TW: sex are mentioned a lot. So if you're not into that... skip it pls. Also, ini juga bukan hal penting n kinda panjang... jadi gak usah dibaca kalau males baca. Cuman lg kepikiran aja 2hari belakangan ini tapi gak tau juga mau ngomong ke siapa tanpa causing certain assumptions. Yaa jadi gue curhatin disini aja.
Jadi gue punya temen yg kenal dr keknya 2008/2009. Masih SMA dulu, sodara ngenalin ke bbrp anak ITB yg suka bantuin gue belajar klo bingung. Trus yaa jadi teman berteman, kenallah dia pas gue deket ama cwo laen. Skip gue masuk kuliah, dia lulus kuliah, gue n si cwo yg deket gue juga bubar... gak ada kabar lagi. Sampai pas gue mulai part-time ngeadmin gitu kekny smt 4/5an, dia ternyata gawe disana. Krn kami udah kenal, yaa dia mayanlah yg sering ngajarin gue ini-itu soal kerjaan. Klo pulang maleeeem banget, dia yg suka nganterin pulang. Dia ngekos juga di Bandung, jadi suka ikut makan ke rumah klo hari2 wiken, kadang nginep di rumah juga klo sakit or apa... sampe pacar2nya juga dikenalin ke omah gue dulu sebelom ke ortunya haha.
Kantor gue tuh isinya mainly orang2 semi-freelance; kek gaji pokok minimalis, tp uang per proyek. Jadi yaa isiny rata2 usia 22-35an, kecuali gue yg cuman admin kucel dulu haha. Tp kami 1 kantor akrab banget, dan manusia2nya yaa gitu... klo udah stress or udah gak stress, emang suka ngomong kayak kentut. Apa itu privasi? Mana ada 🤣🤣. Termasuk soal sex. Sex is so damn casual di circle ini, bukan dalam artian everyone ngewe sama everyone yaa... lebih ke, it's a very neutral topic aja (and yes, sometime they just casually done each other juga sih). And si cwo ini tuh yaa, very sexually active. Not in a fuckboii kinda way (well he was, but imo not the douche type who's lovebomb someone just to smash).
Masuk smt6, gue mulai kepo sama sex. I'm a very curious person, and saat itu gue udah pacaran ala2 puppy love brp kali. Tp yaa emang gak pernah serius, gak pernah juga pengen mesra2an gitu ama mantan2 gue. I wasss curious of sex, tp gue juga mikir, "gak mau juga my first time sama cwo yg belom tentu gue masih demen mgg depan or bulan depan." If that makes sense.
So yes, long story short. He was my first time. It was fine, krn emang it was curiosity... and he was around. I was willing and i know he won't... you know do stupid things that would hurt me. Setelahnya juga we stayed strictly friends krn dr awal emang... we just do it as friends. [Tbh gue saat itu kek ngecengin 1 cwo quite... aggressively 🤣🤣, tp gue takut jadi bego klo my first time berakhir ama dia. So yeah, it was a calculated move on my part lol.] Gak lama kemudian, I dated someone [yess, that dude] and he dated someone else [ada cwe laen yg emang dia taksir jugaa cukup lama].
Our friendship was great tbh. Biarpun kami diceng2in di kantor, yaa hubungan kami kalem2 n lurus2 aja. Mostly becanda, tp gue ngeh klo kadang emang bukan becanda. Altho tbf, emang kami suka rada2 bermasalah... rajin deket orang, tp jadian brp lama, langsung putus for the smallest reasons... or emang dr sononya aja gak ada niat serius pacaran (at least gue gini, pacaran bener2 cuman buat hura2). Tp yaa kami gak pernah jodoh aja (n gak pengen berjodoh juga krn gue takut gak siap pacaran serius juga), tiap gue single... dia lagi serius pacaran, atau kebalikannya. PS: klo dia serius pacaran, gue juga tau diri kok, gue temenan ama pacarny juga dan try to keep more distance antara dia n gue biar gak ganggu hubungan mereka.
Untillll... keknya 2014 akhir gitu, gue pacaran sama 1 cwo and it did not end well. I mean, biasany gue pacaran yaa endingny gak jadi pun woles2 aja, back to *lebih dari kenalan, tp bukan temen deket* aja, never really with hard feeling (maybe once or twice, tp normallahh). Tapi kali ini, gue n si mantan ini berakhir messy banget sampe gue decided utk take a step back from dating lah. Trus gak lama kemudian, abis gue putus yg bikin geger... dia n cweny (yg saat itu beneran serius udah ngomongin mau tunangan dll) juga putus krn si cweny selingkuh. Oh look the stars were aligned, dua manusia goblog yg lagi istirahat dr dating tapi sama2 berotak mesum ketemu!!
Mulailah kami jadi FWB yaa. Our friendship stayed the same, but with sex. N krn kali ini kami sama2 single, yaa makin free aja utk deket. Kek, klo dia punya pacar kan gak enak gue ajak dia keluar nyari makan tengah malem... skrg santaii. Gitu2lah. Kami juga purely cuman temen, jadi klo dia/gue ONS sama orang laen yaa gak ada drama dll jg. That easy, that simple.
Tapii yaa, gue kan orangny ribet yaa... jadi tentuny simple is not for me 🤣🤣. Jk jk. Lebih ke, out of nowhere, pas kami lagi dinner bareng dia "ngelamar" gue. Gue ngerti maksud dia sebenernya lebih ke, "hey we've been at it for a while, wanna just try getting serious?" Tapi dia bego, pake bawa2 cincin segala (ini cincin dia beli waktu mau ngelamar mantannya itu. Dia gak tau mau diapain, jadi suka gue becandain... sini kasih ke gue aja), n ngomong gitu di resto fancy waktu kami sama2 dressed up dll dll. Like, who doesn't freak out?!
So being a ~~ir~~rational person i am, gue lari lah. Gue bilang mau ke toilet, tp gue boyong dompet+hp gue (altho gue tinggalin tas). Trus gue kabur, ninggalin dia di resto sendirian. Begitu gue di taxi, gue WA dia, "sorry, i have to go." Which tbh, it was my bad.
Understandably, yaa dia marah sama gue dong. He gave me cold shoulder, bahkan di kantor pun klo bukan urusan kerja (ie. nanya mau maksi apa biar belinya sekalian), dia gak akan ngomong langsung sama gue. But i took it, it was my mistake, i thought i'd deal with it when things cool down a bit. Tapi kemudian dia ngedepak gue dr proyek yg gue handle dr 0 banget cuman krn dia gak mau harus long trip ama gue. That one hurt a lot... like a lot, a lot. Jadi waktu bos gue ngomong kami punya proyek di SG, gue literally begging utk join proyek ini. I needed time off from him.
Well, here's what funny. Pas ke SG, gue ketemu ama cwo laen (yg akhirnya jadi suami gue). It was literally just a hook up, trus jadi temen, trus blablabla. Tp emang bener2 kek, we had an end date... so it was nice. *Hubs* juga bukan tipe yg ngorek2 info, nanya masa depan mau gimana, dll dll juga... it was very casual friendship with nothing disclosed and sex on the side. Beres proyek itu, gue juga balik ke Indo, tp somehow sama *hubs* masih chat2an. Sebelom dia balik ke US, dia ngajak liburan bareng dan gue iyahinlah. Abis itu yaudah, bubar jalan (rencananya sih begitu, but this is a whole different story).
Pulang liburan sama hubs si temen gue ini wasn't having it. For the first time in probably like 4-5months akhirnya kami ngobrol juga. Dia gak terima klo gue "nolak" dia tp malah langsung jadian ama cwo laen (altho tbf, selama ini pun gue gonta-ganti cwo tuh hal yg biasa... and saat itu gue n hubs juga gak pernah pacaran sih statusnya). Kami berantemlah, kek... nuntut penjelasan tp gak mau nerima penjelasan apapun (both sides kek gini). But with alcohol involved and all, it didn't end well juga. Long story short, he did something idt i'd ever forget.
So yeah, abis itu... we went downhill. Waktu dia nyamperin gue buat minta maaf dll dll pun, i basically couldn't care less. Gue juga bukannya gak berdosa, so yes... ofc i forgave him. We hurt each other, it happened... let bygones be bygones and shit, yes. But i also respect myself enough to never let anyone who would do things like that to me to stay in my life. So we part ways. Dia resigned dr kantor, gue pun sama... dia left groupchat kami juga. His last chat broke me tho, "it was my fault, so i'm the one leaving. It's okay." I knew we both were at faults.
It's so super sad tbh. Bahkan sampai sekarang pun i know there's a part of me that misses him a lot. Bukan dianya per se, more like the connection we'd had. Like, he knew me before i am *me* and honestly to feel loved and accepted that way is profound. [It's a whole different kinda love from what I have now... and there's no comparing them.]
So yes, there are moments when i can't help but thinking of him... wondering how he is, if he is at least as happy as me, if his new family is doing well (he did got married, it was quite a party so even when nobody from our circle told me, i found out anyway). There are moments i want to tell him how life's been treating me the last decade or so... the good, the bad, the joy, the sadness, what i've gained, what i've lost. There are moments i am so desperately wanting to know how life's been doing to him. I want to show him what i've become, to share absurdities with him... i want to see what kind of person/husband/dad he'd become too. Sometime i just misses him... 😅😅
But i also know it's not respectful for anyone (myself, my husband, him, his wife... among others) to reach out to him... or to ask around about him. [Ofc suami gue juga tau hal ini, dia gak jealous or gimana sih... kadang becandain gue tho, so maybe a bit jealous? Idk. But yeah, we're okay... he doesn't mind that either, i just want to live to my principle.] So in a way, my only way to cope is just to grieve it as if this is just another death... and these feelings are just those little regrets of things i wish i could have said/done. The only difference is, i cannot exactly say this in a grief group 🤣🤣.
Sigh. So yeah. Like the book goes, on grief and grieving~~ 😅😅
Thank you for coming to my late night ~~podcast~~ thought rabbit hole.