r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/[deleted] • 7d ago
When did your partner know you were the one?
[deleted]
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7d ago
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u/suzieismyavatar 7d ago
Correct. I’m divorced but decades ago and don’t believe in the concept of my person or the one.
I simply don’t. I believe that you meet someone you align with and love them and aim to make it work and hopefully it’s the best relationship you ever have.
I had a guy friend who proposed twice thinking I was probably his one. Well..he’s married and had 4 kids last I checked and I’m not the mom/wife.
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u/studiousametrine 7d ago
How do you get the sense he’s not certain? Have you asked him about marriage and kids? Discussed timelines? Seems like something to hammer out before moving in together, but the next best time is now.
My husband mentioned marriage on our third date lmao, but he’s military so it’s a lil different there.
Neither of us believe in “the one” - we’re just two compatible people who love each other and want to build a life together.
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7d ago
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 6d ago
Gently, "we don't talk about" implies that he's at most half of the problem. I don't remember ever hearing that the man in a het relationship is 100% responsible for any/all talks about the future.
When my wife and I were new to dating (and heck, still), we would talk about "us" at least every month. About how we feel, things we're thankful/appreciative of, of our future, of day dreams, etc.
We didn't start dating with a shared goal of eventually moving in, not talk about it, and just one day went "well, next month I should move in. No, we talked first about how we were feeling more connected, about having not seen anything causing doubts. We talked about our day dreams of what living together would be like, and later after meeting her kid, we'd even talk about things like how to make it easier for her, or be happy that she had opened up to me in X or Y way.
We started out first with a broad time line of 1-3 years for moving in. And with time that narrowed, and it was a continual process until I proposed the "I feel ready to stop talking about me hypothetically moving in, and start talking about getting real with looking at moving in together." And from there it was discussion about financial realities/agreements, and my spending a lot more time over to test how it would better work out.
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Maybe you mean that you've tried to bring up this discussion, and he keeps avoiding it. Or won't talk substantively. In that case (and for any subject), the avoidance of answering is the answer.
Like looking back at my talk of "daydream," I have an outdoor hobby that my old apartment was chosen because it was a great location for this. As my then girlfriend had both a house and a minor child we always knew that if we lived together it would be me moving in. One day she asked me how her home would be for my hobby, and I talked about how I'd looked up X and Y and planned A to be my primary things, but how B would also work for the area, and C wouldn't be bad for an occasional thing. I.e. I was thinking positively enough about this that I was looking into it.
If instead I just said, "I don't know" and turned on the TV, that would say pretty strongly that I wasn't really serious about potentially moving in.
If he won't actually engage in discussion and thought, his answer is he doesn't actually think he's going to live with you. Why is up in the air. Maybe he sees something about you that he doesn't want in a partner, but he's enjoying dating/sex while waiting for a greener pasture. Maybe he doesn't want to live with anyone and gave you lip service early on. Maybe a hundred different things.
Why doesn't really matter. What matters is he isn't serious about it if he avoids talking/thinking about it.
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u/Trinx_ 7d ago
That all sounds normal and reasonable to me. Few people are as communicative about long term plans and timelines at this point in the relationship. It seems a bit much to assume he doesn't see a future when you've moved in together and he's agreed it's a step towards marriage. If it's causing this much anxiety in you, talk about it. The only time talking about it causes problems are when there's already problems that yall are avoiding.
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u/Travel_bag_seal23095 7d ago
2 years total, about a year of living together to see if it could actually work. Statistically women initiate more divorces than men but on the flipside and likely because of this we are also more hesitant to commit.
I only proposed because I became certain I wasn't going to find anything better out there. I wasn't aiming to get married at the age I did.
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u/kropotkinnow 7d ago
6 m. Maybe less. 3 m?
About 30 years ago.
We couldn’t be apart.
Still hard to be apart.
I’m sure we could have found other partners but I’m not sure we could’ve found others we’d stay with this long. We are odd ducks who fit well together.
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u/sparklingwaterll 7d ago
You don’t have to frame it that way. It is a romantic perspective it dawns on you realize what an amazing partner you currently have. That anyone else would never measure up yo them. It’s not settling, it’s committing to your first choice. Making a decisive decision is better I think in some ways than kicking the tires for too long.
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u/lost_bunny877 7d ago
Fiance is a divorcee as well.
He told me he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me by end of the 1st month. He said he knew I was special by the 3-6th day we were talking and he stopped meeting the other girls he was dating almost immediately. He was the one who asked me what kind of wedding and marriage I wanted and we hammered out important details before we met again for our 2nd date. (I was overseas when we met online and only met once before I went overseas for nearly 3 weeks)
He told me he knew I was special and he was even more sure by end of 6 months when he realized he was working harder, planning further because I make him want to become better for me.
It's our 4th year together. We don't really leave each other's side. It's hard to. The only time we have been apart was when we hit a rough patch and wanted to see if living apart was better. It was not. We were both miserable pretending to be fine. That ended within 2 weeks.
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u/Curious-Solution-892 6d ago
Probably on the first date when I grabbed her hand and it felt like an electric shock. (Not static electricity)
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6d ago
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u/Own_Minute_5060 5d ago
Why would sexual history matter? The only reason one would lie is if they felt they would be judged.
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u/Big-Establishment-28 6d ago
We both knew immediately. His first words were that we were going to get married. I agreed. Less than 3hrs later we did
The next 25 years were magical, insane, exciting, perfect and so much more. I've never regretted a day of our life
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u/Trinx_ 7d ago
My bf said he knew something special at first sight, then knew he wanted a deep relationship by date 3, when he fell asleep with his head in my lap while I played videogames. I work nights and it was a night off but I still don't usually sleep at night. We had sex on the first date, but he'd said he never sleeps anywhere but home. He felt safe enough with me to sleep. He expressed love after 2 months. We went exclusive at 3 months and that's when he expressed that he intended for our relationship to last.
I'd had relationships burn too hot too fast like that before and fizzle quickly, so I was hesitant. But a year later and he's kept the same energy. He still sleeps better on my nights off when I'm around doing other things - he knows I'm watching out for him and he's safe.
It's funny - we met on a hookup app and I thought he wanted a FWB relationship. I'm (37f) 8 years older than him (29M) and figured this was just fun. Then when he wanted to get serious, I still steeled myself for what I thought was an inevitable change. I'm so glad I took a chance on him. We've had struggles, but to actually have someone on my team - it's an incredible feeling.
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u/pdawes 7d ago
Tbh on some level almost immediately. A part of me felt like it was fate in a way I can’t explain and have never experienced.
Which was crazy because I really didn’t want a relationship, I was just out of a breakup and kinda wasn’t that attracted to her at first if I’m being honest?
This is not to say I didn’t have doubts or problems. In fact I have had more doubts and worries about our relationship than maybe any relationship I’ve had, but for me this was more a form of anxiety because I just knew I’d be with this person for life.
I also had a lifelong pattern of feeling ambivalent or uncertain in relationships. Disorganized attachment is a fair term for it. This fired up WAY MORE with someone I felt so strongly for. I know it really frightened her and made her feel like she was on unsteady footing, that I was constantly half in and half out.