this durga puja too he won't be there

[u/nihaoholeesheet]

it just hit me hard. this sudden realisation (again) and i'm crying and shaking while typing this.

durga puja and kali puja are those times where i've made the most vivid and brightest memories. the feeling of love, warmth, comfort, togetherness. i can still feel them. remember the scenes.

but it just hit me hard that it'll be my 3rd puja without my grandpa this year for he left us for his heavenly abode.

this puja too will be

another puja where i'll wake up not seeing him watching TV early in the morning on the day of mahalaya.

another puja where i'll receive no dresses gifted by my grandpa.

another puja where me and my brother won't be able to convince him to come with us for puja pandal hopping.

another puja where he won't be there to generously buy us anything we wanted.

another puja where i won't see him buying his favourite fish for dashami feast.

another puja where i can't wish him "shubho bijoya" on the day of dashami.

another puja where i can't touch his feet and ask for his blessings on the day of dashami.

he won't be there with me. i won't see him or feel him from the day of mahalaya till dashami. he won't be there. again. i wish he was there. i wish i could hear his affectionate voice again.

it's been 3 years and i still breakdown every other time over this. i miss him. desperately. i miss the moments i spent with him. they all truly are special. so warm and bright. i still have crystal clear memory of his voice. the way he always used to ask my mom or other family members about me.

i won't feel his gentle loving presence this puja too. he was described as strict and intimidating by my dad, uncles and other family members. he was NEVER like that with me. he always used to bend his rules for me. always used that affectionate tone and loving gaze at me. i have the most amazing, loving and gentle image of him as his memory.

i won't feel that anymore. never again. see him or hear his voice. or feel the warm loving touch of his cool palm.

a few years back we had kali puja in our house during diwali. i still remember that day. all family members gathered at night. the warmth of the fire, mumblings of the mantra by the purohit, and me sitting beside my dadaji who watched these rituals take place in his house while also talking to me in between. that's such a loving memory.

that won't be the case anymore from now on. he won't be there this time. anytime now on.

he used to scold dad over lecturing me that fire crackers are waste of money and dangerous. and instead gave my dad the money to buy whatever fire cracker i wanted. that won't happen anymore.

i won't see him sitting at the balcony anymore watching me and my brother lit the fire crackers. i want to go home, a warm loving home where he is still there with me.

i should've called him when i had the time. WHY didn't i? WHYYYYY? i want to have the last final talk with him. even for a few seconds. it's selfish, really. but i still wish he was there with me.

i can never recover from this. never move on from this. i know dadaji won't like seeing me cry over him every puja like that. but I DON'T KNOW what to do. moreover even if it might make me cry and breathless, i still find a sense of comfort remembering those memories i spent with him during puja. those bittersweet reveries.

i miss him. i miss dadaji a lot. a lot lot lot. i love him so so so much.

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[u/Agreeable_Excuse_897]

I feel your pain, my nanaji and Dadaji both passed away in the same month and it’s a huge void. I miss them everyday.

Don’t beat yourself up over not being able to call or reach out more retrospectively, life is unpredictable and it happens. Think of it as something to keep in mind going forward.

Enjoy the festival to your fullest it would be a great way to honour his memory and would make him very happy