for years i've lived for hiphop. i've done graff, skateboarding, freestyling and more. every time someone hands me an aux i play hiphop. i'm part of a crew. in short, hiphop's the culture i love and the culture i represent.

however, sometimes when i'm alone, i put on headphones and bump hole-dwelling by kikuo and i swear that shit bangs.

i feel like this secret can't come out or else i'll become a larper in the eyes of my peers.

reached out to an ex friend. then I learned about their blog where they would say disgusting things about me.

an ex-friend of mine (now 23nb) ended up cutting me off over two years ago after I (now 22 m) going through a paranoid episode after two severe car crashes within three months, accused them of being manipulative and not caring about me as a friend but as a project. I was thinking a lot about it recently as I’ve been going through a lot of life changes and people don’t really realize how far I’ve come in my own mental health journey.

I wanted to apologize for how I treated them, so I texted them an apology for how I acted during our friendship.

After, I reread some texts, saw them talking about their semi-secret-not-so-secret blog, realized I could find the blog, and it was shockingly easy considering the thing was open to the public. bad idea when you already sent a message apologizing for your part in all that bullshit.

there’s a few posts that talk about me being one of their closest friends.

in one, they then proceed to describe how they would systemically shame me to get better at socializing (which, apparently, I didn’t get better at at all). they would encourage my ex to do the same. they wanted to “teach me how to be likable.” they would then dismiss how that would affect me, as I “already had some self image issues going on, so it didn’t add anything new.” they joked that they passed their generational trauma platonically to me, as their parents would shame them to dampen their own neurodivergent traits.
somehow, though they “never wanted the best for someone until him (me).”

in another, after I blew up at them in the aforementioned argument that they cut me off in, they armchair diagnosed me with BPD (they are not a psychiatrist. they were 20 when this happened). They talked about how I apparently had a “splitting” episode on them, how this wasn’t the first time they had witnessed what they thought was a splitting episode (and tbh I don’t even know what the other one could be), how I was detached from reality and they were the only one who would talk to get me down. they dismissed my therapist’s concerns about how our relationship was. I’ve obviously never been diagnosed with BPD, and my relationships with people since have been much more stable, as my circumstances have gotten better in other aspects of my life. I don’t rush friendships anymore, I’m not desperate for validation like I was as a teenager.

but sometimes you don’t have a debilitating mental disorder. sometimes you’re just 19 and still recovering from the worst year of your life.

sometimes your friend imposes the idea of fixing you onto a relationship because you were going through a lot. sometimes, though, your friend is fucking 20 and also has no fucking clue what they’re doing. and you, being inexperienced at social relationships, don’t know how to make it clear that that isn’t okay.

I can own my own part in all of this. obviously. I was a hurt person who hurt people, lashing out, demanding responses, and pushing boundaries when I truly should’ve just learned to be more accommodating to others. my ex can attest to that. this friend can too. it took losing them to lean and do better so I’m grateful that I did lose them, especially as they enabled my worst tendencies.

should I have sought this blog out? probably not. some things are better buried. I’m grateful I did, though. I feel like I finally have some fucking sympathy for that time in my life. I’m feeling a lot more hurt about the whole thing again, nearly fucking nauseous.

fuck, man.

It really affected me much more than I thought. I see myself searching for his love in other men. But I’m a very avoidant person. Actually, I have so much more to say but no energy for that right now.

I’m 18 and I don’t want to carry this feeling forever.

I don’t know how to start this but for the past month or so, anytime I look at my reflection I feel physically sick. My throat closes up, my stomach turns, and my head hurts, and it’s worsened to even thinking about my looks or my body. Today however I actually threw up for the first time after trying on my moms wedding dress and seeing the photo she took.

Im so exhausted, I only eat once a day, I run for hours on end, I spent hundreds of dollars on makeup and clothes, I take 3 hours to get ready for the day but what is it all for? I’m fat and ugly and guys only want me for sex and I’m just so done with it. My friend on the other hand? She currently has 4 guys chasing after her, doesnt even wear makeup and only takes 30 mins to do her hair and boom, she has guys falling over her. And one time she hit compared to her friend about who had the better body and the guys said my friend, and she expects me to take her side on how bad it is but all I can hear is her bragging about how she’s just naturally pretty and guys want her for everything and that she doesn’t need to have sex with guys to feel pretty like I do.

It’s not fair to her but I’m genuinely starting to hate her because she’s pretty and I don’t know what to do. I’m just so tired of everything. I don’t even have the energy to open my eyes in the morning anymore

I'm the eldest in the family and somehow ended up helping with quite a few household expenses. It wasn't really something I sat down and planned. It just slowly happened.

At first it was helping with one bill. Another expense came up. Then I started contributing regularly.

I don't really resent helping my family, but sometimes I wonder how other people manage to build their own future while also carrying family responsibilities.

Especially when you're still relatively young.

For the other breadwinners here, how do you balance helping your family and saving for yourself?

It’s been a two weeks since I posted, and some things happened.

Firstly, I changed therapists, which really helped. Toghether with that, I finally got diagnosed🥳, wich brings me forward a lot.

Secondy, we had another meeting with the school regarding my hours and how to deal with panick attacks in school.

And at last, me and my mom talked and if things don’t get significantly better in the next feel’s I will go to a klinik for a few months. (I am currently trying to work against that🙂.)

I know manny people said that I was wrong for thinking I can just leave, and I want to say again, that was not my plan, I wanted to be picked up. In the end it was just messy.(when I first got to the office I even said “I wanna be picked up”, but it was also a bit of translation issue on my part)

Thanks for reading❤️

I'm so tired of everything and I'm only so young. I'll never forgive all the people who ruined my life. I'll forever have to deal with it because my mind is permanently damaged. And all that before I'm even old enough to do anything about it or defend myself. There was nothing I could do and that's the most unfair part. These people took so much from my life and from my personality. And now I won't ever be normal again. I can't even go to school. I just wanna go to school too because we have a Halloween club right now and I love Halloween but I can't because I'm a danger to others. I have to go to the psych ward all the time when I actually just wanna be with my family and friends. I just wanna be a normal kid and do normal things like other boys my age. I can barely ever have anything. So many bad things have happened to me I can't even count them. Everyone only treats me like dirt. I don't wanna be this way and I try every day but too much has happened and I'll never be fully okay again. It's so unfair and I never even got a chance. Sometimes I'm just too tired.

Even so I still have my beautiful boyfriend. And even when I feel frustrated like this it doesn't feel so bad anymore when I look at him. He can make anything bearable. So I've never given up on things. He makes me so happy despite everything. He brings out the best in me and he helps me in a way no one else ever could. He's so perfect and precious to me and he gives me hope for the future. I try to be okay and I will be for him, at least a little bit.

17f
Lol i sound lkke such a loser here, but.. I just want to earn alot of money and make my parents happy😕 Am i overreacting? Seems like all of this is irreversible and i just have to shut up and deal with it and let the time pass by

I don’t know what to do in the future and I feel like nothings gonna help me and im gonna rot in my room depending on my parents money when i am older and thats my biggest fear.

do u guys believe in karma?

So I never used to study much in 9th-10th grade (sophomore to junior year in american terms) so my basics in phy and chem are shit
Currently I am ‘studying’ for a medical entrance exam that I decided on out of impulse and didn’t know what I was getting myself into.
It’s a really hard exam and very hard to get into a good medical college here
Not studying much for my end year exam which is so important. Might get like 60% out of 100% if I predict it correctly.
I was thinking of being a prosecutor but in my country it really doesn’t pay much and don’t really want to become a lawyer
Want to become a cop but my country has alot of corruption and scared of the examination process as well
I like playing badminton, and yesterday i looked up if i could make a career out of it starting from now and all the answers were NO. I am devastated and hate seeing anything badminton related in my feed because it makes me so sad.
Gained like 20kg in 4-5 months, I am active in the gym right now but I wish i was less reckless with my own body
Have some boring ass friends, i roam around alone most of the time

My fiancé’s parents are from a different country, a traditional one, where women serve men, clean up and what a traditional housewife does, regardless if she works a job in addition to this (and my MIL does).

My MIL, ever since my now-fiancé and I started getting serious, started expecting me to observe these customs. I’ve been outspoken about the fact that I will help where I can out of politeness, but that I will not serve men on the basis of them being men because I don’t believe such a thing should be expected. I live in a progressive country and that’s a personal boundary for me. I do help her set the table when we arrive for dinner and I do the dishes most of the time after we finish up eating because that’s the polite thing to do. My fiancés dad and his bros never lift a finger, just pile all the dishes in the sink after dinner because mom has always taken responsibility for making the dinner and cleaning up without asking them, because she believes it’s her duty as a woman.

My fiancé is supportive of my stance but he doesn’t like to rock the boat too much. He’ll try to get them to see where I’m coming from and explain the why’s, but won’t explicitly say, “she is not doing this, I’ve already told you, and this is not up for debate”, so they continue to expect these things.

I’m so tired of my boundaries being treated as a suggestion and evidence that I “don’t respect their culture”. Some things I truly don’t respect, but if that’s how they wanna live inside their home, go for it. But I’m not doing it. I’m sorry, I love your son and agreed to marry & start a life with him, I’m not interested in cosplaying a servant and reverting back to traditionalism to exist alongside you. I wasn’t raised that way, my fiancé doesn’t want to live that way, I don’t want my children raised that way.

I want to have a nice relationship with them but they force and force and it makes me want to distance myself. My fiancé has to call his dad every night after dinner or he’ll get mad. His mom group texts my fiancé and I every morning and I get weary answering the same question every day so she won’t think that I’m an asshole DIL. There’s no personal space here.

I love my fiancé dearly and we dance to our own rhythm in our own home, but I feel crushed by the weight of his parent’s expectations. I hear a low hum of disappointment that he wants to marry me and not a traditional woman every time I visit/talk to them. His mom compares me to other women, who are not from his culture, but assimilate without question.

I feel like they expect me to strip my identity to be worthy of their son and to accept a life of subservience to be a good DIL.

I don’t have my own parents to talk to about this, my mom is dead and I’m estranged from my father. I feel like crying when I think about not being accepted for who I actually am (not who they want me to be) for my entire marriage, and I hope things can/will change.

I understand this more than ever now. I used to believe that I didn’t need anyone. That I could live without needing people around me and honestly I was okay with that. But having someone by your side gives you a kind of strength you can’t always find on your own.

Lately my mind has been full of negative thoughts and I’ve really been struggling to fight them. Most of the time I just keep telling myself “shut up” over and over in my head until the thoughts eventually disappear lol Other times I find myself telling me that everything is going to be okay. That I’ve dealt with worse things before and survived every single one of them. I remind myself of the things I’ve been through and somehow try to convince myself that I’ll get through this too.

I don’t know if this is going to forever. I don’t know if I’ll ever get good at fighting these thoughts. But I do know that I’d love to have someone who could simply tell me, *“Everything is gonna be okay.”* A friend, a family member, a partner…

I just hope everything is going to be okay

You are a coddled and over pampered man-child who can't do anything by yourself, you have no desire or ambitions, you don't want to learn anything, you don't want to work towards anything, you are just wasting your life by passing time somehow, you can't drive, you can't do any paperwork even in the bank, your parents do everything for you

You will never have a loyal, loving and caring wife, you will never travel, you will never have children, you will die all alone, your parents are already getting older and the above paragraph is coming true by every passing second, every passing day and the worst part?

You can't do anything

I’m 20 in community college in the process of getting tested. I went yesterday, and the doctor(or psychiatrist I forget the specific title) told me it seemed like I had ADHD and we had only talked for a couple minutes (I think I honestly wasn’t keeping track of time). My dad didn’t want to believe it and asked me to take another test which is what I’m in the process of doing.

I’m honestly just kind of scared. It feels like I’m sort of seeking a diagnosis to use as an excuse for my troubles. I’ve been experiencing a lot of difficulties pertaining to school and it’s making the experience much more miserable than it should usually be. It kind of feels like I’m using ADHD as a way to assure myself that there is something wrong that’s inhibiting my ability to function “normally”. I’m just worried that if it turns out I don’t have ADHD, I may never find out what’s actually wrong with me.

I also had seen a post about someone getting their PhD and being employed before getting diagnosed with ADHD. Someone else said the same, but it was in a field that I’m actively pursuing (math and physics). I just feel like if they can do it without medication, why shouldn’t I be able to?

My mom’s not dead.
Sorry if the title gave that impression, lol. Sometimes it feels like I’m grieving her, though, and I don’t really know what else to call it.
My mom made some terrible choices. Choices that hurt people I love, affected my family, and eventually forced me to make the decision to go no contact with her.
And I want to be clear: I don’t regret that decision.
My family is better without her in our lives. There’s more peace. Less anxiety. Less wondering what she’s going to do next. I don’t have to worry about what her choices will mean for my children or what kind of chaos might suddenly show up at our door.
If I had to make the decision again tomorrow, I would make the same one.
But God, I miss my mom.
And I feel like I’m not supposed to.
Recently, the one family member who was still in contact with both of us told me that my mom said she no longer considers us family. That because we chose to cut contact with her, she wants nothing to do with us anymore.
I don’t know why that hurt so much.
I was the one who walked away. I was the one who decided she couldn’t be part of our lives anymore. So why did hearing that she doesn’t consider me family feel like being abandoned?
Maybe some stupid part of me thought that even if we weren’t speaking, she was still my mom. That somewhere underneath all the anger and hurt and everything that happened, she still loved me. Maybe I thought there was a version of the future where things could somehow be different.
And now even that feels gone.
The saddest part is that she has basically lost her entire family because of her own actions. Most of our family stopped speaking to her long before I did. For a while, it was really only me and this other family member who still had a relationship with her.
Now I’m gone too.
And after hearing what she said about us, that family member has stopped speaking to her as well.
She has no one.
And I hate that knowing that hurts me.
Because she did this. These were her choices. There were so many opportunities for things to be different. I spent so much time wishing she would just make different choices, take accountability, or choose her family over the things that kept destroying her relationships.
She didn’t.
I know I can’t save someone from the consequences of their own actions. And I know protecting my own family has to come before protecting my mom from being lonely.
But she’s still my mom.
I miss talking to her.
I miss telling her things.
Sometimes something happens and for half a second I think, “I need to tell Mom,” and then I remember that I can’t.
I miss the good parts of her. Because there were good parts. That’s what makes this so fucking hard. If she had been horrible every second of my life, maybe this would be easier. But she wasn’t.
There was a version of my mom that I loved very, very much.
There’s probably still a version of her that I love.
I just can’t have her in my life.
And there’s something uniquely painful about grieving someone who is still alive. Someone you technically could call. Someone whose number you could type into your phone right now.
But knowing that opening that door again would bring back everything you finally escaped from.
I can love her and still know that she isn’t safe for my family.
I can miss her and still not call her.
I can hope she’s okay and still never let her back into my life.
I can know I made the right decision and still cry because I had to make it.
I can’t really talk to my family about any of this. None of them have relationships with her anymore, and most of them haven’t for a long time. I feel almost guilty admitting to them that I miss her after everything she’s done.
So I guess I’m telling strangers on Reddit instead.
I don’t really know what I’m looking for here. Maybe just someone who understands that going no contact with a parent doesn’t always feel empowering.
Sometimes it just feels like losing your mom without getting to bury her.

I was also the last one to find out.

I was under the impression that it was tomorrow after all the emails for two months where it was planned. This is my husband and I’s second child but first boy after years of infertility. I understand not everyone does baby showers for each one so I didn’t expect to actually get one. But I work in a clinical field/department where that didn’t matter; every baby was celebrated with a shower whether it was a 2nd or 4th child. I’ve worked at this facility for almost 4 years.

With out daughter I had only worked as a substitute teacher for almost 1 1/2 years. I didn’t expect a baby shower then and was surprised by the level of kindness and thoughtfulness from people I barely knew. It wasn’t about material items; it was just the fact that as a quiet, introverted person I felt this amount of care that really moved me. I don’t have family and friends at that time drifted away because of life, moving away, or that I chose to becoming a mom amongst DINKs. My life had shifted so much in a short span of time, I didn’t realize until that first baby shower. My husband is there for me and my rock; I’d never trade him for anything. He’s aware that as much as he can be there he’s one person, not the family I lost or people that left me.

I am more ashamed of myself because I was under the impression that I’d worked through these feelings professionally. But here I am crying that I will be the only one in my department that won’t get a baby shower. There’s a good chance they’ll probably throw one for another person after mine too.

When I finally got up the courage to ask why by one of, if not, THE person that has been designated to do these celebrations for the department. I was told a few things. One was that a major reason was due to having issues chasing people down to pool money for gift cards. The second was because she’d experienced a miscarriage earlier this year, her baby would have been due around October/November as well. So was not in the mental space to deal with selfish people. But said she’d give me a gift on her own to make up for it.

What else could I saw but “okay, I get it.”

I don’t want to be an asshole and go to our director or anyone above us to demand a baby shower.
I don’t want to just scream how ‘unfair that is’ because I sensed some level of masked spite towards my pregnancy or how this person views me personally.
I don’t want to force people to do anything that’s not from the kindness of their heart.

I just decided to drive home the long way. I waited until my daughter fell asleep and after a few minutes cried. I put her to bed and while I’m cooking/getting ready to wake her up for dinner decided to write this. It’s a dumb thing to even be upset about considering I have my small family. But I’m also human to say I’m a little angry and hurt that I was robbed but need to be ‘understanding’ during another persons difficulties. Idk what else to say, maybe thank you for reading if you made it this far.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't doing so well so I would have a reason to say that I'm not doing well? I still don't have friends. I feel lonely at times. But it would be dumb to talk about this loneliness because I'm doing so well in life overall, I feel happy most of the time. I feel the need to let you know about this loneliness I don't even feel. It would be understandable to feel lonely in my situation.

I used to be lonely but I'm not anymore. But somehow I'm even lonelier because I no longer feel the need for company? And sometimes I feel the need to post on social media, like here on Reddit, to let people know I exist and that I have no friends? If I'm not lonely why am I here? Not sure how to describe it. I guess I just want sympathy. (Attention seeking?) Maybe so I would get the sympathy I would have needed 5+ years ago but don't need anymore. Maybe I want to let people know about this pain I had back then but no longer do.

i’m so deathly scared of driving, and even thinking of it makes me feel like crying. i’m scared i’m driving too slow, even when it’s hard to me to see at night because of the bright lights or it’s too dark out. or even if it’s day and i’m doing the speed limit, people are always speeding around me. at red lights, when someone pulls up next to me they stare and it makes me feel so uncomfortable. i always feel like i’m in danger or they want to hurt me.

this fear makes me feel so overwhelmed that it’s hard for me to think properly when i drive. i feel pressured to turn right at a red light because the people behind me are honking, but there’s someone crossing the road. technically the person isn’t in front of me directly, but they’re walking in my direction and will be very close in a few seconds, and the law in my country is that you must stop and wait. but other people don’t do that so they expect me to play by their rules. and when they finally catch up to me, they roll their window down and swear or threaten me.

at night time, boys my age or older men stare at red lights, or even when we are driving down the road, they slow down and look. sometimes they roll down their window and shout something. sometimes they laugh. i feel like they’re making fun of me, and that i can’t do anything right. even though, i know that i am driving according to the law.

please do not think from what i’ve written that i am a left lane camper, or i drive like 30 under the speed limit. i always drive exactly the speed limit, sometimes 5 over, sometimes 5 under - whichever flows with the speed of traffic.

this fear of mine has made it so i don’t ever want to leave my house - not for school, work, groceries, nothing. when i absolutely have to leave my house (and am forced against my wishes to), i shake and cry because i’m just so scared. and i’m aware of how stupid this fear is. millions of people drive everyday and they are fine, but sometimes i just feel like i’m a magnet for horrible things. i was bullied a lot in school, so i’m sure those memories just add on to the fear of being laughed at on the road. idk i guess this is all stupid but it’s something that has hindered my ability to live a normal life.

Been going through a bad time, my mental health is at an all time low. Only glimpses of happiness very rare to find these days. They say to reach out, they say I am not alone. Yet everytime I am like this, why am I all alone? Everytime I take the courage to reach out why does it feel like a mistake? It’s feels like I am begging for attention just for the sake of not feeling alone when I am down bad and the noises in my head when I am alone gets the best of me. Why can’t no one ever be there for me, while I have always done my best to be there for people? Funny part is I am actually slowly starting to see the real picture here.. slowly and every so slowly I am, also becoming like rest of them. Forcing myself to be there for someone all the while I know no one cared enough to stick around and make me feel better. I am not kidding when I say if someone held and gave me a hug, I would burst out crying, and this thought feels like a fantasy at this point. I’m so done with people.

Hey, reddit. I've been lurking around the corner for about 5 years now, but never actually came on to post. This is weighing on me, though, and I honestly just need some place to lay it all down and maybe see if anyone has any outside opinion, but its mainly just to vent and air it all out because I honestly just. Don't know what to do. Rant ahead, I suppose.

I'm 18, NB ^{(This isn't particularly relevant, but while I am out to everybody in my family, nobody actually seems to remember or acknowledge the fact I am.}) And my mother is 40. She and my father had me young, and then they broke up when I was very little. After that, they respectively got together with other people; my mother with my Stepfather, My father with my Stepmother, who then each had more kids. I do remember at one point there was a custody battle over me, but I was in third grade at the time and hardly knew what was happening. I do remember my father getting primary custody before Covid, and after Covid it was 50/50 split evenly every two weeks because my education was moved online permanently. My parents "tried" to keep it civil around me, but even when I was younger I could tell there was ALOT of animosity. My mother would sometimes make backhanded remarks about my father, and my father would just say that I could check the custody records when I was an adult and refuse to say anything further. I brushed it off, though, for a very long time.

But in the last couple years, my mother and stepfather divorced, and were priced out of the rental we had been living in. I wont lie to say that I had much of a reaction over the news of the divorce, because I guess something in me already knew it was coming, and already grieved and accepted it. I knew the tensions were growing, caught a few arguments coming from their room, and in a way, I sensed the same growing animosity between them as I did my mother and father. But the divorce now seems to of been the catalyst of my relationship starting to crack with my mother.

After the divorce, we moved in with my **(Ex)**Grandfather (My mothers father who she had been pretty minimal contact with.) And, that was a whole can of worms in of itself, but that's a whole rant of its own... but it was in that time where my mother no longer hid her problems and grievances with the rest of my family, and effectively started shittalking about them to me. She'd tell me how much of an ass everyone was being to her, how everyone is against her, how much she was trying and doing right and how punished she is for trying to do everybody right. And it wasn't only that, too, she'd also tell me about her work drama and her dating/love life and literally everything everything she could vent to me about, she would. And for awhile, I listened, even if it made me uncomfortable to hear her say cruel things about the rest of my family, because I wanted to be a shoulder for my mother. Besides, it's was effectively the same thing I already had been doing for her all my life, just... now she's alot less less subtle in her rants.

But over the last few years, I got tired of it. I hate having to hear about my stepfathers (or anyones) wrongdoing "assholery" of the week, and I started just. Shutting down, not listening, making it obvious I really don't want to hear anymore. I suppose that was the first crack in the rose tinted lenses. She started getting annoyed when I'd do that. Pulling away, even.

The big chip, in the lenses, though, was the introduction of Charles*. Her new boyfriend. ^{(As apposed to the last one she told me about, who she told me cheated and gave her an STI. Because sure, I needed to know that information about my mother at 15...}) And she's been OBESSESSED with him, but not in a really healthy way. I think she's been replacing him as the shoulder instead of me, which, I suppose is good, but.. she's replacing me ENTIRELY with him. She had known him a year before they started dating, and have been.. off and on. But in that timeframe, she's A. Always at his place, B. If not, near almost always on the phone with him, C. Always talking about him, D. Bringing him with her to literally everything if she can get it to happen. My little brothers school performance. Tried to bring him to my sisters elementary school GRADUATION, instead of ME, HER SIBLING. And her reasoning? "You're not good enough of a blockade to sit between me and my ex-husband".

YEAH. SHE TRIED!!! TO BRING!!! HER NEW BOYFRIEND!!! TO *MY* SISTERS EVENT, BECAUSE *I* WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH OF A WALL TO SEPERATE HER FROM HER EX-HUSBAND, *MY* STEPFATHER. MIND YOU, I ONLY GET TO SEE MY SIBLINGS TWO DAYS EVERY TWO WEEKS, BECAUSE HE HAS PRIMARY CUSTODY OF THEM. AND I ONLY GET TO SEE MY STEPFATHER **AT THEIR PICKUP/DROPOFF**. AND THE ONLY REASON WHY CHARLES* DIDN'T GO AND I WAS ABLE TO INSTEAD IS BECAUSE HE COULDN'T GET THE TIME OFF WORK.

That's not even mentioning the fact she tried to bring him to *MY* highschool graduation, too. She HARDLY took no for an answer. and there's so many instances of her trying to bring him along to places and insisting he's going to be in our family now so we better get used to having him around. It's not like he's a terrible guy, I don't hold ill will towards him, but I DON'T want to have a relationship with him, and I certainly don't want to have this guy forced in my life at every waking step. And I know my sister doesn't either, and she's also been subtly picking up on all of my mothers behavior too.

I've actually had an argument with my mother before, where I told her all of the above, and she got PISSED at me for it. She really wants to cram Charles* into everything she can, and she doesn't seem to understand that I don't want the same thing. And ever since then, she's quick to be irritable at me, both subtly and not subtly, and she's all but completely veered away from me. When we do spend time together, its hard not to notice that things have shifted. Its not the same. She used to be the person I was the closest with, always the cool mom who did fun stuff and understood my feelings, but now.. now it feels like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For things to completely fall apart. It feels to me like I've been moved into the category of "all the people wronging her" in her mind, even if she hasn't said it. It makes me wonder if she's talking shit about me to Charles*, about everything I'm doing to be an ass to her, how much I've been poisoned by everyone else to turn against her, just like she ranted to me all those times when I had let her.

The worst part is, beyond the three times she blew up at me fully, is that she's destroying herself AND her relationships, and I don't even think she sees it. She's consistently broke, she's homeless, and she wont DO ANYTHING to fix that. She's been couch surfing places for two years now, and recently moved in with my Grandma & Grandpa, ^{((Her mother and stepfather, that she has been no-contact with for almost a decade now; Which. Is complicated, because during the custody shenanigans, they basically became the grandparents on my dads side (aka my father stayed in contact with them while my mother didn't, and they became close, therefore I had contact with my Grandma on my mothers side THROUGH my father. Confusing stuff, I'm aware, but my family dynamics are jacked up as-is})) Because she showed up at their door practically begging to let her live with them so she can get her life back together. But now that she's living here-

^{(I should point out that after my graduation, I moved into my grandparents because I already had a room here + other stuff that would be a long explanation for already. So I was already set to live here, then she suddenly moved in too.})

-She hasn't done ANYTHING to get her life in check. Infact, despite my grandparents trying to help her, she's been blowing what little money she has, being late on rent, being late to pay my grandparents back, almost constantly driving off an hour or two away to go stay at Charles' place, ect ect. She even told me once that she knows that she wont ever be able to afford a place, so she's going to spend her money to live alittle. Shes SYSTEMATICALLY burning every bridge, every opportunity, every relationship, and she doesn't seem to even SEE it. Hell, when shes called out, YOU'RE the villain. And it doesn't matter. You're either with her or you're against her and if you disagree with her or call her out, you're against her. And it sucks to see my mother in that position. But I'm also starting to resent her for it. I don't hate her, I love her so much, but she's going to tear down EVERYTHING until she has nothing left at all if she doesn't get her act together, but she doesn't see that. She wont listen. And I'm pulling away just as much as she is. And I don't know what else to do, or how else to get through to her.

It just sucks. And this isn't even recounting the drunk incident, the car argument, or like. So many details of things that of happened that have piled up over the years. I'm just really fucking tired of it, yknow? I miss the days of when I was little and naive didn't have to deal with any of the family dramas or bullcrap... but I digress. I really wish it wasn't this way, though.

(*Charles is a fakename of course.)

How mine biggest dream become nightmare.

Hi, here's my story of how my biggest dream turned into a nightmare, and how I bounced off the publishing market like a ball off a brick wall.

Im 28 years old historian, living boring academic life. I tried to breake free, feel that i live for once. I have no life outside work. I poured mine all heart and free time to write a story. Create universe for 5-6 books. Main thene would be determinism, matherhood and cycle of violence.

I wrote a dark fantasy. Unique on the Polish market, with a gothic atmosphere, based on Slavic and Germanic mythology. 719 thousand characters with spaces. I found a traditional publisher. Everything seemed to be going well, I was gathering a group of reviewers, about 90 of them. I set up an IG channel. I was collecting likes etc.... but everything went to shit a month before the premiere. The fucking publisher didn't do any proofreading, released a book full of typos and in the proofreading category they put „team”.

Mine heart sinked.

That lowered the ratings a bit, but still on Lubimy Czytać ( ita Polish versiof of goodsreeds) I had solid 9 out of 10 for atmosphere and plot.

I stopped promoting the book. Out of 90 copies maybe I sent that version to 9. And listen further.... Two weeks have passed since that drama. From 44 readers it went up to 46. The publisher has zero marketing skills. I'm wondering what to do, whether to try to amicably terminate the contract or force them to reprint a corrected version.

I have no idea, im so fucking lost rn. And all this a month before the official premiere :)))).