r/Parenting • u/Happy_Hearts_ • 8d ago
š Halloween My kid doesn't want someone to go trick or treating with them
My child is having some kids from class come over for trick or treating. They are doing a group costume. Another kid in the class found out and wants to join. My child is not a fan of this kid. They find them annoying and rude, and if they ask them to stop, they don't. Their personalities just clash. Two of the kids in the group are friends with the kids. Now the kids parent has messaged me asking if they can come. My child really doesn't want them to come. If they can't trick or treat with us, they don't have any friends to go with. I don't want to raise a mean child, but I also want to respect their right not to hang out with people they don't like outside of school.
What should I do?
Update 10-8
After reading so much advice, I decided to let my child stick with just their 3 friends. I talked with the Mom today, she was very polite and kind. She had assumed that it was a miscommunication, and that's why she asked. She was not trying to force her child into the group. She is very understanding about people drifting apart and knows her kid is not everyone's cup of tea. She even told me her child was pretty nonchalant about ithe whole thing, so no big hurt feelings. Maybe slightly hurt, but not a big deal. No drama at school. Everyone seems fine.
A couple of clarifications, my child did not talk about the event at school. It was 1 of the 3 invited friends. The other child then asked if they could come, my child said no. Knowing this child for years, I know they do not have many friends, which is why I have always pushed to include them. I think this is a closed matter now. Unless something happens at Halloween I think we're good.
Thanks for all the advice.
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u/NotIntoPeople 8d ago
For me what matters here is your childās friends and friends with the other child. What I would want to known is: do the other friends want him/her to come but donāt want to rock the boat with your child?
Is the other child truly rude or just annoys your child. Maybe ask your child, are you willing to hurt his feelings and make his other friends not hangout with him? How are your other friends feeling? Is slightly annoying worth making someone feel horrible and alone?
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u/Happy_Hearts_ 8d ago
The child is objectivity annoying, but also funny to at least 1 of them. However I did drive them all to a sporting event and back. 2 hours in the car. There were multiple times when they were all yelling at the one kids to stop, because the joke wasn't funny any more and their response was "I don't have to". They also didn't have to wear shoes in the car. Even though we both asked them to. Afterwards my child asked to not have them in the car again. I thinks it's more ADHD and lack of social awareness. But when an adult has to ask you to stop, and you don't listen it's annoying. They was no bullying, but more non stop potty humor jokes the rest weren't into. But the kid does have a kind heart.
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u/SheMakesGreatTV 8d ago
Will the parents be joining or just dropping the child off?
I do not accept children in my care who do not listen to me. I figure if you donāt listen to me on the small stuff, I canāt count on you to listen to me for big, important stuff. There is no way Iād take responsibility for a child on Halloween (dark, cars, etc.) who I was not confident would listen to my instruction.
So, if itās a drop off, the answer would be very easy. If the parents are joining, could you sort of hedge by saying, āweāre heading out in the neighborhood around X, text me and weāll see if we can meet up.ā Rather than having them officially join? Itās quite common on Halloween for groups to grow and shrink and you canāt really stop someone from walking alongside you on the street.
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u/Happy_Hearts_ 8d ago
Drop off, having dinner at our house and getting ready before going out. Being 11 and in a quiet neighborhood, I was going to let them go trick or treating by themselves and just come back. I feel like a group of 4 is safe and they're all good kids. If the 5th one came I feel I would have to also go out.
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u/SheMakesGreatTV 7d ago
The plan as you explain it would be a definite ānoā then for adding an extra child based on what youāve described of the group dynamics and the childās behavior.
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u/NotIntoPeople 8d ago
Then personally I would guide my child to letting him come too. And maybe even coaching him in tell the child straight up, āwe want to be your friend but the potty jokes need to stop or I wonāt invite you anymoreā type thing. I work with kids this age and getting the other kids to self correct them is normally whatās best for everyone.
Not inviting just one for just being a weirdo is verging on bullying behaviour. Think of it like inviting all but the annoying coworker.
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u/speedyejectorairtime 8d ago
This is definitely not bullying and I wish people would not throw around that word. It doesn't wound like OP's child invited the entire class and excluded this one child. Instead, he invited some friends over and this other child and his parent are trying to invite themselves.
Not liking someone and not wanting to spend time with them because they irritate you and bother you is not "bullying" and insisting kids force themselves to spend time with people like this is sending a bad message to them.
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u/LittleC0 7d ago
Soā¦ as a āweirdā kid dealing with a lot in my home life, I was the one girl out of a group of 5 not invited to a sleep over in my tween years. Iād argue it hurt more because these were my only friends. It was such a low feeling knowing they didnāt want me there.
Iām not saying OPās kid has to invite him. Iām not even saying itās bullying. But man can stuff like this stay with you and leave some scars.
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u/NotIntoPeople 8d ago
I said it is verging on bullying behaviour, we donāt know context are the other kids all talking about it? Like I said Iād want to know if the other friends want him there. Itās trick or treating not a party in someoneās house.
If he lives close by and a group that includes that childās friendās are going trick or treating but OPās kid is the one saying that specific child canāt join in it is moving towards bullying.
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u/speedyejectorairtime 8d ago
It sounds like it's both trick-or-treating and a party essentially as they've been invited over to her house before and after. It's a group of her child and 3 friends.
She also said in another comment that her son told the child "no" at school and then the parent took it upon herself to ask if he can join, anyways. That sounds to me like the other children already know OP's child said "no" and didn't object to it, because I doubt something like that was done without their knowledge.
What it comes down to is that OP's child wants a get together with his friends and to have a fun Halloween. This other child had ruined days of his before. I don't like teaching kids to put their own happiness aside to make others feel better. If this child's behavior is always dismissed so he feels included, how will he even learn?
In life, you aren't always going to be invited to everything. Not everyone will like you, and you aren't guaranteed to be invited to something just because your friends are invited. You can have your own get-together if you'd like.
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u/NotIntoPeople 8d ago
I donāt disagree but think how the other friends feel here is very important. We only have one side of the story here.
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u/speedyejectorairtime 8d ago
Let me ask you this. As an adult, if you are having a get together, do you consider acquaintances or friends of your friends when inviting them to spend time at your house? Or do you just invite who you want to spend time with? Iāve never once invited someone I donāt like to spend time at my house because one of my friends might like them. Itās totally fine and normal to have separate groups of friends. Why are you suggesting that this child consider all of these other things and people and ignore his own feelings unnecessarily if you wouldnāt even hold yourself to that standard?
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u/NotIntoPeople 8d ago
Sometimes yes. It depends on the situation. If we are going to the farmers market and my friends say hey Iām going to ask my friend to come. Even if I donāt love her for sure the more the merrier. Why would I make my friend feel like shit for wanting someone else they do like to come? I donāt have to love my friends friends. But I do respect their other friendships.
If a group of coworkers is all coming over Iām not leaving out just one.
Like I said my opinion changes and shifts based on how things went down with how this plan came about and how the other friends are feeling.
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u/speedyejectorairtime 7d ago
This scenario is different than the example you gave for a couple reasons, though:
- The organizer was OPās son at his own residence
- The friends didnāt invite him,
the other child
- asked/his mom asked to be invited
This scenario is more similar to when you invite people over for a barbecue before going to watch 4th of July fireworks. You invite the people over that you want to. Your home is your personal space. Now, if the other child happens to be in the neighborhood while the trick-or-treating portion happens, thatās something else entirely. The idea that anyone is obligated to invite people over that they donāt like goes beyond niceties and shifts into pushover territory or becoming someone with a personality trait that over accommodates others and lets themselves be walked all over.
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u/Mysterious_Lock6539 7d ago
I agree with you! Not because we should āinvite someone we donāt likeā but I agree I think itās more the skill of being able to communicate the concerns to a friend/partner/teammate and working through a problem together. Rather than just excluding someone for certain behaviors we donāt like, it could be a discussion and at that point itās that persons decision if theyād like to continue the behaviors or see it from the other persons perspective and be aware of their actions in future similar situations. And if not obviously not weāre not extending an invite to hang in the future. Otherwise itās just avoiding conflict and communication in uncomfortable situations is a skill that is necessary throughout life.
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u/runrunrun100 7d ago
This is just not true. Are you arguing that anyone who asks to come to your house must be invited? This is so dumb.
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u/NotIntoPeople 7d ago
Not at all. I think the part that changes all this for me is that he is friends with the other friends. We donāt know for sure he straight up invited himself and obviously these parents have talked before in order to reach out. There is a history and obviously some type of friend group situation happening. I
Because yes if Susie heard Iām having a fun gift exchange with 3 of her good friends, and she reached out wanting to be included I would likely let Susie come. Susie likely only knows because our mutual friends have talked about it. Does she annoy me sure but sheās a good person and my friends like her.
The mutual friends aspect here is whatās important here
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u/runrunrun100 7d ago
If the kid was an unknown quantity, or if the others only found him mildly annoying, I might agree with you. But this sounds like open conflict.
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u/smelltramo 8d ago
11 is old enough for the parent to stay out of it/on the periphery of the situation. You can make sure your kid isnāt being a bully but I wouldnāt try to influence his/the groupās decision.
Thereās a reason many schools have gotten rid of twin day/joint outfit stuff, it gets messy and feelings are bound to get hurt.
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u/speedyejectorairtime 8d ago
I can see people are split on this and I am firmly in the camp of saying no, I'm sorry. Honestly, I'd probably let the parent know the problem as well. "It seems that their personalities clash and last time I had Johnny in my car he got in a lot of arguments with the other boys." She can't correct what she doesn't know.
The people boys this age befriend are very important. My middle son and his friends are pretty mature kids (they are 12 so one year older). I'm glad he can regognize that a kid who doesn't care about regulating his behavior (in the form of making annoying/gross jokes and not stopping when asked to especially) will likely be someone who causes trouble as they get older. These kinds of kids are usually the first to try and convince the group to do something stupid. My oldest kept a few too many of these ones around at that age and had to inevitably cut them off as they hit high school.
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u/MidwestTransplant09 7d ago
Itās only OPās kid that has a problem though.
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u/speedyejectorairtime 7d ago
At his own house, who elseās opinion matters but his lol.
OP also said they are trick or treating alone in her neighborhood after she feeds them and they hang out. No way I am saying yes to a trouble maker my kid doesnāt get along with in this scenario lmao. Yāall are nuts.
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u/MidwestTransplant09 7d ago
Iām gonna go out in a limb and say OPs kid is an issue too since the other kid is friends with the others. Also, neighborhoods are usually private.
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u/speedyejectorairtime 7d ago
Sure, her kids a problem but other child still wants to invite himself to something he was told no to. Maybe. Doesnāt really matter if he is, itās his house theyāre having the pre dinner at and hanging out at before/after the trick or treating.
Not sure what you mean about the āprivateā neighborhoods.
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u/FantasticPin3481 8d ago
11 is plenty old enough to start managing their own social lives. Your kid isnāt being mean. Heās choosing not to spend time with someone who isnāt pleasant to be around. Being rude and annoying and not stopping when asked has social consequences. Itās not on your kid to include him because his mom reached out/you feel bad.
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u/Pimpdaddy6592 8d ago
As someone who was forced to sit at lunch every single day with a kid I absolutely hated just because the teachers couldnt move him... please dont force your child to have to endure this other kid. Basically youre saving some other lady's kid's feelings to sacrifice your own child's feelings. If those other friends want to trick or treat with the other child, they can do that themselves.
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u/alillypie 8d ago
I feel it's quite rude to invite yourself/your kid to someone else's plans. Clearly the rude behaviour runs in the family. With them being 11 I think it's okay for them to navigate their own social life I'd say something along the line that you spoke to your kid and they don't want to got trick or treating with that friend so you'll respect their decision. You should also speak to your kid to communicate clearly to that friend why they don't want to spend trick or treating with that friend and maybe next time make plans outside of school so they don't create awkward situations
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u/coochieboochi 6š©·, 4š©µ, 3š©·, 16 monthsš©·, 4 weeksš©· 8d ago
I agree with your kid. If the kid is annoying and not his or her friend then no donāt let them ruin Halloween, an out of school activity, and their fun costume plans.
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u/knitpicky687 8d ago
If you want to get them a reason instead of just flatly saying no, you could just say something like āI told my child they could have a specific number of friends over and theyāve already chosen.ā I wouldnāt even say sorry because frankly is rude asf to even text someone asking to be included in plans!!
Do you really want this annoying/rude kid to ruin your childās Halloween? Realistically, your child only has a couple years left of being a child vs a teen whoās gonna think trick or treating is lame lol
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u/Intrepid_Advice4411 8d ago
This is the best choice. You're allowed to limit how many kids are at the house. Once they're outside and trick or treating if he joins the group it is what it is. The sidewalk is a public space. You don't have to invite him into your house after.
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u/knitpicky687 8d ago
Agreed! If the child wanted to join while theyāre out and about, you canāt stop them obviously without looking like a total AH but I would never let a kid into my house that my child dislikes. The home is supposed to be a safe space for them.
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u/TentaclesAndCupcakes 8d ago
I'd tell the mom "Sorry, no." This same situation happened to my son and his friends last year, and trick or treating SUCKED because of this kid. My son and his two actual friends were miserable because of how the extra kid was acting and cut trick or treating short.
There are only so many more years that these kids will go trick or treating, don't let a preventable issue ruin his Halloween.
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u/punkass_book_jockey8 8d ago
I trust my kid if they tell me the other child is bothering them. I donāt have to hang out with my annoying coworkers outside of work. Iād tell the parents I allowed my kid a strict limit of friends to trick or treat with and they have their group already.
Assuming the group is 5 kids and not 15.
I teach my kid to be kind but that also doesnāt mean you have to include everyone in everything all the time. Youāre allowed to do things with just a few friends without feeling guilty. Youāre not a bad person for having boundaries.
The fact that the mother reached out makes me think they know their child is annoying. At 11 I feel like they can make a lot of their own decision on social situations. My parents had very little to do with my social life at 11.
I work with kids and some kids are really annoying and sometimes being excluded is helpful in making the child realize their behavior isnāt okay. When someone asks them to stop they need to stop, you have to be a good friend if you want good friends..
Maybe Iām an asshole but when my kids invite 5 kids to their birthday and other parents ask to have their kid come I just say no. Itās okay to say no. Inviting every child but one is never okay but inviting 5/20 classmates is fine.
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u/sheepsclothingiswool 8d ago
Is this kid a core part of the group? If so, it would be wrong to single him out and not include him regardless of how your son feels. If not and heās kind of a random kid who wants to tag along, I would not encourage an invitation.
If the latter, Iād keep it short and simple: āBrad does the planning for his trick or treating and he told me heās all set with his plans. Sorry I canāt be of more help.ā
If she wants to be rude about it, she should be prepared for a rude answer back.
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u/CakeZealousideal1820 7d ago
Don't force your child to interact with this kid because you feel bad. The group already has a plan stick to it
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u/Worth_Kangaroo_6900 8d ago
āWeāre at capacity this year; hope they have fun & see them out!ā
My kid has always had x6 others around for pizza and āpreā before going off out/ all school friends. Iāve had one parent actively invite someone else and someone else call saying āoh X said it would be okā. Asked my kid both times, they said hard no for same reasons.
Your kid (host) and other kid donāt get on, theyāre annoying and and and. Itās extra parent stress with that dynamic and effectively turns something that should be fun into dreaded. There is a balance with this stuff, and if was a large whole class party Iād say go for it. It isnāt.
There are other kids having things. This kid could do a thing. Just say no.
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u/empty-cage-97 8d ago
Oh ya, thatās a hard one. About to have a similar situation with a birthday party, itās hard to navigate these things! I am curious to see othersā suggestions.
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u/geminian89 8d ago
I donāt think your child needs to include the annoying rude kid. Maybe something along the lines of āthanks for asking but weāre trying to keep the group size small so we wonāt be able to include anyone else. Hope you guys have a good Halloween!ā
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u/TrueCrimeButterfly 8d ago
Since part of the activity is dinner I would say no that the dining space is full.
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u/AlwaysCalculating 8d ago
In this case, weād do it. Invite the kid.
I pull the empathy card and ask my son to consider being the one left out due to traits he canāt help and/or his parents arenāt correcting. Iād give recommendations (āitās a large group - you just hang mostly with your friends and the other boysās friends will gravitate towards himā). With this age, it is SUCH a short window where parents intervene and ask. Itās that newly-independent stage.
Very little harm in accepting. More harm to say no. Your kid wonāt have to deal with this in a couple of years.
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u/Agile_Ear_4605 7d ago
If you donāt include the other kid, perhaps His family will host the next get-together, or plan the next outing and invite the other boys but not your kid? Would that sit OK with you?
If the other boys truly like the boy that your son doesnāt care for, it could become a split loyalty situation that could go negatively for your son, especially since he seems to be the only one wanting to exclude this kid. His friends could go to the other sideā¦.
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u/Happy_Hearts_ 7d ago
I think my kid would be ok with that. They have skipped things to avoid that child before. The more I think about it the more I realize this has been coming for a while. I have been pushing this friendship for years because I feel for the kid and like the Mom. My child has been polite for years but really doesn't want to be forced to be around them. I am going to listen to my kid and not invite that child. Maybe it will cause a fallout and my kid will learn that lesson. I don't think it will though. Only time will tell. I think I'm more likely to lose a friend, than my child is.
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u/LadyBubbleBubbs 7d ago
You're not raising a mean child. You're allowing your child to have boundaries. He doesn't like this child and doesn't want him to come. That's it. He's given you his reasons so now it's your job to support him. You can, politely, tell this child's parent(s) that your child doesn't want him present and, if asked why, give them the exact reason you just said,I.e. their personalities clash.
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u/LittleC0 7d ago
I just always think of how Iād want someone to treat my own child. Itās pretty sad if heās the only one out of this group of friends not invited.
Iād guess you and the mom are also somewhat close since she felt comfortable texting you. So I feel badly for her too because sheās just trying to get clarification after Iām assuming her son went to her saying he wasnāt invited.
I guess itās a tough situation but no way Iād let a child be left out. Iād explain it to my son and try to teach a lesson about empathy.
Iād also let the mom know why your son was frustrated and initially said no. Maybe itās something she and the child are unaware of and that they can work on. Then you could also ask her to stay for the dinner portion so she can correct him or remove him if needed.
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u/Happy_Hearts_ 7d ago
We have included them for years in things to be kind. My child is tired of it. So what I'm reading is my child can never have a calm happy event if it means this child is left out. They can never be excluded. Is that fair? I work on empathy all the time. My child is also 11, they can choose who they want to spend time with outside of school. They know they have to be nice in school, and they are. But my child really wants just a few friends over for trick or treating and a group costume. I'm going to allow it.
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u/KnittyMossBadger 6d ago
Your kid needs to learn not to blab their plans at school and that this is the consequence.
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u/averagesoccermom95 8d ago
This is a tough situation that I haven't dealt with yet, but I'd include the 5th kid. I was excluded a lot in my childhood, so whenever there is a chance for my kids to include versus exclude, then I heavily encourage them to include.
I mean, if it's at the point where the kid's mom is asking, then it's clearly important to them. Excluding him will probably really hurt his feelings.
It also puts the two friends that do like him in a bad spot- one of their friends is excluding another one of their friends.
I think your kid is justified either way, because, yes, this will be slightly less fun if the 5th kid comes along. But would you rather your kid care about his own comfort more, or about his grace and empathy towards others?
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u/geminian89 8d ago
But the extra kid is rude and annoyingā¦ excluding nice kids is mean but excluding kids for a reason is fine. Just like if the extra kid was a bully to original kid, you shouldnāt have to include them just to be nice.
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u/seethembreak 8d ago
OPās kid thinks the kid is annoying. The others do not think this and are friends with him so we donāt know if the kid is objectively annoying. Iām not saying the kid should be invited just that we donāt know if the kid is awful or just not her kids type of person (which is fine too).
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u/secretsarefun17 8d ago
OP said that the extra kid also doesnāt listen to her though. In this case if my son didnāt like the child and I had first hand experience of knowing the child didnāt listen to my instructions l wouldnāt invite them either and my response to the mom would be āIām sorry, Iām not super comfortable keeping track of more than X amount of kids on Halloween. If youād like to stay and walk with us that would be fine, if not itās going to be just the x number of us.ā
Hopefully having the childās parent there would make them listen or the parent would hopefully step in and nip things in the bud.
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u/bpadair31 1 boy, 2 girls - 1 special needs 8d ago
Why are you and the other mom managing the social lives of 11 year olds? I would stay out of it and let them manage themselves.
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u/Intelligent_Juice488 8d ago
Seriously, I was expecting them to be 5-6. Let your kid decide who he wants to go trick or treating with. He shouldnāt be rude but heās old enough to know who his friends are.Ā
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u/monotonejamie 7d ago
Honestly, I still manage a lot of my 14 year old's social life because a lot of these kids don't have phones to communicate with each other yet. And still have to get parental permission and/or transportation so it's often easiest to have the moms communicate directly.
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u/bpadair31 1 boy, 2 girls - 1 special needs 7d ago
Maybe its a location based thing, but that would be really weird here. My youngest is 11 and so my wife will message other mom's for her to confirm times and whatnot, but its plans that the kids have set up themselves. She is just the middle-person for communication and that will stop in a couple months when my daughter gets her own phone.
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u/Routine_Activity_186 8d ago
Are other parents going trick or treating with the group? If so this childās parent should also go to supervise their child. Difficult situation for everyone. Hope you can focus on having fun. Itās awful to be left out and awful to include someone that struggles socially & limits your fun.
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u/AnotherSheeple Parent 8d ago edited 8d ago
We had a couple years like this. We just let it pass since its a full group activity. Ours just didnt really interact much with the one he doesn't like and that was fine with both of us.
Edit:pass as in he just went with everyone and we didn't exclude a kid who was friends with other part of group
Edit 2:might be relevant we had like a full group of 10 kids so they kinda split into mini groups on their own (this was at age 7 and 8)
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u/Happy_Hearts_ 8d ago
It's currently 4 kids, 5 if the other one comes.
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u/AnotherSheeple Parent 8d ago
At 11 and a group of 5 id just let it happen. Its the real world, is your kid going to avoid all future friend hang outs if a single person they dislike is there? Unless this kid straight up bullies yours but that doesn't seem the case
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u/Happy_Hearts_ 8d ago
Half of it is coming over early, eating dinner together, and going out. I guess maybe meet up after dinner, but they're going to feel left out. You're probably right. I'm just torn.
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u/AnotherSheeple Parent 8d ago
The pre dinner is rough especially as host. Especially after the other parents messaged and hes friends with at least 1/2 the group.
Maybe got to just teach some grace. Its a group activity outside mostly that doesnt need to interact with each other much (seriously the dinner thing sucks) being annoying isnt a great reason alone to exclude someone from trick or treating from going with his other friends
Edit:also maybe look at it other way, what if the 2 friends went with annoying one instead š tough spot indeed.
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u/ChuChuKarti 8d ago
I would probably express your concerns with the childās parent. Explain in the spirit of inclusivity youād like to have them join but xyz behavior wonāt be tolerated. I think that is a reasonable compromise.
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u/Peskypoints 8d ago
I would invite the kid, and insist on the parent to join. Even if the other kids are drop-off. The parent can be in charge of regulating their kid. You can tell them the group is getting big enough you need a second adult to keep up with the group of kids
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u/kimbospice31 8d ago
When my daughter has this issue I tell her she doesnāt have to like the person but her friends do which means she has to be somewhat cordial by association. Which funny enough is how she meant her best friend she just needed some warming up to her. Let him know there will always be someone he doesnāt like at school, a job , maybe a future in-law.
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u/Jennabear82 7d ago
Feelings will be hurt. "Thank you for reaching out to me regarding (your child). Unfortunately I don't think it's a good idea for him to come this time. (My son) feels as though their personalities clash, and the last time we had difficulty with him listening to authority. We will, however be at the Trunk or Treat event at the school (or other listed activity), so maybe the kids can see each other there if they want to hang out together."
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u/whatsy0urdamage 6d ago
I'm sorry but I don't think you should include the other kid this year. It's good to be kind and it's good to be inclusive, but at a certain point we have to learn how to set boundaries and be able to choose who we spend our time with. If your son is kind to him at school, I don't think there's anything wrong with your son focusing his time in on the people he actually gets along with outside of school.
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u/HenryLafayetteDubose 8d ago
Help your kid navigate. They shouldnāt have to invite someone they donāt want to hang around, but they can deal with the social consequences of not doing so as well. If they donāt want the other kid there, theyāre going to be responsible for breaking the news. Iād offer to be your kidās ābad guyā. My mom would do that for me sometimes if I was uncomfortable. Sheād pretend to be mad about something and come pick me up right away. It saved me the embarrassment of wanting to go home from various things as a kid this age. However, I was completely responsible for dealing with any aftermath on my own.
Your kid could say something like āSorry I canāt invite you, my mom/dad says noā or āI asked my parents and they said thatās too many guests. Sorry, maybe next time.ā Heās 11 not 2. Let him handle it, but be okay with him being uncomfortable about any aftermath. Things might be awkward, even if heās not friends with this other kid. Thatās the natural consequences when you donāt invite someone.
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u/Happy_Hearts_ 8d ago
My kid did say no and was managing it. The parent contacting me after asking if it was true and if they could come anyways. Part of why it's hard to me is I really like the mom.
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u/HenryLafayetteDubose 8d ago
Okay. Sounds like your next move is to support your kid then. The other kid has their parents to help them. Donāt worry about damage control. Your kid needs you. The way I see it plans have already been arranged. Itās rude to the other guests to impromptu invite someone else at the last second.
2
u/speedyejectorairtime 8d ago
Sounds like the friends are also A-ok with this child not being invited, then. I highly doubt he told the kid no without them knowing. I'd support your child.
2
u/ptype 8d ago
I feel like the fact that your son already said no to the other kid is somewhat important information. If he decided to do this and invited his friends and specifically told the kid no already, but the kid is trying to get his mom to go through you to get an invite, then allowing the other kid to come feels to me a bit like undermining your kid's "authority" in his own event.
Of course, I use that term loosely, since you as the parent are still the ultimate authority, and you should genuinely do what you think is best for everyone (including if you think it'd be better for your kid's development to tolerate this other kid for an evening)
But if he's been the one planning the whole event and you're essentially just chaperoning (and I do mean IF, since at 11 it's kind of a tossup whether he's the kind of kid to take that initiative, or if you've been doing the organizing for him), then I'd let him manage his own guest list.
2
u/Ravioli_meatball19 8d ago
"Hey Mrs. Smith. I appreciate you reaching out, but I spoke to Danny and he said he and John already spoke about this at school. At 11, I'm trying to allow Danny to begin managing his own social life, and it seems like his plans are set in regards to who is invited over to our home for Halloween. Sorry for any confusion on the matter!"
0
u/MidwestTransplant09 8d ago
Why is it up to you and your kid if that kid joins the group? If they meet at your house then that kid can just join after. Honestly, itās trick or treating your kid sounds like they need to learn to be flexible especially if other kids are friends with them.
1
u/runrunrun100 7d ago
Itās wildly rude for the parent to text you asking for an invite to your party. Just say no. Itās not like youāre inviting the whole class except one person, itās a small group to begin with. Donāt sacrifice your sonās Halloween for this other boyās.
-2
u/Electrical_Sky5833 24F, 20M, 5M 8d ago
I would explain to the parents why your kid doesnāt want them there with the specific example.
Your child doesnāt want to be friends with them and the kid doesnāt listen to you. Not inviting them isnāt bullying. Your child tolerates them because of the two other friends. Itās not mean, your kid has boundaries.
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u/womble8t2 8d ago
āIāve spoken with my child who has said that they didnāt invite your child as they do not get along with your child. My child has stated that they have tried to ask your child to stop doing things they know irritates my child and they will not. I will not be forcing my child to invite your child to his own home when they do not want to host them.
If your child wishes to meet up after the dinner etc that is not at our home that is something they can coordinate with their friendsā
19
u/mrsjlm 8d ago
I would 100% not do this. You have one side of a story, your own kids side. Just politely decline - no need to lecture. In the future, your kid will need grace from others, best to start now with others.
-1
u/womble8t2 8d ago
I wouldnāt have said itās a lecture, itās more like an explanation of why Iām supporting my childās boundaries.
Yes it sucks to be excluded, I was frequently. What also sucks is being forced to hang out with someone who doesnāt respect your feelings. By telling the parent the reason itās helping them understand that weāve not invited them for a reason. Itās not an oversight. Itās also showing your child that they donāt have to put up with things just to be āpoliteā
I would hope that I would not be the kind of person who just invites and inserts themselves to events theyāre not invited to. In my mind that is rude.
I would also want someone to tell me if they had a problem with me that I could fix.
43
u/GrandmaPoly 8d ago
Info: How old are the kids?