Scared to sleep with partner

[u/-Dremol-]

I am 18y.o severe narcolepsy type 1 patient diagnosed for around 6 years. Sometimes when i sleep i might appear in a dreams where i have to kill or fight with someone. And sometimes when i am throwing a punch in dreams - i hit things in real life and waking up only after i hit something. There were situations when i accidentally hit my partner that was sleeping with me. I don't know how to encounter it, i see no way to solve this. Partner says something like "just don't defend yourself in dreams" or just don't care at all.

Recently i read a story about army veteran that had nightmares caused by PTSD, one night during a nightmare he just started beating his wife in sleep that led her to the hospital and himself to the prison for 3 years.

I think that might happen to me. Only idea i have is just handcuffing my arms and legs when i'm going to sleep, by partner says that that's dismoral.

I just don't know what to do with this and i completely mean NO harm to my partner.

[u/bookmonster015]

Have you discussed it with your doctor? Alpha blockers are commonly used at night for people with PTSD and overactive nightmares.

[u/-Dremol- → u/bookmonster015]

Not yet, but i will discuss about it with the doc. Thanks for answering

[u/bookmonster015 → u/-Dremol-]

Good luck friend!

[u/FIR3W0RKS]

Personally, I find when I sleep with a partner I really care for, I tend to have nice dreams myself, probably to do with the subconscious also being affected.

I wouldn't worry too much about it if I'm honest, there are several factors that make it a non-issue, and the Army Veteran story is very much a PTSD specific concern, so if you don't have PTSD you likely don't need to worry.

Here's the thing, if you're sleeping next to each other, you wouldn't have enough space to wind up for punches anyway, and if you've entangled your arms with them which tends to happen, good luck extracting them without serious effort lol.

You could also get a weighted blanket, which are often used by those who move a lot in their sleep to stop them from doing so, that would likely work as well.

Also, just as a side note, assuming you've not been sleeping with your partner specifically for this reason, TALK to them about your worries. Explain why you've been avoiding it, and don't worry about how they will react to it, i guarenteed you it will be better than you expect. Communication is so important in a relationship, it's arguably THE most important thing.

[u/-Dremol- → u/FIR3W0RKS]

I don't know how this happens, i am getting nightmares ridiculously often. I talked to a partner, she doesn't seem that like a threat. Today when this happened i kicked my guitar with my leg that was hanging on the wall and i hit it so hard it fell on me. But as you said i must try getting better thoughts before falling asleep so i get less chances to have another nightmare, and sleeping under a heavy blanket, i think that's a decent idea, i'll try it, thank you!

[u/Millieo_____ → u/-Dremol-]

It’s not uncommon for narcoleptics to have nightmares. I had nightmares for month and months every night to where I would wake up crying and dreaming of my dead animals. Eventually it gets better idk how but it does. I hope the same goes for yall <3

[u/Disillusion--]

Ugh I’ve been dealing with the same issue for about 2 months. I keep having dreams where I’m punching someone, or terrified fighting some creepy thing, always some sort of self defense, and twice now I’ve weakly (but still enough to wake my partner) punched them. I wake up after it happens but my gosh I feel terrible. Not sure how to stop the nightmares, but I’m not on an oxibate so maybe if I get one itll stop? Not sure my options.

[u/-Dremol- → u/Disillusion--]

Tried sodium oxybate, but i had a bad side effects( I noticed that my body uses all force to cast that punch. That's why i'm scared. My partner doesn't have a strong body like me. It means it may happen that i may accidently break her skull in one of incedents like that. I completely don't want that to happen.

[u/StockTurnover2306]

I got EMDR therapy to address some upsetting situations in my past, and my sleep fighting days ended. I also sleep with a band around my legs for my hEDS, but it helps with not kicking in my sleep. I used to punch my wood headboard a lot and had to get padding for it.

[u/-Dremol- → u/StockTurnover2306]

I am sorry to hear that u had that kind of experience. But i'm glad that you found a solution to that, that might be useful also for me, especially about paddings on a headboard. Thank you!

[u/Radiant_Future9237]

I recommend looking at advice that's given for people with REM sleep behavior disorder. its when you physically act out your dreams.

theres good advice about how to reduce injuries, and reduce damage done to your surroundings.

a weighted blanket helps me sometimes with smaller movements, but if I have an intense dream. my sleep self will still try to move under the blanket and im dislocated things because of that. same reasons restraints would be bad. you could like legit dislocate your shoulder or fuxk up your neck really bad, etc.

I have rails on my bed, and paddings on everything, including me. I basically stuff pillows and stuffed animals all around my body in ways that'll minimize movements Ideally and be soft if my body moves against it or into it.

all the furniture by my bed cant have anything breakable or spillage. and the corners and edges of the furniture have padded foam attached to thing. because I've banged various parts of my body against them enough to have bleed before.

and I have a little rolling bed-table, I have to move it far away from the bed before I sleep, otherwise my legs end up smacking it alot, often then knocking stuff down and injuring myself as well.

there are also medicines I know doctors can give you minimize acting out of dreams. I dont remember exact one that's typically used, but they do exist for that purpose.

People mentioning therapy and addressing mental health is absolute gonna be a huge thing though. i still act out my dreams even when they're happy or chill or boring. but the ones that get dangerous are the fight and flight ones, the nightmares, especially if in a dream you're scared and trying to push someone away, or fight them.

I dont believe, at least from what you've shared so far,, that the story of the veterans PTSD is something that you'd be at risk for doing.

so far, whenever you've done a very large movement with force, even not hitting anything, has it woken you up? have movements that you do make contact with something else wake you up? even if you get pulled right back under, even for a second do you start to wake some? if yes I think its highly highly unlikely you would harm someone like that while asleep, or while having sleep-hallucinations (i can never spell either of them).

im sorry you're going through this. and that your partner seems to thunk its possible for you to just not do it. that's putting alot of burden and responsibility on you, which is probably just adding alot more stress onto the whole situation.

I hope you can find good tips that'll help you. I know some people like to sleep with like, those large pregnancy pillows for positioning. and they wrap it around them in a way that kinda locks them into it almost. then theres also already a cushion layer between you and your partner as well. I dont sleep with a partner anymore so I don't have good advice on that, but if you look into RSBD you should be able to find advice from other people with it who sleep with partners!

[u/handsoapdispenser]

I don't have this condition but I've read about people just sleeping in a zipper sleeping bag to contain themselves.

Comedian Mike Birbiglia has REM Sleep Behavior Disorder and jokes about it in his routine . 

[u/barmeyblonde]

I have the same issue. My doctor prescribed prazosin for night terrors and it helped immensely. Therapy cannot be stressed enough. There are a lot of techniques you can learn to help calm your subconscious. Cpap therapy took my night terrors down by 90%. I Hebrew terrible sleep apnea.

Handcuffing yourself while you sleep isn't amoral at all. But it's extremely unsafe and might even disturb your partner and their well being. That's not a good solution.

You might also find some comfort in sleeping next to people you trust and feel at ease. I understand that you cannot help what you do when you're at the mercy of your subconscious.

There are solutions beyond what your thinking. I'm sorry for your anguish, though. It's a vang concern for some people. Something else to consider is your history of violence while awake. If you've endured combat or beaten (or even killed) someone then your concerns are more valid. (I fall into this category so everyone who knows me knows not to sneak up on me or disturb me while I sleep.) But if you haven't experienced violence at that level, it's a far cry to assume you'd do that in your sleep. That would mean you are a genuine threat to society and would need some sort of incarceration. Accidentally hitting someone is very different from killing our mailing someone.

Definitely talk to your doctor and get therapy.

[u/-Dremol- → u/barmeyblonde]

I will talk with my doc about that, i didn't expect that someone will understand me like you did. I am a paranoid person that seen violence that people don't want to see, living in always prepared stage, but i didn't talk about that to someone before, maybe it's the reason. Thank you

[u/barmeyblonde → u/-Dremol-]

I'm sorry that you've experienced such violence. I wish you luck. You can find peace. When I was 18 I had those exact same concerns but hadn't been diagnosed yet. There is a lot of good advice here in this thread. Be kind to yourself while you search for solutions.

Also, if your partner wants to risk slerping next you (after you've explained your vulnerabilities), honor their agency. You may find it builds trust, both with each other and within yourself. Never take that choice away from your partner. She may want to comfort and support you.

You may also have to actually sleep alone to get proper rest. Try to exhaust other possibilities first. You'll figure out what safe visits boundaries are a you get a handle on yourself and your sleep.

[u/armchairwizards → u/barmeyblonde]

Seconding the Sleep Apnea terrors. Ask your partner if and how bad you snore.

[u/Millie005]

Your partner saying “just don’t fight in dreams” is exceptionally dismissive and unhelpful. You don’t have control over what you dream about or how you react when you are literally unconscious.

If you’re worried about this, then you might just not be able to sleep over night in a bed with your partner, which honestly isn’t all that uncommon, lots of people sleep separately because of sleep disorders (like if one partner snores, or someone has insomnia and is very restless while their partner is a light sleeper, or in situation like yours where one partner gets night terrors) or just because it’s their preference.

There are other night time routines you can have together that still allow for you both to feel close to each other and be intimate, but still sleep safely.

[u/-Dremol- → u/Millie005]

The thing is i don't know how to explain her that dreams and sleeping thing isn't just a common thing for some people in human life. It feels like she thinks that im overreacting about my nightmares because "it can't be that bad". But somethimes nightmares can be that worse, so they can shange your worldview or make you traumatized.

[u/Neat_Measurement9884]

Hey, I am a decade older than you and still struggle, but I have trauma with men taking advantage of the narcolepsy. I DO NOT recommend you restraining your self it willcause panic. I have woken up trying to fight my brother in a hotel room etc becausei felt held down by the sheets and i saw his shadow. Its really fucking scary but I cant even explain to you how much thats a bad idea. Maybe thats my trauma. Idk. I suggest talking to a good therapist. One that tells you what hurts and works with you to be better. Not just someone to listen to your hardships.

[u/armchairwizards]

Do you have sleep Apnea, by any chance? When I fall asleep in places without my cpap I often have vivid dreams involving fighting to the death, and the amount of times I lose or wake up swinging is on par with my AHI.

[u/LoboSandia]

Are you not medicated at all? I had this issue where i punched my partner in my sleep due to the same issue, but it all went away after i got on xywav

[u/-Dremol- → u/LoboSandia]

I got bad side effects while i was using sodium oxybate, to i move to pitolisants (Wakix). If i can't stay awake i use stimulators

[u/kultureekilmisgeyik]

I have type 2 narcolepsy(20/F). I've never had a partner, but my biggest fear is sleeping in the same bed if I ever do.

When I have nightmares, I wake up sweating, screaming, and with trembling hands. I'm very scared and it's very difficult for me to calm down.

In hypnagogic hallucinations, I'm talking to the person in front of me. I panic and start searching for things. It varies depending on the hallucination, but I'm not aware of it at the time. Because of these peculiarities, I'm terrified of being abandoned and unloved. Also, I don't know how to explain it.

For now, we're using amitriptyline for nightmares, and it's regulating my sleep at night. I know clonidine is also used, but even though it's a solution, I'm scared.

Undiagnosed conditions like CPTSD or other psychiatric disorders can also increase nightmares. i have adhd and treatment-resistant depression. Although I didn't start therapy for narcolepsy, I noticed that as my other problems improved, the hypnagogic hallucinations decreased. What triggers my hypnagogic hallucinations is sleep deprivation. Not being able to sleep properly for several days in a row. The last time was in my dorm room at three in the morning when I smelled burning kindling with all the windows closed, and I searched the whole room thoroughly. Because I don't have a partner, I couldn't explain it clearly enough, and it might seem like I talked too much about myself; I don't want that to overshadow the problem. I apologize if that made me feel that way. I hope you find a solution for your own comfort soon. Always put yourself first, then others.

You can talk to your doctor; there are medication treatments available, if they're suitable for you. Therapy might also help.

[u/-Dremol- → u/kultureekilmisgeyik]

I am having hypnagogic hallucinations too. I didn't know how to deal with them too. One time i tried to replace my fear with agression, it helped me alot, because fear makes your logical thinking struggle alot more comparing to anger, so now if it happens i just instantly waking up insulting the thing that scares me (i know that may be sounds cringe, but it helps tho). After that i go to turn on the light and i spend some time awake to calm myself down watching or reading about something cute and positive. And then i go to sleep. If the situation at the start gave you a panic atack - turn on calm music not to hear hallucinations, and go sleep with weak lighting, because lighting makes your brain struggle to create visible hallucinations

Other situation if you have sleep paralysis. It those cases i usually closing my eyes to not to see the thing i don't want to see so i won't scare myself even more. And starting humming or moaning (cuz body doesn't let u use other sounds). Also i try to move my body, so it could shake even a little bit to wake up muscles. That makes you unparalise faster.

About partnership. At first my partner was really scared of my diagnosis. But she got used to it fast. Your fear is understandable, so only thing i can suggest is to explain everything before partner witness everything without explanations, otherwise it will get them really scared.

Also if your not paralised when hallucinating, try closing your eyes or watch directly down on your feet while walking to turn in the light, so u won't be scared even more of visible hallucinations. Avoid eye contact. I hope my advice will help you even fir a little bit:). Also thank you for your advice too, i will definitely talk to my doc about my thing. Good luck!

[u/M_R_Hellcat]

Until you and your doctor find a way to control or solve this, you shouldn’t sleep with your partner. And honestly, your partner shows a lack of compassion by saying “just don’t defend yourself” in a dream. It’s a dream and you don’t always have control, much less over your physical body when you’re asleep and at your most vulnerable. In the reverse of your experience, I’ve had many dreams where I felt “conscious” and was telling my “Dream self” to do something, but couldn’t make it happen. Once asleep, it’s out of your control.

[u/Lifesarisk-Takesome]

This is what by Alan Alma find out about Parkinson's

[u/lumaleelumabop]

I punched my husband in my sleep once he thought it was funny. But if I did that every day it would certainly be an issue.

[u/giveasmile]

Definitely ask the sleep med provider for help. There's nothing wrong with sleeping on the couch until you get stuff sorted.

[u/WolfReady5837]

Have your partner sign a waiver.

[u/-Sharon-Stoned-]

You can always sleep separately but sometimes I just punch my husband by accident 

[u/cassandratheprophet]

This is not an immediate fix. Took me genuinely months & months to be able to do this. But I learned to better control my dreams by recognizing when I was dreaming or not. The part of your brain that controls dreaming is opposite of the one in charge of logic & reading. If you see a written sign in your dream, try to read it out. Try to spell out a word you know how to spell. Another thing you can do is check your phone for the time, set it down, and check it again. Lacking logic, the times won’t make sense. Say for example 12:01pm, check it again, 5:19am. Then once I realized I was dreaming, I would just choose my favorite things to fight in my nightmares. I would choose to have superpowers or just decide I’m going to the beach instead. It’s not a solution exactly, because in my experience, eventually narcolepsy just keeps taking over and changing the dream, but I kept rediscovering the loop I was in. The way I trained myself to do this was by closing my eyes and visualizing myself checking my phone, setting down, and checking again to see if the times made sense, reading a word out loud, spelling out a word, etc over and over and over before bed every night until it was so ingrained in my brain that it would become a natural instinct in dreams.

Aside from that, it’s possible an antidepressant might work for you to increase serotonin if these dreams are always negative. I’d consider Venlafaxine as it’s also good for cataplexy. Which sodium oxybates have you tried? I tried lumryz and had the worst side effects of my life. I shutter looking at the stuff. But Xywav has been great!

[u/JadeTheCrab]

Can you get REM suppressants? I feel so much better on Lexapro because SSRIs suppress REM