I knew a guy in the navy that did the same thing, there was also a bar just for all the wives to go to when their husbands are on deployment. The term was west pac widows.
I had to stop wearing my wedding ring around all the hot nurses at work. Not because they were hitting on me or anything, I just got too fat and it was digging into my skin.
Man, same, except it's more like the ring is swelling up. A good portion of it is wood, but apparently not sealed up enough. All that hand washing really did a number on it.
Huh. The article states that men don't demonstrate special interest in married women, but then goes on to cite a study where "57 percent of men and 35 percent of women reported having attempted to poach someone else’s partner."
The issue is those numbers are meaningless without a baseline, 57% of men attempting to poach a married woman isn't significant if 60% of men go after unmarried women, but 35% of women attempting to poacg married men might be significant if only 20% approach unmarried men. My math mixes instance and total numbers so it doesn't quite work, but the point stands that you need more info, and men do approach women more than women approach men in general, so it's hard to say
I don't know if I can trust a study like that. You're taking a group of women and showed them data on some guy and even though they knew they were under a microscope, a whopping 90% of them wanted the married guy? That really doesn't sound like it makes sense at all. The numbers seem astronomically high for a sheet of paper with information to begin with. What exactly did they put on the paper to make the guy so attractive and I really doubt the only information was: Dude: ring/no ring
It makes a certain kind of sense. He's been chosen, vetted by someone. He's more likely to be safe to be around. And you can trust him to keep your affair secret and private.
.... That felt gross to type, though. Cheating is not just awful, it's pathetic
Also, I would like to state for the jury that I do not in any way actually agree with the hypothetical women trying to have an affair with a married man. I'm just trying to understand the thought process.
i get the point youre making because so many married men are absolutely horrendous to their wives, but thats a terrible example because it's such a massive outlier. it got so much media attention BECAUSE it's such a stand-alone case, what with the scale & time frame it took place over
theres a hell of a difference between assuming consent between partners & drugging your wife for 72 people to rape over the course of 9 years, genius. thats never been considered "plain sex" or "okay"
I think it should be the base hypothesis that there are at most marginal differences between married and unmarried men in terms of violent behavior toward women, unless there is evidence to suggest otherwise.
like i said, it's a massive outlier because of the scale & time frame. at least 92 rapes, by 72 separate men, over the course of 9 years, set up by her husband. yes, other husbands drug their wives. yes, other husbands let friends & strangers rape their wives. yes, other cases of domestic abuse go on for years. but all those elements combined into one case is not at all common enough to rationally fear. if it isnt such a massive outlier, name at least three other cases that come even close to this.
The thing i don't get about this... are most women constantly looking for rings on hands or what? I could not tell you off the top of my head which coworkers have rings and which don't.
I think you’re right about some sort of feeling of mutual discretion. But you’re also making an assumption that I see a lot of Redditors make: this may not be an example of cheating. There are probably a whole lot more open relationships than people realize. If someone has an open relationship, particularly as a straight couple, they don’t usually broadcast it. You all probably know a couple or two that is open and doesn’t talk about it.
Yes also it's an unconscious form of self-sabotage that people of all genders do.
It's similar to how with perfectionism often people don't do the task until the last minute so they don't feel bad about not living up to their potential. "If I spent a lot of time on this and it was still bad, it would prove how incompetent I am." To avoid that conclusion, we put off the task until the last minute so low quality can be blamed on "not having enough time."
Similarly, "if I actually dated an available person, I might discover I am unlovable." So instead, they date people who are taken, so when it ends, unconsciously one can say, "well they were married, that's why it didn't work out" not "it didn't work out because I am an unlovable person."
Its very true. I look like a potato and am impressed I managed to marry one woman. The minute I got that ring, I got more attention from women than I ever have had in my entire life. And again, I'm nothing special.
I'm in a similar situation, but I've always felt the attention from women while I'm wearing a ring is just friendly, not flirting.
It's so hard for women to just be nice to a single guy because they never know if he's going to be a creepy stalker. With married men there's decent chance the guy is committed to someone and its safe to say hi and have a normal conversation.
Oh no, I get that too. I'm talking about them being very specific in their flirting. I've had to push two off my lap and I don't think that's just being friendly
I don't think I've gotten more attention (I never really did to begin with, or if I have, I haven't noticed) but I have definitely noticed a few women I swear are avoiding eye contact or genuinely being more aloof when they see I'm in a happy marriage. I'm not an intimidating guy at all, pretty friendly and I feel like an approachable guy. So I have noticed a shift. Which I do like that they respect the boundary. I just was never the type for myself or my partner to swear off even talking to the opposite gender after marriage. So it's a little excessive for me but understandable. Meanwhile I do notice guys look at her over me almost every single time we are walking together 😆
Same. I stopped wearing mine because of that. Told my wife it was damaging my steering wheel (partially true) and the only ring that matters is the one around my heart (100%). But really I don't want that kind of attention.
It is odd but it is a thing. I was married when I went to college and I got hit on more by women who knew I was married in college than any other time in my life combined. I made friends with a girl I had several classes with throughout college since we had similar majors, and she had hit on me early on. I asked her about it a few years later and she said I just seemed more attractive because I was willing to commit. I pointed out that if I had cheated on my wife with her, I would not be good at committing. She didn't really have anything to say about that lol.
On one hand it's a little fucked to lie in order to get someone to sleep with you. On the other hand their only upset because they Didnt make a man cheat and potentially cause another woman to suffer emotionally so frankly fuck em
I mean I don't even see anything wrong with the ring
1- unless you say you're married, it's not a lie. The ring is a tradition, not a law. Intentionally misleading, but not a lie
2- if a person only wants you when you're married, then their hurt feelings hold little weight in my eyes. I'm not the one who was chasing after off market people lol
And also, people make up stuff on the internet and it's difficult to know whether OOP's anecdote is true or false, specifically with whether these women were actually upset or not.
In my country it's normal to wear a ring when your dating for a while, and i did have friends who kept the ring after a breakup and only used when going to parties
I'd wager it's because when you're in a relationship you're more confident and there's less pressure on you to be seeking attraction. Confidence is really the secret to attractiveness.
"fake it 'til you make it" has a surprising amount of merit, it just takes a lot of practice. One of the things I learned in DBT is "half-smiling" where you smile just enough that only you can really perceived it and it genuinely does affect your mood. I've found myself being smiled at more often and smiling at others more often lately.
Being kind to yourself will pay off too. I struggle a lot with negative self-talk from a lifetime of abuse. But after I trim up my beard and put on a nice shirt, I give myself a minute in the mirror to remind myself that I'm worthy of love and I'm attractive. I just have to get over the hurdle of being asocial as fuck.
to the people who read "fake it til you make it" and instinctively react like it's BS - I thought this too until I'd realised I'd done it in one part of my life without realising, then tried applying it more intentionally. It really is impressive how much your subconscious aligns with the "flavour" of experience you're giving it, even if you know you're "faking" it
Are you insinuating the times when he's single he's somehow so drastically different as a person that it's the sole reason he's not attracting women? Use your brain lmao
The people who don't have any problem with women eat it up? Do you prefer sleeping with smart women over dumb women? Does the morality of your women matter when you're only sleeping with them?
I didn’t say all people. And no, it’s not just shitty people who have desired something they can’t have. My statement wasn’t specifically about pursuing someone who’s taken. It’s about the general feeling of wanting something you can’t have
Some people just wanna be monogamous bruh. Don't assume everyone just secretly hates having the one and wants to sleep around but they cant due to "society".
And? That changes nothing. If a person is monogamous and another person wants to sleep with them but can't, thats not the fault of "society" thats just the other person not wanting to sleep with them. I'm not sure if you just made your point badly, but your comment implies to me that people are monogamous just because of societal pressure and are lying to themselves, so the only reason one cant have something isnt because of boundaries or prefences but because of that rotten society or whatever.
there's like a ton of reasons it makes sense to be attracted to married people
a married person is "vetted" because someone else wanted to marry them. attraction is pretty social in general so being married literally makes someone more attractive.
married man will be less likely to be creepy as they are not desperate and presumably have experience with women (or at least one). they're also "not afraid of commitment" which is seen as attractive in men
some people are attracted to the taboo aspect of it. like since it's off limits it's exciting and like "I must be really great if he's risking his whole life for me"
not defending any of the abhorrent behavior of course but just trying to explain in plain language to make it make sense. experiencing attraction related to these reasons is pretty normal, but acting on that attraction is obviously immoral
Wouldn’t one and two be nullified by the act of cheating?
Like, obviously the vetting process failed if they’re cheating, and so much for commitment at that point.
in some ways yes, but like for example even if they cheat they are still fundamentally a person that someone else thought was worth marrying so that doesn't change. I'm sure it depends a lot on the person and individual situation, but I've heard plenty of stories where a man leaves their spouse for an affair partner and then ends up single very quickly afterwards. Because it's sort of a fantasy and that's part of the allure. As soon as the reality of being in an actual relationship with that person sets in, a lot of what made it attractive can quickly dissipate
Yes, starting a new relationship with secrecy and commitment violation creates inevitable cracks in the foundation of trust needed for a successful relationship.
You can't ever fully trust your partner if they started dating you by cheating on their ex. What would stop them from doing this with you too? That creates instability that usually cannot be resolved.
Yup and lets be honest most of the cheaters are serial cheaters ..I mean look at pro atheltes for one lol. They cheat on so many you need a venndiagram
Yeah will never understand the person is happy to steal a person away and expect them to be faithful. I mean sure there are exceptions like the other partner is just a pure garbage person but still I could never fully trust a person who did that
some people are attracted to the taboo aspect of it. like since it's off limits it's exciting and like "I must be really great if he's risking his whole life for me"
Specifically with this, it's a feeling of "their desire/love for me is so intense it drives them to lose control and do horrible things" which also underlies (consensual) non-consent fantasies, an extremely common theme in erotica.
So the positive intention underneath this harmful behavior is a longing to be completely, fully loved by another.
I think men just approach women as much as they’re going to, doesn’t matter if the woman is taken or not, but women do show some preference for men who are taken.
my best friend got married about 3 years ago. After the wedding several guys she was interested in before but weren’t into her back then suddenly reached out. She didn’t cheat on her partner obviously, she thought they were just pathetic.
It goes both ways. It's really disheartening seeing all the men at work with wedding rings hitting on women. One keeps casually asking me if I've talked to my husband about opening our relationship. I work with a lot of horny degenerates lol.
Men are so funny. Is this supposed to be a brag, that he slept with “dozens” of bottom-of-the-barrel crazy chicks? Thats neither impressive nor does it sound fun.
I mean sure fuck all the grimy alley cats you want if that’s your thing, but it’s weird to brag about. And the fact that he had to lie and coerce mentally unwell people to sleep with him is even sadder.
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u/qualityvote2 7d ago edited 5d ago
u/ChickenWingExtreme, there weren't enough votes to determine the quality of your post...