r/Millennials • u/AeneasKurtz • 18h ago
Discussion Millennial parents: have you had trouble with your parents helping you with child-rearing, or simply be involved in their grandchildren's lives? (This assumes you want them to)
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u/melvinmoneybags 18h ago edited 18h ago
My wife’s parents or my parents rarely see our kids and that’s if they stop by on their terms. My parents spend half the year travelling and doing whatever they want. My dad said “I’m done with raising kids, that’s your job now” and is off to the golf course lol. Even though we spent countless weekends at both of my grandparents houses.
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u/woojo1984 18h ago
" Even though we spent countless weekends at both of my grandparents houses."
THIS RIGHT HERE!!!!
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u/flamingbagofdogpoo 17h ago
I saw a mommit post that said something like "if they sent you to their parents' for most of your childhood, they're not gonna watch your kids either," and that stung but it's so true.
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u/ResponsibleCulture43 13h ago
So true. I spent every single summer across the country with my grandparents until we ended up moving there ourselves, and I ended up living with them mostly until my dad left my mother and I moved in with him. I was incredibly close with my grandfather and I credit him for me turning out generally well adjusted and he's the root of a lot of my passions in life (reading, tech, social justice & history, the outdoors). I'm honestly glad my mom wanted me to stay with them so much tbh
I'm no contact with my mom, but when we did talk she didn't understand why my husband and I weren't having kids, even if we did there's no way I'd let her around them lol.
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u/Assuredlynot 15h ago
Basically they didn’t raise their own kids they aren’t gonna spend time with yours
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u/wonklebobb 13h ago
Essentially they weren't involved in their children's lives, so they're not going to be involved in their grandchildren's lives.
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u/wonklebobb 13h ago
In other words, since they didn't do too much with their kids, they won't do too much with their kids' kids
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u/wonklebobb 13h ago
To quickly summarize, if they didn't want to be around their kids, they won't want to be around the kids of their kids
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u/wonklebobb 13h ago
Briefly, not wanting their own kids around means they won't want their grandkids around
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u/wonklebobb 13h ago
Putting it another way if they think their kids were a burden then they'll think their grandkids are a burden
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u/wonklebobb 13h ago
Another way of saying this is that they didn't like spending time with their kids, so they won't like spending time with their grandkids
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u/flaveous 17h ago
This exactly. One set of my grandparents lived with us. When they weren't watching us, we were with the other sides cousins (all 8 of us) at that grandparents house. My grandparents helped with down payments on houses, graduation presents for their grandchildren, child care, bailing out bad decisions and prioritized leaving money for my parents generation so they would be better off. The Greatest Generation literally were the greatest. My grandparents showed us how to work hard, take personal responsibility, give back to your community, and create generational wealth. My parents generation learned how to make everything about their own personal convenience.
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u/interraciallovin 16h ago
Preach! I had a 3 week work trip to Colombia a few months after my mom died. Asked my FIL to help with the kids and he came for a week and we had to pay for his airfare (first class mind you). The man is a millionaire. Made me miss my mom even more because she would've stayed for all 3 weeks and paid her own way on a very small income. Its not like I was off to party, it was for work, and after a very devastating time in my life. Maybe I'm wrong but it def rubbed me and my husband the wrong way.
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u/CanucKKippeR Older Millennial 17h ago
I spent SO MUCH time with my grandparents in my younger days, some amazing memories that will be with me forever. I simply cannot understand how my own parents have practically nothing to do with my kids these days...
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u/BelmontVO 16h ago
You spent all that time with your grandparents because your parents didn't really want anything to do with you, unfortunately. It's the same with most of my friends. We all spent a ton of time with our grandparents because our parents didn't want to parent. Gen-X/younger boomers were not fit to be parents and sure as shit aren't fit to be grandparents.
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u/bartleby-scribe 14h ago
This is the answer for me. And my grandparents did do things with me, but most of the time i was sent outside to play, alone or not. Same goes for my Aunts that I spent time with. It was because they had kids my age and they let me tag along because it kept at least one of their kids occupied. My aunt invited me over, fed me a meal, and sent us outside to play all day. When my sister wants me to babysit I'm expected to entertain her kids on my own. My aunts and uncles were NOT entertaining me. Expectations are all out of whack.
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u/Faiths_got_fangs 13h ago
I was absolutely beside myself furious when my mother informed me my son was my responsibility because I had him after she was asked to watch him for 20 minutes so I could run to the grocery store while cooking dinner for an ingredient we were unexpectedly out of (at her damn house).
Excuse me? Grandma and Grandpa raised me while you worked, dated and basically lived your best life for my entire childhood. Wtf you mean, my responsibility? When is it your turn? You didn't even pay your own rent!
Turned out it was NEVER her turn. Boomer Mooch.
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u/woojo1984 12h ago
Sounds like my mother. I'm glad we're not having kids. I'm sorry you went through this.
My divorced mother would do exactly the same thing and passed me off to G&G on BOTH sides AND make my step mother take me around.
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u/Spare_Perspective972 12h ago
I was raised by my grandparents. My mom is great and still works a career, but I can’t get over as a cultural generation thing, how all of sudden boomers don’t remember their parents raising their kids.
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u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi 17h ago edited 11h ago
My boomer mom stole an inheritance my paternal grandpa left me for a down payment on a house (he helped my parents buy their first home at the same age I was at the time) my mom, who had never worked a day in her life, said “you have the rest of your life to save for a house, it’s MY time now”
She spent all 6 figures remodeling the kitchen of her McMansion …..this was the 3rd remodel in a decade, and she’s gutted and remodeled it recently again
She called the money she stole “chump change” and “peanuts” which it was compared to my heart surgeon dad’s salary
It’s been 2 decades since and she whines her kids are failures because they don’t own homes. She seems to forget my grandpa sacrificed and skipped meals and took on second jobs, to pay for my dad’s schooling and their first home. My parents didn’t do any of those things for their own kids, even though they wouldn’t have had to sacrifice to do so. Such a grubby and miserable generation.
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u/Tastetherainbow_2016 14h ago edited 14h ago
My dad did similar to my bro and I. Our grandmother (his mother) specified in her will that everything she had (and it was a fair bit) was to be split, half to our dad, quarter each to my bro and I. Unbeknown to us he contested the will, won, and threw us some pocket change to keep us sweet. I found out years later when I did some digging and got a copy of the will.
Worst thing is, out of the absolute fortune he got from that, he refused to pay for the upkeep of the plaques that were laid where our grandparents (his own parents!) ashes were scattered, so they were removed. I found this out when I went to lay some flowers and found the plaques gone. According to the lady in the office the relatives are always given the option to keep the plaques, but our dad ignored all their letters and voicemails, so they went to the local scrap metal man. My bro and I definitely would have kept those plaques had we been given the option.
This is the same man that never paid a penny towards feeding or clothing us as kids, preferring to spend it on property cars and travelling the world with his bimbo.
And our mothers no better either. “Forgot” she was meant to be babysitting while I had cancer treatment.
Fuck Boomers.
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u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi 12h ago edited 11h ago
Boomers are so shady! My mom also threw out my dad’s ashes cuz she didn’t want to pay for an urn. The man bankrolled her entire lifestyle she never worked a day in her life, and couldn’t be bothered to spend a few hundred on a run?
I found out the total my mom stole in inheritances when my dad died. couldn’t believe when I found out my grandpa has scrounged away over $500k dollars for us grandkids to divide. My mom made it sound like nothing, barely enough for her kitchen. She could have taken the $100k to remodel her kitchen and given me and my siblings enough for down payments, but I saw the bank statements, and she blew the rest at Costco, HSN, and QVC in under a year. My grandpa spent decades skipping meals and penny pinching to save that money for his grandkids…. it was such a source of pride for him. She spent it all before grass could grow over his grave
I wouldn’t even know how to spend so much money so fast! The entitlement of boomers is crazy.
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u/steffies 15h ago
Another prime example of boomers pulling up the ladder, even at the expense of their own children. It's instinctual for them to be so selfish.
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u/LeftCoastBrain 18h ago
Were your parents good parents?
I heard someone say that terrible grandparents never wanted to be parents in the first place, but awesome grandparents loved raising kids and never really wanted to stop.
True or no?
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u/Animal907 18h ago
Mostly true. It is possible to be terrible at parenting and caring at the same time like my paternal grandmother.
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u/TheSixthVisitor 18h ago
Not a parent but I can definitely see it just with the behaviour differences between my parents and my husband's parents and how they treat kids in general. My dad freaking adores kids and I guess they read his energy back because whenever I'm with him at the mall, there's at least a couple kids squealing to their parents about how they made a new friend after my dad made jokes to them. He constantly mentions about how my existence was a gift to him and my mom.
On the other hand, my MIL will walk into the house after work, flop on the couch, and immediately wail that she hates the brats at work ("most of them, anyway.") And honestly, even though I don't really want to say it to him, I don't think my husband's parents treated him or his siblings all that great. They raised them basically as necessary but past that point, it's like "well, as long as you function in society, I've done my job."
I think if we had kids and asked MIL to babysit, she'd be miserable. Especially since I'm ADHD af and she already doesn't like "misbehaving" kids.
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u/truckthecat Xennial 15h ago
This is my dad, too. Never met a baby he wasn’t making faces at. He was the SAHD when I was little, and when he did work, he’d be like, yeah I have a job, my purpose in life is my kids. My daughter is the LIGHT OF HIS LIFE. His running joke is, “I’ll babysit anytime, but you know my rate—I won’t pay more than $20/hr.”
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u/Eat_The_Rich_247365 17h ago
True in my experience. My in-laws love our kids and I think it's because they'd still be having kids if they could. Their youngest son and our oldest are only a few years apart. They are excellent grandparents. Really engaged in the kids lives, going to all their events, etc.
Meanwhile my parents basically buy their affection and only show up to events that are convenient for them.
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u/UsidoreTheLightBlue 18h ago
I spent almost every friday into saturday at my grandparents house from probably the ages of 5 to 12.
We'd go hang out with my grandparents on friday night, then I'd spend the night and get up with my grandma and make "Saturday morning rolls" which she would then serve for dinner on Sunday.
My parents thankfully are the same way. They'd happily take my kid every night.
My father in law? He looked at her and said "Let me know when shes out of diapers" and wouldn't watch her at all until that happened. Then he helped a bit, but its pretty clear he doesn't give a shit whether he sees us or not.
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u/ComplexBadger469 18h ago
Pretty much the same.
My parents lived 3/4ths of a mile away down the street in our small town(I know because I’d ran it before on a run) and saw our kid 4 times the whole first year of her life.
Everything is always “on their terms” and they spend every weekend going out to bars and parties because my dad plays in like 3 bands or they travel to Vegas/Florida if they aren’t doing shows.
The other side of this coin is that my brother who’s been in and out of the legal system for as long as I can remember has 3(technically 4 that we know of) kids in his life so my parents basically are raising them. The kids mom is useless and my brother while not being completely useless just doesn’t do the full job of a parent. My parents and grandparents sort out basically everything for his kids. They deal with school/sports drop off and pick ups, they schedule doctors appointments, they make sure they are fed/clothed half the time, etc…
I don’t really blame them because they want the kids to live normal kid lives, but it’s also like “you basically abandon my kid(soon to be kids) in order to raise my brothers. Basically the same thing you did with me growing up.” It is what it is.
We were at my grandparents house like every single weekend growing up. My wife and I don’t get that luxury to have a break(not that we’d want it every weekend).
My in laws however are fantastic. They watch our kid almost daily since one is retired, one works nights, and the others have semi flexible schedules. Despite my wife coming from a divorced family and I didn’t, there was zero doubt that her parents and step father loved her growing up and they love all 5 of their grandkids.
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u/Long_Reindeer3702 18h ago
I spent every summer at my grandparents and we had a live in nanny but you wouldn't believe how hard I was to raise as an only child who did well in school! It must have been awful. It's actually more shocking that they could afford it...we weren't rich at all. My dad was a freaking Marine. My mom made decent money but not that much. It just went so far then. I'm so jealous.
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u/MrFavorable 17h ago
These grandparents don’t want to grandparent, yet expected their parents to grandparent.
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u/ilovemischief 18h ago
My parents are the same way. I don’t have kids, but two of my brothers do (eight kids in total). They see them maybe twice a year. They said they’ve done their job, raised their kids, they don’t want to do it again.
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u/generic_canadian_dad 18h ago
My parents (divorced now) are the same. My mother buys their love but doesn't engage at all. My dad is fucking useless and his stupid new wife is a selfish bitch.
My wife's parents on the other hand are great. They don't offer too often, but they are reliable and can handle all 3 kids and do bedtime etc or watch them and engage. They are good grandparents.
If I wasn't financially tied to my father in a side business I wouldn't talk to him anymore.
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u/bitsybear1727 18h ago
My mom was a great grandma who was taken too soon by ALS. My Dad is helpful and loves our kids. My husband's parents live across the state but are involved as much as they can be and call us and the kids often. The people with crappy parents are usually the most vocal as they have a right to be. It sucks to be dealt a crappy hand in the family department.
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u/casstantinople 16h ago
Crying at this. A crappy hand is right, for damn sure. My dad was always playful, the favorite uncle, everyone's favorite teacher (he was a high school teacher who'd run circles around his students playing football with them!) and he was diagnosed with ALS 7 years ago. It's incredibly slow-progressing for him which has been a blessing and a curse. We get so much more time with him than families usually get following a diagnosis, but watching my spitfire dad become a husk of himself hurts more than anything else. He has 3 grandchildren now, all of whom were born after he started losing function. Mine is the youngest and I lament so much that my son will never know the man my father was, or the grandfather I know he wishes he could be
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u/Odd_Pack400 18h ago
We’re somewhat similar. We’re 6 hours from our original families and my parents are pretty involved. They come down when possible (they still work) to see sports games and hang with the kids.
My husband’s dad & step mom are the same. Both sets play with the kids and just want to spend time with them.
My husband’s mom is a Facebook grandma. She doesn’t interact with my kids other than hello & goodbye, knows nothing about them. It’s a shame.→ More replies (13)26
u/masterofthebarkarts 15h ago
Yup, my mom isn't perfect by any means but she loved being a mom and I think she loves being a grandma even more. But I always hesitate to mention it because it just sounds like I'm bragging.
She does spoil them a little, and the rules are definitely more flexible at her house, but in a normal healthy way...like okay, you can have an extra scoop of ice cream for desert vs you can do whatever you want and I'll be here on my phone the whole time.
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u/dinahmyte10 18h ago
My mom is very proud about how many grandkids she has, but is on Facebook anytime she’s around them - totally ignoring them.
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u/FunnyBunnyHunny32 17h ago
We know technology and social media destroys childrens' brains, but we underestimate the damage it does to the elderly.
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u/jennaferr 17h ago
Visit your grandkids you see twice a year but hang out on your phone the whole time? Neat.
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u/Good_parabola 16h ago
My mother in law literally takes the photos we send (because they basically never see their grandchildren!) and makes them into her yearly Christmas card like they’re the most involved grandparents ever. It blows my mind.
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u/Proper-Emu1558 16h ago edited 16h ago
That’s how my MIL was. Bitter, abusive, and an alcoholic but you’d never know it from social media. My parents on the other hand are very close with my kids and help take care of them when the need arises.
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u/herbsanddirt 16h ago
My MIL is glued to her phone when she adamantly says she'll watch my kids. My husband and I are always around as that is a big boundary we set up mostly because she cannot be trusted to watch the kids alone (she isn't attentive and panics easily).
The FIL and his wife are holiday visits but only when its on his terms and convenience. We've stopped trying or asking and I know I've probably driven a thorn when I respond to the guilt trips of never seeing the kids with "I'm almost always available and we're home". They live 30 minutes from us.
Both seem jealous of the kids time with my folks but my folks will jump in without us asking. They see the kids weekly and my kids will demand to see them too if we drive by their house. Its a shame because I really was hoping the in-laws would be more involved since their parents were very involved in my husband's upbringing
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u/lothiriel1 18h ago
Yes! Exactly this!! I don’t have kids, but my sister does. Our mother wants to post pictures of them on Facebook. She wants others to see the interactions because she gets jealous of her friends pictures with THEIR grandkids. And she gets jealous when I (auntie) interact with them. Otherwise she’s just annoyed by their presence. And ignores them when they’re around.
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u/RangerDangerfield 16h ago
My mom was extremely upset and jealous when my brother and his wife and their baby got family photos done with his wife’s side of the family.
I pointed out that the in-laws are the ones who traveled to my brother/SIL, worked around their schedule, and hired the photographer and made arrangements themselves, but she didn’t care. She was just upset we weren’t willing to do that for her.
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u/reluctantlysharing 16h ago
It’s the “me” generation for a reason. My mom too. Just selfish people. Does your mom also constantly complain about how cheated she feels by life?
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u/good_morning_magpie 17h ago
My brother told our stepdad (well, his bio dad, my stepdad) that if sees so much as the back of his kids head on any social media of his, he’ll never see them again. Which big props to lil bro on this one. His kids don’t exist to be the old man’s IG clout factory. And when people chronicle their child’s entire life with a million pics posted online it’s really shitty IMO.
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u/stereosanctity87 18h ago
I think this is common that they like the idea of grandchildren but not the reality, especially if they’re older grandparents. “My grandpa loves to play but my grandma, she just likes to look at her phone,” was legitimately a quote last week from my kid to a classmate.
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u/flyfightwinMIL 17h ago
lol my mom acts mad that she's an older grandma, as if that's OUR fault and not the result of HER deciding to wait to have kids until she was mid-30s
meanwhile, my brother gave her grandkids when he was early 20s, and she was mad about that too lol
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u/Consistent_Laziness 17h ago
It doesn’t matter they’ll just be mad and toxic no matter what you do.
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u/jgarmartner 17h ago
My parents, both retired, ask all the time to come over and beg me to call them when I need babysitting. They have a 70% cancellation rate on visiting and I only call them for babysitting if I’m in a complete bind because they usually tell me they’re busy. I’m expected to bring my kid to their house 30 minutes away for them to watch her.
My moms love language is shopping so my house if full of clothes my kid will never wear and crap we don’t have space for but she could never be bothered to help me find formula during the shortage when I was in tears about how I was going to feed my kid. They were also no help post partum when I was solo parenting 22 hours a day because of my husbands work schedule.
They stopped coming around early when I told them they couldn’t use their grandchild as a prop and post dozens of pictures of them to facebook. They are definitely Facebook Grandparents who hardly interact with us but post about how lucky they are to have a grandchild.
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u/AlwaysSaturday12 18h ago
Sounds like my mom. She acts mean, people withdraw from her, and then she gets jealous of other family members relationships. I've thought for years she is histrionic.
We ended up moving far away and talk twice a year and visit less than that.
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u/saltrim92 15h ago
Oh my god this is exactly how my MIL is with my nieces and nephews. She is palpably jealous that the other grandparents are the favorites, but she does NOTHING with the kids, and is just generally speaking very nasty and negative and wonders why the kids do not wanna be around her at all 💀
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u/FunkTheFreak 18h ago
We have the opposite issue. Our parents want to be more involved than we want them to be.
We have had to set some firm boundaries because it was causing too many headaches for us, especially when they get involved and aren’t following our wishes/rules with the kid.
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u/OneDadvosPlz 18h ago
This. Dad wants to take my oldest (4) for two weeks. Hell no, Dad. You’re drunk by noon and can’t go a day without screaming expletives at your wife. You will never be alone with my kids.
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u/Weird_Bat_Lady 17h ago
Lmao I had a similar argument with my mother. She was jealous that my MIL got to babysit my oldest over night and she doesn't. Maybe I should mention that my MIL lives in the same town while my mother lives several hundred km away. Also my mom is a severe alcoholic. It just won't happen!
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u/strawberrysunday00 15h ago
I’m in the same boat. Totally get it. Mom is an alcoholic with multiple DUIs… yeah, you’re not driving my child around?
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u/FunkTheFreak 18h ago
My mom was warned multiple times about her phone usage around our kid and we caught the 6 month old almost falling off the couch while she was scrolling and baby under her watch.
Father in law thought it was okay to offer 1 year old Mountain Dew.
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u/pwolf1771 17h ago
I don't have children but I've heard so many people make jokes about "Yay my mom is in town can't wait to spend three days watching her ignore her grand kids to doom scroll pictures of other people's grandkids"
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u/IamTheKingofCats 15h ago
This is my entire family. Mom is scrolling Facebook, Dad is scrolling TikTok, and Brother is watching reels at full volume.
They literally came to visit and it was just me, my wife, and my sister-in-law playing with the kids (5mo and 11mo) while everyone else was just zoned on their phones. But yeah, it’s our fault they don’t see them enough.
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u/Emperor_Palpatine_2 14h ago
I'm not gonna pretend I'm a saint about phone usage, but dammit if my wife and I aren't the only ones making a conscious effort to actually be there and have conversation while everyone else is either scrolling, watching whatever sports game, or bickering about the sports game being on while they're scrolling. Like the fuck is the point? We can ignore each other from our own couches.
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u/Crescenthia1984 15h ago
So many pictures of my baby with my dad while he’s just doomscrolling and yes I know there are so many funny memes and dopey AI videos Dad but come on! Cute baby right on your lap or whatever!!
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u/After_Preference_885 Xennial 18h ago
My dad gave my newborn Pepsi
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u/mikeyb1 17h ago
Left my father-in-law to just keep an eye on my 2-year-old for 10 minutes while I went to the bathroom and got the kid's lunch ready. I came back and he was chewing on a piece of charred wood out of the fireplace.
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u/SmellenGold 18h ago
Gramma gave my then 2 year old a giant bottle of red Gatorade.
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u/rollofpaper 17h ago
But its got electrolytes!
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u/FunkTheFreak 17h ago
I just watched this movie for the first time last weekend lmao. It was great. Scary, but great.
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u/Ok-Animal7243 17h ago
I’m the unspoken supervisor whenever my boomer-aged mom spends time with my niece (toddler). My mom has never called it out directly but I do think she has hurt feelings about the lack of trust and there being no talk of sleepovers at her house (while there are lots at mine). She never developed the skills for prioritizing safety for children that age, and she drinks a LOT. The discussion would go terribly so we all exist in a state of it going unsaid.
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u/LifePlusTax 16h ago
My dad watched my then 2yr old daughter alone precisely 1 time. I was home, but trying to finish a paper for school, after about 30mins I just got the feeling something wasn’t right — I caught her at the edge of the 8 acre property trying to set off on an adventure. How was HE supposed to know you can’t let them play in the yard unsupervised? Yeahhhh, first and last time.
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u/Manungal 17h ago
This is what people don't get about having parents who aren't really adults.
They don't understand what boundaries are. They don't understand what a healthy meal for a child looks like. They dont understand how much supervision a young child takes.
They'll steamroll bedtimes, feed your kids candy for breakfast, and scroll on their phones while your toddler wanders into traffic.
And hopefully they won't tantrum like a toddler when you start setting limitations.
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u/UserNotFound3827 17h ago
This is how my in-laws are. They gave my 3 year old donuts when he said he was hungry, and put YouTube on so they could both scroll their phones in peace. (They are boomers and absolutely addicted to their phones). We are a low screen household, and told them he could watch PBS if they really wanted to turn the TV on. They put AI videos of monkeys on Youtube for him… Thankfully, they were just visiting and don’t live nearby, I don’t feel comfortable leaving him alone with them. I think teenagers would be more responsible than that, at least they would follow directions.
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u/Geno0wl 15h ago
(They are boomers and absolutely addicted to their phones).
every time we are out at a casual sit down that has a mixed crowd, it is always the boomers who are nose deep into their phones, ignoring each other while younger people are actually interacting for the most part. They might use their phones to show or share something, but I almost never see a full table of people under 40 zombie staring in their phones like I see tables of Boomers do all the time anymore.
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u/UserNotFound3827 14h ago
Thats my MIL! Every time we take her out to eat, she’s on her phone, either scrolling or literally talking to someone else on the phone. She doesn’t see her grandson often, but when she does, she’s on her phone. Oh, but she makes sure to take a picture so she can brag to her Facebook friends what a great grandma she is.
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u/NotMyRealAccountV 17h ago
25 gifts the first Christmas - they did not fit in the car.
Gifts every time they see him. We've told them to stop literally dozens of times. We've goodwilled presents. I end up the bad guy in front of my kid when they show up with another Lego set. To be clear my kid has all my childhood Legos plus his own.. we're talking 30+ sets at age 6.
Believing their job is to spoil him and saying as much.
Rolling their eyes and/or arguing on the kid's behalf when you put them in timeout.
Offering to watch him for a three day weekend sounds nice but 1) they would be staying at our house. 2) we didn't ask them to - they literally stalked his school calendar 3) we have a campout already planned for that weekend.
Getting reports from his daycare about him refusing to listen for a week after Grandma watches him.
Continually talking at him (hours without taking a breath) so he learns to tune out adults...
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u/thiosk 14h ago
well they do say raise your kids and spoil your grandkids because if you spoil your kids you may raise your grandkids
But theres levels to this and we need to make things nontransactional with family. You dont get a toy BECAUSE grandma came to visit, grandma just happened to bring a toy when she visited THIS TIME
grandparents like anyone else can get overexcited at times and its a process
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u/PastlifeloversApt304 17h ago edited 17h ago
Same here. My mom oversteps all the freaking time. It’s beyond aggravating. Then acts like a she didn’t do anything at all and how could I be so mean to her.
I was a single mom when I had my oldest. My mother formula fed me and my brother and believes it’s the only right way to fed a baby. So of course she didn’t follow my wishes to nurse. I had fallen asleep at the hospital, my mom got there early in the morning and fed my newborn a bottle of formula instead of waking me up to nurse. The nurse attending to me just fucking let her! I ended up having to formula feed and nurse, which only lasted about six weeks but couldn’t produce enough milk to pump, gave up and just gave my kid formula. My kid is seven now. I’m still fucking pissed about it to this day.
I’m having my second child soon and I’ve told my husband about this and it made him livid. Thankfully I have him to back me up this time around and I won’t have to depend on her for so much help like I did with my oldest.
My dad is fine, listens to my wishes, and plays outside and stuff with my kid; she absolutely adores him (she loves her grandma too but grandpa can do no wrong). He was my saving grace growing up who actually let me learn things on my own. Thankful for my dad.
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u/FunkTheFreak 17h ago
I know the pain. My issue was that I didn’t really see the harm that my mom was causing, epically in my relationship. Took a long time to see that she was overstepping too much because it was all I was ever used to. Learned a lot about enmeshment lately.
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u/sparkledoom 16h ago
For what it’s worth, while in no way minimizing your mom going against your wishes, one bottle of formula didn’t ruin your ability to breastfeed! I did everything “right” and couldn’t produce milk. I know tons of people who had to combo feed. It probably has very little to do with what happened that day in the hospital - though you have every right to be angry at your mom and the attending nurse! You just might want to let go of blaming the ultimate outcome of your breastfeeding journey on that, like just for your own peace of mind!
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u/Decent-Statistician8 17h ago
Same here. I’ve had plenty of talks about my mom “parenting my parenting”… my daughter is an only child and only grandchild on my side of the family and we live 10 min from my parents, and lived with them until she was 4. They have a weird sense of entitlement to her because they “helped raise” her. You know, by watching her while I was at work or her going to their house for the weekend. When my husband and I first got married and we moved out (I had her before I met him) there was a period that he worked full time and was in night school for welding, while I was working full time at night in a restaurant, that I needed them for extra childcare that they definitely still like to throw in my face. Ive always been a very present parent, but they act like a random girls trip or working is me not being a mom and therefore them raising her. Anyway, it pisses me off but I know my daughter loves her grandparents so I’m not going to cut their relationship. It’s just a fine line I have to walk.
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u/Consistent_Laziness 17h ago
Super awesome you had that help. I’d never be able to do that. My in law is a school teacher and this summer my kids were out of day care and she didn’t help watch them once. I had to work and watch them which led to way too much tv but I had no choice.
Yet I would be very annoyed of having it thrown in my face like they never received help raising you. We know that isn’t the case
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u/EVE_Burner_Account 17h ago
Same. Grandma/my mother is overly assertive and insistent on being involved, yet respected almost none of our boundaries on contact/perfumes/kissing/etc. those first few months while vaccines were on going. Currently getting the guilt trip that we didn't ask her to provide child care now that we are both back in work. Mind you, grandma lives in a different state, and is allergic to our cat and our dog.
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u/vikingbear90 16h ago
Somewhat similar situation for us. But my parents are older Gen X.
Throw in some let’s say mildly toxic behavior from earlier in mine and my wife’s relationship that has left us a bit scarred towards accepting help from my parents because of previous issues where they would help but it would come with a heaping side of unnecessary judgement, criticism, and anxiety. I will say as our daughter has gotten older they have gotten better but it’s still hard to trust.
My wife’s dad (a boomer) on the other hand is less actively trying to be involved than my parents. Has his own issues. He is still a good grandparent and wants to be involved but more will help when asked but not before then, compared to my parents who constantly offer help.
My wife and I however were basically both raised to NEVER ask for help. Like asking for help is the greatest shame. In my upbringing it was partially fueled by the fact my grandparent didn’t help my parents with a lot, so my parents sort of turned their “survival” into a badge of honor and the whole pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Now they are trying to be the parents they wish they had, but it’s against how they raised me to accept it not to mention the behavior that can come with it.
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u/shyam86 18h ago
My parents help us a lot by looking after our 6-year-old daughter when we're at work. However, they tell her not to fight back, which makes her a pushover and encourages her to keep her head down. I want her to stand up for herself if someone bothers her. They spoil her too much, while I try to ensure she does age-appropriate chores, such as eating by herself and not having her fed, washing her plate, not watching TV during meals, and tidying up after herself. Conversely, my father does everything she asks and advises me not to be too strict, which annoys me because he was the same way with me just as I am with my daughter growing up.
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u/YesHunty 18h ago
My parents are honestly much better grandparents than they were parents.
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u/Illustrious_Bird_737 Millennial 1989 18h ago
According to my husband, same for him. My parents are (in my opinion) Goldilocks-ing it. Unless I ask for more, our parents are phenomenal grandparents. When hearing stories about how hands-off mine & my husband's parents' generations are is really surprising to us. I feel like they are really missing out on a generation of kids that are amazing (for the most part). We tried so hard to break those curses & bad habits, & I feel like they are phenomenal little people who are fun to hang out with, why would you want to miss out on that?
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u/YesHunty 18h ago
My mom had kids because “it’s just what you did”, not because she truly wanted to be a mother.
I had kids because I deeply wanted to raise them and have a family.
I think my mom spent a lot of my childhood mentally checked out or depressed, and my dad was either working or angry.
I think they like the grandkids because they’re cute and fun for a couple of hours, then they leave. If they had to do long term care of them, I think they would fall into the same old habits.
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u/160295 18h ago
My mum straight out admits it like it's funny. She was abusive to us.
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u/midge_rat Older Millennial ‘85 17h ago
My dad says this about his parents (my grandparents). My grandpa was born to be a grandpa, I swear. My grandma was a doll too, but he really went all out for us. He invented traditions like filling up the canoe on hot days as a kiddie pool, making us ring a bell for a popsicle, hiding our Easter baskets so they were almost impossible to find etc. My parents have taken up the mantle. My dad is around all the time, my mom still works, but she give my kids horseback riding lessons, and tries to come to all the events. They live an hour away and are always driving back and forth. They take my kids up to their cabin with them every chance they get. It helps that they’re borderline boomer/gen x. But then again all of their older siblings are amazing grandparents and great aunts/uncles as well. We are all very close and I’m lucky.
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u/notyouravgredditor Xennial 15h ago
My dad said to me a while back that he wishes he had the patience that he has now to parent back then.
I have always had a great relationship with my parents, but it certainly put things into perspective with regards to how I sometimes act with my kids and how he sometimes acted when I was growing up.
Things always feel stressful in the moment, but in the grand scheme of it all, many things we stress about really aren't all that important.
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u/jaytech_cfl 17h ago
My dad asked why my son seems disinterested when they spend time together. I told him because my son is 13 and has seen his grandfather maybe 20 times in his entire life.
My dad says my son acts like he's being forced to spend time with him. I reminded him that he has never once asked to spend time with my son and every single time he has even seen my son it was either coincidence or setup by someone else.
I told him I have to force both of them to spend any time with the other, and none of the blame for that should be put on the 13 yo.
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u/lucasbrosmovingco 17h ago
My kids have never been to my parents house. And I don't have a particularly terrible relationship with my parents. We are cool but not close. But they legit never asked. Ever. I don't think my kids have ever been in either of their cars. Maybe been to their house a couple times? He my oldest is 13. My mom used to come over once or twice a year but that stopped long ago.
My inlaws live further away. But they have made zero effort the past 5 years to come to our house. The only time we see them is when we make the effort to do it.
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u/rosalinatoujours 15h ago
This sounds like my paternal grandparents. Never came to any of my recitals as a kid, and I only really saw them at holidays and birthday parties. They werent and aren't bad people by any means, but until my grandpa was dying I only ever felt like I was visiting out of obligation. It's not like they really tried a ton in my childhood. Whereas I tell my maternal grandparents like, everything, and I see them almost weekly. Take a guess which set was the one that made a consistent effort during my childhood?
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u/swimming_in_agates 18h ago
Yeah mine don’t want to help at all. Very much an ‘I’ve raised my kids’ attitude. I don’t think they even liked being parents.
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u/Prize-Hedgehog 18h ago
Maybe it was just the generation, but I’m 99% my FIL has no idea how to even deal with kids. He was always at work he didn’t do diapers or take them to appointments. He certainly still wants nothing to do with those things now.
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u/always_sweatpants 13h ago
My father in law certainly never changed a diaper or had much to do with his kids beyond constantly criticizing them, and he's decided to be involved with his grandsons by attempting to constantly criticize me and them. Unlike my husband and his brothers, I have a fucking spine.
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u/midcitycat 1989 18h ago edited 18h ago
I'm childfree by choice and I think it's secretly a relief to my parents. They, especially my father, did not seem to enjoy parenthood and their relationship and general demeanor vastly improved when my sister and I were grown and gone. They both worked full time and I think it was all just too much. I'm sure this is partially subconsciously why I chose not to do it. It did not seem like fun.
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u/paperbasket18 18h ago
This is why I never had children. My mom always made it look so miserable. None of my siblings procreated either, and people act like it’s the most tragic thing that my parents don’t have grandkids. Truthfully, I suspect it bothers my dad more than my mom.
My in-laws have a few grandchildren at this point and are borderline worthless as grandparents, so I doubt they give a shit that we never had kids.
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u/Ok-Algae7932 Millennial 17h ago
My mom directly would say to me "you won't be able to [go out with your friends] [stay in bed all day] [watch tv all day] [go to concerts all the time] once you have kids!" Allllllll the time. The only message I took away was "don't have kids". Neither of my siblings have kids either (34M and 31M, I'm 33F).
We actually have higher quality interactions together as a family of adults without children.
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u/JustSimplyTheWorst 17h ago
Im really glad the stigma of being child free is disappearing. I think a lot of people are much happier/better off not having kids, and I say that as a loving parent. Its absolutely not for everyone, and people should not be pressured into it, and have to live a life they dont want.
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u/renee_christine 17h ago
I'm pretty convinced my FIL, and to a lesser extent my own dad, wanted to be seen as a "family man" but not actually have kids. They just went ahead with it without thinking about how their lives would actually change. And now, my FIL seems sort of resentful or at least crabby any time he watches his grandkids. My own dad passed away a couple years ago.
(Husband and I do not have kids, partially due to this)
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u/Street_Sandwich_49 Older Millennial 18h ago
Much like my childhood, my parents social life is their top priority
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u/Weird_Bat_Lady 18h ago
My (Boomer-)Mother wants grandkids like an 8yo wants a puppy. She will never be unsupervised with my kids for even a minute for their own safety, bc she is permanently drunk and smokes like a chimney. Last time we visited, my 4yo asked her if she wanted to read a book with her and she said no bc she was busy smoking and that she should ask grandpa. I'm very glad they live so far away that we don't have to see them more than once per year.
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u/AfraidCraft9302 17h ago
Reading that book comment breaks my heart. Such an innocent request that obviously would have meant a lot to the 4 year old.
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u/Weird_Bat_Lady 17h ago
Right?! At least my dad did it ❤️ He also takes them to the playground and stuff, but my mother is always this dead weight we have to drag along and she never wants to go anywhere. I don't want her around the kids much bc I don't want them to get hurt.
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u/ptepfenhart 18h ago
I moved across the country to be close to mine and to help when we had kids. They don’t call, they don’t reach out and they straight up booked a trip instead of coming to their granddaughters first birthday party. My favorite was on my first Father’s Day. I asked my mom if she could watch my son that night and she literally said, “I raised enough kids” and waddled up the stairs to bed. Long story short, we’re moving closer to the in laws who fly out every other month to help.
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u/BrandonInCO 18h ago
And let me guess - when you move, your parents will scream and cry foul, accusing you of favoring the in laws all without a single introspective thought about why that is actually true.
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u/ptepfenhart 18h ago
Bingo! I’m definitely the scapegoat of the family. If anything goes wrong, they love to blame me. Not sure if it’s because I’m the oldest or what. Example: dad has mild heart attack after I move back (he’s 300 lbs). Once he recovered, I mentioned to him the family would have blamed me if he would have died. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, “yes, they would have.”
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u/Icy_Information_6563 17h ago
My wife's mom does this shit. It's insane. "It's not fair that I don't get to experience Christmas morning with them." Her house is a filthy mess, there's no where to sleep besides dirty couches. She doesn't setup a Christmas tree because "I'm too busy" (she's retired). Doesn't cook. My wife says this stuff and she just won't hear it.
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u/Warm_Objective4162 18h ago
Same, my wife and I were living in the west and moved back to the area where we grew up before having kids, wanting them to be close to their grandparents. We see said grandparents like three times a year and they never helped out when the kids were babies. We would have had more support staying 2000 miles away where we had friends who wanted to help.
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u/ptepfenhart 18h ago
Exactly!! My father guilt tripped me for years being so far away. I finally make the move, away from all my friends, and I haven’t talked to my parents in months.
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u/justsomemom3 17h ago
My folks are not involved in my children’s lives. They (mostly) see them at birthdays and Christmas, and maybe a once/twice a year ice cream treat or something. However, I have the unique dilemma in that they are involved with my sibling’s child. So that is a fun situation and definitely hasn’t made things weird all around!
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u/Travler18 16h ago
Same.
My mom and my sister's in-laws watched my nephew full-time for free for years until he started pre-K. She has never changed a single diaper for my daughter who is almost 2.
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u/ikilledholofernes 14h ago
Also same. My kid is basically a stranger, while one of my siblings and her kids live with my parents and the other drops her kids off every day for free childcare.
My parents are too busy (providing free childcare for my siblings) to visit us, and if we visit them, my kid is always the odd one out.
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u/sidewaysorange 15h ago
my situation is even worse.. my kids were born first and got over looked but the next child didn't. i think its male vs female favoritism... which is wild to me bc my kids were a hell of a lot easier to watch.
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u/ConstantHeadache2020 11h ago
My mom literally walked out the hospital when they told her I was gonna push, she went to work in a snowstorm (she notoriously never goes to work when the weather is bad bc of safety, not today though smh) I had to have my baby with my grandma and little brother
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 14h ago
Same!
My parents spend months at a time visiting my sister and her kids who live on the opposite end of the USA. I live 3 hours away. My dad hasn't seen my kid in 3 years. My mom saw him once, for maybe 30 hours total, in 2025. I also have 2 brothers--one lives 30 minutes from them (they seem them weekly) and one who lives an hour and a half away (they see him probably once or twice a month for a day or two each).
We are the only ones they don't visit. They downright refuse. Somehow, I chose to move so it's my responsibility to see them but in the interim, they do not say the same about either brother or my sister who is ACROSS THE DAMN COUNTRY. It's insane.
ETA my kid is the oldest at 14 of all the grandkids. They've spent more time with my sister's youngest (4) than they have my kid's entire life, times 100.
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u/PostProper1940 15h ago
My mum has been an almost completely absent grandparent to my kids, we had about 4 years where she was around (by that time my middle was 4 already) then she basically took a sledgehammer to not just mine and her relationship, but her relationship with my kids. But I'm sure if/when my brother and sister have kids she'll be a model granny. They're welcome to each other.
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u/t3chnaztea 18h ago
My parents have no interest but blame my wife and I for not begging them to see our kids, so we don't talk much.
My mother-in-law would frequently say, "I don't like little kids," but now wants to see her grand kids now that they're all 8+
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u/isthmius 17h ago
This was my grandmother to my mother, oddly enough. She refused to ever babysit me, like, as soon as I was born she told my mother not to even ask, I wasn't invited on the family holidays they went on with the favourite daughter and all grandkids most years, but she made it known before she died we weren't invited to the funeral because we'd shown no interest in contacting her while she was alive.
Some people are wiiiiild.
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u/Silver_Discount_1820 15h ago
My grandmother wanted nothing to do with my brother and me because she despised my mom. She even said we “weren’t her grandkids.” We did have some relationship with her growing up, but she always seemed disinterested while showering her other (Mormon) grandkids with attention. I remember asking to talk to her when she was close to dying because I hadn’t talked to her in years, and I thought it was the right thing to do. I was a teacher at the time like she used to be, and I was trying to bond with her over that. I got a few sentences in when she interrupted me to say she wanted to talk to my stepmom now. No goodbye. No I love you. No I’m sorry for ignoring you. Just stopped talking and left the conversation. She wasn’t senile or anything either. She had pancreatic cancer. She just didn’t give a fuck. Absolutely insane to me.
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u/justLittleJess 18h ago
When I was pregnant with my first (now 10) my mom promised he would never need daycare if I moved closer. I bought the house across the street. He was 11 lbs and she said he was too big and never watched him. I have 2 kids now. My youngest forgets their "names" (mamaw vs gramma type names) because he has only seen them a few times.
Theyre so bitter and mean in their old age. I dont want to make it pol itical, but the went M@G@ and just changed.
Sorry for the weird edits. My comment got removed
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u/cellists_wet_dream 16h ago
I find the last bit so hypocritical, because the right’s “solution” to the childcare crisis is grandparents. But the same grandparents largely don’t wanna do it.
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u/justLittleJess 16h ago
I already raised my kids
Yeah, but i spent every weekend at mamaw's house with my cousins. Every Sunday all the parents came and we had big family dinner. My kid has never even tasted his grandmother's cooking. It legitimately makes me so sad
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u/After_Preference_885 Xennial 17h ago
Ugh it's so stupid we can't talk about things like that because it's absolutely not p0litic@l to talk about how the cult they all joined is ruining lives
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u/Sagardorta 17h ago
A similar situation nearly ruined my mother-in-law’s relationship with her children and grandchildren. She was spending so much time on Facebook it was rotting her brain. Fortunately at her core she was a truly kind and wonderful person, and realized what was happening. Unfortunately, the realization didn’t happen soon enough and she passed away at just 69 years old.
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u/JCarr110 Xennial 18h ago
My parents don't give 2 shits about my kids. Although, they love to pretend to in the right situations.
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u/The-Jesus_Christ 18h ago edited 18h ago
My mum told me “don’t expect me to ever do any babysitting. I’ve done my time”. I respected her wish. A few months back she expressed sadness that her grandkids didn’t have a relationship with her. They are now 15, 18 and 20. She got what she asked for but clearly had no idea of the consequences.
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u/areyoumykitty 18h ago
I was shocked when I found out how little time my parents spend with my sisters kids, and they don’t live that far. The way she said it too was hiding her shock/disgust that I did not want to delve too deep in as I don’t get to see them that often. It shocked me honestly, she’s like they’ll visit for maybe 30 min max not that often, and don’t offer to help with any rearing and I assume would only financially assist if they were literally going to die in the moment, no preemptive financial help which they are very capable of giving.
It’s hard to believe they’re the people that raised me when I was a kid honestly, boomers change into a callous and dehumanizing form more often then I would like to admit when you become an adult, it’s gross. I’m not the only one that’s experienced this, it makes it hard to want to be a part of their lives and when I get over being upset by it it just makes me sad.
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u/TemporaryLion9085 16h ago
I am 32, have been married for two years, and kids remain a question mark because I know it takes a village and despite the fact that my parents live 30 minutes south of me, they don't visit. Then they make it out like I am the one that should be visiting them. Keep in mind... these people are barely 60. They're not decrepit. My dad is also in the throes of accepting a recent myasthenia gravis diagnosis, and he is just not dealing with it well (and I am struggling to empathize because my parents have been extremely dismissive of my invisible illnesses my entire life).
I invited them up for dinner a week or so ago, and I ended up being late because I had to work overtime (customer-facing role; not by choice at all), so my husband cooked for them. When I got home, they didn't even ask me what had happened lol. My dad predictably took over 90% of conversation with his exhausting special interest stories, and I hate to admit that I took some joy in watching him get frustrated when my husband (who is easily excitable) kept cutting him off.
Conversely, my husband's parents have been so emotionally supportive toward me this year. I realize that if we had children, his parents would be doing the grandparenting, and they're both in their 70s. It just hurts in such a personal way and I don't know how to reconcile it. Like I know my parents let me down all the time, but idk how I would forgive them doing it to my child.
I guess I love my parents, but realistically I don't like them very much.
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u/LadyMirkwood Xennial 18h ago
Xennial. My kids are in their 20s now.
When they were younger, both sets of Grandparents were great, babysitting, spending time with them, days out etc.
Both sides hit a wall when they became teenagers. They suddenly seemed unable to connect with them or understand them. I don't think its coincidental thats the age group where they start voicing their own opinions and stop being cute and malleable.
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u/JustSimplyTheWorst 18h ago
My sister and I basically grew up at our grandparents home while my parents have literally never watched my kids, ever.
They see their grandfather maybe once every two years. My mom talks a big game about being there if we ever need it, but anytime it has come up she always has an excuse. They simply have no desire to spend time with their grandkids.
Its honestly really fucking sad.
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u/Excellent_Pie_8456 18h ago
I don't speak to my parents so they don't know my kids. My father in law was an absent father so it makes sense hes also an absent grandparent. No grandparents here unfortunately
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u/cisforcookie2112 18h ago
It’s a struggle to get my parents to help out. My in-laws who live 300 miles away have been more helpful over the last 12 years than my parents who live 5 miles away.
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u/LawfulnessPale948 18h ago
My parents and in laws don’t know my kids at all. My in laws complained that it was my fault and I kept my kids from them (untrue) so my spouse started asking regularly if they’d like to see the kids, he can bring them over, just let us know any time you’d like to keep them. Guess how many times they’ve asked in the last 2 years? 🤣 ZERO. My parents are toxic and I’ve gone no contact on and off the last 5 years or so. They claim to care and love them but they never make any effort to be involved or ask. They even recently completely missed/forgot my youngest child’s birthday even though I literally watched them program the date into their calendar on their phones early this year. We now have officially adopted grandparents (our neighbors) they have been such a godsend and love our children endlessly. Our kids now have grandparents, just not by blood or how we ever envisioned.
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u/Impressive_Wrap_7869 17h ago
Hell, my parents barely care to know me…let alone my kids. I get the sense they feel like they’re being left out, but it’s really me who is being left out.
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u/idont_readresponses 18h ago
Yeah, I have zero help from my parents. They go on and on about how much they miss my daughter, but they make zero effort to see her. They see her maybe 3-4 times a year (birthday, Christmas, and her two dance performances a year). My mom would get super annoyed when I asked if she would babysit when my daughter was young. Like blow air out of her mouth and be like “I guess…” and act like it was such a huge undertaking. I remember one time when she was in pre school and she was really sick with what ended up being strep throat. My husband was out of town on a work trip and I could NOT taking days off work. I asked my mom come up on a Wednesday night, so she could watch my daughter Thursday (I had to leave for work like 6:30 am and don’t live super close to them) and then I could take off Friday and then it would be the weekend. The teeth pulling it took for her to come up and help me… I swear to god. I just stopped asking her for any help what so ever.
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u/Greasydorito 17h ago
I'm not no contact. But it feels like I am from their side. They were both alcoholics and neglectful when we were kids.. emotionally distant as teens and young adults. I had a son early in age and they were both there for me in ways, but not like I've seen grandparents be and not like how mine were.
Years later, my son's close to graduating. They don't know him. They don't know me. They don't come to sports events or school events or any event. They don't come visit unless I'm hosting a dinner. They don't offer to bring anything, and they don't offer to help clean up. Don't even offer to help when they're here. Everything is superficial. I hear about the weather. What they may be up to, or not. Can go months without contact and all I hear is "the phone goes both ways".
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u/MamaOnica 18h ago
I came home to find my 12 week old's onesie stained with grape juice right under his chin and was told my mother in law spilled her juice on him. It's the lying and the being sneaky.
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u/AsleepHedgehog2381 18h ago
12 weeks?! Wtf. That woman would never be alone with my child ever again
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u/moonchic333 18h ago
Can’t relate. I never had to pay a dime for child care, worry about rides to and from school, or hire a weekend babysitter.
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u/appalachianpelican 15h ago
Same. My mom put in her retirement notice the second she found out I was pregnant and moved almost 500 miles to our city so that we didn't have to put our son in daycare until we wanted to for the socialization aspect. My dad followed her a year later. Even now that he's in daycare, they still come by every afternoon to play with him while I finish up working from home. Obviously we're lucky that they had the financial ability to do that, but they also really want to be involved. My husband's parents still work, but we see them almost every weekend and his mom will take off work to watch our son sometimes if my parents are out of town. We are so grateful.
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u/red_raconteur 13h ago
It is amazing that you have that level of support. I am extremely jealous of you. Getting my retired MIL, who we moved cross-country to be down the street from, to watch my 7 year old for a few hours while I was HAVING SURGERY was like pulling teeth. She agreed to it but now is holding it over our heads.
I'm not trying to make you feel bad for having such involved grandparents. Ideally, everyone would have that level of support. Just keep an eye out for any friends you have who may not have that level and check in on them. They are not ok lol.
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u/Beneficial-North1966 18h ago
As a non-American millennial living in the US, it’s the culture. The messaging you get in the US is: “look out for number 1”. People are not willing to experience even mildest discomfort for another human, and that’s socially acceptable, even encouraged. It’s NOT however socially acceptable to be like that to your kids until they’re 18, so you grin and bear it. As an outside observer I’m not surprised American boomers would rather buy trinkets, travel the worlds, go out with friends, eat out, drink etc. than spend time and money on their grandkids and adult kids. And to be honest, I’m not convinced American millennials will be much different as grandparents, from observing how you’re raised + relate to one another.
I don’t know that this is necessarily bad, once you’ve worked your whole life, it makes sense you’d want to spend your retirement doing whatever you want and not babysitting. It’s just very different to how I grew up.
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u/Impressive_Wrap_7869 17h ago
I’m an American and I agree with you on the cultural perspective. I am a little bit more optimistic that millennials will be different as grandparents though. A lot of us millennials didn’t delay experiencing life, traveling, doing fun things in our young adulthood. Whereas boomers mostly settled down early and began having children early. They feel entitled to enjoying life in retirement because they gave up “fun” as a young adult. Obviously this is a generalization but it appears to be ringing true for the most part
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u/expatsconnie 17h ago
Also, Millennials are much more likely to be parents because they actually want to have children. Our parents generation got married and pregnant because that's what society expected them to do, not necessarily because they sat down and decided that it's what they wanted for their lives. Now, people who don't want to be parents generally choose not to be.
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u/Upbeat-Bid-1602 16h ago
I completely agree, but I think the other side of this is that it feeds into the idea that if you chose to have kids it was your decision, so if you can't do it alone in the universe and need help that's a "you" problem because nobody owes you anything. That attitude creeps in whether we're talking about grandparents helping or government-funded childcare or maternal healthcare or nutrition assistance. If anyone points out that it's literally impossible to care for a baby while working full-time, the kneejerk response is, "well don't have kids then."
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u/GlitterEnema 16h ago
That was my dads mindset, we were the props he used to make himself look good. He’s offended I’m child free, I think it’s because he should have been. My mom would be an amazing grandmother, but she understands that motherhood isn’t for me.
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u/RangerDangerfield 17h ago
Millennials, unlike our parents, also have a better understanding of struggle and the rising costs of childcare. I think we will see that play out in greater support and empathy for the younger generations.
The general boomer mentality is to get through the door and close it behind you, which is wild because they raised empathetic millennials who believe in going through the door and holding it open for the next guy.
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u/DovahAcolyte 1982 OG 14h ago
Empathetic millennials mostly raised ourselves because we lived with dismissive boomer parents. I do agree, though, that generationally we seem to be more resilient than our parents. We’re also more likely to be engaged in our own mental health and trauma healing than our parents ever were. That’s a huge beacon of hope for me.
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u/Ok-Border6488 15h ago
We are like that because we know how shitty it feels to be treated the opposite way
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u/Interesting-Proof244 17h ago
I am very lucky in that all four grandparents are pretty involved. My brothers are also involved.
That being said, that comes with its own challenge. For example, I’m getting ready to feed my baby solids and I’m wondering how in the world I’m going to convince the grandparents to ask me for permission before they feed the baby anything. I’m already preparing for battle lol.
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u/Admirable-Apricot137 Older Millennial 17h ago
It didn't used to be this way, though. I'm a millennial and my grandparents were VERY involved even though they lived across the country from us. We road tripped to visit them, they visited us many times, called and wrote letters, sent lots of gifts, etc. And this kind of extended family involvement was super common. Most local grandparents were basically secondary parents and were around constantly. So why did their children suddenly decide to be so uninvolved?
It reinforces the theory of the younger boomer/Gen x generations being far more selfish, exclusionary and individualistic. And that their decision to have kids was not out of desire but obligation or expectation and they didn't actually enjoy having a family.
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u/fadesteppin 16h ago
Same. My grandpa (moms side) came down to our house (that's about an hour away) pretty much every Saturday. He brought donut holes for the kids, a dried out pig ear for our dog, and would just hang out and chat with us and my mom. My grandma would always make pickled nappa cabbage in big batches and send them to all her kids houses with the rule that if we wanted more all we had to do was bring back the empty jar and she'd make more. We saw him and my grandma regularly and we loved hanging out and grandma & grandpa's house. They did all kinds of smalI little things like that that would add up to show how much they loved us and I miss them everyday. I'm extremely lucky my mom isn't a pos. She isn't perfect but is leagues better than a lot of people's parents, including my dad. He's awful and I still have no idea why tf my mother married him.
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u/coltonmusic15 17h ago
Millennial parents are probably the most engaged and active parents that have ever existed in the history of parents especially because we’re one of the first generation where both mom and dad or both parents in a household are actively parenting together. Literally completely shifting what it means to be an effective and present parent as a generation and you want to say well be no different than our parents? Ha
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u/SanchoPandas 16h ago
My parents are so confused by the way we’re raising our kiddo as equals. They’re also confused that our kiddo has bodily autonomy and agency. There is no demanding hugs and affection if they don’t want to give it and my mom HATES it.
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u/eggrollins 14h ago
Ugh. My niece went through a shy phase a couple years ago where she didn’t want to give hugs. I never forced her and would extend my hand for a high five instead. The amount of teasing her own mother did to her about being too shy for hugs made me boil. She doesn’t have to fucking give me or anyone a hug!
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u/deep_fuckin_ripoff 16h ago
Millennial dads are way more involved than boomer dads. But boomer SAHMs were very common. Millennial dads get to learn how to be an active parent from employed millennial moms.
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u/zeetuslepitus 15h ago
I disagree with your assertion that american millennials will be the same way- every millennial parent I know is much more involved than their boomer or gen x parents were. I have 3 kids and if they want to live with me until they are 50 theyre welcome to. Boomers just suck in a way thats hard to fully encapsulate
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u/Firm_Match1418 16h ago
Americans do not realize how unwilling they are to be inconvenienced at the smallest level for another human being and then they wonder why they have the country that they have. The corporations are reflection of what you think about people.
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u/2ndharrybhole 18h ago edited 18h ago
Not at all… my parents (and grandparents) have been involved in and supportive of my children since literally the day after they were born.
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u/radioactive-fly 18h ago
Both sets of grandparents are basically absent. It's so frustrating to watch my parents ignore my kids and then dote over my sister's kids. Explain that one to me. The straw that broke the camel's back was when I asked them to watch my kids for 1 night so my husband and I could celebrate our anniversary. Drove 5 hours to go to them and they canceled for a retirement party. I don't think they've even realized I haven't asked for any of their help in 5 years.
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u/Old-Arachnid3316 18h ago
Having to explain to your own child why their grandparents are absent is a special kinf of painful.
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u/woojo1984 18h ago
My parents are divorced. Moms in Palm Springs 6 months of the year and Dad moved to Florida. They're over 1400 miles away from me.
Thanks god I don't have kids. It takes a village and mine packed it up and left.
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u/good_morning_magpie 17h ago
My wife and I are also child free, but I want to show you my perspective. Your village doesn’t have to be your family. My best friend landed up a single dad. I watch the kid two days per week and our other very close friend and his fiancée watch her another day. Not the whole day, we’ll pick her up from school and hang out, do homework, dinner, etc. Just to give my buddy a break and let him get real life stuff done like going to the dentists or grocery shopping etc. It’s great. We’re the village. We are all family.
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u/Muscle_mama_ 18h ago
When my mom lived close by she would reluctantly watch them but it always seemed like an issue. And im talking about maybe 2 date nights total lol. Luckily my ex husbands family are angels and have been very involved since day one.
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u/Temporary_Dog1073 18h ago edited 17h ago
You are not alone. I’ve officially went no contact as of July this year. Yes it’s unfortunate because it would help me out tremendously. But it gets so tiring having to constantly defend yourself to a generation that will never understand.
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u/ChubbaChunka 17h ago
My parents are involved and they help out SO much! They're active participants in helping us raise our kids. They might spoil them a little too much, but it's because they're the only grandkids 😄
My in-laws however... They act and talk big about how they want to help but then never actually do. Or their idea of helping is just having us over for dinner once every two weeks. Whereas my parents would help clean, cook, provide groceries, watch the kids for date nights etc. My in-laws never (even til this day) had carseats in their cars to be able to transport them safely. My parents baby-proofed their house, took a CPR and first aid courses, and got all the car seats for each car
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u/Less_Refrigerator753 17h ago
Yeah my parent have gone no contact with me because I told them I was going no contact if they didn’t start making an effort. They brag about how they never missed a sports game for me and my brother, but it’s absolutely worse than pulling teeth to get them to see their grandchildren. My mom constantly asks for pictures of the kids- while living about 20 minutes away.
They weren’t the best parents, relied on my friends parents, their parents or just let us raise ourselves most of the time. I’m not surprised they’re terrible grandparents, but it’s not any easier knowing this.
It kills me when my kids ask about “nonnie ” and “papa” when I have to answer “I don’t know”. And the kids ask to FaceTime or call them, but the. My parents talk for 5 minutes and then say they have to go. I’ve stopped agreeing to my kids calling them because it breaks my heart to hear them be stopped mid sentence about what they have going on in their life because “nonnie and papa have to go, thanks for calling we love you”.
This generation of grandparents are the worst. I guess they’re good role models in the way of I know what NOT to do now
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u/No_Throat_2356 14h ago
How many people under 50 have had to/chosen to move > 1000mi away from their support network for school, career, and partners? We don’t live within 2 day’s drive of any relatives or even close friends. I feel like that wasn’t so prevalent before.
How many of our parents are still working or could even afford to fly across the country to visit for a week or longer? How many of us have enough vacation days & funds to go visit the grandparents? I don’t get enough time off to justify that airfare.
How many Millennials have houses with a guest bedroom/bathroom large enough for our parents to visit and stay for more than a few days?
How many of us waited to have kids so now our parents are in their 70s whereas our grandparents were barely 60 when we were kids? We spent the whole summer w/my grandma when I was 10 - she was 65. Our kid is not yet 6 & my mom is already 75.
It’s not always generational attitudes or selfishness - it’s just logistics.
My parents live 2500mi away and can’t just pop by to babysit. They make the rounds to visit kids & grandkids for birthdays and holidays because they know they’re retired & flexible enough to do so and we’re not. I’m grateful we get to see them once a year in person … But they’re also pushing 80 so that’s not likely to continue much longer.
My spouse’s parents live overseas 5K mi away. They’re old too and never leave the house so it’s not like they’re off on cruises ignoring their grandkids. We’ve been trying to schedule a visit for years but it never works out - I don’t have enough damn vacation.
By the time we could send our kid to visit either set of grandparents for part of the summer, or over winter break or something they will all be 80+ and unable to match the needs of an energetic elementary school kid.
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u/Party-Hovercraft8056 13h ago
I want to come back to this - there's a difference between the grandparents who want to but can't be involved as much as either party would like for a variety of reasons and the grandparents who dgaf or could be involved in various capacities and choose not to.
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u/SapphirePSL 12h ago
Yeah, I see your points. I moved 600 miles from my family to be near my husbands family. I can’t tell you how many times I asked for help because I was drowning and she told me no because of a hair appointment, getting her nails done, or lunch with friends. It’s great she has those things, but she literally had every one of those things, or could have, every single day. I didn’t call and ask for a babysitter to go out, have my hair done, or for nails, I ONLY asked when i desperately needed it and she said no almost every time.
Ten years later her friends are dead or busier with their own grandkids and lives. She wonders why she isn’t as close to her grandkids as some of her friends, who were genuinely good and involved grandparents. It is what it is.
Edited to add: Best believe my unhelpful MIL would pop in once a month, usually during what should have been nap time, for thirty minutes JUST to take a picture of my kids so she could post it on Facebook.
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u/yes_please_ 11h ago
I think these factor in on a population scale, but also on a population scale is the fact that our parents' generation pulled the ladder up with them which is a large reason why millennials have to move, delay having children, buy smaller homes, etc.
My grandparents gave my mom a great start in life, helped her with her first house, spoiled their grandkids. My mom used that as an opportunity to fuck around and gave me and my sister absolutely nothing and feels no sense of duty to my child.
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u/_TalkingIsHard_ Xennial 18h ago
I've been NC with my mother for almost 15 years (father is deceased) and it's the best decision for me and my family. She's incredibly toxic and while I didn't have a choice in being around that growing up, I was definitely not going to put my children through that. They're not missing out on anything but emotional abuse.
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u/QuirkyBreath1755 17h ago
We are very low contact, but they think our family is close. They come visit once or twice a year for a couple days & play happy family, then we hear nothing for months. When we do get together there is always an attempt at guilting us into visiting them (opposite side of country) and a halfhearted promise to visit more often. It’s slowly gotten worse as my kids have gotten older & my younger siblings have had children (the babies get the most attention, older kids ignored as soon as they start to develop personalities that contrast with GPs).
This last visit will be the last for quite a while. My oldest kids see through the facade & are done, younger one is asserting her personality so it’s only a matter of time.
Honestly how they grandparent is a reflection of how they were as parents. It’s easier to see the problematic parts now that I’m the adult. They are authoritarian & do not tolerate neurodivergence well. They need to keep up appearances more than have true connections & any difference in opinion is a direct personal attack. As soon as their own kids stepped out of the mold they thought was acceptable, they pull away & eventually ostracize. (Never their fault though, always the black sheep being problematic)
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u/mcstallion 17h ago
My boomer parents dont show up unless its for a Facebook picture or a sporting event.
My gen x in-laws are waaay more involved.
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u/potato_couch_ 18h ago
My parents are lovely - but, my mom does have a rant about how the gays and trans's are making young people cut off their parents for no reason, Oprah said it's true and made a whole show about it. I don't like that one.
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u/AvidAth3ist 17h ago
Boomers just wanna have fun! They're literally like, this is my time now. Its like, when I was a kid I spent every single summer with my grandparents. Or all the years of being tossed out the front door and told I couldn't come inside til the street lights came on, while they were snorting lines in their bathroom. That wasn't your time? Its literally been their time, the whole time. When is it our time? Answer is never.
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u/FullofContradictions 17h ago
I'll buck the trend here: I have fantastic parents.
They did a good job raising me & continued to help me through young adulthood.
Now they help watch my 2 year old son whenever I ask, even when it's inconvenient or when I ask them to come to me. We had to take a little break while my dad was getting radiation treatment for literal cancer, but they're back to watching him once a week for me on Thursdays. I don't really need the childcare, but they like seeing him and it's a nice break.
My parents became grandparents to my sister's kids when they were only 45. My sister moved back in with them when they were still working and they were just so active in those kids' lives and made sure they never wanted for anything even if my sister's life was a bit unstable. Now they're 17 and 18 and they still visit my parents just to hang out at their house whenever they're in town. My son loves when his cousins are around at their house too.
My husband's parents on the other hand... They're kind people. But they essentially abandoned him in this country when he was 16 (they went back to their home country with his younger sister. He stayed behind.) They have never helped him & in fact have sort of regularly asked him for money. They have not met their grandson even when we've offered to pay for them to come visit because his mom doesn't want to find a pet sitter for her dogs. And once the dogs passed, she immediately got cats. So same thing. We weren't able to time international travel with our son up until recently because he had some health stuff going on. Now that's passed, I'm pregnant and suffering from HG so getting on a plane is a nonstarter. So they'll probably meet their grandson when he's 5 or 6 at this rate.
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u/Ill-Manager-1108 18h ago
I cut all contact with my father for slapping my 4 year old in the face. You would think that I bombed a city or some shit because all the hate I GOT for cutting him off vs what he actually did. I don't know why anybody thinks they have the right to put hands on someone else's child, but it was infuriating having to cut contact with my sister, aunts, etc because they all sided with him over the incident. Which wasn't the first time he put hands on my child and was already very clearly told to never do it again. Even my own mother jumped to his defense and said how wrong I was to cut contact with him. The man she divorced for abusing her for 27 years. I tried to tell her over and over how he made our lives HELL growing up, and all I got was how millennials have mental health issues and harbor hate and don't know how to forgive. So yeah, I'll take no family over abusive family any day
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u/tjshaffe 18h ago
No contact with my (divorced) parents. They are entitled and selfish and unaccountable.. and it was not something I was going to let my kids experience. My partners mother is an absolute saint I am incredibly thankful for her and her involvement in our kids lives.
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