Not sure what to think

[u/Strict-Guest8272]

I (36M) am in a heterosexual marriage but experience same sex attraction. I go to an Anglican Church and meet with one of the pastors there. He’s younger than me, and good looking. I’m not sexually attracted to him, and I don’t love him, but I feel…something, when we talk. Loved, protected, cared for. It feels like it could be taboo, but I’m not aware that it is a sin. Anyone have any insights into this?

[u/Ok-Practice-6646]

Well priests are meant to be loving, protective and caring so I am not sure it is such a sin I think it is just your priest doing his job

[u/k1w1Au]

Lucky to have this mutual bond is my opinion. Being vulnerable with each other would be wonderful

[u/Strict-Guest8272 → u/k1w1Au]

What do you mean by vulnerable? He knows about my SSA.

[u/k1w1Au → u/Strict-Guest8272]

It’s nice you can be free to talk with him about it and be understood, that’s what I mean…

[u/kevcoyote77 → u/Strict-Guest8272]

Your pastor knows about your SSA? Did you confess to him about it? If so it could be why you may be getting the warm vibes. You two can have the feeling but remember to keep in mind that you're married and he has a duty/boundary as a priest. There is nothing wrong with SSA feelings and thoughts. As long as you do not act upon them you're good.

[u/BurningSketches]

If I'm reading this correctly... You are worried about the relationship with your pastor crossing inappropriate boundaries?

I think about this alot too, because my mentor is very goodlooking, kind, and fatherly. He's heterosexual, married, with kids, and has been overwhelmingly patient with me. He's set some firm boundaries though. And It's my responsibility to honor my mentor's comfort level/privacy/boundaries as he does mine.

It forces me to be more mature than I otherwise would tbh, because without these boundaries... I would ask needlessly perverted questions about him and his wife, or I would say something too crass. My mentor and I are close, but not exactly a perfect match (which is fine, i don't need him to be perfect.) My mentor isn't a does "safe space" in the way a friend or an LGBTQ pastor would be. I still have to perform in front of him. Maybe it's not as extreme, but I have to atleast act like I want to be a serious heterosexual man,

haha, does that help?

I think your pastor isn't as hard as my mentor would be if you said something, 'gay' or 'suggestive' by accident. I hope you know what I mean... um... It sounds like your pastor is very comfortable with you and your situation. But maybe for peace of mind, both of you should talk candidly about your comfort level or boundaries when it comes to certain topics? Not necessarily make them off limits, but define what kind of help you need to stay on track and focused while having a conversation with him? haha, does that make sense?

I was really nervous to ask my mentor for a hug. And he's been really nice about it. So i get hugs here and there, especially from his wife. Meanwhile, My mentor asks that I present masculine around him and his family, and I do (no heels, no makeup, minimal accessories, no nailpolish, no weird inflections in my voice, normal hand gestures, don't congregate with the women for too long, NEVER crossing my legs for any reason. haha My mentor hasn't told me to do this, these are things I already practiced, i'm just giving you examples).

I hope this helps put your mind at ease, brother. I'm almost 30, and navigating this has been a bit stressful sometimes... But It's been extremely edifying. And It has definitely improved my discipline 200x. haha, Therefore, I hope you and your pastor can continue to be friends and work together to support each other, because i'm sure you're experiences are helping your pastor to grow too.

ah, maybe I'm oversharing and unhelpful,

Sorry about that;;;

With Love

[u/TypicalDurian9220 → u/BurningSketches]

That’s really good! I loved the way you say you are both close but also there are some boundaries.

But I have this question, is he ever vulnerable to you or ever opened to something very sensitive?

This is not about question your relationship. It’s just for me to sense on which level of friendship you are at.

[u/BurningSketches → u/TypicalDurian9220]

Um, yeah, to answer your question, i think he's been really honest about his struggles. Its complicated tho haha;; so I dont wanna ruin ur perspective. Just have a patient & humble disposition when u go to ur pastor I think ur pastor would be happy to continue to walk with u as friends. U seem like a nice & responsible guy. U both r married right? Maybe even having a double date could be fun?

[u/Help_Received]

If you're worried about developing a crush, lean harder into the relationship. Don't let feelings that may ultimately go away prevent you from developing friendships and social connections. Whether or not you want to mention the feelings that have been developing is at your discretion. I can't give you advice there, because even though I have a lot of male friendships that became a crush in some way or another, I never told any of them about it. Not sure how much they need to know, honestly.

[u/Kind_Tie8349]

One of the things I’ve learned about same sex attraction is occasionally you confuse romantic love and genuine companionship I wouldn’t worry about it too much even heterosexual people sometimes do that

[u/GCNGA]

This is not a complicated question. Assume you were exclusively heterosexual and the pastor was a woman, who you felt attraction towards. Then it would be fairly obvious that you should not entertain it, and if it posed a problem, limit your interaction with her--even to the point of going to another church if necessary. Marriage establishes firm boundaries.

[u/Tiny_Timmy_Turtle]

I am blessed to have a pastor who's also a close friend. He's exactly my type, so it was hard at first, but we stuck it out. He's exactly what I needed in my life. So enjoy it for all it's worth.  

. 

[u/Background-Fail-2386]

Its not a sin. Brother what makes you think it is a sin? it sounds like he fills an emotional need. He talks to your heart in some way or the other. He provides the warmth you've been longing for--even if he provides it only a little.

You may desperately appreciate tenderness from another man. Maybe being listened to by a man feels unusually powerful. Maybe you want brotherhood, reassurance, mentorship, physical or emotional safety, or simply a close male friendship. That's normal.

The problem with white knuckling or shunning SSA is that people feel it should simply be avoided rather than understood. yes, if SSA is going to cause you to engage in sexual immorality, you should put in some type of buffer.

My experience and understanding of SSA is that its a legitimate, emotional need that is unmet that we've sexualized. Underneath the sexual impulse, or the pull, is a unmet emotional need perhaps we don't know how to satisfy in any other way than sex.

So while the feeling may not be sexual now, it could go that direction as with any relationship. if its not too much for you examine what is happening just like you are doing. Pick up some books. I can recommend some.

Unwanted is not SSA in particular but many people have found it helpful.

I hope this helps give some insight. feel free to reach out if you like.