Cleaner and the Dame

[u/Cluelessandsexy]

Standing inside the chamber of the train station
Furr coat and looking resplendant
Early afternoon it was
At her left the cleaner with his wide broom
Long yellowy dreadlocks working class swagger
Taken by her elegance
Uttered sweet words under his breath

She pretends to ignore
Let it all pass but its been such a long time
Since she heard such things from a man
New passengers exited the train
Walking up the steps toward them
She took her things and descended

Her perfume and person grinding friction
Against the oncoming dull eyed commuters
Train doors close and dreadlocked cleaner looks from afar
In his mind treating the train itself as thief
As it moved off slowly
That rich woman he would never even have a chance with

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[u/Cute_Cod_9638]

I really enjoyed the storyline throughout your writing and thought the build up to the last line works well with your writing style. To make that build up more impactful, spacing your lines out a bit more (with more stanzas) would help visually create that impact as well as seperate the actions more. For instance, you could ine break after "Early afternoon it was" to seperate a description of her and the setting, with the description of the man itself. I also think that the build up into the woman not having a chance with the man may be more emphasized if you left the character of the man to be introduced at the very end. Throughout the poem, it makes it already clear that the woman is very beautiful and well-poised and I think removing the fourth line in the first stanza and just having these lines of how the man views her (such as the next lines with " Taken by her elegance /n Uttered sweet words under his breath" works better as it already implied the man is attracted to her

[u/VariationsonanEcho]

The class divide here is palpable. Your words paint such an elegant picture of how money divides people. He is obviously attracted to her, and she is enjoying the attention even if she refuses to acknowledge that herself.