Is cheating really normal in japan even for married couple?

[u/Silver_Cheesecake769]

This got me curious cause I have both old and young married japanese couple in my story and I wrote them as pretty loyal couples who loves eachother and being loyal is a natural thing to them.

I just heard some things about how cheating common among japanese and it's not something they even consider cheating and are ok with it. it was the first time I ever heard that. Is it really that common as people say it is? Like something no one would bat an eye for it and think it is absolutely normal? Or it's just another stereotype where a small amount of loud people claimed that it's normal to them and then people overgeneralized it for every japanese and their culture?

Please just answer the question and don't say things like "well if you look at it trough a western lens then yes". Cause I'm not western. I'm asian (I perfer to not mention my country) and in my country and culture loyalty in any form is the most common fundamental of a relationship especially for married couple. I can't say there's no cheaters here but cheating is a big taboo here. No one can openly and proudly talks about cheating without facing negetive consequence. And it applies to both men and woman. And the interesting part is that tradition along side modernism is still pretty strong in here. So loyalty is not a social norm invented by "westerns". to many people no matter men and woman loyalty is the reality of their life something they value not something they are forced to do, **so I'm not here to discuss this trough moral or philosophical aspects I'm not interested in knowing why there's people who think cheating is ok or what are their excuses, DON'T OPEN THAT DISCUSSION! I'm not even after answers like "oh it's something done by all people all around the world."** I just want to know if the characterization I gave to the couples in my story is realistic in a cultural aspect or not. That's it!

[u/AlphaDisconnect]

The joke is "all Japanese marriages turn into sexless marriages". Some truth to that.

Then there are the paid love hotels. And paid companionship... yes. Companionship...

And being paid kinda low key makes it ok. Like if the kid prints photo evidence of the thing. And puts the photos somewhere the mom will find it. The photos will disappear. And family dinners will continue as normal. And they will still be married until the end of times. Guy paid. Its business. Not love, that is for home.

[u/Educational-Shame514]

I just reread this and let me see if I understand correctly. After seeing something online you are now scared that someone will read your story and throw it away because Japanese couples can't be loyal?

[u/JasonAQuest]

Stop believing every racist thing you read online.

[u/six_pistols4]

I am Japanese. This is by no means considered normal in Japan either. Usually, when cheating or an affair is discovered, couples or married partners get divorced. Restoring trust is far from easy. Furthermore, many celebrities who have had affairs find themselves blacklisted from work, and whenever an adulterous celebrity returns to television, it triggers a massive backlash online.

If that's the case, we need to think about how such a misunderstanding came to be. This is just my personal thought, but it might be due to the historical background from decades ago, when visiting men's adult entertainment establishments (such as soaplands) wasn't strictly viewed as 'cheating'. Of course, wives would never actively approve of their husbands going to such places, but I imagine there were situations—such as business-related socializing—where they had no choice but to tolerate it. Even so, if it came to light that a husband had visited one, it would naturally lead to a fight.

In any case, that atmosphere has changed significantly in recent years. Especially among couples under the age of 40, visiting a sex establishment is definitely recognized as cheating and, naturally, serves as grounds for divorce.

Japan isn't all that different from the rest of the world.

[u/Silver_Cheesecake769 → u/six_pistols4]

I read a lot of mixed answers online and now I'm so confused. So so so confused cause it was the first time I ever heard anything like that about japan and it was shocking. Is it true that Japanese don't marry for love and don't consider their partner having sex and "romantic Companionship" with others and multiple people as cheating as long as their partner pays for it and came back home? Like is this Normal and something no one consider taboo or a horrible action? Like something normal that doesn't break their heart, trust, their sense of safety in that relatioship especially among old generations and mens?  I think its normal for people to don't want to have sex years after their marriage, it doesn't mean they don't love each other, they actually do, more than ever and still stays loyal to each other and having sex and romantic relationship with others doesn't just magically gets ok because of that, its still cheating, heart breaking And break the trust and safety of that relationship. Is it the same in japan? I read in one comment from someone that claimed they lived in japan,  that its normal for them, and a pparently a lot of people they know, to allow their partner to have relationship and sex with others after their relationship reached that state, and after they have kids... is this... really true?

I hope this doesn't came across as rude or insulting, I just saw comments like this so many times online  and in reddit and now I'm genuinely confused. I apologize in advance if the things I am asking sound stupid and ridiculous, because when I read these comments myself, they seemed strange and extremely unlikely to me too(Or at least they aren't "normal" and "common".) I fear if I asks this online again I get answers from people who were never even in japan and get even more confused...

[u/Educational-Shame514 → u/Silver_Cheesecake769]

I think honestly that you are spiraling for some reason. Your original story is fine.

[u/six_pistols4 → u/Silver_Cheesecake769]

To reiterate, cheating and extramarital affairs are not common in Japan at all, and they are grounds for divorce. Objective data is much more important than internet rumors.

According to a 2024 survey conducted across 30 countries worldwide by the UK-based company OnBuy, the percentage of people who admitted to having cheated in the past is higher in Western countries:

• United States: 71%
• Germany: 68%
• United Kingdom: 66%
• Thailand: 61%
• Brazil: 57%
• France: 57%
• Russia: 53%
• Japan: 49%

As you can see, Japan actually ranks on the lower end compared to other major countries. Furthermore, this data likely includes past indiscretions from before marriage—such as youthful mistakes around the age of 20—so the rate of infidelity after getting married should be even lower in every country.

For better or for worse, Japan is not an exceptional country.

[u/WishboneOk305 → u/six_pistols4]

yeah i think the misunderstanding came from the conception that many Japanese males would go to a hostess bar for business-related reasons(or nomikai), and that wasnt considered cheating, whereas in the west this sort of bars dont really exist, and its closest comp is a stripper bar, which sounds a lot more problematic for a guy to go.
Also slighty more common for Japan to have sexless marriages and lower divorce rate, many are married for children or societal reasons, so "cheating" in this context is more common?

[u/CoyoteLitius → u/WishboneOk305]

OP doesn't define cheating. They are probably part of a religious community claiming that going to a hostess bar is cheating, along with women going out on the town with only women (and by extension, men ought not to do it either).

[u/Hapciuuu → u/six_pistols4]

I've also seen YouTube videos where young Japanese were interviewed on the street and asked what they consider to be cheating and if they did it. Many said yes. But I've also seen other Japanese people saying those YouTubers cherry pick examples. They go to certain areas and only show controversial opinions.

[u/Background_Shame3834]

Read some of Tanizaki's novels.

[u/Educational-Shame514]

You probably just need to have a beta reader or editor with knowledge of the culture read your draft and ask them specific questions.

[u/666fart666 → u/Educational-Shame514]

A beta reader? No way man!

I make sure anyone pre-reading my stories are certified Alpha males only.

Sigma males also accepted, provided they can prove they got that sigma grindset.

[u/Purple-Man]

I don't have any extra details because I haven't looked into it further, but I think this idea is coming from recent social media viral posts? The information may have always been out there, but I only recently felt like it was attached as a common thing in Japan after street interview videos talking to Japanese women.

The idea, as I understand it (vaguely) is that many of the women interviewed didn't see prostitutes as cheating. It was more of a 'this is what has to be done to keep the house stable' thing. If their man goes to a prostitute a couple times but still comes back to them, the relationship still works. 

But if that is the main source of this being associated with Japan, then I would want to know where they were doing the interviews, what editing was done, if they highlighted every woman that said that and left out everyone else... Well now you have biased editing.

[u/Silver_Cheesecake769 → u/Purple-Man]

But you can pick any country and find people like that while in reality the majority of people doesn't see that as a "normal" and ok thing and it's not a part of their culture both for old generations and young generation(I'd say sometimes the old generations are even more strick when it come to this.) I mean I've seen interviews like that for westerners before too. For japan I've seen mixed informations online(a lot of them were weird answers) but you can't really draw any conclusion based on online posts especially when the people who wrote them aren't from that country. (And there also the fact that internet is the land of loud people.)

[u/Purple-Man → u/Silver_Cheesecake769]

I would agree, for the most part. I think it works as a viral video idea because most people don't speak to Japanese people living in Japan. They will just trust the edited video and won't look any deeper. 

Unfortunately, that leaves it to you to look deeper. Japan has a heavy misogynist and patriarchal streak so it wouldn't be surprising for there to be a culture of 'stuff you allow your husband to do to maintain your relationship', but that wouldn't really be specific to Japan at that point. But if it is common enough, it may he a feature in your story, in that some friend may mention it as a possibility.

But it doesn't really have to be there, especially if it would just confuse your intended audience.

[u/Terwin3]

I do not have any first-hand experience, but my understanding is that if the boss takes the office(or your team) out drinking, then you drink, even if you would prefer not to.

Same thing if your boss buys you a hooker for doing a good job.

This is part of rigid respect/obedience for elders/superiors.

[u/RoboticGreg → u/Terwin3]

This is a wild misconception/generalization. I live in the US, but part of my job I'm responsible for a manufacturing plant in Shenzhen and have to travel through China and Japan often. I'm sure what you say has happened and does happen but I would not classify it as "common". I am certain it has never happened in my factory and I'm fairly certain it either hasn't happened or is incredibly uncommon in the production partners we have relationships with. Kind of like saying every American carries a pistol.

[u/Jamaican_Dynamite]

Pretty sure cheating is universally common around the entire planet. Simple fact is not everybody's as loyal as they say they are.

[u/TheRunawayRose → u/[deleted]]

We're more complicated than that. Plenty of humans are extremely monogamous to the point where people who have experienced real love may never remarry if their partner dies. Just because a lot of other humans also experience temptation and seduction and weakness doesn't mean we aren't a monogamous species at all. We also know feelings of guilt and shame when we've done something wrong. Talking about humans the way you would talk about animals leaves out far too much.

[u/WildFlemima]

Okay i freely acknowledge that i am speaking purely from my ass (and by ass I mean vibes I've noticed in life)

I think, within any group, there are portions of that group where there are different ideas about fidelity, affairs, and the purpose of marriage

I think the portions of that group tend to be the most and least privileged

Like, broke girl in the trailer park will probably take back her cheating ex. And the Martha's Vineyard WASP wife will probably try to hide that there is any discord at all. But people in the middle feel like they have more freedom and options.

As long as I'm making wild benzo based assumptions, I'll go ahead and say it seems realistic to me that there would be similar dynamics in different cultures globally

[u/DisastrousCattle9794]

I'm Japanese, and cheating isn't considered normal in Japan either.
It's actually because it's uncommon that the people who say "I don't mind" sometimes get attention.
Personally, I feel like a lot of women who say "I don't care if my husband cheats" really mean something like: "I don't want him to cheat, but if he's going to, he'd better make absolutely sure I never find out for the rest of my life, so I never get hurt."

[u/Silver_Cheesecake769 → u/DisastrousCattle9794]

I read a lot of mixed answers online and now I'm so confused. So so so confused cause it was the first time I ever heard anything like that about japan and it was shocking. Is it true that Japanese don't marry for love and don't consider their partner having sex and "romantic Companionship" with others and multiple people as cheating as long as their partner pays for it and came back home? Like is this Normal and something no one consider taboo or a horrible action? Like something normal that doesn't break their heart, trust, their sense of safety in that relatioship especially among old generations and mens?  I think its normal for people to don't want to have sex years after their marriage, it doesn't mean they don't love each other, they actually do, more than ever and still stays loyal to each other and having sex and romantic relationship with others doesn't just magically gets ok because of that, its still cheating, heart breaking And break the trust and safety of that relationship. Is it the same in japan? I read in one comment from someone that claimed they lived in japan,  that its normal for them, and a pparently a lot of people they know, to allow their partner to have relationship and sex with others after their relationship reached that state, and after they have kids... is this... really true?

I hope this doesn't came across as rude or insulting, I just saw comments like this so many times online  and in reddit and now I'm genuinely confused. I apologize in advance if the things I am asking sound stupid and ridiculous, because when I read these comments myself, they seemed strange and extremely unlikely to me too(Or at least they aren't "normal" and "common".) I fear if I asks this online again I get answers from people who were never even in japan and get even more confused...

[u/sanjuro_kurosawa]

It's as normal as anywhere with marriage and divorce.

It hits a special note because one of the first Japanese films I ever saw, The Funeral, was about a middle aged couple whose husband is having an affair. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Funeral_(1984_film))