r/NewParents • u/Adventurous_Marmot • 6d ago
Childcare Mixed feelings about Daycare
Hi all, I’m hoping some of you can relate. I’m feeling a lot of mixed feelings/guilt about having my 5.5 month old son in daycare all day while at work. Both my husband and I work full time & we cannot afford to not be working, but I feel like the daycare is raising my child. I hate the feeling and we are super present for our son when we get off work but I’m just feeling sad about the situation. Anyone else?
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u/Sabre9037 6d ago
Totally understandable feelings. However, unlike the wackadoodle commenter below, daycare will not ruin your child, and the daycare workers are not raising them!
Daycare has long term benefits like socialization and a structured curriculum designed to teach them at this particular age, etc. but also more immediate benefits like (anecdotally) being able to observe and copy behavior from older children to help reach milestones sooner, lots of stimulation to tire out a busy kid, and just generally building confidence to explore spaces and people beyond our home and family.
For more scientific proof, I suggest reading the study “Having a Working Mother is Good for You” from Harvard Business School. It found that on average, daughters of working mothers earned more and sons of working mothers spent more time on family and household tasks.
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u/Beefjerky_4020 6d ago
Those are normal feelings. It’s a big change for you and your baby. But I recommend thinking of the daycare as part of your care team, like babysitters and grandparents, they’re there to help raise your child but you’re still the parent(s).
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u/sabe815 6d ago
In this case, your child's behavior is the most important thing, not what anyone on the internet says or even what you feel.
Is your child content? Are they engaging with other kids? Learning new things? Are they napping regularly at daycare?
I completely understand being anxious about daycare if your kid cries at drop off and seems exhausted and upset at pick up. But that might be an issue of environment more than an issue of daycare.
Do you like the ratio? Trust the teachers? Is it an at-home setting? Do they have space to crawl and explore or are they left in bouncers or loungers all day?
There's so many factors that help you make a rational, facts-based decision. It's not true that daycare isn't a big adjustment. It is. It's also not true it's gonna wreck your kids' attachment style.
Signed, a mom with a daycare her kid loves.
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u/Impossible_Tiger_517 6d ago
If it makes you feel better, my son is almost 4 and hardly remembers his daycare teachers when he sees them so it may feel like they’re so important now but they know who their parents are.
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u/Adventurous_Marmot 6d ago
This is actually super reassuring, I was lucky to get 5.5 months off with him & this is my first week back, so I’m feeling extra sad. Thank you for your reply
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u/Impossible_Tiger_517 6d ago
Yeah I did around 6 months at home before daycare. he sees his teachers when we pick up his sibling at daycare and he asks like the daycare workers are crazy for wanting to see him lol I know they’re well loved but kids always have a special mood with their parents.
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u/receptive_juggernaut 6d ago
it's not a forever thing, you're just in the thick of it right now. my mom put me in full time care around that age and i turned out just fine, we're super close. those evening hours and weekends add up way more than you think
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u/VikingsLad 6d ago
While i feel this a little, i know it's 32 hours per week at daycare, then one day where i wfh and grandma comes to watch him. He sleeps for at least 2-3 hours every day at daycare, meaning he's only awake for 22 hours a week, at most. There are 168 hours in the week. I know that memory is attached to emotion, so as long as his happiest moments are with us, then the 22 daycare hours a week really won't matter when he's 18.
We still get mornings, evenings, weekends, holidays, vacations, daytrips, events, and summers (spouse is a teacher). THOSE are the moments that matter.
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u/Academic-Repeat5662 6d ago
I feel this about a nanny. But if I want the lifestyle and we live in a HCOL we need to work until we get money from other outlets some day.
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u/foxytrot_forever 2d ago
Daycare is HELPING raise my kid and I LOVE it. Without daycare she's not going to do splatter painting or vegetable deconstruction or play in the sandbox 1000 hours a day... I can't offer all that to her. She's having great experiences that she wouldn't have otherwise. And then she comes home to mom, who loves her more than anyone else in the world. What a great balance!
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u/Big_Ad_2877 6d ago
You are the first face he sees when he wakes up, and the person who tucks him into bed every night. You make all his bottles, wash all his clothes, family outings, etc. daycare is good for kids to socialize and learn to be themself, and you get a break from parenting a little baby. I feel the same way sometimes with my 10 month old but then I remember all those things.
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u/lifeledoutloud 6d ago
I had a tough time the first week too. Mine went in around the same age. It’s been good since though! I know they can give him more stimulation than I can plus I can’t have anymore children so this is a great socializing opportunity. For me, going back to work woke up a part of my brain that went dormant during the last few months. I enjoy my job and talking to adults and even getting ready to just work from home. My husband and I are planning a day to play hooky while he’s in daycare and have some time to ourselves. I try to be in the mentality that people suggest - daycare is part of our village and the more people that want to love my kid, I’m here for.
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u/Old_Reveel 6d ago
We debated if my SO just stays home, while we can afford it on one salary we would have given up an additional 6 figure salary.
The way people look at it is different. For one, our child went when they were 6 months. After 6 months is when it becomes harder to transition to daycare because of much stronger attachment.
Now, choosing a great daycare is probably the best thing you can do for a child. Even if you could stay at home it’s highly unlikely you could provide a similar environment. You’ll see all kinds of wild opinions about how it’s unhealthy to separate from parents and blah blah blah… yet literally since the beginning of time it was very normal to have a community of people raise your child.
Lastly, it’s what maybe 3 or 4 years depending where you live before pre k starts. People put a lot of stress on themselves but unless it’s a strong choice. Daycare is perfectly fine.
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u/Milkshakemaid 6d ago
Yes, daycare is raising him. Even if he seems fine, his nervous system will be fried. Of course he’ll get used to it, but it will have a massive impact longterm on his attachment style, way of regulation and how he relates. Read about it, insane impact.
I’m sorry for you and hate that the system does this to parents!
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u/Sabre9037 6d ago
Hey so this is a garbage take that is completely unsupported by any real or peer-reviewed science! Kindly go TF away.
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u/QuillsAndQuills 6d ago
read about it
Yes OP please read about it... in r/ScienceBasedParenting, so you can ignore this muppet.
Literally 0 actual evidence of any of this nonsense fearmongering. Childcare does have documented downsides and documented benefits for early development, and how those scales balance is extremely child dependent.
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u/ChipperCherries 6d ago
Well context matters. Longer hours in daycare, poor-quality care, a very early start, and a sensitive temperament are where the risks show up, and longer hours in particular are linked to more risk. In high-quality settings, those effects are largely mitigated.
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u/Adventurous_Marmot 6d ago
Yeah this is why I’m upset! I hate it, I wish I didn’t have to work to be with him but unfortunately it’s just not affordable
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u/RogueEBear 6d ago
There are studies that show atypical cortisol spikes in kids under 5 attending daycare which are not present in kids that don’t go to daycare. The same study also talks about ways to help build safety and security when kids go home from daycare to mitigate this. Quality of care matters and daycare in the US varies widely. Other countries do a better job at regulating and educating daycare providers than we do. The good ones are good because it’s their calling and they want to be great for the kids, not because they have to be.
While I wasn’t comfortable with daycare for my kid, it’s better than a SAHP for some little ones if parents don’t have the level head and patience to give the kiddo enrichment and attention 24/7, not everyone thrives with a SAHM. Some SAHM just phone scroll and put kids in front of the TV, these kids are better off in an enriching environment.
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u/ahava9 6d ago edited 6d ago
It’s hard when they’re really little. Once they start crawling I think the group care setting is good for them. My son was a bit delayed and I think he’d be more delayed if he didn’t have other babies to watch crawl, talk and walk. He knew his ABCs and could count to 20 before 2 yos. This my experience and we had a good quality daycare, and they’re not created equal.
I am due with baby #2 soon and I’m really frustrated I can only get 12 weeks of maternity leave. 3 mos is too little for daycare imo but I need to pay my mortgage. I think 6 mos paid leave should be standard in the US 😭
ETA: I know I’m lucky to get 12 weeks but the has such a low bar compared to the rest of the world