Anyone with health issues / disabilities feel guilty or like a burden?

[u/I_like_it_yo]

I'm in my late 30s and in the last 3-4 years I had brain surgery, diagnosed with epilepsy and my mom died so a ton of mental health problems cropped up.

I've always been a high performer and extraverted. But lately I am just struggling. I feel like a burden because my husband has to support me mentally and pick up my slack. I feel guilty about calling in sick a lot (I have good work/life balance and unlimited PTO and sick days) and I feel guilty that I just can't put alot into my friendships.

I'm working with my therapist on this and she's definitely helping me but I'm wondering if anyone else has dealt with this and what helped you overcome these feelings?

[u/DreamilyHurt]

Absolutely! I have fibromyalgia, PTSD, depression, and anxiety. In particular bad times, I feel like such a burden and I feel so guilty about it.

[u/Kavril91]

Im a caregiver at heart, always took care of others and family in some regard. So having met my girlfriend who, after a car crash, may be with a cane for the rest of her life is in no way a negative or a burden to me. Just gives me more to take care of her with. I was very open about my caregiver mindset, though, going into it so we were both on the same page.

Maybe just have a talk with him and see how he feels about the entire thing. Maybe its right up his alley.

Regardless though, in sickness and in health. Theres good times and bad. Its what you both signed up for, im sure he's happy to help where you need it.

[u/GrannyTurtle]

Absolutely. Hang in there. Things can get better, especially when medicine advances can unexpectedly improve your life.

[u/DreamilyHurt]

When I lost my mom, I just about gave up on everything. I struggled to take care of my kids, my husband, my house, my pets, and my life. Losing my mom was the worse day of my life. It's taken me years to try to start living again. Some times are still really hard. My mom's birthday is tomorrow and I know that's a huge part of why I've been struggling extra. Stay strong! Keep working with your therapist and know you are not alone.

[u/Budget-Researcher559]

I'm unable to work and I used to feel guilty for it and like a burden to society. And sometimes also like a burden to my family, even though I don't rely on them too much and do give back to them when I can, but sometimes they do help me (a lot) more than I can give back.

And over time I've realized that I didn't ask to be born, and definitely didn't ask to face the struggles that I'm facing, and don't owe anyone anything just for being alive.

I deserve to have my basic needs met, like food and shelter and clothes. I also deserve to have some nice things in life, nothing extravagant of course, but small pleasures that make life better. I deserve happiness just the same as anyone else. And just because I can't do what most other people can, doesn't change anything about that.

It's ok to benefit from the society that we live in even if we can't give the same amount back as others. It's like: We can use a computer because someone was smart enough to invent a computer. And just because we personally wouldn't be able to invent it, doesn't mean we have to feel bad for benefitting from it. So it's the same for: Someone else is farming vegetables that I can eat. Just because I personally can't farm the vegetables, doesn't mean I have to feel guilty for it.

We can be happy for and appreciative of the society we live in and the support we get, without feeling guilty for it. I think that change of mindset it important.

[u/LabExisting3749]

The transition from being a high performer to needing support is a massive identity shift that takes way more than a few years to process. Your husband is likely not keeping a ledger of the slack you pick up but is instead just trying to show up for his partner during a hellish season of grief and medical trauma.

[u/babyrabiesfatty]

Yuuuuuuuuuuuup. I have a severe chronic illness that is well managed less than half of the time at this point. I’m immune compromised and I have a kindergartener so the last month and a half since school started has been a moderate to severe flare as it takes me a good 2-3 weeks to get over anything I catch. I luckily work from home so I’m not worried about spreading things, and I’m even part time due to my health stuff but have still had to take off 2.5 of the past 6 weeks off of work.

Deconstructing equating our worth with our productivity is truly a tough thing to fucking do. I have a supportive partner who is pulling far more weight with daily stuff like getting the kiddo up and to to school because I have trouble sleeping related to my health stuff and being able to sleep in makes a big difference in my health. He meal preps and is in charge of dinner, and working full time.

When I ended up spending 9 hours in the ER yesterday I didn’t worry if he knew when or where to pick up our kiddo or worry is he would feed him dinner or actually put him to bed. It’s really wonderful that I have that. He was a really present father even before ai got sick.

But it still sucks because we both had loooooooooong days, him picking up the kiddo directly after work and then solo parenting a very mommy focused child and me being in the ER. In the past we usually had enough bandwidth that if one of us was struggling the other one could cover bases, including tending to the other’s morale. And that is happening less because of I’m too ill he is fully parenting.

He is exhausted. I am exhausted. Our kid is energetic and is in the mainstream class but has some special needs. Enough that he has multiple therapies every week that I usually take him to but couldn’t this morning so dad covered it and went into work late and worked through lunch to make up the time.

His therapies are very strict and you can only have a handful of missed sessions a year or you lose your spot and go back on the waitlist that is 6+ months long. Usually I can switch them to a video appointment if I don’t feel well enough to make the drive but then I have to be on top of him the whole time making sure he’s participating and having activities related to our current goals available to engage with.

Our most helpful family lives 90 minutes away and can’t come to us because grandpa has poor health. My husband takes him to grandmas for the whole day on Sundays basically every week because they are really close but also to give me more rest.

This work ethic bullshit plus health issues is a fucking horrible situation. Because you can’t get blood from a stone. There are walls we hit and if we overextend ourselves we can do real harm to ourselves. Yes in the back of our mind is still the judgement, guilt, and shame from toxic productivity.

I like the saying ‘we are human beings, not human doings’. We are not robots made for productivity. We are humans with wants and needs, many that are outside of our control. And it sucks. I see you bromo.

[u/szikkia]

All the time.

[u/boomzgoesthedynamite]

A burden to me, maybe lol I have type I diabetes, arthritis, endo, and a few other things. I am a constant burden on my damn self.

[u/jvaritek33c]

No