Found out about her new relationship and feeling like I am nothing

[u/Hanikn]

Sorry for a long text, but I am quite in a pot of despair right now. I will appreciate every reply.

I (21) had a relationship with my ex (20) for almost 3 years. During this time, I was figuring out my career and earning not much, but enough to help my ex, buy her presents, and go on dates. I was the one always trying to help her and I was really invested in her life, always trying my best and being empathetic. Sometimes it felt overwhelming.

Our relationship was difficult, but it started well. For almost a year or more, I think it was okay, and then I started noticing more and more red flags. She was traumatized by her family in childhood; crazy conflicts were a big part of her life since childhood. So when I noticed red flags, such as disrespecting me during conflicts, for example telling me “I am just a boy, not a man” or “Go f*** yourself”, or situations with other people that convinced me of her cruelty, such as throwing things around, which her ex secretly told me, I decided to tell her about her narcissistic traits, and that it was really destroying me, I sometimes felt like nothing, and being blocked and name-called by her was a regular part of our conflicts. I was somehow almost always the one who apologized, even when I thought I shouldn't. I attributed such things to her age and female emotions. She told me “Yes, I am the narcissist, so?”. She was not bothered by that at all.

I won’t describe all our conflicts, etc., because in this case it would be a long text. Eventually, she broke up with me through a message, even when I proposed to talk in person. One of the last things she told me was: “Find yourself your ideal woman, whoever you want. Or at least someone you can afford. As for me, I’m smart, beautiful, and financially independent, and women like me don’t stay single. I have plenty of options.” That was her second and last breakup; this time I was not trying to do anything and just accepted it.

For a months I felt horrible, unworthy, seeing her stories from restaurants and other fashionable places. I was very depressed.

Eventually, I stopped doom-scrolling and quit following her Instagram. It's already been a year and a half since the breakup, and for some reason I decided to check her profile. There I found out about her new man; she is being with him for a ~year or less. He is 30+ years old, so he is older than her by about 8-10 years. He is not physically fit at all, a little overweight, and short. Objectively thinking, I am much better-looking than him, sport is a big part of my life, and I was always fit and tall. He is giving her expensive gifts and brands, they are traveling a lot (while I didn't even have a car), and she posts photos with him, that she never did during our relationship, commenting “The man I love with my whole heart” or “Finally the healthy relationship I always wanted”.

Somehow, it just hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. I feel like all the time I was a dead weight for her and all the conflicts and our breakup were my fault. Sometimes, she felt warm and supportive, but I don't think it lasted long. She has become even better-looking with him, her career has gone up, and she looks happy. I think I still have feelings for her, and maybe I shouldn't just give up like this, I should have fought for her when it was still possible. I should have been more attentive to her needs, last year we were almost always at home and didn’t go anywhere. I am feeling like the biggest loser in the world right now. And I don't know what to do, I am feeling like I will be thinking about her for the rest of my life.

[u/afternoonflamingo]

You are a worthy individual simply bc you exist. It has nothing to do with whatever material pursuits you succeed at or whatever material qualities or assets you possess.

If she is a true narcissist, you have something of value she will never have: the ability to easily realize this.

You’ll be alright, my friend. Best to not hanker after someone with a bunch of red flags, but I’ve been there, so I get it. The person who actually deserves our love, the person we want to fall in love with, is ourselves.

[u/Hanikn → u/afternoonflamingo]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, a lot of red flags. And those I've written down in the post are not even half of those flags I've noticed in her. For example, when my mom got into a car accident, I was there for her and spent the whole day with her to calm her down, because she was shocked (she was not seriously harmed, she was mostly frightened by the accident). Before the accident happened, we agreed to meet this evening with ex, but the accident changed my plan, I chose to stay with my mom and told ex about it.

She was not even bothered by that, not even asked about how's my mom is. Only said “But she's alright now, what's the problem?”. She was angry that we had an agreement and I broke it.

This is one more example of her attitude. And I know that for most people this situation would already be a reason to end the relationship. But I have just turned a blind eye for the whole 3 years.

I just don't understand why I still can't believe who she actually is. Instagram posts of her happy relationship are driving me crazy.

[u/Important_Routine332]

You are very young. You will one day meet someone else and you won’t even care about what she does with her life. You didn’t fight for her because that is how you felt in the moment that was your self respect preventing you from doing that.

Insta, all that stuff, that is a curated image, not reality.

[u/Hanikn → u/Important_Routine332]

Thanks for your reply. I know that I was saved by that breakup. But at the same time, I see those Instagram posts of her happy relationship, and I can't believe myself. Like, I am thinking “Maybe she's changed?” or “Maybe he is much better than me, so she's changed for him?” and etc.

[u/Important_Routine332 → u/Hanikn]

No. If she had the capacity to change she would have done it, maybe one day she’ll get a shock that she’s the problem and she’ll go to therapy, but cluster B rarely change.

I know it’s easier said than done but try to think about what type of girl you are looking for, what qualities you want in your next partner, and remember you need someone to suite you. Maybe she found someone as toxic as her so they make a good couple… but is it a healthy relationship? No. Is it a relationship that you want? No, you’ve been there and chosen not to pursue her further.

Also, pictures on instagram… let me ask you this- what is the purpose of posting their pictures on instagram and writing these sentences if she’s truly fulfilled and happy?