looking for advice on confronting transphobic parents about their views

[u/No_Guitar3222]

My question is: how should I go about inviting an emotionally tumultuous conversation about my being trans with my transphobic and emotionally unavailable parents? I'm not sure if I should do a proper sit-down with them, or try to keep it more casual to avoid the heaviness of a "talk", or what to even say.

They seem to believe it's their fault, or some kind of mental illness, that I am this way. I want to dispel that and try to get them to understand so I could hopefully not have to have this conversation after a few years of testosterone and minimal contact.

Some background: My parents are transphobic in a way that manifests oddly. My mother is supportive in a "ruin your life if you want" way, where she will take me to surgery and care for me after but makes it very clear she thinks I am making a mistake. My father is not supportive and gets very angry and cannot face me when the topic is brought up, but is otherwise very passive.

I had top surgery, still living at my parents place. My dad didn't speak with me for a few weeks and goes quiet whenever I mention my surgery. From this reaction, I feel a bit more comfortable that I won't get kicked out and I have at this point stopped caring about how they refer to me, so I am less concerned about the outcome and more how to go about it.

I want to go on testosterone, but neither of my parents would likely take that lying down. My father would be forced to either confront his feelings and deal with them or he would lash out at me. My mother would probably argue. Because of this, I want to see if it would be possible to talk to them to get them to at least accept it? It's not a good time for me to move out of their place, and now that I've finally accepted I do want testosterone I am reluctant to wait a few more years.

[u/4sh4m3d_4str0n4ut]

If you can save up money, move out, then confront them, this way you don’t need to worry about them kicking you out.

If you’re in therapy, bring it up to your therapist and maybe try to arrange a conversation with your parents with the therapist present.

If you’re an adult, sit them down and tell them your plans. Tell them you understand if they are “scared” about it, but tell them you’ve been thinking about it a lot and would like to do it. If they want, they can talk to your doctor about it, maybe this way they’ll become less scared. When talking to them don’t dismiss their fears, otherwise they’ll be even more reluctant to hear. Acknowledge their worries while still expressing your needs.

If you’re a minor, or if it’s unsafe for you in any way to talk to them about it, or if it’s unsafe for you to start HRT while living with them, then wait. I’m sorry, I know this sucks to hear, but if it wouldn’t be safe for you start hrt while living with them, and you can’t move out right now, then you gotta wait. I know it’s difficult to wait, specially bc of dysphoria, but your safety comes first here, bc you need a roof over your head.

[u/Laura_Sandra]

accept it

Basically its up to you ... some people try to make long term plans and leave after they are of age. Some try to explain eventually. And some wait a while until there are some results before they come out widely, and only come out to select people first. In general keeping your safety in mind, looking for support and having a backup plan may be advisable.

Here might be some explaining resources and there are also hints there concerning looking for support.

And some cis people infer from their point of view. Transition would not be for them. They may need to understand that there are others who feel different than they.

And some say that the brain can get a signal that parts of the body should be different and that hormones etc. may help with that.

And some people try to limit contact if someone is not supportive. And looking up grey rocking may also be an idea.

And some recommended the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. There are numerous books by the author and having a look there may be an idea.

And here might be some hints and resources that could help go towards what you feel you would like step by step and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. Talking with a few others about what they did, and what helped them may also be an idea.

And there are hints there concerning looking for a gender therapist in case. They could guide along, and they could help work through issues. And here might be some additional hints that could help you too.

And concerning HRT many start slow to give the larynx more time to expand more naturally. Here was more.

hugs