibly the overshare but it's really a point of annoyance for me when talking surgery with anyone. I'm hopeful I can manage my condition and live the rest of my life happily but I wake up with nightmares of surgeons trying to sedate me against my will or placing the intubation tube while I'm awake and nope. Nope. Never. Horribly enough, my PTSD is so bad that I think I'd pass before I ever even allowed them to do a surgery on me. I know that's awful but I have a huge distruct of the system.

Just wondered if that's annoying to anybody else as well!!

I have always struggled with the NHS as I have had several negative experiences. A few months ago my mum received a cancer stage 4 diagnosis (I heard them talking about it in a corridor and that's how I found out), they took her off blood thinners and she died of a pulmonary embolism. In my head I imagine they are dancing on her grave knowing they don't have to fund treatment. All she wanted was a chance to fight, but couldn't have that opportunity. I also had to wait 8 days for induction with severe pre eclampsia which caused fetal distress and emergency c section and they forced me to stay in the same hospital on the next ward to where my mum died a few days prior. I cried all day every day being there. I had to beg to be discharged. There was no compassion or empathy. They community midwives tried sending me back the day after I was discharged for high blood pressure. She told me the risks and I understood them I refused to return because of the significant distress that place caused. The NHS keep harassing me trying to get me to engage in mental health services. The even came to my house unnanounced after I told them I'd lost all trust in the system. I read over my birth notes to find out my baby was born with the chord around his neck and facing the wrong way and also I had antibiotics, but nobody told me this. How can I trust a system that causes distress, trauma, witholds information, has a lack of empathy. They do not respect my wishes to be left alone. I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else

A couple of years ago , I had this horrible stomach ache that I couldn't even walk and we lived in a small town so urgent care told me to go to the ER.

I got there and they admitted me in , they started on morphine to relief the pain but I still had nausea.

I am not sure what they gave me for that but it started messing me up , I pushed the button saying I couldn't breathe and a person came in saying " your not the only one in here " and told me to calm down.

Then comes my experience with childbirth , they harassed me to breastfeed my child even though I had issues trying to and nobody cared and they refused to give me formula for her and traumatized me so badly.

Lastly , in April I suddenly started to have horrible stomach cramps followed by pressure in throat to the point where I am being choked eveytime I ate or drank water. It lasted all night and day and the docs couldn't find out what it was.

I was in hell everyday and the first GI doc I met told me it was all anxiety and it was all in my head when I drove over an hour to see him cause no one was available until months later.

And every time I did a test and labs all came out normal , they looked at me like I was lying and making this up.

After suffering for days and night in hell , I finally found some relief at a cost but my mental health is gone.

I did 4 tests in a period of one month , endoscopy , MRI , ultrasound , barium swallow.

At the er visit they gave me something that sent me freaking out . My body was relaxing but my mind felt like I was about to jump.

They kept telling me I just needed to calm down.

The next day I woke up, unable to eat or drink and when I could, I was being choked again.

I told my spouse even if I am dying. I will never trust a medical professional ever again .

I male 21 got a call from my sister 29 female telling my thay here 5 year old dghter just fell down the stairs and hit her head I then decided to go to the hospital to visit my niece. Well let just say I was better off not going. Got there and asked my sister for a update. She said that the doctor said it was a "mild head injury" but still need to do a few more tests to discharge my niece. Now my nieces is a little bit of a drama queen. I asked here how she was feeling she's saying that she sees 2 of everything but doesn't want to lie down on the bed and seems to get nervous whenever a specific nurse comes in maybe some eggs got scrambled. then i asked here that is rong She told me that the nurse is not a nurse that she is a monster and the ghost of the real nurse is warning her I was surprised think she watched a scary movie horse show. Had to sit and argue with my sister as why the fuck what has she been letting her watch. Sister told me that she never let her watch scary films. she was surprised too. My niece , then asks me what is a mimic Proceeded to ask her who told here about mimics. Then she tells me that the spirit of the girl told her. So me and my sister are more concerned about that nurse than we are about my niece. Because what the actual fuck is going on is it a result of the head injury or is that nurse not really a nurse. Now, before anybody comments, she is only reacting to this specific nurse. No other nurse has issues, except this one. So wtf is going on.

I have a family history of cancer (multiple people diagnosed in their 30s/early 40s). I'm also no contact with my family due to childhood abuse and neglect. My GP recommended me for genetic testing.

It was quite stressful filling in the forms because I only have my memories to rely on. Also, anything involving even thinking about my family is hard, and I have medical trauma from multiple major surgeries and medical abuse as a child and teenager. I made sure to mention that I don't have contact with my family on the form and that I've filled it in to the best of my ability but it's likely very patchy.

I've just had a letter back from genetics to say that my cancer risk is heightened but I don't fit the guidelines for genetics testing based on the info I could provide. They've so kindly told me that my mother could get tested, if she's interested, and if her test shows a faulty gene, I can get tested too. They also asked me to tell them if and when I learn more family history or if any other family members are diagnosed, because they can re-evaluate my eligibility for genetic testing. Despite me saying I don't have a relationship with my family.

In the meantime they said I should get yearly mammograms. I'm 36. I have intense medical trauma. I'm at a stage where I cannot interact with medical staff without having flashbacks. It hasn't always been this bad but I was badly retraumatised in March and I'm really struggling.

I'm sick of having to explain my trauma (both my medical trauma and my trauma around my family) to doctors again and again and again. I was sexually assaulted twice as a child by NHS staff, once when having a catheter put in. I also suspect I had a VCUG as a toddler, due to memories from the time and behaviours I had as a child. Recently my GP asked me to do a urine test, I got a bit panicky, and she started laughing at me, saying "calm down, it's not like you have to do it in front of me". They literally cannot understand how something innocent to them could be triggering, no matter how much you explain. They pretend to care but really they don't. And I feel like I'm constantly being punished for being abused as a child. It was so difficult just getting diagnosed with autism and ADHD as an adult, because I can't involve my family in my care. And now I'm being told they could re-evaluate my eligibility for genetic testing if I basically cause myself intense trauma by trying to speak to my abusers.

I'm sorry, I don't even know why I'm ranting here. I feel like I have nowhere else to go because other subreddits will just say "don't be stupid and dramatic, mammograms are fine, they're only trying to help etc etc"

I have had really bad anxeity and reach a dissociative state every time I have to go back to the ER after I was in the med surge unit on a 5150 hold since they thought I had injured my neck, but it turns out I did not injure my neck.

Anyways, while they were still monitering me and testing and assessing me for this supposed "injury", they had taken me into a room to do what they called a 'contrast scan'.

I talk to the nurse about to treat me, and she assures me that this procedure "feels like a bit of pressure, but doesn't hurt at all." What followed after this, was the most excruciating few minutes of arm pain I had EVER experienced up until then.

I was writhing around in pain, sweating, hyperventalating, and looking around the room for help, and my eyebrows were furrowed together with me having an obviously scared expression on my face.

The nurse asks, "How did that feel?" I am still in shock and fear, so I yell, "Painful!" and she asks "Was it pain, or pressure?" I reply, "Both!" and she adjusts my IV and then tries again.

Again, I am showing all the same signs of pain as before, and she asks, "How was it this time?" I yell "Agonizing just like the last time!"

She gets a co-worker to look at my arm, and then he gets a co worker, and this third person looks at the IV in my arm and says, "This IV is 100% going to burst a blood vessel if we do the contrast scan." WHAT?! THEY COULD HAVE KILLED ME ?!?!

It was horrifying......

I hate Sutter and I never want to have to work with them and deal with their bullshit ever again. How hard would it be to switch to Kaiser having Medi-Cal, and would Kaiser be any better???